"Bonus mom Facebook page"
I am in a few facebook groups, and OMG they are carazy!
They call the skid THEIR child... like I get it you love this child... but, it's not YOUR child....
Then they keep posting memes about "You have to love this child like your own" I am like, you try dealing with a child that from day one has verbally and physically attacked you and YOUR daughters, and has tried to get your daughters and YOURSELF "in trouble" through lying and manipulation. yea I am not going to love her like my own, she has 2 parents for that.
then they talk about how they bought "their kid" clothes and refuse to send it with their kid to go to BM's house.... I am like, is this YOUR clothes or the KID'S clothes... because if it's the KID'S clothes, then it needs to go with the kid. I am sorry, but why would their father NOT want them to bring a jacket home if she obviously NEEDS clothes that fit, why wouldn't he WANT to send HIS CHILD with clothes that fit? If you don't want the kid to have clothes that fit, then don't buy them
Oh
Yeah, BM here would really go for that one!!! ( if I was calling myself a bonus mom and buying him clothes) she won't even let him eat my cookies!!
Omg! That's a crazy one for
Omg! That's a crazy one for sure!
Eww avoid those pages like
Eww avoid those pages like the plague. Those are the same women who call themselves boss babes, and work out in a box at cross fit and whose husbands are true Merican's.
LMAO that's so true
LMAO that's so true
That's a good place for all
That's a good place for all the SMs that are insecure and super competitive with BMs, or BM/SMs that are just posting things like that to try to shame their ex husbands new wives.
Its all people putting on performances.
That makes sense, i didn't
That makes sense, i didn't think about the fact that BMs could be paying stuff to shame SMs
Im not a Bonus Anything
I simply do not ascribe to the whole "bonus thing". Im a stepparent. I am Dads Wife. I am Clove. That is all.
I hate those posts "love them like your own!"
how about "I love them in my own way"...or something.
Right?! I mean, even if i don
Right?! I mean, even if i don't love sd like my own, i can still treat her with the same respect i show my own kids.
Bonus mom memes is a pretty
Bonus mom memes is a pretty great group, made me laugh!
I haven't seen that group...
I haven't seen that group... but i feel so bad for but am so sick of these women... like they feel like they have to be perfect, and hold other people to that standard too
Meh... bonus moms is not a
Meh... bonus moms is not a term I love either...haha. and I have a great relationship with my youngest SD24 especially. She has a mom.. and a dad.. I'm an important adult in her life.. but not mom!
But, the clothes thing. Here is why a lot of people don't want the clothes to leave. Mom sends kid over with old, outgrown clothes. Dad takes the kid out and gets them something new. Kid takes clothing home... next week kid shows up again with ill fitting and torn clothing. Dad buys kid more clothes.. Kid takes them to mom's.. next week shows up in old worn out shoes and too tight underwear with stained shirt and pants. and the cycle repeats.
Dad ends up buying tons of clothes that all leave to another household (where he is likely already paying CS that should cover clothing allowance).. and the kid repeatedly shows up in old worn out stuff... to force dad to buy more.
So, it's better if the kid does have a few sets of decent clothes at dad's house too.. right?
I mean, we would let the girls take some things back to their mom's but we also saw them come to us in older clothing most of the time.. clearly BM was saving nice things for her house only.. and hoping we would buy them more.
Wouldn't at some point sd not
Wouldn't at some point sd not have any ill fitting clothing left? Or buy some cheaper clothes (that still got nicely, are functional) to send sd to the other home. But don't throw fits that sd brings clothes to BM's house. I get it, SD was forever bringing all the socks we bought her to BM'S house and then leaving the holey socks that barely fit, at first i was frustrated, but then i just didn't care anymore.
Someday there wasn't enough
Someday there wasn't enough 'Mom' in me to spread to my two, let alone be a bonus mom to SS. He didn't need that and neither did I. Clothes is a toughy. I used to buy and send clothes to go to Dad's w/ him as long as they came back but after having to yell one year because not enough came back and that shit don't fly w/ me, I was supposed to be getting everything back but Dad's car got broken into and the thing those robbers took was a big bag full of all my son's missing clothing ... so yeah. I tried and failed and after that only one outfit went back and forth. A decent outfit though.
Now my SS used to come w/ an extra out fit or two for the weekend and when he went to bed at night on Saturday, I washed whatever he'd worn and he went home w/ what he'd brought. It wasn't worth buying clothes to have hanging in a closet for a kiddo who was barely here. Luckily it was the one thing BM didn't kick and fuss about so it never caused an issue.
Interesting Thoughts on the Bonus Mom Title
I never considered myself that. I went into this marriage thinking I'd be an addition to the kids lives....a friend. Didn't even think of myself as the "aunt" as many SMs try lean on. BM and her adult kids made sure the younger kids did not have a relationship with me. I was, and still am, DHs wife. Saw where I was recently referred as that again. LOL
Now the wife of my ex....she's an absolute doll. Doesn't have a mean bone in her body. While the kids were already adults when her and exDH met, she has still been such a positive. One Christmas, I was going to buy our daughter a set of pearl earrings. ExDH reached out and said SM wanted to buy her the same thing. I stepped back, told exDH that was fine, I'd find another gift. I thought it would be special for DD to have pearls from her Bonus mom. And that is what I consider her. If something happens to me, I know Bonus Mom will take over for me. While we don't use that term in talking, I sure feel that way about her.
Clothes: Kids only came EOW for 3 weeks, then DH would go to work for 3 weeks, and kids did not come for visitation when he wasn't here. So, they brought their clothes and took everything back home, including what we bought. We may not ever see the clothes again, but it was the kids' clothes and their choice of what to do with it. Amazingly, we never had stuff "forgotten" on either end.
Gaming system: We purchased a system for our home and BM had one for her home. Way too many high dollar gifts we purchased for the kids went missing once at BMs house. Either the adult kids took them or the BM sold or gave them a way. So, that situation would depend on how things went back and forth between the two homes. In ours, it was in our benefit and the kids' benefit to have dual gaming systems. It was so bad, we would not even let games go back and forth. A $60 game we purchased would be donated to the youth group activity center at church. SMH
In the end, clothes/toys between homes works only as well as the parents managing the things.
right, and I get that some
right, and I get that some people have different situations, and maybe it's just because I am used to NEVER seeing SD's items we purchased again. we spend WAYYYYYY too much on all the kids here at Christmas (lets just say OVER 500 on EACH kid is not an exaggeration) but we NEVER have EVER seen anything that we got SD again... not clothes, not toys, not games, not hair accessories or hair tools or makeup... we NEVER saw anything again... but I just got used to expecting that... maybe that's where the difference is? I dunno.
In the Beginning...
it bothered me. So much, I brought it up in therapy. Our counselor said, when you give something, you give it and you release ownership of said item. It was eye opening for me. And that's where I gave up that "fight." If it was an individual gift, it was there's to do with what they wanted. Clothes or toys.
The gaming system was purchased as a "family" gift as we had my son here who also gamed. Technically, it realy was for DHs son as my son had his own system but we chose to designate as "family" to avoid any of the back and forth issues, including the games. Sad to say, the BM ended up selling or giving away her son's gaming system.
Dang...I'm so glad I'm passed all this mess.
The Bonus Mom gang is an all
The Bonus Mom gang is an all together different level.
We have our private home. In our home we had/have stuff. The stuff was for our family to function and play.
Whether the 2 homes lived down the block or several states away, each should have their own stuff.
Similar to Cajun above, WE assigned the gaming systems to a FAMILY gift for a few reasons. 1 bm couldn't accidently sell it and 2 we had eyes on it as much as possible so it would not get accidently broken by skids. Breaking our personal stuff was their MO
But of course, the one skid "accidently" deleted the hard work our youngest child did on a kiddy game. It was the very first game our youngest had. It was so sweet too. SKID is an Asshole. Yes, I said it and you know I never called a kid asshole before. WHO would do that to a little child.
Our home our stuff. Heck even my xhusband, whom we get along great have their stuff. It's just easier that way.
JMO of course
Bonus my ass. A bonus is a
Bonus my ass. A bonus is a supplement to the main course. Sparents are not a supplement, they are the main course.
As for clothes. I get both sides. My problem was not sending the kid's clothes on a SpermLand trip, it was getting them back. They would keep his quality name brand clothes and shoes provided by his mom and I and send him back in new but flea market procured clothing. It was chintzy crap. We got to the point where we inventoried everything he took on SpermClan safari. When it did not return we would send the list with costs for each item in a letter under our attorney's letter head demanding return or payment.
There were multiple times over the 16+ years we lived under the CO that SS's mysteriously disappearing quality clothing ended up on his younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs in SpermClan family photos a few years after they disappeared.
Even with their thieving bullshit, we would send him on visitation with the clothes he liked. When they did not come back with him, he knew full well that his idiot SpermGrandHag had stolen them.
I have ventured into the Skid worshipping wading pool communities upon occasion. It is cringingiy entertaining.
We always just bought SS a
We always just bought SS a ton of underwear and socks and thrift store, clearance racks clothes so that no matter what he did, he had enough clothes at both houses. He didn't care what he wore and I like bargain shopping, so it worked out well and we avoided the clothes battle with BM (though she didn't seem to care either about clothes being one place or the other). We had doubles of anything we could have, other than instruments and sporting gear.
Bonus mom is just a "look at me! I'm wonderful!" Term.
If you had a game boy or DS,
If you had a game boy or DS, would you have made him leave it at your home? or would you have let him take that between houses as well? and if BM asked if she could split the cost (making it that much cheaper) would you insist that DH refuse that?
I think for me in the beginning, these things would bother me, SD ALWAYS coming with WORN OUT socks and poo stained underwear, and we would ALWAYS buy new clothes for her, and we would never see the new clothes again, and all her toys would go to BM's house and we would never see them again. It drove me up the wall, ESPECIALLY when DH paid so much in child support. and truthfully, it does still bother me a bit (especially when she complains about having nothing at our house).... but I have grown to just not care... these things were SD's NOT mine... so if I never saw them again, it shouldn't matter, SD gets to benefit from the things we bought, and that was the intention of buying them, right?
What really bothers me about these facebook groups, is the "MY child", "OUR baby", "DH wants to talk to BM with out talking to me first", "DH didn't ask my opinion in court", "BM wants to call our kid (refering to step kid)", "Skid says I'm not her mom, what would you do" (and in this case everyone confirms that she IS mom in that house" and then after all this they call BM high conflict because BM is instilling boundaries for her kid... I am all for calling out a BM for being high conflict, but this is SM being high conflict IMO... and I should know, I used to be one of these in my 2nd marriage lmao!!!! I am glad I have grown to know better for DH
Yes, I hate the "my kids",
Yes, I hate the "my kids", "our kids" nonsense. People do that on here, sorry, it's not your kid. You may love them very much, but it's still not YOUR kid, you have zero legal rights.
My SS had a DS but was not allowed to bring it to our house (DH's rules) because it turned him into a zombie. He had a playstation and an Xbox at each home. DH never gave BM one red cent above what was ordered, so he would have ignored her asking to split anything - each bought for their own home.
My SS was not picky about clothes and it was easier to just buy tons of underwear and socks and thrift store/clearance clothes - not expensive at all. Then we didn't have to worry about clothes or "new" clothes disappearing. He must have had 40 pairs of underwear betwen the two homes, lol, so he was never missing any. And a bunch of shirts and pants for $5 or less at clearance racks/thrift stores.
We did let BM buy shoes, though one time he came over in baseball cleats (thanks BM) and had to wear an old pair of DH's shoes, so I bought some super cheap shoes after that, just to have at our house.
No video games at our house.
We had the same rule for the same reason. The kid was useless if there was a screen in sight. Particularly a video game. So his Play Station became our DVD movie player and his Game Boy, DS, etc, etc, etc... which were never ending gifts from the SpermClan would be confiscated upon SS's return home from SpermLand visitation and would be given back to him on the way to the airport for the next visitation travel day.
That started in 6th grade and continued until he turned 18 and launched. Once he launched he did briefly dive in hip deep into his genetic game addiction until he realized it was killing his real life, his career, etc...
When we purged video gaming from our home, he went from reading regularly to reading nearly constantly. To this day he enjoys reading.
So, no games. At least that was our family mantra.
When there is conflict on
When there is conflict on either side, sharing things between homes does not work well. It is especially exasperating when kid takes vital things from one home to the other.. and then that other parent is left scrambling to procure a replacement when it is discovered that the "only" jacket that was at that house was worn to BM's and now it's 32 degrees F out side.
Especially when you have a father who is NCP. He is likely to only have a small amount of clothing and shoes for the kid anyway.. since the child may only be at his home a handful of times a month. Then he is forced to spend some of his precious time replacing things.. or SM is tasked with repeatedly inventorying and replacing missing items.
So, sure... there were some things we bought for the kids and let them take.. but we did insist that a core wardrobe of stuff not leave so that they would actually have something to wear when they were at our house. My DH often got them from school.. it limited what they could bring at times.
As far as game systems.. and other larger electronics.. taking them back and forth.. to school.. invites trouble with damage.. losing accessories and theft. And the whole "swing by" thing? yeah.. that is just adding one other incovenience level for everyone. For the 20 times a year that dad would have to "swing by".. he likely figures having his OWN system that stays put is worth it vs putting up 1/2 of one that is probably going to be at his Exe's home 75% of the time. 200 bucs vs 20 annoying trips? easy math.
The smaller hand held items. If the kid is responsible? sure.. they can take them back and forth.. just like a cell phone can be. But.. again, it's best if one parent or the other is the one that buys gifts.. the whole going in together thing is awkward in practice. The only thing I can see both parents potentially chipping in for would be a kid's first car or something super large. But there is no reason why each parent cant buy the kid presents..
That was an aggravating call my DH got several times. It's Christmas.. and how much was he going to give BM to buy the girls presents! Um none honey... you buy what you can afford.. I will do the same. You don't have to buy their love.
DH would never GO IN with SD
DH would never GO IN with SD to pick anything up, and I was under the impression a nintendo switch was a hand held game... I guess i was wrong lol, my kids were only into the DS, and at this point are just not that into video games. sometimes my youngest plays call of duty or something like that, on her computer. but regardless. I know BM wouldnt' mind SD stopping in to pick up a game, and I wouldn't mind if SD stopped by and picked up something from here that was HERS, if that b*tch ever stole something from me, her A$$ would be in HUGE trouble... I would not allow her in my home without DH SHADOWING her every move. notice, I would not shadow her, that would be DH's job. I guess, me being a single mom of 2 kids (no CS, I was literally the only parent when they were young, DH now claims title of DAD, him and my DDs decided that would be acceptable, and there was no DAD to ask if they minded, and DDs treat DH with TOTAL respect) I WISH I had someoneto split large gifts with, or at least get child support from so that I could buy large gifts... probably why we I spend WAY TOO MUCH on gifts at christmas now lol.
Like I mentioned above, it was more about the "for OUR kid" thing that bothered me, yes I do think that if it's for the kid it should be allowed to go where ever the kid goes, of course, if you have had trouble with it in the past, I get it, but thier posts were more like they were trying to "stick it to BM" with the whole, for "OUR child" like BM wasn't the parent, and why would "THEIR child" bring something to BM's house?