Update to the Great Cleaning Caper I
So, after reading your comments and suggestions, and making some plans, I decided that SD16 Power Sulks room wasnt my main issue or priority. Its on the list but I have bigger and more important things on my Master Plan Sheet.
I have the need for help in cleaning and organizing other areas of the household, such as the kitchen (that she uses) and the backyard that we all use. I decided that her cleaning her room is something that only benefits her, and she will take all weekend and it probs wont be done anyway and no repercussions, and then shes off to momma Toxic Trolls double wide room share sitch. Ive come to the cconclusion that my Main Thing is I want her to contribute to the household more and consistently. I am not content with merely her existing and being wherehoused until 18 and graduate.
She went out with friends last night (friday night) so I had to wait to get things lined up. Somehow Husband had mis communicated what my intensions were, even though I had sat him down and spoke of them "to be on the same page".
When she got home, she was smiling and laughing and friendly. Then when I spoke to HER "to get on the same page" she actually told me "dad said you were going to help me clean my room, but I dont really need you to, I can do it..." and then went into a litany about how she needs a hanger stand for her clothes, some furniture needs to be moved out somewhere else etc etc...I listened and nodded...and I cleared up the misunderstanding. "Thats not really what is going to happen - your room is your responsibility and I think you can handle that by yourself, you dont need me anymore I dont think..." She nods, still friendly.
Then I lower the boom. "What I really intend is that this weekend, Saturday and Sunday you will be helping me reoganize the kitchen, clean, clear and toss, and also the backyard. Want to go over it now or tomorrow".
The pouty mc pouterson came out. Silence. Mumbles "sure". I mentioned she should have her bowl movements and breakfast all taken care of and be ready to get on it by x time...more nods and poutyness.
I told Husband that she and I were going to accomplish these things ourselves and he is free to go about his business. He went fishing. SD16 Powersulk (in full Powersulk mode) this morning I mentioned a change in time (giving her MORE time to lounge or whatever a full hour) and then we would get started.
Let the caper begin because Im ready to roll! After another cup of coffee of course.
Thanks all for the comments and suggestions...
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Comments
Since DH also uses the kitchen and backyard, why isn't he also
Since DH also uses the kitchen and backyard, why isn't he also helping?
Because
I want HER to help ME. Any time he has her help him thats one thing. He cajols and trys to get the mood light. Its almost like hes apologising for asking for her to help out! I hate it. If hes around its awkward and uncomfortable because he thinks Im going to say something mean. Its ridiculous and I am putting a stop to it.
This is her helping me. And she better get used to it. Shes helped me before, with my friends. And my friends paid her well. I want her to get used to the idea of helping without putting her hand out for money.
stop.. stop .. stop.. she is
stop.. stop .. stop.. she is not your child.. she is HIS child.. if HE wants her to help around the house.. HE can make her do it. You are falling into that trap again.. the whip cracker mean person. Why are you digging up drama. If you need help around the house.. your husband can help you.. if he wants HIS child to learn responsibility.. HE can do that.
The amount of pain and anxiety and drama you are going to get are nowhere near going to be an equal offset for the meager amount of "help" you will get from her.
Do not mistake what I am saying.. I think it's good for kids to learn responsibility around the house.. but it is NOT your responsibility to ensure she learns this.
You have already about tanked your relationship by pushing to be in a disciplinary role with her.. why are you continuing to do this.. is it that you want to punish her for not being your buddy any more?
Again.. should people be helpful, kind, and good tempered? sure.. but it's not your role to do this with HIS daughter.
You cannot make her a better person.. you cannot save her from herself.. from her genetics.. you cannot care more than her two parents...
You are manufacturing a problem for your home... you do not need to do this.. and this is NOT what disengagement looks like..
and.. I know you are a nice person.. and miss the relationship you once had with her.. but this is an exercise in futility.
superbowl
I guess I picked the wrong weekend for trying to get anything done.
I am control freak. No one
I am control freak. No one will be helping to organize my kitchen! It's mine! SD helping in the kitchen is depressing.
Unless maybe your kitchen is so large that it needs two people. But normally two people cleaning and organizing at the same time is a double work. We have a small kitchen. It's not a place for two going through stuff at the same time? Is it that dirty that needs such major two people clean up?
Backyard is a different bird. That's I could see. I'd give her a chore to move debris in this corner etc just give her chores.
Do you just want to hang out with her? Nothing wrong with that. My GSD loves to help when she comes over. We don't need her to but She loves it and we miss her so it's fun activity Ike baking wuth grandpa or watering plants with grandma. It's fun but she is 8. Cleaning together whth sulking 16-year old sounds like punishment to me hahah I don't know how I survived teenage years. Doing it together sounds miserable
it's painful to read about it. I don't want to live it. Good luck with that
I'm STILL
In the process of getting my kitchen back from Chef. He hasn't cooked since my first day of semi retirement almost 3 months ago but the amount of deep cleaning neglected is immense!
Oh and I'm also detailing my car for a possible trade in on Monday. I hate detailing cars!
When shes good shes great
But shes slow, spends time texting and needs time to get her music lined up and then of course eat in between bathroom breaks.
Saturday was HARD. Waited until up and then eating and then whatever and then she helped move things from the cupboard and then decided she wanted to scrub them. I just let it go. Our kitchen is super duper small, and we have too much, so I need to get rid of half our pantry items and figure out where to stow things. I dont want her reorganizing just moving labor.
Today - waited 2 hours so she could clean dog doo so I could go outside and pick weeds and get some plants in the ground. Daylight and good weather is in short supply rn. By the time I have enough daylight, the clay in our yard is baked to a concrete. Hammer and chisel are the only way I can make a hole big enough to get a plant in there. So I was really counting on just some help.
Its like pulling teeth. Its not worth it!
I agree with ESMOD. You
I agree with ESMOD. You already know what you're going to get from these people. Why do you expect it to be different? Why do you keep thinking SD is going to help you in a speedy or pleasant manner? Your spouse is the person who should be sharing the load. If you're overwhelmed with the state of the house, HE is the one you should be going to help tidy things up. And I use "help" loosely because he makes messes, too, so he's not "helping," he's carrying his SHARE of the load.
I hope it worked out and she
I hope it worked out and she actually helped. I'm convinced that 6 and 8 years olds are better helpers than teenagers.
slow slower and slowest
When she got up she then had to do the breakfast, and then she helped move things from 1 cabinet (out of 4) and scrubbed the cabinet (the 1). Then today, get up, do the breakdfast and bowel movement then on the phone to friends. By noon I was so frustrated!
So now Im pulling weeds in the hot sun, and shes on the phone with friends and husband and barnical are watching super bowl.
I really just want to hire someone to do it. And honestly its just as difficult to get her to help as it is to just do it myself. And no stress, just resentment.
Yes you hiire someone! I do
Yes you hiire someone! I do this still! I got no help in the yard from anyone and little help from DH with general housecleaning. I got fed up. Now I hire yard help and a housecleaner. Yard help about 4x per year, or more if there is a project I need help with, and housecleaner every other month.
Lol. My parents were the 'YOU will get it done'
no matter how long it takes type.
Except if it was inside in which case it was done under very tight scrutiny as early in the day as possible so it did not disturb others in the home if the kid (my brother and/or me) did not get it done.
Outside chores... those were done no matter how lot they took or what time of day the kid procrastinated into. There was the occassional all night yard activity (no power tools) followed by a zombie ride on the school bus preceded by a 'you damned well better not fall asleep in class' today. The message was, get it done when you are suppsed to!!!!
SD is the one who sets how tortuous it will be. Make her live the consequences of that choice.
Operative word is "my parents
Operative word is "my parents". This parent put up a sign "gone fishing". Lol
super bowl
Today that big football thing. Im not really interested. Just wanting to get things done.
Totally all this...
But the reality of my experience...
Up around 10 ish, breakfast, bowel movements, I knock on the door, then explain what I am trying to do, then just give direct request "move this from here to there", then she decided to scrub the cupboards, that took forever, then, have to get the music set up, then finish scrubbing cupboards, then saunter off, dad comes home early, then we just all take a break because its exhausting trying to get kiddo to help.
Sunday backyard, up around 10 ish, breakfast bowel movements, saunters off to room, on the phone chatting away, IM waiting finally totally frustrated and knock on the door "sorry to pressure you, but ive been waiting for 2 hours for you to help" I need to get some stuff in the ground before the ground is too hard, and the dog poo is everywhere...so now my time is centered around her preference for not doing.
PARENTING. This is the big reason that I stress over the whole skid helping. Its freaking WORK. And then I get resentful.
Yup when Little Idiot lived
Yup when Little Idiot lived with us, I gave her a chore once. I cleaned out the refrigerator (threw anything that needed to be tossed in the garbage) and asked her to wipe down the shelves. I clean it regularly so it wasn't too bad, a small spill here or there maybe... nothing to hard. Guess who did a half-a job then claimed weaponized incompetence?
It really just isn't worth it. She couldn't even put her dishes in the dishwasher because she couldn't figure out if it was dirty or clean (um, maybe open it up and take a look?) It was all too difficult for her and DH just made excuses. In the end, I stopped asking her to do anything. It wasn't worth the fight then the crummy job she did.
Her room
Still has yet to be cleaned. Door is closed.
Giving up for today. Washing machine has been opened up for her linens, it has been brought up that she will be washing them...lol.
Ive got to get away from all this...! Luckily shes with her mother all next week into the weekend, so I dont have to feel resentment.
I told you it will be more
I told you it will be more work! And if you truly just need someone to move stuff that it's too hard to move then ask your DH. Or hire handy man. It's just not worth trying with SD
Are you not using shelf liners? It eliminates needs to scrub. Liners are easy to wipe and periodically they could be pitched and fully replaced. What was she scrubbing? why? Like actual dirt? Or stuff spilled?
oh you guys already planting gardens! Boy we have a full blown winter here. I hate gardening. Hate it. No gardening for me. But I know many love it. If ground is too hard for you to dig, but you love planting, again ask your DH. Or hire help.
this sounds so stressful. It doesn't need to be. Disengage. Get your DH to help and if he's no use, then hire people, he should pay for hired help since he refuses to help out or he should make SD do things.
Disengage from parenting. It never ends well. It sounds as no one cares that there is so much house work accumulated with only 2.5 people living there. If they don't care about their environment but you do and they refuse to help, you have two options. Clean it yourself or hire help. Less stress.
Hiring
I asked SD16.5, Power Sulk if she has any friends that would be interested in working and being paid as a "gardening helper".
She said it might, it depends on what they would be paid. I named a number, she said she get back to me. So Im follwing advice...hiring is the best solution, and husband can go halfsies with me.
Do you use nextdoor? you can
Do you use nextdoor app? you can find excellent help on there with reviews and recommendations in every possible field of repairs/moving/cleaning. Could be teenagers too if that's what you prefer.
I'd not be asking SD to find you anyone. You'd not have recommendations or reviews and how do you know if they are any good? Her word? Seriously clove stop involving SD, a kid, in a grown up stuff. I'd not have anyone doing work in my house on a lazy messy 16-year old teen's recommendation. Now she'll be looking for gardening help for you two. Why oh why
give her reasonable age appropriate chores and if they aren't done, they become DH's responsibility
I totally agree with this!
I totally agree with this! Why would you ask SD for a recommendation? Were you trying to make a point? Because if you were, she totally missed it. There is no way you will win if you hire one of her friends because somehow it will turn in to you also paying her or looking bad if you don't.
Did you really expect this whole thing to turn out differently? I know you are still trying to ensure SD turns out to be a good human, but it is not your responsibility and you are never going to make it happen. Please reconsider your decision to disengage. That is the only thing that is going to make your life any easier.
Sort of
Mostly I just need the help and I need it QUICKLY and am not picky at this point. I want to get it done so I dont have to do it anymore.
It's not working though. She
It's not working though. She's not helping. Or doing it poorly.
And her finding you someone to do yard working isn't a good solution either. Go on nextdoor now, create an account now if don't have one, put up a search or make a post. You'll have someone by the next weekend doing your yard work
I see you already created an account. I found some great stuff on the nextdoor
I get that you are fed up
I get that you are fed up with the way the house is.. you want it cleaned up quickly.. but it does not have to happen "quickly".. because.. obviously.. you have all survived and lived with it in it's current state.. I get you are frustrated by it.. but the dirt will be there tomorrow.. the sticks on the lawn.. (or whatever landscaping is needed).. will be there next weekend. The only urgency to do this is within you really correct? If there is some event you are aiming for.. were planning on having the garden society for tea or whatever.. then it's not anyone's fault that it is now an "emergency" to get done asap.
So in all reality.. it's not that it HAS to happen quickly.. you WANT it to happen quickly.. and I'm sure there are a lot of other things you want.. that haven't happened.. and you survived it.. lol.
So.. yeah.. ditch the thought of your SD helping.. or that she has some great resources to get it done.
Go to your husband.. who is the other head of your household. tell him that X needs to be done.. IN the house.. and in the Yard.. that you want it done in the next 10 days.. does he have time to do it with you (he should do half of the work).. ? if not.. you will hire someone and you two can split the cost. That's it. And then finally remind him that you have noticed the petri dishes in his daughter's room and her sheets are going to grow legs if they aren't washed soon.. so he needs to address both of those issues. period.. dot. the end.. no including his daughter.. he can do that if he wants.
If he says.. I thought you were going to get Pouty to do it.. tell him.. apparently she doesn't have time.. and it's your responsibility anyway.. so again.. are you helping.. or paying.
Timing
Ok, so here it is laid out:
With the yard
I am in central california, and where we are in particular is warm and dry. Our yard soil is clay. Last year, when I wanted to plant a lemon tree and get started planting a privacy hedge along the back fence, I had to take a chisel to it, I kid you not. Each day hammer and chisel and then add water and after a week I had a hole big enough. Its been raining and now the ground is soft. And now the main part of the yard has grass and weeds. And its still soft enough to dig them out, until the ground is dry again and it will take forever to dig those suckers out and dig holes fow my plantings.The dog goes everywhere and the weeds get tall quickly. Hard to see where he goes and then OOPS...
SO Ive determined that Ill hire someone and direct for about 4-5 hours and we split costs, then lay down some DG and its done forever...! I dont need to deal with SD16 power sulk nor any of her friends. Too close for comfort.
As to our kitchen:
Its so small, anything extra is a big deal, so Im just going to deal with it all by myself. Its not worth involving anyone else.
I guess I made my point - to myself. SD is useless and doesnt respect the household, yet she feels superior to her sister...she doesnt see that shes just as bad when it comes to filth.
Ah yes the dog poop issue. I
Ah yes the dog poop issue. I have calculated my dog goes 5x a day (he's a big dog but breaks up his potty time into smaller bits)! Three days of not cleaning up after him is 15 poops! I love love love dogs but I'm going to stick with cats going forward. It's a royal pain keeping up with it in the winter when there's 2 ft of snow on the ground and more coming down to bury the new poo he wants to make at 3am.
I also completely understand about the ground issue. Last summer I foolishly decided would be the year I planted a flower garden. Well most of the summer was unbearably hot and we had a drought for half of it. After fighting to get the plants in to the rock hard dry soil, fall finally came, my sad expensive garden looked pathetic. If you find a good landscaper, see if they will till up a patch of soil for you to plant. A reputable company should have an industrial strength tiller for that clay soil.
I'm not a gardening expert,
I'm not a gardening expert, but if you want to soften the ground in a spot where you can plant a tree, after it rains a bit, use a piece of cardboard and put it on the spot you want to dig. Then mulch it. This will lock in the moisture for a while so the ground won't be so tough.
As far as the dog poop, I'd shut off the Internet until it's picked up.
For Stinky's room, I'd just go in and strip the bed after every visit. Wash the sheets and NOT remake the bed. Get her in the habit of having to make her bed each time she visits.
I'd also clean out her pigsty of a room and confiscate all of her clothes. She'd have to request specific items to get them back. I would tell her it's your house and you will not have her making a pigsty of it, and until she can maintain it in a hygenic manner, she can have no expectation of privacy. You will enter her room whenever you like.
The rest, I would put squarely on your spouse. He either helps or he pays for help.
To do these things you have
To do these things you have to learn to be okay with people being mad at you, sulking or having little hissy fits.
I do not give a sh*t. I go on with my life happy as a clam while everyone else pouts or has an attitude.
I think you are very sensitive and want to be liked more than you want to be the lady of the house. Your husband can be a bully and very dismissive. You have to learn to let him be a giant man baby and stand your ground.
I avoid conflict
Whenever possible.
Trying not to let it bother me, however...
Its just EXHAUSTING pretending it doesnt bother me, and all the pretzel bending and teeth pulling...egads.
I go back and forth
between not caring and wanting to back that chit up. Shes at her mothers this week and I would rather just not deal with it until shes back with us, then she gets 3 hours to clean and I will check and she will launder.
However, while she's gone you
However, while she's gone you can make yourself feel happier by cleaning it and enjoying it clean while she's at her mothers.
This really does feel like a control issue because you insist on letting it eat at you while she's gone and waiting to try to cajole, convince or otherwise coerce her into doing it. She is NOT going to do it the way you like and you WILL get grief from her and your husband.
My partner of nearly 4 years and I live together in his house. I am not a clean freak by any stretch, but I'm cleaner than he is. I accept that he is how he is. When I clean, I clean for MY comfort level and it allows me to be happy and not resent him.
I have changed from a total control freak to only doing what makes me happy. If having her bedroom clean, makes you happy................CLEAN IT!! Enjoy it, knowing full well, she will mess it up. Don't see it as doing it for her. Do it for your own sanity - or don't. And just accept that it is what it is.
I think you'd feel a lot more at peace if you focused solely on your own happiness.
I don't think that her lack
I don't think that her lack of pitching in to do your projects equals lack of respect for the household.
I think she is a bit lazy like most teens.. also needs a lot of direction.. like most teens.
You think.. gosh.. how can she watch me knock myself out without wanting to help? but the reality is that kids watch their parents knock themselves out constantly.. It's normal for them.. I think you are expecting a lot of someone that has had little expected of them.. and YOU cannot be the one to give them this lesson.
And.. apparently her father models all of this great behavior to her.. what is he doing while you are out hammering at the clay soil and scrubbing cabinets. Unless you are a SAHW.. there is no reason why the responsibility to keep the house up is not SHARED with you and him.. he should be doing more than "helping you".. he should be doing his share. AND.. on top of that.. it's HIS job to parent his child and teach them to be more generous helping around the house as well.
You are putting a lot of frustration at the child.. when it's the adults in her life that have led to this point.
Kids are lazy.. they are focused on themselves.. their teen lives.. their social media.. cleaning your pantry aren't going to be tops on that list. Was I raised to be helpful to my parents.. yes.. but at a very very young age it starts.. you can't just start trying at 16.. or at some late date and certainly not as the step parent.. who doesn't need to be riding herd on her.. causing stress for everyone.. including you.
I'm glad your DH is ok with you hiring someone to help you get your projects done.. now how about you get him to get his daughhter to clean her sheets.. or maybe he could do it?
2 things, maybe 3...
1. When I say she doesnt respect the household, Im thinking of how trashed her room is. She doesnt even HAVE her own room when with her mother (poor poor pitiful her!). I totally understand that the yard and the rest of the household isnt really her concern.
2. Im not her parent.
3. She races to help her mother, spent like a month each "helping" her mother move each time. Helped clean up after her sister...many times. Yet somehow cannot help even in the slightest at our house. Because "my poor mom" doesnt have anyone but poor little SD PS", and dad has Clove.
4. Husband kept the kitchen clean all while cooking his own superbowl spread, so good on him. All I had to do was sit back and munch.
Learning to be organized and
Learning to be organized and neat is something that has to be learned and developed in people.. some people never really get to a great place with it. Personally.. I am not particularly neat... it does not equal respect.. it equals disorganization.
Trying to "rescue" her mom and sister are different than chore expectations from you.. or the thought of helping when she sees you as fully capable.. and yeah.. you have help or should have it from your DH...
And.. great that your DH cooked and cleaned for an event that was important to HIM.. and if it side benefited you.. great.. but do you believe you are getting the support to do these other big projects from him.. digging a hole for a lemon tree.. I mean.. with all due respect.. I am not the hole digger in my family.. my DH would do that. Not saying I don't do hard things. or couldn't .. I put in acres of Tposts on my own.. when he was working out of town.. but if he is there.. he would absolutely never expect me to be doing hard labor when he could have been helping.. or doing that.
And.. yes.. you are not her parent.. and all the things you try to do.. help her keep up with school.. teach her to be responsible.. all those parenty things.. she resents you.. and your DH lets you get thrown under the bus.. and his EX blames you for being mean.. you are getting nothing out of it.. and the kid isn't learning anything.. nothing good anyway.
Look.. my DH isn't perfect either.. I have my own frustrations.. like when he would not stop throwing his dirty clothes at the bottom of our bathroom closet when he took a shower.. and it was awkward for me to bend in there and get them out (bathroom is tiny).. and no matter how much I asked.. he just did it anyway.. "I will get them later".. finally.. bought a couple of pop up laundry baskets to go there.. now he has no choice but to put it in a basket.. instead of the damn floor. sometimes even when we ask.. people just do things habitually.. it'snot that he doesn't love me.. but it was what it was.. the basket was the solution.. vs changing his pattern. you may need to just figure out how you can get him to contribute in ways that you need him tol.. including having his daughter help out.
Nextdoor
I just signed up.
The more I thought about things the more I agree. And even if it went well, the friend will have money to now go hang out and treat SD16 PS. So not the point.
It's not worth it
Teenagers- we had 5 all in their teens at the same time here. I shut the doors on their rooms and sometimes hired cleaning help. I didn't recruit them for housework very often, either, altho the older 2 boys had to take the trash cans out weekly and cut the grass. I sometimes had SD vacuuming. The 2 youngest - I don't recall them doing much, I think we were ground down by then.
I was so overwhelmed by our whole situation: the 3 SKs unexpectedly moving in, the integration of them into the family, the school issues, the unspoken emotional upheaval they had due to BM dropping the ball, my DH's extremely heavy responsibilities at work, dealing with my deadbeat ex and my bios' feelings about him - I was maxed out.
In the perfect world, I would have had the time, energy and strength to handle all that plus firmly train them to do more chores and battle their teenage resistance. But we only have so much bandwidth and it felt wisest to spend any of my extra resources on rest, self-care and therapy so I could maintain my poise and composure.
This is a long way of saying take care of yourself first, Clove, and hire somebody (adult) if you need help.
Agree
Ive decided (the long way) that its not worth the stress and anxiety and all the extra. Im going to hire someone. That way its just done, and on to the next thing.
Oh Clove I think your DH
Oh Clove I think your DH needs to put aside his fishing and Super Bowl and help you. Getting his support for you to get it from SD won't work. What are his roles around the house to help you?
My DH loves golf, footy, running, pretty much any physical activity or sport and puts that on his priority list sometimes and it drives me nuts!! I stand in the doorway holding my broom and say 'I need your help first'. He looks at me like Ive said something devastating.
I would be a tad salty trying to garden outside while he sits and relaxes or out golfing. Have you both tried to tackle the house together at the same time?
If I didn't have DH help around the house, I'd be struggling big time. I don't deal with teenagers yet, but feel SS10 is morphing into the lazy gaming one where he will starve instead of making himself food. Ive disengaged and it's super hard sometimes for me not too. I stop asking them directly about anything and leave it up to DH. I just can't deal with it mentally anymore.
I know you are like me and find it hard to walk past SD without caring and wanting her to lift a finger and help you, but try to keep walking past her and ask your DH instead. He is the one that needs to support you.. not his sulky teenager. Goodluck :)
Edit: Agree with hiring help if that has to be the case. I think that will ease alot of your stress too. We can't afford a cleaner right now but when I'm back to work, definitely hiring one again!!
Salty
Like crackers.
I took a page from the drama triangle playbook and played "victim" - I didnt get anything done!!!! Im so bummed!!!
So he gets to hear about it but Im not complaining about Lazy A$$ skid.
Hiring out, and not her friends.
I'm struck by her getting on
I'm struck by her getting on her phone and that being available to her when she had stuff to get done. DH should have taken it with him. As in you put it in the truck he drove. Whoops. I don't think you will ever be happy living with either one of them. You don't draw hard boundaries with either. Best to get out if this mess IMO. Love just isn't enough sometimes.
Set a chore list that one person cannot possibly complete.
Give it to DH and SD together and tell them it all gets done TODAY then point out to DH in front of SD that SD had better be working her ass off on it right next to DH.
Then go get a facial, mani, pedi, and a massage.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat until daddy grows a set and SD contributes consistently until she launches and is no longer resident in your home.
This was the burning platform that his mom and I lit under SS when he graduated from HS and then turned 18 a few months later. He always had chores, they just amplified to overwhelming after he finished HS then turned 18.
12+ years later... he is doing great in his life and career.
Clove already has a big
Clove already has a big enough problem with her SD having an attitude and blaming Clove for "attacking her". This is absolutely something she needs to NOT address with or in front of her SD.
She needs to approach her DH .. with that list.. say. These are the household things that need to be done.. NOW.. I need you to do your share.. and honestly, it would do your daughter some good to learn to be more helpful as well. I'm not going to have that fight with her.. but these things need to get done. So, if you are not interested in doing the work.. I won't do it either.. and I will just hire someone to do this.. and charge you for your share.. let me know what way you want it to go".
I'm not saying that her SD wouldn't benefit from chores. but it absolutely does not need to be Clove leading that parade. I am assuming your wife was 100% in line with her expectations and that the boy had been raised that way from way back.. this situation is different. OP won't be teaching her SD a lesson.. other than.. if she whines to mom and dad.. she gets Clove off her back and out of the work.
YEP
And daddio takes out her garbage too...sometimes she will do it.
I should post a list. And just expect that its done. Daily and weekly. No discussions.
Do not post a list with HER
Do not post a list with HER responsibilities. ...
that is a mistake..
If you want to make a list.. share it with your DH.. ask him how he wants to split up the assignment of work.. or pay for it.. that's it.. you do not put her name down.. if he doesn't.. so be it.. that is his choice.
He will not be the first parent to not set expectations for their kid.. and if you make this your problem.. you won't be the last SM to be frustrated and twisted up over it.. but if he doesn't care then why should you? as long as the "work" gets done.. and if HE won't do it.. then there is a problem.. with him.
again.. no list posting for her benefit.. she will ignore that.. like she ignores your reminders...
yah
I just need to vent here and give it up in general. too much stress.