Gave step child benefit of the doubt!
So today I thought I would try again and get my SS involved in Easter celebrations with my family and my niece and nephew who is 7 and 3.
Wished I hadn't bothered!!! He's loud, selfish, bossy and so damn hyper! My partner had to stop me from raging in front of my family today as his son (5) was pulling my 3 year old nephews face, pulling him around, trying to push him down the slide, constantly asking to go upstairs when my sister clearly said that the kids should stay in the garden as it was a nice day, asking to keep my nephews toys then throwing them when we said no.
I'm p****d off! Then my partner gets agitated when I start snapping at his son but my partner just sits there shouting his name when he does something wrong. Clearly that doesn't work just take him aside and calm him down ffs!!
As Dr Phil would ask... "So how is that working out for you?"
Time to end the problem by not including your DH's failed family tragic breeding experiment. Yes, the kid is 5. But... your DH's inept parenting should not destroy eveyrone else's holiday or basic family relationships.
Time for DH to clearly hear you define the situation. "DH, if you do not like how I parent and discipline your illbehaved child then you can step up and get it done before I or anyone else has to. Otherwise, bite your tongue and have my back until we can discuss it in private. Got it? Good."
Then when the toxic spawn spouts its crap you swat it on the rump, twist an ear, march it to a corner in the garden, and plant its nose in that corner and inform it that if it moves or makes a sound until an adult comes to get it, it will not be able to sit for a week from the cherry red butt cheeks it will get from a firm multi swat meeting with a belt or paddle.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Lol thanks for the reply. I
Lol thanks for the reply. I've told him if he doesn't pull his child up then other people will step in and he doesn't like that! Even the child's teachers have told his mom he needs to calm down but it's not DS's fault it's other kids influencing him! I don't think so. Apparently an older child told SS the other week to touch a girls boobs and he did!
My partner also tells me to pull up my niece and nephew over their behaviour not kidding the kids are literally golden, what exactly am I supposed to pull them up on? Influencing his sons s**t behaviour?
Ughhh. Apparently your SO missed the day in math when they went
over the concept of the common denominator.
DH:
1. The spawn's teachers have brought this behavioral crap forward. It is not the fault of every other kid in class. It is the fault of your toxic spawn and its failed parents.
2. Before you try to deflect your failed parenting and your spawn's crap behavior off on other kids, make damned sure you know what you are talking about. To solve this problem for you, I will purchase bluetooth cams and record your toxic spawn every time we are out it public with it so you have clarity. And... I have placed the order for a full suite of web cams for the house just to make sure you nor your spawn can try to skate out of the truth regarding its behavior.
3..... etc.
Sometimes the only way to keep someone from deficating on the lives of others is to assertively rub their nose in the stench they perpetrate. Facts, web cam footage, etc ,etc, etc... nail their feet to the fire so they find it hard to dodge the truth.
Good luck.
Give your family permission
Give your family permission to complain to lazy dad about it. Don't listen to it anymore just point them to your partner.
Oh he wont be coming to
Oh he wont be coming to family gatherings anymore!
And when the next family
And when the next family event comes around, Daddy and his demon are not invited. When Daddy asks why tell him "We tried to keep Demon Boy involved but he doesn't listen or act properly and you didn't like it when everyone else stepped up to rein him in so you two can go have a nice Daddy/Demon Day and I'll look forward to seeing you later on."
Yep I was telling my sister
Yep I was telling my sister just yesterday he's gonna have to make other arrangements when I want to go out as I will no longer be including them. That's my time from now on.
Insanity is doing the same
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Why would you think his son would magically self actualize better behavior in a high excitement atmosphere?
Clearly this kid acts younger than his age. and.... kids all develop at different rates.. there may not be anything necessarily "wrong" with him..but, you also point out that he gets very inconsistent parenting from both your partner and his EX.
5 year olds.. even normal ones.. can get overstimulated and not be able to control impulses. It IS up to the parents to pull him aside and give him a chance to calm down and reinforce good behavior expectations.
I get that this isn't your kid and you are frustrated.. but at the same time.. "snapping" at the kid is really no more effective than what your BF is doing..
I see you have pretty much labeled the boy as "bad" in your head.. and I think that can also be a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.. you will only really see the poor behavior and struggle to see the good in the child.
Honestly, in this situation, it might be better to move on and find a partner without children. FIVE is very young.. you have over a decade of dealing with the kid.. improved parenting or not. That is a LONG time to hold your breath and being disengaged in a home with a 5 year old is really hard.. and telling your BF that his kid stays at home.. is hard..
And.. honestly.. not letting him come is really not the right thing either.. the boy will never "learn" if he doesn't have opportunities to practice better behavior will he? If he is only very rarely allowed out.. he will not be able to control himself even more.
Maybe you could support your BF by signing the both of you up for some parenting classes so you can support him in more positive ways he could be raising his son... that is if you want to stay.. which is likely going to be frustrating over the long haul.
Thanks for the reply. When
Thanks for the reply. When dad is at family gatherings we find that he's always on his phone and not watching his child so then it's upto me to step in as dad doesn't really notice the bad behavior. For instance my niece was skipping either her skipping rope and because his child wasn't involved he grabbed the rope preventing her to play, dad didnt see this and my own grandma then had to take the rope from his hands so my niece could continue to play. I told him to get off his phone and watch his child so I didn't have to keep stepping in.
Him and his ex agreed when we got I to a relationship that I wasn't to do any of the parenting or discipline but what am I meant to do when dad doesn't step up and they're both living under my roof?
I have noticed he behaves better on his own than when he's around other children so we do tend to take him on day trips alone rather than taking other children with us.
Me and my partner got into a big fight yesterday over me having to pull up his sons spiteful behaviour with other children. It started when I came back from work after a long tiring shift at 8.15pm and I was cooking myself dinner he shouted from the bedroom that I was being too noisy and I woke his son up and he swears blind I do it on purpose! I was functioning on four hours sleep as my other half insisted his son had a sleepover Easter Sunday with both my niece and nephew while he was working. Its not easy settling three young kids alone. I told him it's no longer upto me to keep his child entertained and him and his ex will have to start treating him to days out instead of me having to do it on my only two days off.
He went to sports club but that has been stopped as both parents don't like the fact that teachers tell their son to calm don't because he's disrupting other children.
The next 12 days for me consists of work and taking care of his son with no break in between. Its exhausting.
Him and his ex don't get to
Oh and tell me why, when you came home from work late was your dinner not ready and waiting for you? It's time he showed a bit of gratitude, don't you think? You are his son's main care giver from what I'm reading here, the least he could do is have dinner ready for you. I bet he made dinner for himself and his kid, so why not for you?
How much longer are you going to put up with this nonsense? How do you envision your life five years down the line? How would you like your life to be in five years? Is this even remotely possible with this user? Personally, I couldn't deal with having someone dictate how I would live my life and what I had to put up with. Is he really worth all the crap he's dealing you?
I'm sorry... your BF sounds
I'm sorry... your BF sounds horrible. He is a crap parent and a crap partner.
How nice of him to foist off his child on you to care for.. but please don't discipline the child. oooh.. they made an agreement did they? But nowhere did they agree to parent the damn child themselves????
And.. yes.. ignore your work and sleep needs so his baby can have a sleepover.. that he wasn't even around to supervise!
You are being used. You are being taken advantage of. Your BF is not a good partner for you.. he doesn't support you.. I pray you don't get pregnant with a child of his.. he is a horrible father. he may "love" his kid.. but he is not raising his kid.
And.. poor boy. his parents are abject failures who are not raising him properly.. no expectations.. no teaching him how to behave.
Kids don't just figure out all this stuff in a vacuum.. and when your parents are glued to their screens.. I guess you better ramp up behavior to get their attention right???
His child is crying out for attention.. but it's not your responsibility to fix him.. or fix it for his dad.
I would leave this steaming pile so far in the rear view.. why do you stay?
Why would you choose to take care of HIS son while you are
working?
Time for a big NO! to that crap.
As for the he and his X agreed that you would not do any of the parenting, time to send them both packing back to the XW/BM and you get on with your life idiot and baggage free.
smh
We used to do family bbq’s at our home. I ended that
Because hubby refused to single out an adult niece who has a batshit crazy tantrumy kid. She destroyed a portable aircon at our home by non stop turning it on and off. When i was trying to put my 1 yr old to sleep, she decided to scream for no reason than to have a shouting contest at 10pm.
i come downstairs because my daughter can't sleep and that girls grandma (my sil) says "you not sleeing yet?" I replied sarcastically "well not with your grandkid screaming like a crazy person". It was a bb for my daughters 1st birthday party, that kid smacked my kid on the leg because she ws having a meltdown and wanted to carry my daughter who my husband was carrying and hubby didn't wanna give my daughter to her because she's 5 and acting demonic.
even when she smacked my kid, her parents and grandparents just ignored it, my husband actually shouted at her because it was uncalled for and my daughter was crying and only then her parents just told her to stop, no repercussions no time out.
the result is after that day 4plus yrs ago, we no longer do any family gatherings at our house. If people are gonna come over with rude disrespectful kids and not control them, then you don't get an invite.
my husband doesn't want to not invite them because of the drama of singling that one family out. So result is our birthdays its a private home affair or we do a mini getaway
I dont understand what is so
I dont understand what is so hard about discipline? Do they want their kids to never learn how to treat other kids/people? To some people like my other half they think discipline is smacking their kids on the wrists or behind, no discipline is sticking their children in time out and making them think about what they've done wrong.
I recall my sc school having a bouncy castle before the end of term because my sc had been naughty that day they put him in time out so he couldn't take part, the parents said that it was cruel but how is he supposed to learn that he can't behave the way that he does?
I used to have slaps on my wrists and legs from my parents (not hard just a slight slap) I've never once in my adulthood despised my parents because of this it literally done me no harm! And I love my parents to death and thank them for it as now I'm a responsible and loving adult who stands on my own two feet. My sister also gives her kids a slight slap on the wrists when he children misbehave and they're literally golden. So why is time out to hard for parents to practice??
Disciplining a child does not
Disciplining a child does not necessarily mean hitting him and as a stepparent you should never lift a finger against him (you don't want any kind of accusation against you).
However, finding out what his currency is can be a game changer. The problem is that neither your SO nor his ex is interested in actually being a parent - they want to be the kid's best friend and it's a truly bad thing to do. Children need organization, routine, rules, consequences becaust they give them security and because these things prepare them for the real world out there. Some day they're going to have to go out there, into the real world and kids who have never been taught respect nor organization will flounder and run back to mummy and daddy. Unfortunately, the parents in this case couldn't care less about the future all they are interested in is the instant gratification of making their kid "happy" (they're not).
Mine (I have twin daughters) loved going shopping, even grocery shopping (bingo! There you have it! Their currency!). It was extremely daunting to take two toddlers to the supermarket but I did what I called "setting the bar". Before we left, I'd let them know how I expected them to behave and what would happen if they didn't follow those rules, i.e. that I would never take them shopping again, that we would leave the supermarket immediately, and that they would be punished when we got home. I would then repeat this when we reached the carpark before we got out of the car and I ended it with "are we all in agreement?" (getting them to give their word was sneaky but it worked). Well, we never found out what the punishment would be when I took them home because it was never needed. The threat of never going shopping again (and meaning it) was enough. Find this kid's currency and use it.
I ask you again, what are you getting from this relationship that you're willing to put up with this crap?
No! I never meant meant that
No! I never meant meant that people should hit their child I was saying that there's not much discipline these days.
That is what I do with him if we're going anywhere I remind him what he should not being doing I.e grabbing, pushing, shouting etc...he always agrees not to do it but does it anyway, my partner even said to me at the family gathering that if he hears his name mentioned again he was going home (never sticks with it) and when I agreed my partner started moaning that his son misses out on stuff all the time...well yeah.
He definitely does try and be his best bud all of the time buys him toys whenever he goes out and I've told him countless of times do that each time he behaves not everytime you feel like buying him something, the child is always saying "I want" or "we should get this" because he knows full well his parents will go out and buy it.
Me and my partner do get on and we do love one another it's just his child is putting too much pressure on our relationship atm.
Is he afraid the kid will
Is he afraid the kid will prefer his mother over him? Hasn't he ever heard that money can't buy you love? What will happen when the kid starts asking for things his father can't afford? Unless your bf changes radically, this will only get progressively worse ...
Probably! The fact that he
Probably! The fact that he bends over backwards to accommodate the child's mothers needs when she wants to go out is driving me nuts too, it genuinely feels like we're in a three way relationship!
She told him yesterday she's only getting 2 hours a week at work! So why us he bending over backwards for her when he works and she's basically has all the time in the world? And why am I missing out on ME time when the child's mom is sat at home doing nothing??
You could also say he is
You could also say he is bending over backwards to grasp any extra time with his child. but if he does that then he should be doing the parenting to go along with it.
Even with parent's best
Even with parent's best intentions.. kids will occasionally misbehave. They may be overly tired, cranky.. sick. or over excited making it extra difficult for them to keep to their expected standards.
And.. yes.. it is not a slap on the wrist that is needed necessarily for kids.. but the setting of expectations and following through on the consequences.
I actually wouldn't say "never go shopping again".. I would have said more often. "we will have to leave immediately and go home.. if you don't behave appropriately" My parents would do this.. and we would generally get a warning.. "Remember... you agreed no running in the aisles and no shouting.. do you want to go home?".. and either we straightened up.. or we were taken home with a stern and dissapointed parent.
I have to be honest that the physical punishment I got as a child (very occasionally) was actually the LEAST effective punishments.. and I remember that often it was handed out unfairly.. when one of us hadn't even been the one in the wrong.. (brother breaks something.. I got the spanking for example)... When you resort to physical means.. I think it most often comes from a place of frustration and loss of control by the parent and that way it's not particularly effective.
Just yesterday during our shopping trip, a mum had her almost
Teenager Old son having a meltdown. Mum needed to get something urgent from a department store, son wanted a toy from another store. Mum told him off, "no we are in this store now for my things i need to get first so you will be quiet so mummy can get this done quickly and then we can go to your store"
sounds quite simple right?? Apparently not. Son decides to have a further meltdown and shouts at his mum "NO!!! YOU WILL TAKE ME TO MY STORE NOW!!"
mum lost it with him. Told him to stop complaining or she was gonna take him to the car and they were gonna drive home and nobody would get anything.
i feel for her!!! Totally know how frustrating it is but basic agreements, patience and boundaries etc need to be respected or what you end up with is a tantrumy kid having a full blown meltdown. You don't wanna be that parent every outing or shopping trip with the kid that has a full on adhd style meltdown and public staring at you all because you refused to parent.
Lol. My body would have never been found
if I had pullted that drap.
Grrrrrr!
This reminds me so much of SD
This reminds me so much of SD when she was younger, I always wanted to give SD the benefit of the doubt and include her in everything. I hated the thought of her feeling left out. I went OUT OF MY WAY to make her feel included. I wanted her to feel as if our house was HER house too. I wanted her to feel special here as well as at her mother's home. BUT she took it WAYYY too far. She REQUIRED all eyes on her at all times. She demanded that she was the most important, that if ANYTHING was to be given out, she get the biggest/best one. You can even see it in pictures, she had to be the main focus at all times, she will literally the CENTER of all photos. she was LOUDEST, even in the car she would literally YELL over everyone to make sure that her voice was heard. I was trying to take a cute video of my daughter, and she got literally 1 inch from my camera. I almost flicked her in the forehead (as I would if it was my daughter acting like that, luckily I cought myself before I did that). She's plowed into me on several occasions, knocking me into doorways, so that she can get where she wants before someone "takes her spot", leaving a bruise on my arm... Now I much rather when SD just stays home... when she throws fits demanding to not return for MONTHS, we all celebrate (well, not DH, he goes into a deep depression)
Yes that sounds exactly like
Yes that sounds exactly like my ss and also my other half. He too slips into a deep depression when his sons not here and makes me feel like I'm not important (hate feeling like it but just being honest)
I'm here to tell you it doesn
I'm here to tell you it doesn't get better, as was 5 when i came into her life, she's 17 now
You mean the behaviour doesn
You mean the behaviour doesn't get any better?
That's what i mean, it doesn
That's what i mean, it doesn't. DH tried everything with sd. He yelled at her, took away TV time, he cell phone, her tablet, her gaming systems. Nothing worked because she knew in a few short days she'd go to her mom's and be free... step kids that are like ours, are horrendous, and as they grow, they only learn new ways to be horrible.
Left out. Only occurs if they are with you
And are then excluded (baring any causal behaviors in their part). Whatever activities occur in your home/family when they are with the opposition half of their family equation is not exclusion. It is just part of life for kids of failed families.
No guilt, no accommodation.
They suck it up. Period. Dot.
IMHO