No bedroom Privacy
Hi Everyone,
I'm new here and please forgive me if my English is not the best in the world. This forum, which I found quite literally by accident may have saved my life.
So a bit of context, I'm a 34 year old man who's married to a 47 year old woman currently living in South Africa. She's got two grown kids from her two previous relationships, a 24 year (girl) and an 18 year old (boy). They both live with us and each have their own rooms but share a bathroom between themselves.
We have our own bedroom and yet somehow, there are always in our bedroom and I've tried so many times to address the issue without success. Set down with them with their mom present, established rules about space and privacy which keep getting broken.
Please advice.
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Comments
Put a lock on your bedroom
Put a lock on your bedroom door.
What's their excuse for being in your bedroom?
Basic stuff like they see
Basic stuff like they see something funny on TV and want to share it with their mother or randomly walk in ask things like "what are you guys up to?". Petty things like that and it's beyond annoying. I come back from work almost every day to see the three of them sitting on our bed and watching TV. There is a TV in the lounge by the way!
We've got a lock on the door but each time they knock, she let's them in.
So it's your wife who's the
So it's your wife who's the problem, right? Have you tried asking them to kindly go and watch the TV in the lounge because you want to unwind after a long day? Have you tried switching the roles? Like going and sitting in one of their bedrooms to read/do crosswords/check your phone/etc. When asked, you can say that it's the only place you can find privacy and peace.
Or when they ask what "you guys" are up to, you might want to give them the kind of answer they don't really want to hear - a mild version would be "well, we'd like to have sex so go and play somewhere else." You could also decide to refuse sex to your wife until she gets her kids sorted out. Or is she using her kids presence as a way to avoid sex?
Why is a 24 year old still living with her mommy?
On numerous occasions I've
On numerous occasions I've spoken to them about watching the TV in the lounge. They comply for a week or so, and then it's back to our bedroom again.
Up until about six months ago, when I really just put my foot down and just about left for good, the girl even though she was working and could afford her own place was basically living off of us. Now she's paying rent but doesn't buy food or anything else. I've since removed her wireless internet privileges on all her devices.
I'll have a go at your suggestion about hanging out in their rooms. And will definitely try the sort of response that probably aren't expecting to hear from me.
The mom basically feels the kids should have unrestricted access to her, something they grew up used to before I came into their lives. I tried to be reasonable about it but I'm beyond stretched!
You need to have this out
You need to have this out with your wife.
Welcome to the site!
Your English is fine, by the way. As Kaylee said, you need to have this out with your wife - she is the one allowing the boundaries to be breached. Why is the 24 yr old not out in her own place? That's another conversation you need to have with your wife.
Yep, your wife is the issue.
Yep, your wife is the issue. I never minded my SS coming in the bedroom if we were all fully dressed, he knocked and we invited him in - but I would not have appreciated DH watching TV in there with him. If she knows you don't like it, why is she doing it?
Her kids are much too old to be hanging out on your bed watching TV. Seems like she only cares about your needs if you threaten to leave.
These women are 18 and 24
These women are 18 and 24 YEARS old, not months?
Why can't your SO go into their rooms and sit on their beds to watch television? They all seem to be cool with sharing their spaces. You, for many a good reason, are not. They can have unfettered access to her...in their rooms.
Before you talk to your wife about this, you need to know what action you'll take if she doesn't respect your request to not have other adult women in your bedroom. Will you leave? Will you convert another room in the house into your bedroom for privacy? Will you move into your own place but continue with the relationship? Whatever it is you're going to do, make sure you know what it is and actually do it. If you don't, every time you bring this issue up, it will fall on deaf ears because the perception - and reality - is that this isn't a bad enough issue for anyone to change their behaviors.
One of them is male, lounging
One of them is male, lounging on the bed with mom and sis.
Oops, missed that detail,
Oops, missed that detail, thanks for catching that.
My advice still stands, though. I find it strange that everyone is cuddled up on Mom's bed daily to watch television, but different strokes. The big issue here is which bed this is happening on, and not on OP's bed in OP's bedroom is the answer.
I don't understand why parents want their kids in their bedrooms when the activities can be done anywhere else in the house. I can think of exceptions as to why, but I don't understand daily wanting your kids in your room, in your bed, especially once they are adults.
I completely concur,
I completely concur, definitely seems like I've been too polite about the issue hoping they'd see reason and act differently. Time for some decisive action.
I agree.
I agree.
"We have already talked about this now GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM!" And remain standing over them until they leave. If your wife objects, tell her she can hang out with them in their bedrooms or the kitchen or the lounge or wherever the heck she likes but this is not just HER space, it's also YOURS and it's time the three of them respected that.
My SO was big on having his
My SO was big on having his bed be the family hang out. I finally had enough after a few incidents. One was we were in bed, i had on only a small t-shirt, and SS11 (maybe 10 at the time) climbs in between me and SO in only tidy-whities. Ick! Then i was in the master bathroom right after having sex (you have to walk through the bedroom to get in there.) Like, 30 seconds after, and in comes SS then-10, and SO had the nerve to yell at me because SS saw me naked. That was the last fking straw.
No kids (or adult kids - pathetic!) in the adult bedroom. You are not related to these adult moochers and you don't want them in your bed. So get them the hell out of your bed!
Your wife needs to set boundaries
As a spouse/sexual partner, you are entitled and should have the respect of your own privacy. My sd was 24 and banged on our bedroom door at 7 in the morning knowing full well me and hubby were having private time and what she wanted from daddy wasn't an emergency.
the result of this is that my sd's do not come on any visits or holidays because hubby knows they do not respect our privacy one bit
Ewwww this is weird for a mom
Ewwww this is weird for a mom to be hanging out with her ADULT kids in her bedroom, especially when she's married to not their father.
I think it's creepy even if
I think it's creepy even if it was their bio dad. At 18 and 24 these adults should know about the birds and the bees and respect the privacy of the bedroom.
Sounds like major enmeshment
Sounds like major enmeshment and kids who were raised with no boundaries at all. Changing these attitudes is a long road.
Totally! It's just extra
Totally! It's just extra creepy since he's not.
Almost feels like I'm the
Almost feels like I'm the stranger who invaded their world and should just get with the program like before, I came into the picture.
Yes
This is common with SK's. They want to make sure they keep you 'in your place', with a status below theirs. In other words, this is what we did before you, your opinion doesn't count as much as ours, so this is what we'll continue to do. When really, your SO should be treating you as her equal in the relationship, so if you want privacy now in the bedroom that would be the new rule.
It's so liberating to realise
It's so liberating to realise that I'm they are people who actually understand what I'm going through. Such a breath of fresh air being a part of this community. My only regret is that I didn't find it sooner.
So the worst part for me is an incident not too long ago, when the 24 year old casually walks into our bedroom, because the door is open, see me there and her mom who's just gotten out of the shower and is not dressed. I was fully dressed by then. As if this is as normal as ever, continues to have a conversation with mommy for a good 30mins,while she's busy oiling herself and getting dressed.
I was disgusted beyond belief. So naturally after she left I had a conversation with SO about it. Her reply, they've always been cool like that and she sees nothing wrong with it.
I mean is it me or the way I was raised??
Her reply, they've always
Her reply, they've always been cool like that and she sees nothing wrong with it.
Good for them, however, it is not just their mother's bedroom, it is also yours and your privacy and boundaries need to be respected (by the step kids AND your wife).
They are grown adults and really should know better, even if they've always been cool like that.
Sounds like
Your bedroom and hanky-panky space does double duty as a Womens Locker room. Thats exactly how women in a locker room, when they are comfortable with each other, behave.
Try to get your partner on board with the fact that this is YOUR personal sanctuary space. Discussion after discussion and reinforcement have ot occur.
Not that this should have a bearing on reality but who pays for the home? Who pays the bills? Did you move in with them or they move in with you?
The 24 year old pays like 20%
The 24 year old pays like 20% of the rent and nothing else. The rest is on me, rent and Utilities, groceries, private school for the 18 year old. You'd think this would at least matter, not around here is doesn't.
Then put your foot down. Sit
Then put your foot down. Sit down with your wife and draw up a budget showing how much she should be paying for her and her son and how much her daughter should be paying. Do it mathematically so there can be no logical arguments. If anyone objects then they are free to leave.
I am outraged that you are paying for everything but nobody shows you any respect. Ask them how they'd manage if you moved out ...
PS
Where is their father? You should NOT be paying for your stepson's school! Holy profiteering, Batman! That woman has it made!
Fathers. Remarried and living
Fathers. Remarried and living elsewhere with their families. Girl's father sometimes sends money directly to her, birthdays and such. As for the boy, if he ever bothers, it's like once a year and worth absolutely nothing. It's his last year in school and yes, it's been a financial nightmare trying to balance things. I honestly thought out of the kindness of my heart, I was being a good StepDad. I was wrong!
You were way too kind and got
You were way too kind and got suckered into paying for other men's children. That is scandalous!
So why hasn't she gone after the fathers? Why did she not have their wages garnished? They are supposed to pay regularly, not when they remember birthdays and such.
https://www.lawforall.co.za/family-relationships/parenting/child-mainten...
Most likely because while she
Most likely because while she knows she can, she just doesn't want to. She's got a better deal with this Mr-too-polite SO!
I too got suckered in, at the beginning
I thought since I had no children, and then SO worked so hard, that it was my "duty" to pay for things where I could. Then gradually as I started making more money, I started contributing more, and started treating SD15 backstabber/Munchkin as my own child. Spent money on back to school, spent money on her sundry items, took her out to lunch, bought back to school/winter/holiday clothes so she would have something nice to wear.
Now that I am disengaged, its is way less stressful.
SO, how the heck did she manage to snag you and then get you to pay for everything? Do you two have children together?
So - what we do is we separate finances. DH and I make the same amount of money so its easier. We have a joint account for house, and then we split finances 50/50. Is it possible for you to put your foot down and separate finances, so you are not struggling so much? I am assuming she is working. Is she working? Can she work?
I think you have "financial leverage", to enforce your boundaries. Try to get the financial things more fair on your side. You can tell wife that she will need to contribute more in addition to respecting your personal space boundaries, OR ELSE (and then figure out what the OR ELSE will be)
We don't have any kids
We don't have any kids together. She was working for the first two years of us being together. We've been together for eight years. Then the kids were staying with their grandma, who at the time was basically their caretaker. Then the kids were moved in with us(about years ago, boy was and is still in school, girl had just completed high school and was considering college options) biggest mistake, supposedly only for a holiday. I was totally blindsided.
She got sick and had to have a major surgery done, lost her job and I became the primary care giver and sole provider.
She's fully recovered now and has been for a year or so, perfectly fit and healthy. So yes, she can work is not. Job market is tough, Covid-19, etc the usual excuses.
I've read about disengagement and quite keen on the idea. As for my financial leverage, it's a ready tool that I can definitely utilize. Should that be my first option?
Take a double fisted approach
1. She needs to get a job. Where we are (Calfornia) EVERYONE is looking for workers. She might need to scale back her expectations.
2. You tell her how you are going to pull out of supporting her two children from other man. Tell her the standard step parent manifesto:
- these skids have two parents and you are not one of them
- What is their launch plan? They dont have one? Oh ok, here is their launch plan as dictated by YOU. SD24 has 2 months to move out, get their own place, solely because they cannot respect your requests for them to honor your personal space boundaries of not being in your room. Here in California 18 and graduate highschool is adult. So, then you modify launch plan for SS. That should REALLY shake everyone up. Your household doesnt support adults that do not respect personal boundaries.
Thats a good place to start.
It might not be weird if it's
It might not be weird if it's just them, but you being in there, weirded out, makes it weird. TBH it would probably seem weirder to me if you were cool with it.
It sounds like your wife doesn't want to change anything to accommodate you. She wants the benefits of you living there (sounds from another reply like you pay for 80% of the bills and her daughter pays the other 20%), but she otherwise wants you to just fit into their pre-established lifestyle. You don't have to accept that.
Took the words right out of
Took the words right out of my mouth. Feels very much like leeching.
No
The daughter only pays 20% of the RENT, nothing else, no food, no bills. OP pays ALL the rest.
Good Luck and welcome to Step
Good Luck and welcome to Step talk.
I would have a chat with your wife.