Disengagement....easier said than done (So far)

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So i recently decided to disengage from parenting my SS (16 years old) and SD (12 years old). This was after I because extremely frustrated on being the outsider and bad guy in the family. Well, its not even been a week and its harder than expected for several reasons. One being that I have to bite my lip and not say anything to them when correction needs to happen. Two being that I guess I'm still the bad guy. I talked to my skids and wife last week, after our latest fallout. I informed them all that going forward, I will not directly hold the skids accountable and will go through mom. Mom immediately pushed back saying she wants me to have say in their life. While the reality is, she says that but its just not the case.

Fast forward to today....today is the day the skids go back to biodads after school. Well, me and my wife are working from home and as we're preparing lunch, she gets a text from SD. SD says she wants to come to our house after school because there are chores she did not get to complete before leaving for school. My wife gets this look on her face like I said something to her and I can see "that look." I tell my wife that I didn't say anything to SD about chores and that if I had something to say, I would go through her (My wife). Well needless to say, my wife has this attitude like I am somehow responsible for SD being in trouble when I've literally done nothing...Then my wife states again, after I informed her I said nothing to SD, that she wants me to parent and have a say. I am direct with her and say that they skids have a mom and they have a dad. Its between the two to parent the kids. Well....its been a quite afternoon in our home because once again....I'm the ahole.....how do you win? I'm truly starting to wonder if I want to live this way. I mean....I love my wife dearly but I'm tired of being a villian. I literally hurt inside and don't want to feel this way. Whatever I do is wrong and I'm wrong if I provide feedback and I'm wrong if I don't. Heck...this all started from a text that was started by SD that I had nothing to do with or initiate. "Calgon...take me away!"

I would agree

I would agree that I am the easy scapegoat...especially when she doesn't want to have the tough discussions. To answer your question about finances, I informed her that skids expenses do need to come from either her or her ex. It was not received well and the tension has been high in the household. With the skids going back to their dads today, I plan on having more conversations into the weekend on where I am going to set boundaries. I feel somewhat selfish but am also at a point where I don't want to have the frustration and resentment I feel........ I'll say this..for stepparents who have their skids full-time...go bless you all because there is no way in haidees I could do that.

Good for you for stepping up

Good for you for stepping up and taking care of you. I'm to this point now and would love to hear how your talks go with your wife!

It actually

It actually went "ok." It was after the last incident (Shortly after posting my intent to disengage on another thread) that I had the discussion with my wife and my skids. There had been an incident (Of many incidents) where I had become the bad guy and decided to disengage. After that, because I was still a bit upset of how things have been going down, I didn't talk much to skids and minded my own. My wife and skids noticed so I decided to have the talk. I informed the skids and my wife that I understand that the skids have parents, and I am not here to replace them, instill morality, or hold them accountable. I also stated that, in the end, everyone is upset so I feel it would be best, going forward if there is an issue, I will inform my wife and she will then pass this on to the skids. My wife pushed back on this and I told her that I am not going to be the person enforcing rules, holding skids accountable, etc....that is between her and biodad. I will no longer be put in a place where I will feel like the outsider in my own home. Now that doesn't mean expectations of the skids will fall from the waistside but that she will be the one addressing any issues. So far its gone ok...honestly in many instances when i inform her about something the skids need to do, she does it herself. I'm ok with that too although I don't agree with it but I am out of the mix and go about my business. I do feel a sense of relief now that I have disengaged and am at more at peace with myself and in my house. I've come to realize that I can not make skids accept me and I will not push this any longer. The line in the sand has been drawn and I have backed off. The skids still notice that I have backed off and surprisingly enough, its as though they are trying harder with me....trying to engage and talk to me more. I'm not saying I will be rude or hateful towards them and I will encourage and praise them when they do good, BUT its moms and biodads job to raise them.....been there, done that and got the tshirt!

It wasn't easy....

Being a full-time step dad was a challenge, and whatever you say, you are a s-mbag. I'm sorry to say this, but it probably won't get any better. I literally watched every word I said, thinking that the skids would somehow realise that I was trying to be a decent parent - that while trying to keep my marriage intact, and deal with friction between my wife and my family. 3 decades later, all of my family have passed-away, and I have no relationship with the skids. Sure they know about me through my wife, and will ask her how I am (which I guess is a good thing), but it's like I don't exist. Sure I'm not the most outgoing individual on the planet, but it was walking a tightrope every day - for what. I have a good relationship with my wife as long as I keep things to myself. Talking about how I'm really feeling makes neither of us feel bettwr. Looking back, I'm not sure it was worth it. Good luck.

Your wife wants you to have a

Your wife wants you to have a say so she can blame you for the kids being angry about any rules and restrictions. So today, she wanted to be able to say - "yes, your stepfather told you to complete those chores!" But she can't - she has to either say, "yes, I want you to complete those chores" (SD gets mad), or "No, you don't have to complete those chores" (looks like a bad parent).

Stick to your boundaries. Of course she isn't going to like them, she had it the way that suited her. But that's not okay. You can live with the guilt, it's necessary to make change.

I had not

I had not thought about it that way but as long as I'm the bad guy, she gets to be the one they view who is always fun...I'll keep going down this path.

Ask yourself- Why would your

Ask yourself- Why would your wife want the situation to change? She gets you as a scapegote and a wallet to cover expenses for her kids. She's not going to want the situation to change- because then she will actually have to parent and attend to things. Stop allowing her to use you as an easy target.

Setting boundaries is not selfish- its survival. Good luck!

Thanks

Thanks...I'll stick to my guns. I surely don't want to go back...

Change is messy, and pushback

Change is messy, and pushback is normal in the beginning. Remember, your SO was benefitting from the old arrangement in a variety of ways, so of course she's not happy.

Know your limits, and hold your ground.

Will do

Will do and thanks for your feedback!

remember for her this was

remember for her this was workjing. You were putting in $$ and you were the default bad guy. Why would she want it to change?

A very

A very convenient situation for her...I agree....we'll see where this goes but I'm not changing on this "new" situation/stance I'm taking. I'm done.

It will get easier with

It will get easier with practice. It's difficult at first; IMHO I don't advocate an announcement to partner or kids about it. My DH would not have reacted well to it but instead needed to feel the difference. It's second nature for me now to not be involved.

DH sometimes will ask for my opinion or help and if I feel it's putting me in a bad position or in reality if I don't truly have a say in it, I'll just say, "Do what you feel is right, I don't have a say in it so you can do it." Or something similar to that. If he objects, then I ask point blank, "Do I have an actual say in it, really?" And then it's 99.9% of the time dropped.

You'll need to give her time and consistency to get used to it too to be firm and consistent.

Leave that to your SO and the opposition parent to perform.

They behave, you don't discipline and confront. They misbehave... then bring the pain.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

And....

If your mate is a competent parent and actually your equity life partner, there is no need to disengage. Your Skid may just appreciate you as a parent.

It can happen. Rarely apparently, but it can happen.