Like talking to Joan Crawford
In Mommie Dearest. I've had several conversations with my mother over the weekend. She explained away her foul behavior and my brother's by saying that they were so angry. Haven't I ever been so angry? And all this over 25 thousand. (My IRA).
She became outraged when I mentioned them getting divorced. At first. Now a day later she can't wait for my father to sign off on everything. But I told her she needs to put the full financial cards on the table. She is paying off at least a dozen credit cards! Including my brother's mortgage and fancy car payment!
whst are my thoughts? That I wish they HAD gotten a divorce years ago. That my brother should not have been alienated from his father. I am upset with my father. For not standing up for himself. Now I feel that my father needs to proceed with this mess. He just puts his head down and says he doesn't know what to do.
I will take him to see a divorce attorney this week. There does need to be an accounting of all the debt incurred.
I think it's a lesson that we can't just stay in bad marriages and bad relationships. Maybe my brother would have had a good relationship with his father and he would have been responsible for himself.
Ugh. If it's any consolation,
Ugh. If it's any consolation, even if your father had left your mother, he still would have most likely been alienated from his son, and your mother would still have been enmeshed with your brother and acting in this manner. In fact, she might have successfully alienated you from your father, too, had they split up.
Only passive men stay with women like this long-term, so it's no surprise that your father doesn't know what to do. There is no point in confronting your mother and expecting accountability, she sees herself as the victim here.
Yes
She now is at their home while my father is here. She is already texting my kids telling them to ask their grandfather where her valuables are? I guess she is trying to take as much as she can carry on the plane. I told her not to include my kids in this even though they are adults. They have already been through a divorce.
I think this is worse then going through my own divorce. I have a raging headache for days. I just was stunned by the lack of empathy from my mother. And is there some dementia there? Sadly she is a puppet for her son. He was the child who never had a father so he grew up resentful and entitled. He has nothing now but mountains of debt.
She crippled her son
She crippled her son emotionally, as so many of these BMs do - by using them as a source of emotional gratification. Have you considered Adult Protective Services? They can possibly protect your dad and maybe your mother, too, if there is some dementia involved.
Does your brother know what a loser he is?
I'm sort of going through the same thing except my87 year old grandmother does have dementia. We just moved her into a home. My aunt became power of attorney and discovered my grandmother is like 90,000 in debt or more from supporting her 57 year old son. It's despicable. My uncle has no shame. None.
It’s escalating.
The police showed up at my house. My brother called and said he had concerns about the safety of our father. The police spoke to him and he denied any problems. We told the police there are issues. They left. A few hours later I get texts from brother that are outright lies accusing me of locking him up in my house. He knows we now have seen the bank account and know the depth of my mother's enmeshment. She is exactly like a heroin addict. Has dozens of credit cards. All to pay her son.
Take your father to an
Take your father to an attorney and to the police, and see what can be done.
If he's willing. He's part of this enabling, too, whether consciously or not.
So, your brother basically
So, your brother basically called the police on YOU, that YOU were doing something nefarious to your father?
Unbelievable! Well, I guess not really, but considering what he and your mother are doing to your father, it's weird for him to get the police involved, as the truth will come out. They are basically stealing from your father and now trying to steal his home out from under him.
Frightening and devastating
At the same time. I never dreamed that my brother would be capable of doing this. My heart hurts that we will never see my nephew again. I'm sure the alienation has begun. I am going to an attorney for advise for my father and also to document the harassment and finances.
Agree with tog
Get your father some help now. This thing is escalating and he needs to be protected.
Plus I'd get some legal advice for yourself. The next thing your brother may do is call the police on you over your kids to retaliate. Or something worse like swatting.(sending armed police to your house by saying there's a serious situation).
It hurts to read this. While
It hurts to read this. While my family is much more subtle, there are similar things going on. Stories and lies behind my back constantly, dragging my kids into it. I hear words come out of my kids' mouths that are my mother's, word for word, same exact things she always said to me and about me and then they deny she's influencing them. I now have two daughters who won't speak to me.
What really jumped out at me though was your wish that your father had stood up for himelf. It's a no-win situation with people like this. You are standing up for yourself and look how they're retaliating, canons blazing. I stood up for myself, told my sister she had to stop screaming at me, told my father my siblings had to stop their derisive treatment of me and here we are 14 years later with my parents and siblings having steadily worked at my kids to turn them against me.
I stood up for myself with XH (narcissist, also running us deeply into debt, seeing other women) and he and my family are working together with the stories about how awful I am. One of my daughters now lives with him and I suspect that has something to do with her sudden change of attitude.
The point being -- I get wishing your father had stood up for himself. But I'm not sure that would guarantee things had turned out better. Getting involved with this sort of person is like getting involved with the mafia. They don't let you just leave and move on with your life. Had he divorced her or stood up to her, she would have caused just as much trouble in some other way.
Time for the elder abuse
Time for the elder abuse charges to be requested. Get your dad an attorney, one who can act against your brother wholesale to protect both your dad and your mom. Put your POS brother's ass in prison.
I would. But then gain, my mom and dad would not tolerate this crap from either of their sons, or anyone else for that matter, and would come down on them like a ton of shit in a one pound bag for what your brother is doing and has manipulated your mom into doing.
I shudder at the thought of my 5'2" white haired GrandMa mom goin ape shit if we ever did anything like your brother has done and is doing. Then it would get worse when my exceptionally fit 79yo USMC dad took over to finish off what little would be left of us.
IMHO you have to tune out the emotion and go immediately to effective resolution mode.
Though counterintuitive, your brother being the prison bicycle for the lifers is the best thing for your nephew.
I am sorry you and your dad are having to go through this. Your DH and your direct family too.
Don't forget to take care of yourself in all of this.