Using kids to perpetuate abusive behavior
Most of my relationship with DH I've questioned if BM was alienating SD or if SDs reaction to DH and myself was just a natural response to the situation. Over the past year it's become glaringly obvious that yes, it was alienation and it sounds like it started before DH even left BM (only BM knew the correct way to handle SD and criticized anything DH did, SD only ever wanted BM, etc).
You know what it feels like to me when SD is around? It feels like it did with my abusive ex (ODS father). The expectation is absolute perfection, and even if you somehow achieve that in an area, they'll make up a reason that you're wrong/bad. The constant nit-picking and having to walk on eggshells. AND THE HYPOCRISY. None of the rules apply to them. Only they and their feelings matter.
I've come to realize that DHs responses to both BM and DH appear to be trauma responses. Usually either freeze or fawn. Sometimes fight with BM.
When the ex uses kids to perpetuate abuse it's nearly impossible to get away from. I've been witnessing the above behaviors from SD pretty much since I met her, although I did not realize at the time what they were. The first time she came over to my house, at 4 years old, she stood in the entryway and stuck up her nose in the air and refused to walk inside because "it looked like the floor might be dirty." I had literally JUST steamwashed it. And what 4 year old worries about things like that?! She's pretty much still doing the same thing now, with her ridiculous list of reasons that she doesn't want to come over to our house.
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Yes, I had this realization
Yes, I had this realization too, that BM was abusing DH through SS. The only way out is for DH to not allow SD to abuse him or you. So he has to get control of his trauma response to all of this so he can protect both of you.
Hopefully her not being here
Hopefully her not being here as often is helping with that.
You are not wrong.
You are not wrong.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pI3MfThrZoU
Wow that video is incredibly
Wow that video is incredibly accurate. I know I'm not her parent, but she's the same way toward me (and I think most people actually). Incredibly arrogant and judgmental.
I agree 110%.
I agree 110%.
I have come to realize how much baggage DH and I both have from our previous relationships and how that has changed the way we live and how we handle SS16. It is really sick that it never ends. I am really looking forward to him turning 18 and Dh being able to absolve himself of this fear of abandoning his child and move on with our lives. If SS wants to be a part of our lives, he is welcome, but the rest can be over.
We are there now, and it's
We are there now finally, and it's awesome. But only if your DH can truly let go and not keep trying to fix the relationship.
Meth Mouth used to do this
Meth Mouth used to do this with Spawn, she would undermine DH while they were together and ensure that Spawn never saw DH in a good light. Example: DH was in the running to win a prize and Meth Mouth made sure to tell Spawn he was going to win it for her. DH lost and Meth Mouth then told Spawn "see daddy doesn't care about you, if he did he would have worked harder to win you that prize!" So really DH never had a chance with Spawn.
Stuff like this is why so
Stuff like this is why so many of the kids with parents on this site are going to have failed marriages/relationships.
If ____ really loved you then he/she would ______ for you.
This isn't things like: Talk to you, or be there for you. It's not if your parents love you, they make sure you have structure and boundaries.
It is pre-setting them up for a lifetime of entitlement in their relationships. They need a 4ct. diamond if their BF really loved them. They need a vacation every year to some place exotic. They will always be the only thing their SO thinks about- HOW DARE they chase their own goals! COD's don't have time to actually give someone (other than BM) support!
I just see disaster everywhere I look.
Oh I'm sure this is true too.
Oh I'm sure this is true too. SD told SIL she thinks that DH and I aren't a very good couple because we argue sometimes (ahem, mostly when she is there). She already thinks due to BMs string of failed relationships that an argument means the end. So she'll be expecting a partner who never argues with her, gives her everything she wants and more AND puts up with her meanness. Good luck.
If SD thinks you have a bad
If SD thinks you have a bad relationship it's likely because BM told her so.
You know, because the failure of their relationship couldn't have been because BM was defective in some way, it had to be because DH is a loser.
She also said I'm controlling
She also said I'm controlling DH, which was DEFINITELY told to her by someone else. And SIL told her that she was likely right in that assumption.
Totally agree and Spawn is
Totally agree and Spawn is unable to have actual committed relationships because she's looking for the materialistic. Most of the guys she's dated are emotionally unstable, have children and are the equivalent of a f@ck boy. Then she cries all over social media when they cheat on her, let her down, and don't propose after two months
Insaaaane.
Insaaaane.
Same here. BM used to go on
Same here. BM used to go on tiraids about SDs feelings and how DH needed to "appreciate her and not take her for granted." After these SD would show up perfectly fine. BM was just angry at DH and used SD as a proxy for her feelings.
Over time SD began to parrot BM and give my DH her same complaints. It was as if BM gave SD a list of things to complain and worry about each time she visited. Always things beyond what a kid her age would care about and it caused SD so much anxiety.
Later still the alienation was complet and my DH said SD was just like BM and he felt bad for her future boyfriends. SD would show up ready to disapprove of everything. She acted as though she was slumming it to stay with us and would ask if we were poor to try to bait my DH into taking her out to eat or buy stuff to prove to her he wasn't poor.
Yep, BM digs for any little
Yep, BM digs for any little thing to complain about and SIL tells SD that we're mean to her for having her do chores (among other things). Teaching her to think being parented is being mistreated.
It's interesting too that her reasons are different every time she's asked about it also. And somes of the complaints are so exaggerated or vague or ridiculous.