Advice needed. Am I being selfish?
I wanted to ask for an outside opinion. Thank you in advance for answering.
I have been feeling resentful and disengaged lately but my mindset lately has been: I'll do the things involving SS 6 that I WANT to do or don't mind doing but I will not do the things that I dislike or hate doing. My mindset is basically; this is not my kid, I didn't ask to have him, create him etc. I treat him well, am nice, get him surprises, buy him things, fix some of his meals, wash his clothes, help with hw.
Thing I hate doing- picking up from school. I just want to know if it's selfish of me towards DH. His work is half the distance to the pick up location BUT leaving from work would add 20 mins to his journey home therefore he will get home 20 mins later. I am off work by the time he needs to be picked up and relaxing at home. It would take me 40 mins to go back out and pick him up.
am I selfish for refusing to go pick him up? DH mindset is that I'm already off work and relaxing/picking him up would add time to my DH getting home but my mindset is I am already home and do not want to go back out again.
Hopefully I explained it correctly. Thank you for your opinions!
Your DH needs to change his
Your DH needs to change his mindset and think "I am responsible for the child I created, it's my responsibility to drop off and pick my child up from school." I'm sure if there was an emergency and your DH couldn't make it you would be willing to help, but on the daily nope, his kid his responsibility.
This is my mindset. I just
This is my mindset. I just have to stop and wonder sometimes if I am being helpful enough for DH (taking the benefits for SS out of the picture). I love my DH and like to make his life easier since he is my husband. But, I do not want to grow resentful either. It's a fine line balancing these things I guess!
Only give what you are comfortable giving
Some people have a rule to never loan money or let someone borrow something that they cannot live without.
To me, it's the same with favors. Don't expect people to acknowledge or appreciate the kind things you do for them. They might, or they might not. With that in mind, only do things you won't resent later and won't make you feel you've been taken advantage of. So, pick up SS if you want to, or don't if you don't want to. Because ultimately, anything you do for skid is a favor.
Thank you. Very insightful. I
Thank you. Very insightful. I definitely resent even being asked to do this so I will continue to not do it. Lol
you wish to make DH's life
you wish to make DH's life easier,, but how does he consider you and your life?
Compromise
I fully appreciate the internal struggle you have here. It's about self integrity and meeting the needs of your husband and family commitments. Being open and honest with your husband is the first step and be clear as to your needs as well as his. It's important not to become angry (believe me I have) and resentful but rather empowered. Maybe there is a compromise of one or 2 days a week or some other arrangement. Or as others have said it becomes his deal. The unintended outcome would be that his son gets to spend quality car time and talk with dad..and that is really valuable. It sends a strong message to his son that he is important and valued by dad..and gives you much needed time to self.
How does the kid get to
How does the kid get to school in the first place? Is there a bus? Public transport? Does he have a bike?
I mean, it's 20 minutes of
I mean, it's 20 minutes of his time for his own child vs 40 minutes for you round trip and giving up your free time (that you are probably using to buy groceries for the house or something..lol). and it's not your kid.
I think it's fine if you are asked to step in very very occasionally but you shouldn't be the go to for this task.
He's the selfish one. It's
He's the selfish one. It's not your kid and he should be grateful and thankful for what you choose to do to help him with SS, instead of expecting you to take on his responsibilities. If he doesn't want to parent, he should decrease his custody time.
You are NOT selfish
I done all of that for my skids & it wasn't appreciated at all now years later I regret not disengaging sooner. I have 3 ss 13 17 & 20. I disengaged 2 years ago when I caught the eldest kicking my dog (makes me wonder how many times that I didn't see) The 20 year old is now banned from sleeping under my roof for causing so many problems over the last few years. I didn't feel safe in my own bed knowing he was creeping around the house. He's done so many negative things that our relationship is beyond repair I can't stand him. I was a softy over the years but something just snapped in me & I took my power back.
All I can tell you is the more you do the more you will be expected to do. Your husband should be doing the runs not you!
Not selfish at all.
Not selfish at all.
Let DH schlep his kid back and forth to school. Make it your habbit to change into flop togs as soon as you walk in the door from work. If you are in comfortable sleep wear, there will be no leaving to go get the Skid.
Adjust your routine to make yourself unavailable.
Good luck.
Nope
Dont budge on this one. YOU do you and HE needs to take care of his kiddo.
DH tried that once after school-gate and I simply laughed and said "Oh I was fired from that job - remember?"
Stand your ground
Definitely not your responsibility. You're doing the right thing before you resent your DH. if he doesn't like it then he can find someone else to do pick ups and drop offs.