Dealing with Guilt
So I am fairly new to being a step parent (SS8/10) - going on about four years now, no bio children. I feel guilty ALL THE TIME about my feeling towards SS10. I find myself increasingly frustrated and dreading when our time starts because SS is a carbon copy of his bio mom. Manipulative, selfish, short tempered, unreasonable, everything you can imagine. There hasn't been a single time where he's been over where its been pleasant - even DH, as SS is getting older, is getting annoyed by his behaviour because we can see how biomom is manipulating situations and the emotions of both kids at any given time. Everytime I look at him I see his mom and I cannot get past that and I just feel angry (I hate her, and I don't use that term lightly) and I honestly am not happy with myself for it - because at the end of the day, he's 10 and its not his fault. Yet at the same time there is literally nothing we can do about it because of the loyalty he carries for his mom. DH is aware of my feelings but to fully vent about it isn't exactly an option because of course he loves him; no matter whether we share the same opinion on certain behaviours, he will always love him no matter what whereas I do not.
Which brings to point #2... how the heck do I begin to care about him when I don't even like him? I have tried many times and nothing ever gives and I've basically restorted to being on autopilot and going about my parental duties because I cannot handle the constant, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to eat this, why can't we just have fish sticks for dinner, my mom lets me do this, I don't want to use a fork. Not to mention he is always hurting his brother (consistent at both homes) and his mom doesn't do anything about it and just says "he has trouble expressing his emotions" (skrew that), and even went as far as to hit a 4 year old who was visiting with us the other day because "he wouldn't listen" to him, and my dog (who is my baby) because he wouldn't listen to him.
I am at a total loss on this one and DH is trying for shared custody (right now were about 35%) and I'm just sitting here like ughhhh. It's also worth noting I get along really well with SS8 who is basically his dad in tiny form and we have a good relationship. This is basically the tip of the iceburg but if anyone has any insite, maybe shared experiences would be helpful going into the teenage years where this is inevitabley going to get worse... TIA
It's frustrating when we don
It's frustrating when we don't care for the kids in our home.
BUT.. and this is a BIG BUT... you said you go about your parental responsibilities....and I go back to the line where you have NO BIOS of your own. Honey... give yourself an enormous break here. YOU do NOT have parental responsibilities for these kids.
They have two parents. It's your husband's job to care and parent them in his home.. and BM does the same in her home. You are not obligated to get them off to school.. play mommy.. none of that.
Now, you may help your husband with his responsibilities because it is mutually beneficial to the home.. like he has a huge paying job that means he can't leave to go to pickup at school.. your job gets out early so it works.. and it works as long as it is doable for you. If the kids or kid isn't behaving and listening to you.. you tell your DH he needs to figure out other arrangements.. I mean. what would he do if you were not married?
I mean, I get wanting to be part of the family.. and hoping it all blends.. but sometimes that is more difficult for a variety of reasons.
In your case, it would probably be better if you had less responsibility to parent his older son and your DH should be all over those aggressive and violent outbursts... they are NOT acceptable.. and he needs to handle this now with a child vs waiting till he has an angry violent teen on his hand in JUvie.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.. I know it's hard to not have some empathy for the kids but you can't force a relationshp or emotion..
Thanks for the reply. I'm
Thanks for the reply. I'm sorry for responding so late I didn't even realize I had responses!
When DH didn't have me he worked an out of town job and would be 3 weeks on 1 week off at which time he had the kids. Getting to school wasn't an issue, he did it all fine. But now he's back in town working to try and have a sense of normality in our lives (that 3 on 1 off schedule was horrible) and he starts work at 6am. He has no family and no one to help and my family isn't around either so we're kind of left to make things work as we can. My schedule allows for more flexibility so through no fault of his, a lot of it does fall on me. He could afford to stop working but of course... not an ideal option if you know what I mean especially on the child support front.
He's been addressing the aggression issues best he can but when biomom doesn't do anything about it it becomes much harder. She defends his behavior and then when he's here and DH does discipline we get the "I want to go back to moms" and "mom doesn't care" attitude.
It's honesty all just a lot to handle and some days I just hit my head against a wall (mostly figuratively lol).
Hun, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!! I
Hun, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!! I used to feel guilty, now I realize it's because SD is truly an attrocious child
I'm glad I'm not alone. I'm
I'm glad I'm not alone. I'm dreading the teenage years but also looking forward to being a bit more blunt lol
It’s yours DH job to parent his kid
don't want to go to school, DH must take of this maybe he should be the one to get him to school
I don't want to eat this, DH must explain, you make dinner, he must eat it like everyone else
why can't we just have fish sticks for dinner. Once again , you do dinner he eats it no questions
my mom lets me do DH explain this not mom house, it's your house what has it own set of rules
I can't see why DH wants more visitation if he not parenting his kids. He dumping his responsibility onto you. I would not let this happen Go out, get a job, volunteer do something to get out and let DH parent
Honestly DH does all of this
Honestly DH does all of this - minus the school thing because work starts too early for him to get them there and we have literally no family here. But they just don't respond well because the rules are SO different at biomoms place.
This also then creates a tension in the house when he explains "different house different rules" because then he will go back to biomom and say he doesn't want to come back to our place and she allows it because she doesn't want to foster a relationship with their dad. And then we get the exact same answers from both kids on why they don't want to come over as if they've been coached to say it, and the. DH is left feeling like a failed parent and me feeling like our house rules are getting in the way of parenting time with his kids.
And at the end of that what do we do... force them to come over anyways? And have biomom make DH look like an unreasonable person to the kids... it's really tough.
you have no parental
you have no parental responsibilities so let that go now. Dad can handle him. BUT big but if he is hitting others and animals, be loud and clear that that is a no way jose thing.. If Dad's home call him into the room. If Dad's not home make it clear that that behavior will not be a part of your home and Dad will deal with it the second he walks in the door.
Now, a small word of advice from an old timer who did day care work her entire career. If Dad is not home, call/text him to prewarn him because the second his car tires hit the drive way that child will hightail it to Daddy and try to monopolize him so you cannot discuss his behaviors. You need to put an end to that sh!t, that crap may float but it don't fly
That's definitely a part I
That's definitely a part I struggle with. If he hits my dog, I'm not waiting for dad to get home. That's my baby and granted my dog would never do anything to harm a human, it's dangerous behavior from a child to do that.
Luckily for us - the kids know we talk about everything and dad sees through the manipulative behavior. DH and I have at least 3 calls throughout the work day even if Ss aren't around. (As codependent as that may sound)
Im basically an echo of you
But Im 8.5 years in and my skids are older by 12 and 7 years consequitively.
SDnow 22 was always a mean-tempered spoiled elfish brat. And she acts just like her mother.
Without stopping this behavior hardcore, Im here to tell you this will get worse. I too have a younger skid that is more like her father, but looks like her mother. I think its probably easier when the kids are male vs female, because mother-daughter bonds seem stronger. Anyway.
My advice is to disengage as much as you can from the older one. Research and read on here. Talk with your spouse about the issues and problems, but leave out the 'I dont like skid' part. Make it more about best interest of kid.
Now as to hitting the dog? Thats where you need to step in and hardline. Take his fun stuff away. Dont let him be alone with doggie EVER, and tell him why. Seriously that makes me nausious to think about.
"elfish brat". lol. Now I
"elfish brat". lol. Now I will picture FF with pointy ears.
This guy i used to date would
This guy i used to date would frequently be in text battles with his ex. He was always talking about her "selfish desires" but it autocorrected to "shellfish desires" every time. I always pictured her with an insatiable hunger for shrimp and crawfish. Maybe oysters...
Definitely glad-ish to hear
Definitely glad-ish to hear some of the same. With the dog I've stepped in 1000000% he's my baby and eff that noise. My dog would never hurt anyone (high pain tolerance and endless patience) but the principle of the matter remains. The irony, is his dog at his moms bit him so you'd think he'd have learned but nope...
I am grateful for my DH because he sees all of it. He's not blinded by anything and is very aware of the issues. The trouble is getting biomom on board. Lord forbid we mention a councilor... it's exhausting
I'm with the others. You have
I'm with the others. You have NO parental responsibilities, only the ones you agree to do. Get this straightened out before DH gets 50/50 custody - you aren't the parent, and while you might help here and there, the lion's share of it is on DH.
I hear ya
I, too, had the situation where one was like BM (SDnow60) and one was very lovable (SSnow53). Once they moved in full time, I made every effort to treat them like my own kids and I did. But, our feelings are our feelings, we can't help how we feel. If you are doing everything to care for him that you should, you can't help if you don't love him.
If I were you, I would not concentrate on your feelings, if you are caring for him the best you can. But, I would focus DH's attention on your SS's behavior to others, especially those who are smaller. DH needs to laser focus on straightening that out now.
Good luck.
Why are you doing any
Why are you doing any parenting? Of course if little Damien is torturing animals or destroying property you step in right away but if he is doing things that fall under the parenting umbrella like making dinner, doing bedtime, or anything like that, its your DH's job to deal with it. The kid sounds like a nightmare who needs professional help.
We want to get him some help
We want to get him some help but biomom won't allow it... she thinks there's nothing wrong and he just has troubles expressing himself... ya right.
When it comes to the parenting stuff, I care too much. Honestly. If I could have 30 dogs I would lol. I can't help but want to take care of people in my life and that includes SS despite my best judgements. But also stems from the fact the in our house we have our rules and if DH isn't home, I can't just let things slide so it becomes a bit of a Grey area.
As are most feelings, guilt
As are most feelings, guilt is a choice.
Make a different choice.
IMHO of course.
As for your 10yo SS. He is far past old enough to earn the feelings other's have for him. In your case, he has earned your dislike.
Don't beat youself up over the ire he has earned.
That actually resonates a lot
That actually resonates a lot. Thank you. He also has a choice... I appreciate that
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your insight, I do apologize for thr delayed responses to everyone I somehow missed notifications!
I can appreciate the general consensus of not parenting. It is hard at times though when DH isn't home and the house rules still need to be enforced for my sanity. Banshees running around my house us definitely a no go. DH, when he is home, is very good at stepping up to his roll and we are good at communicating what I need in terms of how the house operates (if that makes any sense).
I will 100% look up more on disengagement - I didn't realize it was actually such a huge topic so thanks for the direction there.
So if there should be no parental responsibilities, how does everyone deal with the financial aspect of child support? DH and I share income - but when it comes to child support it's all from him with primary care bring with biomom. Yet now we're learning that with shared custody, my income will be considered when looking at child support. If we look at just DH income, there's literally nothing left at the end of the month with child support, section 7, extras for the kids etc (he also does not have ANY debt to his name, but biomom also doesn't work by choice so support amounts are higher). And now when we were expecting an ofset amount for shared custody, we've been told that my income will have an intense on support due- which is bull in my mind. Not to mention this doesn't exactly help the warm and fuzzies towards SS...