Why isn't she paying for a babysitter? Even if just for the weekends so that you and your wife can enjoy what is supposed to be your child free years together? 

I hope she's at least going after the father for child support. 

I think it's time she sorted her own life out. It is not your problem that she needs childcare so stop providing it. Let her rehome her dogs. She can either find a new job and pay for daycare or she can pay for an overnight and weekend nanny. It's her call. 

Tell your wife it's called tough love... If you keep bailing her out she'll never learn to cope on her own. 

Of course she thinks of no one else, your wife goes along with everything that's asked of her. If she set some limits, SD would have to change her ways. 
 

You do your own thing and let your wife run herself ragged catering to her daughter. 

She was 16 when you first posted so I assume she is now 28.

If that's the case, and your DW has been "running after her" for almost 11 years I'd say enough is enough.

I think you are on a very tough road because your DW is probably so enmeshed in the grandchild's life she will not be able to let go. Add in the guilt that your SD is throwing at her, and it makes it even worse. (OTHER grandmoms do this or that...why can't YOU?!)

We only get so much time on this planet. If your wife chooses to spend hers being an uber-grandma rather than your wife and partner, the only thing you can do is indeed live your own life. Go out and enjoy yourself, come home happy and brag about the fun you had.  

You are not being unreasonable.  Sure, lots of grandparents help out with the grandkids.. but not to the total erasure of their own lives normally.

And.. yeah.. her mom helps her out.. goes to feed the dogs as a favor.  I will be honest, my MIL goes and walks our dog a few days a week...  I mean, he could stay in all day.. but it's nice that she is willing to take him out midday when one of us can't be there (my DH works a rotating shift and I go in the office 3 days a week.. so it's 3 max.. usually less though).  We live next door.. it's not really out of her way.  So, that in itself isn't a huge issue.. but if it's eating into your lives to a great extent? Then I think it's reasonable to set limits on what she can ask for

I guess the small positive point is at least she IS working.. and it's unfortunate that her EX and his family are not able to be part of the solution.

As others have said though... your only real option is to resolve to live YOUR life without these limitations.. which means that if you want to go to the apple orchard this weekend.. and wife is babysitting.. you go alone.  if she resents that, then the answer to her is that while you understand she feels a need to help her daughter and you understand her daughter is not in an ideal situation.. that you don't feel it's fair to your lives to completely put aside your needs to serve the fact that her daughter has not made a good choice in work schedule.

So, sure, if daughter needs assistance once or twice a week.. that might not be unreasonable.. but if she would work a schedule that works with traditional childcare... then the need to have her mom step in at all hours of the day would be greatly reduced.

Why would a single parent who can't look after a child get TWO large dogs

That is an excellent question.  Absolutely refuse to take care of her dogs.  If they need daycare, she can board them.

Wtf, she sounds extremely entitled.

The only point in her favor is that she stopped at one child.  I'm glad she didn't have more.

No, you are not unreasonable.

The situation you describe is one of my worst fears for if SO and i get married. SO has 4 kids. One of his brothers also has 4 kids that SO and other family have had to help with. His other brother has 2 kids he has been unable to properly care for. SO has taken in all of these kids at some point and i am terrified for when they start reproducing and can't take care of their kids. You wait for the kids to grow up and launch, but dysfunction begets dysfunction and the family enablers never stop enabling. 

... about your situation. It sounds dreadful and it's long past time to give this entitled brat the boot in multiple ways.

I do have to take issue with your statement that she got herself pregnant. She may be stupid, ignorant, irresponsible and dumb as a bag of hammers, but she could not have done this without the active participation of an equally stupid, ignorant, irresponsible and dumb-as-a-bag-of-hammers male. One of the ways of giving her the boot must be to insist that she go after him for child support.

GIve DW the boot too if she protests. Life's too short for this nonsense.

smh

Time to up the the ante.  Inform your wife that the two of you are moving.  List the house, and implement the move.  Far enough from your succubus  SD that she can no longer feed on your marriage.

Its clear you and your wife see how to parent an adult child, and by extension, the grandchild very differently.

If your wife's enabling of her daughter (your wife doesn't see it that way), affects your marriage directly, AND your wife won't seek marriage counseling, AND if you see this as a dealbreaker, then your only option is to divorce.

Your wife has the right to parent her daughter and grandchild as she sees fit.  Clearly she's willing to do so at the expense of her marriage.   

You can't force anyone to do anything.    

You also have the right to want certain expectations met that relate to your marriage. 

You've dealt with this for 11 years...clearly your wife doesn't take your needs seriously because she know's your not going anywhere.   

The problem with overdoing for our adult kids is that they never learn to do for themselves. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm watching someone go through the same. They've raised adult children they always have to do for. Babysitting a toddler 4 days a week full time at age 70? Paying for house repairs, car repairs, extras. And in return? a tired grandma, an angry grandpa who didn't know this is what they'd be spending their retirement doing, and an adult who cannot adult. It's the mess they've made. 

Your wife is making her's but you know what? you can do you. Join a book/biking/hiking/gardening/sports team lovin' club. Take a class, go pick apples, go to museums, whatever your thing is, do it. Hopefully your wife will see you doing these things and want to join you. But if she doesn't, at least you did. 

Being unreasonable.

You are completely spot on, as the other comments can attest to.

You have experienced a nice life with your mate when she had a "break" from her enabling of her daughter.

Whats next up is the enabled enmeshed gradkiddo. So it will never end.

Take others suggestions and do your own thing. Try letting go of any resentment, as I am currently trying to do, and move forward...

The older I get I don't want to live with any crap. You are not the family servant, so you go do whatever it is you want.

The dogs are innocent and didn't ask for this. Please make sure they are not taken to a kill shelter.

Do you! Enjoy. Be happy, even if it means leaving.

You're a prince for putting up with this for almost a DECADE. That's time you can NEVER get back. Every moment is one that can't be relived. Let that penetrate the crevices of your brain. NEVER. The journey of life is short, and to be enjoyed. Fix that.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but it sounds like your wife likes to feel "useful" which is why she continues to enable her daughter. 

I was married for a long time before my husband passed away a few years ago. Currently, I have almost nothing to do with the skids. You would think I felt sad, but I feel nothing but relief.

My skids were all in their 40s and still on "economic outpatient care" which seems to be a theme with a lot of second marriages. Parents feel guilt, because of divorce, whatever happened in first marriage and over compensate as kids are no longer kids but adults. This could be doing things that they could be doing themselves or giving them money (bailing them out). It used to cause a lot of fights and stress in my marriage because I could not understand a 45 year old adult whining to dad about money problems and dad caving in.

Bottom line is this, you have to have boundaries and if your wife continues to enable no matter how much you argue about it, it is not going to change. You can either accept this and start to carve a life for yourself if you want to be together, or you can divorce. I opted to stick it out but it did come with a lot of sadness and sacrifice, which in hindsight, I am not sure I would have done again. I had to separate our accounts, let him do what he wants with his stupid kids that worked him over like a cheap fiddle lol, I saved, invested, had nice dinners with friends.

Not sure that is the best advice, it's all I got. Hang in there!