At a loss
I honestly don't even know where to begin. My spouse has 2 kids, a 19 year old girl which resides with up full time, with her 19 year old boyfriend and a 16 year old daughter that does as she pleases, when she wants something, she come to our house basically, she has no rules.
These kids have been enabled for years. In their eyes they are perfect, they deserve the world and I am an inconvenience to them. They are disrespectful, swear, yell, spit, lie, spread rumors, have no chores, the 19 year old has no contribution to the home and can come and go and she pleases. Her boyfriend stays as they please in the bedroom next to us. They hoard in the bedroom, rotten food, refuse to clean, its gross. For 5 years I have been asking for "rules" The response is, they are my kids....
I honestly don't understand, I thought you were supposed to raise kids to become independent and create a life. I have recently brought this up and said how uncomfortable it makes me with two adults next to us, starring at us, expecting us to take care of everything, response is I'm selfish and they are my kids.
A year ago the youngest was given some firm rules by me, not followed thru by my wife, the kid left and said she would not abide by rules (show respect, dish in washer, wear pants around older boyfriend, make bed etc) she spread a bunch of lies about me. Wife has not made her come clean or apologize, "they are my kids"
My wife is a pleaser and whatever these kids wants she provides. We had to separate money as wife was lying about what she purchased, kids are entitled.
Ex encourages this. Kids are allowed to call my wife a "fat B" dad says so. And your marriage isn't real. The oldest isn't allowed there because she is overweight.
My wife tells me I don't understand because I don't have kids. I have completely disengaged because it's absurd. But I have no clue how to live in my home with this dysfunction. I also have no idea how to believe in my wife with her views on these kids. I need help, will it change, do I leave, is this at all normal. I have become angry, I want peace, not chase and drama with these kids. I feel even disengaging will cause my marriage to fail.
I asked for a plan to have the 19 year old and her bf move out. Was told no, that's my kid. What is this obsession?
The only change will be - it
The only change will be - it WILL get worse. No, it is not normal. Yes, leave.
This disfunction is too embedded. It is normal, for THEM.
You will never be happy married to this woman.
I am sorry; "love" is not enough to sustain a happy relationship.
Of course you're at a loss.
Of course you're at a loss. You're living in chaos and dysfunction, and your wife doesn't care about your feelings. There's no end in sight. I'd leave. This is all a result of your wife's poor parenting and misplaced priorities, and she's not going to change.
I'm in an almost identical
I'm in an almost identical situation. Let me share a little insight. Your wife is most likely a narcissist (covert or overt, it doesn't really matter), and sees the kids as mere extensions of her own ego. This is why she gets so pissy when you are calling out bad behavior - it's like you are criticizing her personally, because her kids are indistinguishable from her own personallity. Her daughter and son will never grow up, and will always be dependent on her. This, of course, is what she wants - dependent, infantizlied kidults who will be a perpetual source of narcisisstic supply, since they will always "need" her.
It my case, SD had no rules/boundries/chores/expectations. Guess what? She got knocked up by a pice of trailer park shit, she's about to give birth to a baby that my SO will pay for and raise. But my SO is fine with this, because now she will have a baby as a source of narcissistic supply.
I just try not to take it too seriously, and enjoy the good times when they are there (which is actually a decent portion of the time, so long as SO is getting her way). For me, finally learning what I was dealing with - a massive covert narcissist - was really what helped me wrap my head around what was happening, and come to peace with things.
I agree with other posters.
I agree with other posters. Rules, boundaries and consequences (discipline) are an important part of raising kids. I don't have kids of my own, but I was raised with rules, boundaries and consequences. I too have a stepson who is 21 and my husband has steadfastly refused to set any rules, boundaries, consequences for his kid. The result is a lazy, entitled kid. Now, my stepson isn't rude or disrepectful to me outright, but he does things covertly, such as making a mess in the kitchen or putting dishes away haphazardly in the cabinet and saying "well I didn't do it" when my husband complains. We have no other kids or stepkids in the house, so it's my stepson's way of blaming it on me. My husband never blames his son for anything, he blames me. And if my husband gets upset with his son for being an a$$, he takes it out on me. He never, ever addresses his son's behavior with his son. Ever.
My husband sees his son as an extension of himself. He goes to his son to have his emotional needs met. He tells his son intimate things about our relationship and my family that I don't want my stepson to know (which is why when I talk about these things, I don't include my stepson in the conversation). I have watched my stepson over the years covertly disrespect my husband, not respecting the few rules that my husband initially set when his son moved in with us, blowing him off when my husband wanted him to help him fix stepson's car, etc. My husband absolutely will not allow me in any capacity to constructively criticize, parent, offer feedback or voice my concerns about his son. Your wife enables her kids the same way my husband does. My husband flat out told me a few months ago that he doesn't care if his son lives with us the rest of his life. In fact, it seems that is what my husband wants. My stepson is unemployed; he hasn't held a job in 16 months. He has no intention of working or going to school.
I worry that your situation is not going to improve. If you are unhappy now, it will continue to to get worse and you might continue to be more angry and resentful. I wish I could tell you to stay and try to work things out. But, parents like her don't change, I know my husband won't. My husband doesn't work but when he does an odd job and gets some money, it always goes to getting things his son wants or get his son's girlfriend gifts that my stepson can't afford because he doesn't work. The situation simply will not change. I am personally in the process of extracting myself from this unhealthy situation as it is never going to change and has created a lot of anger and resentment in me. I can't bring myself to raise someone's failure to launch for the rest of my life.
I wish you the best. I feel for you and your situation. I hope things get better. Take care of yourself and keep us posted.
A people pleaser except when
A people pleaser except when it comes to YOU apparently. Her kids are young and in theory I'm not 100% in the camp of 18 and out. But, two 19 yo's... the boyfriend? THAT is not something I would accept. If the 19 yo needed to stay at home to build a financial base fine.. but her BF? NOPETY NOPE NOPE. If they want to live together, they can be their little adult selves and get their own place.
The 16 yo obv still is ok at home but her mom should be expecting some basic rules.... unfortunately, you don't have any control over the rules since she won't back you up.
So... what about moving out? getting your own place and just "dating" your wife when she has time? Counseling maybe?
I mean, yes.. they are her kids... but she is doing them a massive disservice by not raising them with an aim of being responsible members of society. she is making their lives harder... not easier.
There is no turning this
There is no turning this around. You should seek legal counsel and begin divorce proceedings.
There is no way I would allow my teen daughter to live with her boyfriend under my roof. NOT A CHANCE IN HELL.
Neither of these girls are going to launch and they will always be her first priority- not your marriage and building your future together. She will bleed you dry over adult kids that were poorly raised.
Why have you been asking for
Why have you been asking for "rules" for 5 years? Why do you think it's suddenly going to change? This is the way it's going to be. Wait until they start having babies you will need to "help with". Run, run away. This is not going to change and only get worse.
Your wife is happy with the
Your wife is happy with the arrangement. Her enabled kids are happy with the arrangment. YOU are not. Therefore, you must be the problem. It's effed up.
It's clear they won't change -- no rules, no launch plan, no discipline, no guidance. Sadly, those kids are on their own to make their way in the world and their mother is crippling them.
So if they won't change, that leaves it to you. Either you accept things as they are, or you move out. Doesn't mean the relationship with your wife is over, but that's a definite possibility.
Imagine this: walking into a quiet home. Dishes are clean. Trash has been emptied. No rotten food in the bedrooms. Nobody is there to yell, lie, spit (gross) or swear. Money is your own. I bet that sounds idyllic, right? What keeps you from moving out?
It will only get worse --
It will only get worse -- trust me on that! Protect yourself! Sorry you're going through this.
smh
"My wife tells me I don't understand because I don't have kids."
And that tells about all anyone needs to know about your idiot wife.
Never in my life have I ever witnessed a kid speak with that level of disrespect to a parent. That would be a very painful decision in my lexicon of witnessed or experienced parenting.