I think I fit into evil stepmother definition…
I can't stand the kid anymore. 
he used to at least be sometimes cute. Annoying but sometimes cute. Now he's just annoying, rude, selfish and stinky.
I still do my part. I still cook and clean for him. I still do his laundry. I still talk to him and take him to and fro before and after school care. I still give him his showers when he asks. I still answer his incessant questions. I don't think I've failed in the responsibility side. I do my best to help my partner out. She carries most of the child-rearing responsibilities but I do help out as much as I can. I never sit back and leave her in the lurch. I still do pickups now and then when she has to work late. I take him to before school care on my way to work because I leave the house before her and it's one less thing for her to worry about. I can put my hand on my heart and say that as her partner, I have done a lot for her and her son, and have made life easier for her. But! With regards to the SS, I don't know if what I feel for him is love.
I care for him but I don't know if I love him. Sometimes, I want to leave because it gets too much. He is defiant, doesn't listen, stubborn. She says 'it's hormones, they all get like that around age 8 but weird because he's only almost 7.' I wish she'd stop making excuses for the brat. I've told her many times it's because she never follows through with her threats. She tells me I have to use the wooden spoon (when she herself has NEVER used it!!! She's only ever threatened him with it to make him stop whatever bad behavior he is exhibiting.)
I don't make empty threats. He knows that I mean what I say so I refuse to use the wooden spoon threat.
today I had to collect him after work because she was working late. I asked him to do 2 jobs: bring me your lunchbox (I had to wash it) and go have your shower. I had to make both requests about 17 times, and an hour and half later, neither was done. In that time, I made dinner, served his up, ate mine, washed up. I ended up ignoring him after almost having a shouting match. I didn't even ask him to eat his dinner. He sat there playing with his toys and watched me plate up his food, eat mine, and wash up. I didn't ask him again for anything. I didn't ask him for his lunchbox (In fact I didn't even bother taking it out but left it for his mum to deal with when she got home). I didn't ask him to go have his shower, and I didn't ask him to come and eat his dinner (something his mum would've insisted and yelled until she was hoarse. She literally begs him to eat his meals, it feels like)
so an hour and 45mins after he came home and ignored my requests, he came into the room to ask me to give him a quick shower (which I did), said to me 'you don't care about me', and then he walked out to sit and have his dinner.
I ignored him. I just thought, So, I don't care about you but I've just picked you up about an hour and 45mins ago, cooked your dinner, gave you a shower. I don't care about you but I do your laundry, drop you off in the mornings and make sure you are comfortable. Right. I don't care about you.
Is it evil to just ignore him rather than go into a full blown battle to get things done? Maybe his love language is yelling and screaming and shouting. Maybe talking nicely to him and explaining things calmly and then taking a step back and leaving him to think/ponder/whatever is not what he wants. Maybe he likes having us repeat our requests a million times until we lose it and scream. Well, maybe I'm evil then. Maybe I'm the epitome of evil stepmother and I choose to ignore you rather than repeat a million times and yell.
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Comments
Ah and when mum comes back,
Ah and when mum comes back, she asks if he was being cheeky to me. I don't even think cheeky is the right word to use. She talked to him. Told him it wasn't nice to be cheeky to me. And then after giving him lots of hugs and kisses, asked him to apologize. He just says 'sorrY' and doesn't mean it. Empty words. When I ask what he's sorry for, he says 'I don't know. Mum asked me to say it'. Like... WTH...
And then he gets milk and biscuits. So I say 'nice one, he's getting rewarded for bad behavior.' And her excuse? He went and helped himself to it.
he usually asks, so im surprised he actually went and helped himself to it today and she didn't even stop him. Whatever.
Two thoughts
I've got two thoughts on this.
Thank you. After Friday's
Thank you. After Friday's episode, I've told myself to just take a step back and stop concerning myself with him. I don't say anything when he tries to push his bedtime back or procrastinate. I pretty much have started ignoring him. Probably not good but I've yet to find a balance. Still learning!
Seems like your role needs to
Seems like your role needs to be clarified. Are you a parent, or not? You seem to be doing a lot of parenting (all you describe above is parenting) on a regular basis. So do you have authority with him or no? If the answer is no, then stop doing all of the above. If the answer is YES, then you two should go to a parenting class to learn how to give kids consequences that are effective and don't involve a wooden spoon. You shouldn't have to ask 17 times for him to comply, but he knows there are no consequences for not complying.
Partner says I have authority
Partner says I have authority. So I think in a way I'm in quite a 'lucky' situation as compared to some other steps out there who don't. :/
I totally feel you
It is a lot easier to "forgive and forget" when they are cute. Problem is they grow out of the cuteness but not the rudeness. I get that your SS is only 7, have you tried to do only the absolute must? (Laundry? His mom can do. Food? His mom can do, HW? His mom can do.) I understand sometimes the bio parent might have other work obligation so we can help as needed. You just don't want to be taken for granted.
Thank you everyone
I like honest comments. I have reflected on this myself many times. I think I get 'too involved' in the child rearing and end up being like the parent. My partner says I am a co-parent and I have full authority. But sometimes it's really hard. She told me not to take it personally, said he's rude to her too as well as all the people who love him. Ive said to her that I wouldn't take it like she would. Pretty much alluded to the fact that I would leave him (and in essence, her) if he continues on this trajectory because ultimately he will get bigger and stronger and I have no wish to one day be battered to death by him.
Okay maybe I'm exaggerating here, but the point I was trying to make to her was that she needed to up her game in the discipline. She said she would try her best to be more consistent.
You’re not to blame
I think ignoring a kid is a lot better than having a screaming match with them. Sometimes we have to put ourselves in time out. I really believe you're strategy is appropriate.
"he came into the room to ask me to give him a quick shower (which I did), said to me 'you don't care about me', and then he walked out to sit and have his dinner." To me, this is his way of saying that you only care about him if you fight with him. It sounds like he's doing all of this to get attention which equals love in his mind.
I'm also afraid of winding up with the "evil stepmother" brand because I try to give my adult stepchildren who still live at home some structure and discipline. We can't be too hard on ourselves. We're doing our best to get along and not do any harm to anyone else. Try to take it easy on yourself. You are not the problem!