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Out of control

Ashmarie83's picture

Submitted by Ashmarie83 on Tue, 09/07/2021 - 1:12pm

My bf and I have been together for over a year and recently moved in together. I have 3 daughters 19, 17, and 8 and he has 1 son 9. My girls are actually pretty good kids. My older girls are rarely home and my youngest has some health issues but is very well behaved. I've always pushed discipline and respect on my girls. They know better than to ever tell me NO or You're not my boss. But my bf's son... not so much. I understand all kids are different and boys are different than girls however, I do not and will not tolerate disrespect. His son is 9 and over 200 lbs. To me this is not okay. For one his health is needs to be a priority. He wants to eat all the time. And to keep him from throwing a tantrum (literally throws himself to the ground kicking and screaming or will throw whatever he can get his hands on) his dad will feed him whatever he wants to shut him up. Not only this but he has so much guilt from not being a full time dad that he lets the boy tell him he doesn't have to listen bc he wasn't a dad to him for 5 years. I've tried to talk to my bf and his son together but neither will listen to me. I don't allow my kids to act this way and I don't want them thinking it's acceptable behavior. I'm starting to get extremely anxious when weekends get close and I know he's going to bring him to the house. I start to get panic attacks and break out in hives. My blood pressure has been through the roof. I don't know what to do. Just needing some blunt advice. I love them both but I can't keep going on like this 

Comments

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 09/07/2021 - 1:23pm

I can do that.

Throw this one back, he isnt worth it. Trust me.

And you will get this advice from others...repeatedly. Us steppers have been around the ring many many times and have read it all:

"hes the most amazing man! Its just when it comes to his kid"

"Ive never been loved by anyone like Im loved by HIM"

"Im stuck because Im now pregnant"

YEP. This will NOT get better because your BF is failing as a parent. This will in fact get WORSE.

Im sorry to say this, but cut out while you still can. You dont want your kiddo to be affected by this person and his spawn.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Tue, 09/07/2021 - 1:30pm

"I love them both but I can't keep going on like this."

SS doesn't sound very lovable. Or even tolerable. Nobody would blame you for not wanting to live with that for 9+ more years. That behavior sounds deeply ingrained and unlikely to change. 

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Tue, 09/07/2021 - 1:45pm

Yes, it is 9 + more years. Note the +. The odds are that this kid is not going to be on his own at eighteen or after high school graduation.

superlado's picture

Submitted by superlado on Tue, 09/07/2021 - 1:42pm

I've been a step mom almost 12 years. It only gets worse as this kid reaches puberty. Save your sanity and that of your own children. None of you deserve this life. Go be happy with your girls. Find a man who actually parents or one with no kids.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Tue, 09/07/2021 - 2:29pm

Different poster, but I thought the same at first with the username.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 09/07/2021 - 2:29pm

sorry.. your user name is really similar to another poster we have on the board.. very so I thought you were her... 

my advice is don't proceed with this relationship when there is a huge issue with his parenting and the child.  Just hold off and see how he improves parenting.. or doesn't and then find someone who is a better parent. or not a parent at all.. lol.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 09/07/2021 - 2:45pm

There is no shame in admitting you made a mistake. He and the boy need to move out until he can parent effectively. He's neglect his son's needs for parenting because he's afraid of losing him. That's a hard dynamic to change. 

Lifer33's picture

Submitted by Lifer33 on Wed, 09/08/2021 - 5:30am

He's an awful parent to that boy. I don't know where you are, but here in the UK letting the boy get that big could have the social at your door re neglect  Sad you've tried to talk to them and it's not your circus anymore. 

Protect what you and your girls have as he's only going to get bigger stronger and more out of control 

 

Ashmarie83's picture

Submitted by Ashmarie83 on Fri, 09/10/2021 - 12:32pm

First off thank you all for the advice! I truly appreciate it. Second, I actually sat him down and had him read my post and the replies. We have both agreed to go to parent counseling together. I feel that I need to go and try and support him and maybe I'll learn some things to make me a better mom to my children as well as a step mom to his son. I DEFINITELY need to learn patience with his boy. I did tell him that if things don't change and start to get better then we will be going our separate ways. I talked to my kids about the situation and they said they support my decision to try. I know it's not going to be easy bc he is the worst at parenting out of guilt and not wanting his son to hate him. But I told him if your kid hates you at times it means you're doing your job as a parent. Fingers crossed that this will help him bc if not I've only gave him 45 days to show improvement or he's gotta go