Any stepparenting experts out there?
As a teacher, I feel as if I've learnt a lot about discipline and classroom management. As for (step)parenting, I feel Ike a fish out of water. I read lots of books at the start when I met SS(4.5). I tried many strategies that experts talked about and a lot of it worked but a lot haven't. I got him feeding and dressing himself. That was my first 'claim to fame'. It appalled me that he was still being hand fed and dressed like a baby when he was almost 5. Over time, I got him to wash himself (in the bath) and now, if there isn't a bath available, he can wash himself (reluctantly) under a rain shower. I am proud of what I've achieved.
however, I still struggle with bedtime routine. Teaching never prepped me for bedtime with kids. Anyone out there an expert? Any tips on how to make the bedtime routine easier? We are quite strict on time and the steps to get to bed, but every night SS7 pushes and pushes. Doesn't want to go wee. Doesn't want to go to bed yet. excuses. Another drink. Another minute on the tv. Another minute to play. Wait for mum. Etc etc. I just check out and disengage most times but isn't there some magic pill to make it all easier? Even watching it gets on my nerves and I have to shut my mouth and walk away.
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I'm confused. In other posts
I'm confused. In other posts you talk about not wanting to parent him. Now you are talking about parenting him.
There are certainly "experts" about stepparenting out there, but the bottom line is that a couple has to decide what works for them. Seems to me you are giving your SO mixed messages about whether you are willing to be a co-parent with her.
At 7 this just sounds like a
At 7 this just sounds like a basic parenting issue. Like tog said, if you don't want to be the parent then don't. Go to your bedroom, go out for a walk, put headphones on if the bedtime whining bothers you. But disengage if you don't want to be the parent.
I don't want to parent him.
I don't want to parent him. But if there are any tricks, I can ask her to try it because the house is small and there is only so far I can hide. Can still hear them!
But ... this entire post says
But ... this entire post says "I did these things to help with parenting him". So were you parenting and now you aren't?
At the start I did all that
At the start I did all that when I first met them thinking I was 'helping out'. Then I realised it was parenting. And in the past month, I've started the disengagement process. So it is my own fault that I didn't draw the line, hence now the problems occurring. But I have been very clear of late, so I hope she now knows that I'm not going to be parent.
Every time he makes bedtime
Every time he makes bedtime difficult, he goes to bed 10 minutes earlier. Simplify the routine and start it early enough there is time to wind down. Drop the lights, cut the screens. If he still can't calm down talk to his doctor about melatonin. Those are my recommendations as an experienced parent.
I stepped out of bedtime
I stepped out of bedtime routine because clearly it was DHs job, the parent, not mine. I made sure they had pajamas and that was it, resentment was building all around just because I myself was doing 'parent things' bit no one saw me in that role, not even DH.
So you have to be clear in EVERYTHING you do as a SM. If your partner allows you to parent and all that entails with no backlash or undermining great! But this is not your situation. Do not help. Is your partner trying to figure this out and investigate her options and techniques? Or just you? Think about that.
You cannot have it both ways. I've tried! Never works.
I say you put this squarely
I say you put this squarely on your partner's shoulders. I do not do the skids' bedtime routine with them unless DH is so sick that he literally can't (because I want to be his partner and help out), which has only happened a couple nights in the last four years.
I'd pass the advice above on to your partner and then back off of it: 1) routine routine routine, 2) relaxing activities like bath and reading (no screens) and I know some that do meditation apps with kids, and my bio likes music during pjs and teeth 3) starting bedtime earlier if there was procrastination the night before.
Also, just from my POV, I ask for boundaries. My partner gets hurt about it, so I cave. Or at least I used to. I've started to hold firmer because if I feel guilty and want to smooth things over and give up, I'm telling him he doesn't have to take my boundaries seriously either. It's okay to want and need boundaries. It's not okay for your partner to disrespect them, and you need to respect your own boundaries too! If you say you don't want to parent your partner's kid, then don't. If something comes up and you're not sure if you want to do that parental task, ask to think about it and get back to her. If it's in the moment and you do it, think about it later and follow up about whether or not you felt comfortable doing it. But if you say you need a boundary, it's both yours and your partner's responsibility to honor it.
I recommend some good
I recommend some good headphones and a glass of wine for you, it makes bedtime much easier to ignore.
Ah thanks! I still don't want
Ah thanks! I still don't want to parent. And I have made it clear to her now after multiple 'talks'. Last night we got back slightly later and she said she needed a shower so please put him to bed. I said no, I don't want to. She can do it after. She asked me to help because it was getting late, so I caved and said to him 'let's go to bed'. He said 'no. I want to wait for mum.' And I really didn't want to do it but I saw the clock and tried again twice (stupid me) 'come on it's late let's go.' When he said no again, that was where I smartened up. I felt stupid standing there like I was being punished. So finally I just said 'fine. You're old enough to put yourself to bed anyway.' And then I left.
He could stay up another half hour or not, it ain't my problem. Her kid, her problem.
So this is an example of
So this is an example of where you have to say no. Your GF is a parent, she has to decide how to manage both taking a shower and putting him to bed, especially if he's difficult about going to bed. If he was easy to put to bed, I might have helped DH in these circumstances, but if SS was going to fight me, I wouldn't have. And my DH wouldn't have asked, most likely.
Personally, I think you two need to have a discussion about this. She seems to still view you as a co-parent. Give her the opportunity to decide if this is the relationship she wants, if you are no longer going to help her with parenting.