Early morning rant about SO
Two months ago, one of my really good friends suggested we do a monthly meetup. The 3 of us were tight and we've never done monthly meetups, just random, and after a lot of years of us going different ways (living in diff countries) and now finally back in the same place again, we all decided it was a swell idea. (Background: we see each other weekly at the B-church but not much opportunity to seriously talk and catch up unless we meet outside)
yesterday was the 2nd meetup since inception. One of us couldn't make it (BFF) as it was her wedding anniversary so it was just us 2. I didn't tell my partner that it was just us two. Just said dinner was good when she asked this morning. When I got home around 9.30pm, all lights were already off and she was in bed. I went to sleep in another room.
Anyway. Point of my ranting is that she said to me 'you are seeing them again today. And you're going to BFF's place Tuesday for dinner. I don't even get to see my friends. Don't say you never get to see your friends.' So I said to her in a very calm tone, not wanting to fight when I've just woken up 'you sound jealous.' And she went 'you act so begrudged like you don't get to see them. You see them all the time.' To which I said 'I'm used to see them a lot more.' I used to see them randomly. No fixed times. Just whenever we could, but I don't now because I protect my saturdays and always reject them when they ring. So I can spend time with her. I also don't go out on fridays after work to have dinners anymore. I've only just started this monthly friday dinner two months ago.
just because she's given up her whole life for her son, doesn't mean I have to, right? Okay so I'm selfish. I want my own life outside of this house. As a free person before this, I've given up a lot for this relationship. I never wanted a child. I've stepped in to try and do my best. All I'm trying to do is to keep a part of me that is still me. Sometimes I FEEL like she wants me to give everything up - friends, life, religion - and just be with her.
I am so upset because her next retort was 'you don't have to stay here. You can make a choice. No one is holding you here prisoner.'
like WTF.... I'm here because I see value in our relationship. Me having a life outside of it doesn't mean I devalue our relationship. I couldn't control myself at this point. I just replied (still in an even tone) 'okay. Remember what you've just said right now.' And I walked out of the room.
(btw, she doesn't know I found this website. I never told her I was seeking other stepparents to talk to so when I stumbled upon this golden site of a lifesaver, I didn't say anything to her)
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You are a single woman with
You are a single woman with no children. You have every right to meet up regularly with your friends. On the other hand, she is a parent, she will have to find a babysitter if she wants to go out with friends. That's just how it works. She can ask you to stay with him, she can ask family/friends, or she can hire a teenager down the street, but she will have to plan for her son if she wants to go out.
Based on your other blogs, I agree that she wants you to act as if he is your son, too, and feel similarly obliged to be home with him instead of out with friends. Or at the very least, to babysit so she can have time away with her friends.
OR, she simply is jealous and worries that your friends are more than friends.
She mentioned that next month
She mentioned that next month her friends from far away are coming. They haven't met up in ages and she wants me to babysit while she meets them. Another friend of hers who lives down the road has a 1 year old and she said to me that they might plan a catch up. I know this friend too, so I said that'll be nice, let's do it. And she said 'I meant I go with her and you stay home with the kid'
Yesterday i mentioned getting a babysitter. I said maybe we should plan our nights out on the same nights and get a babysitter. 'What's the point? We can just take turns going out on different nights so one of us can be with him.'
this morning she's angry. She feels I'm ungrateful that she let me go out and I still want more. When her son asked me which of the 3 toys I liked, I said honestly 'none of them.' And she retorted 'she likes none because she's mean.'
Okay so I'm mean and nasty. I am a childless woman and I chose to be so. If I end up old and alone, it is my choice. I'm with you because I actually like you enough to be with you. She's right though. I'm not a prisoner here. I can leave anytime.
she definitely is jealous that I get to go out. I can't help it if she made a choice to be a single mum and give up her life. I refuse to give up mine. I have already compromised and adjusted a lot of my freedom and friendship. But as for my girlies being 'more than friends', she knows it's not. She's even met them.
So, why are you staying? Not
So, why are you staying? Not asking to be mean but seriously why are you here? You sound really unhappy and like you're not well suited to each other. Yeah she may have some nice qualities, I'm not assuming she's a bad person or anything, but are they enough for you to live a life the exact opposite of what you want? Why not just find someone without a kid who will be up for going out a living the life you crave? The kid is going to be around for years and she's unlikely to change so things probably won't get better....,,
I've asked myself this
I've asked myself this question a million times too. You're not being rude. You're asking me a very honest question. I don't know why. Probably it's because I still love her and the thought of leaving makes me sad.
It seems odd to me that a
It seems odd to me that a couple would go out separately rather than together so one of them could stay home and watch the kids. My DH and I occasionally will do something with just our own friends (he'll go fishing with his; I'll go out to dinner with mine), but mostly we go out together and leave the kids with a babysitter. I can't imagine always going out separately, and there's no way I would stay home to watch skids so my DH could go do something I like to do too. When your SO decided to have a child, she limited her own social life. That doesn't have to mean that yours is limited too.
Also, what's this "she let you go out" business? You're a grown adult without the responsibility of a child. Why shouldn't you go out, and why would you need her permission to do so? Her expectations are ridiculous.
In the two years that I've
In the two years that I've known her, she's never used a babysitter. Her parents who live down the road are her sitters. It's convenient. They're not the best sitters, they give him junk food and he hears a lot of bad language at their place, but it's the easiest. When I asked, she said she's used sitters in the past when he was much younger but haven't for a while now. I'm assuming she left him with sitters when he was around 1 to go out on dates but now that he's older she can trust her parents with him. My grudge with it was why she doesn't just get a sitter so we can both go out? Why do we need to take turns? If her parents are old and unreliable, GET A SITTER. I told her they existed. She said she's let her ex-sitters fall away. Haven't used them in a while (prob more than the 2 years since I've known her).
now it's easier if we go separately. Obviously it's going to gall on her that I get to go out a lot more than she does. It's NOT MY KID! We fought once over this when she asked me to babysit him while she had an after work event till late. He wasn't the best behaved that night, giving me grief over dinner and bath and bedtime. So I was pissed off at her for putting me through that. We had a fight and she said it's only one night fine if I was so put out she'll never do it again.
of course she did it again. At least this time she was nice enough to apologize that he was being naughty and not listening to me.
not my fault she doesn't want to use a sitter so she can go out more. Not my fault she's trapped in her own home because she can't get anyone to watch her son. Not my fault she's got endless kids parties to go to while I take every opportunity of a kid party to do my own thing. I'm blunt about stuff like that. I have hurt her feelings many times with my bluntness about the whole 'her kid her problem' when she complains about the parties and lack of her-time.
i help when I can, but hey, sorry for being selfish but I'm my own person too!
I could never imagine asking
I could never imagine asking my spouse to watch MY kids so I can go out with friends. I really don't go out without him, we just do stuff together but the assumption of "we don't need a babysitter, you can watch him and I will go out with my own friends" just is a very A-hole comment.
You are childless and have a life outside of her and her kid. That is 100% ok!!! If she wants to be more involved in a social life with you, she needs to figure out what to do with her child. None of this is your problem.
Hey, Hon,
Hey, Hon,
Your partner, on two recent occasions, has threatened to dissolve your relationship when she disapproved of your activities:
~ Threw my sunday religion time in, then said i don't make an effort to engage with her and it's a package thing, her and her son. If I wasn't happy, I can go and find someone else ~
~…her next retort was 'you don't have to stay here. You can make a choice. No one is holding you here prisoner.'~
Instead of communicating to problem solve, your partner is behaving like an emotional terrorist, making veiled threats of separating. This is abuse, plain and simple. Boo, the relationship is no longer healthy for either you or your partner as your needs are no longer compatible.
~ she let me go out and I still want more~
Do you realize how unreasonable and controlling that sounds? At the very least, you and your partner need an objective third party to help you resolve your differences. A few counseling sessions would do you the world of good!
Op, listen to this. Your SO
Op, listen to this. Your SO is controlling and emotionally abusive. If it were me, I'd walk away, but if you think there's anything worth salvaging and that your so will make changes (I'm not hopeful) then the counseling idea may be helpful.
I agree. Also, when her SO
I agree. Also, when her SO doesn't get her way, she makes snarky comments about the OP in front of the child, which reminds me of someone else I know - BM in my situation. Including the kid in adult disagreements is another red flag.
The evening routine is not
The evening routine is not called 'witching hour' for nothing. I used to hear colleagues talking about witching hour in their house being the 5pm time of dinner, bath and bedtime. SS is very difficult when he wants to be during those times. It used to be easier to entice him with (fake) excitement and stories etc but now that he's almost 7, getting him to do those things are a bit of a challenge. He pushes the time, takes forever with meals and resists going into the bath. If he's done with the bath part of it, he takes over an hour to eat his dinner. And then it's finally bedtime and getting him to pee and get into bed for story time is another challenge. I'm just glad I have made it a point to stay out of that part of the night. I only have to do it when she goes out and I'm starting to dread that aspect of it. I don't like trying to get him to bed! Wish there was a babysitter to do it instead of me when she's out, however rare those occasions are.
This is part of your GF's
This is part of your GF's issues with parenting - that she can't get her kid to follow directions and get into a bedtime routine.
If you never go out as a
If you never go out as a couple and never have date nights because her precious absolutely HAS to have one of you there, what does that say about your couple? Are you her lover or just her babysitter and housekeeper? Why won't she make an effort to show you she loves you and she cares? You are getting the leftovers, the crumbs. Don't you think you deserve more than that? I certainly do.
Tell her to find a sitter because you're going to counseling. If she refuses, pack your baby. Counseling, in this case, is not optional.
Good luck. Life is too short to live it for someone else's demands.
I said the same thing on a
I said the same thing on a different thread. Does OP's SO even want "couple time?" She won't get a babysitter because she wants OP to BE the babysitter. Or to try to force OP to have as much invested in this child as she does. The problem is, OP didn't raise this child from birth so she doesn't feel "motherly". The kid has some behavior issues that make them difficult to watch.
When the kid is actually yours, either by adoption or biology, you can raise them to be tolerable, at least by your standards, and you have that parental feeling that makes you tolerate behaviors that you wouldn't tolerate from other kids. I'm a single parent too, but i'm not looking for my SO to be a parent. I'm looking for a relationship. Some single parents are looking more for parenting relief than for a partner. Don't be the babysitter! If your partner won't priotitize couple time over parenting time, *ever*, or for a percentage of the time that meets your needs, you are settling for crumbs!
Yeah, I don't think OP's
Yeah, I don't think OP's "partner" wants a partner-partner, so much as she wants a "parenting partner".
I honestly feel like you two
I honestly feel like you two just aren't a match. There is a reason I feel very strongly about those with kids should only date other people with kids and not drag/burden down someone w/out kids. You are young enough to have a life of your own, child-free or have a partner with whom you want a child together.
You seem to deeply resent that she has a kid as well-which won't be healthy for her or the child. I'm not saying I blame you, but it's just reality. You are in different paths of life. She feels your resentment and lashes out selfishly as well. Just different priorities/compatibility. I think it would be time to move your separate directions rather then both resent eathocher so much when you don't really have any ties together really yet.
I once asked if she was with
I once asked if she was with me because I was 'good with her son.' (Something I've heard her say to her friends and family many times) She said no. She was with me because she liked me for me. Doesn't matter if I wasn't good with him. I believed her. I thought it was cool that she liked me enough to brag about me to her friends and family about how awesome I was for the kid and with the kid. Bragged about how I made him start feeding and dressing himself. She loved the teacher-me.
I think expectations on her part have changed over time. Since I've now moved in, I'm the co-parent.
the veiled threats of 'you're not prisoner here' and 'find someone else' is thrown around because she knows I can't go anywhere in short notice. Where would I go? Nowhere. It's a busy term, I wouldn't have time to scratch, much less look for alternative lodgings.
I suspect why she doesn't get babysitters is because she doesn't trust anyone with her kid. Too many pedophiles out there, apparently. Everyone can be one. He must be within sight at all times (school excepted). Well, too bad for her then, that she's lost all opportunity to go out with her friends. Me being here is bonus. Now she can start making the odd arrangement. Hair appointment on a weekend where I can stay with him for couple of hours. Work drinks once in a while and I can pick him up from after school care. I got to admit that it's not often. Maybe once every month or two.
I just didn't like the fact that getting a babysitter was 'pointless' because we can take turns. I think the expectation for me to step in as her co is what makes me pissed sometimes. Sigh.... maybe sometimes when she's out, I also want to go out and not stay home with the kid.
Oh good lord. There are
Oh good lord. There are dangers everywhere and not using a babysitter is just an excuse because you are a control freak.
I can understand wanting to use family and friends first, sure. That feels safe but if that doesn't work, use a verified service with background checks. Ask around your church. I am sure there is a great teen girl that would LOVE to babysit and make some cash.