Our relationship will never achieve something so big like this.

That is just not true. No, you aren't going to have a kid together, but that is not what makes a relationship special.

I am childless, by choice. But my DH's experience of being with me is better than either of his experiences with his first two wives. They each gave him a kid, big deal, I make him happy. He does not feel a bond with either one of them just because of his daughters.

Having a kid is not the be-all, end-all experience in a relationship. Literally, an egg met up with a sperm, it happens everyday.

I am my husband's third wife, technically, but he will tell you that as far as he is concerned, I am the number one wife. We have been together longer than the other two put together and he lives a life with me, emotionally and spiritually, that he didn't have with them and never would have, kids or not.

He loves his daughters and he feels that his time with their mothers helped make him who he is, so he does not regret those relationships, but they are certainly not more special to him than ours simply because those women birthed his daughters.

my partner has this enormous experience what is probably the biggest and the most important thing in his life. The problem for me is that he has experienced this with someone who isn’t me.

That may have been the biggest and most important thing that happened in his relationship with the child's mother, but it will be some other experience that the two of you share, and it will be no less important.

Having this experience with his ex didn't keep them together, did it?

First, procreation is a biological function. Nothing more.  Any two opposite gender mammals, reptiles ,amphibians, fish, invertebrates, etc... with functioning gonads can procreate.

You and your SO will have any number of incredible experiences together that will be accomplished with far higher level functions than squirting a sperm at an egg.  You will have careers, make a life together, travel, attend concerts, visit museums, etc, etc, etc... While his failed family zygote will do what zygotes do. It will grow up. Nothing more than a continuation of the initial mindless basic biological process that got the whole parental ball rolling for DH, his X, and created their failed family breeding experience.

Not so special when you break it down to the basics is it?

Now, as SD's SM you will have a major impact on her life.  Not because you have to, not because you perpetrated the basic sperm squirting/egg targeting process that resulted in her existence, but because you choose to have a major impact on her life.  I met my incredible bride when our son (my SS-29) was 15mos old.  We married the week before he turned 2yo.  I have raised him as my own.  He acts like me, thinks like me, talks like me, has a sense of humor much like me, is succeeding in life much like his mom and I are, etc, etc, etc.... We are very proud of him.

That said, he is not the peak of our life's accomplishments. He certainly shared in a number of them when we were raising him. But we have gone on to so much more after we became empty nesters.  We have traveled the world, lived in a number of countries, continued to grow two highly successful careers, we yearn to be together when we are apart, and in all likelihood we have another two or maybe and hopefully three + decades to do incredible things together. And no doubt we will remain proud of the "kid". I raised him as my own, he asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. My happiest and most proud day... so far. But... there is so much more to come.

Yes, kids, at least the well raised models, can be special. But they are not the be all and end all of life. Not even the phase of life when they are in our lives as young children. Do not discount your place as your DH's equity life partner because of some basic biological secretion episode with a poor choice of partners that your DH made an ever increasing number of years ago. You get to be your DH's mate, help raise SD, and you will not have the stretch marks, sagging breasts, etc..... that BM will likely deal with. You can proudly participate in raising SD while not having physically participated in her mere existence.

Do not sabotage yourself or your relationship over an insignificant biological event. How you influence the product of that event is far more important than the act that initiated the opportunity you have to impact her ever expanding little life.

IMHO of course.

Have fun!

I dont know what to say about that or if its true in all cases. Some parents will always value, love and respect more the kid then the partner. Or at least you just feel like that. Its not even about the ex. Its about the children. You feel like second class citezen no matter how you put it, in some cases of course.

I would not have married my husband if I didn't want kids. I have never had feelings of being an outsider because I have kids with him. 

To me, it depends on your partner. Some partners put the kids ahead of the spouse even in an intact family. That can often be the reason that family failed. The bioparent then continues the cycle in subsequent relationships. Watch out for phrases like "kids always come first!" Some people also will put themselves first, and, if that is taken too far, as i do think self-care is important, will also cause their marriage and subsequent relationships to fail. 

Some people, though, will put their spouse first (or second to God if religious, since some churches preach 1) God 2) Spouse 3) Kids 4) Self.) Those marriages have a higher chance of lasting, so people like that aren't as likely to be dating with a prior marriage and kids.

I think some people can learn from their prior mistakes and be a good partner despite having baggage, too. You, as your DH's spouse, should never have your needs and wants put second to a child's wants or even an ex's wants or needs. And if your needs are always second to your partner's wants, that is also a problem. It's down to priorities. 

@Rumplestiltskin 

Yep very good imput. 

But, unfortunately to some people no matter how you put it and how many explanations or motivations you bring they're just set to fail. 

Oh, the frustration.

Just for clarity...why do these people get defensive and pissed when faced with this side of things and their own bullshit? Defense mechanism, oblivious, manipulation? 

From my experience dating a single dad, the single dad, even if he doesn't love his ex anymore will always have a place in their heart for the ex because of the, 'that's the mother of my child' type of logic. Even if the guy hates her, he will always have that level of respect and reverence for her. And THAT, was something I couldn't hang with. 

For some reason the society we live in places a lot of value on children, family and the formation of both. Which is why these fathers feel the way they do for their exs. 

I always felt because I didn't have a kid with my ex or a kid period that I wasn't held in the high regard she was despite the fact that unlike her, I don't live with my mother, I'm not basically unemployed, and can't even provide a bed for my child. But hey, I guess allowing your body to do something it does naturally earns you extra points in this world even if you're not a good parent and probably shouldn't have had kids in the first place. 

That was one of the many reasons I couldn't stay with my ex. I'm a hard working RN with a good head on her shoulders, I'm independent, loving and a productive member of society. I couldn't take a position in someone's life where all of that made me a secondary citizen to someone who wasn't half the person I am just because she birthed his child. 

Everyone has a past that they bring to their relationship.  I for one would not change a thing.  My past and my bride's past are part of  what makes each of us the person the other loves.

Having kids is not the big thing, it's having a healthy and loving relationship that is. My DH had very little bond with the mother of his kids (long story) so my feelings of insecurity about that were fleeting. I did used to feel like a fraud a lot though (as the step-mother) ie doing the mother role when the skids were in our care but not actually being the mother. Especially when I had to interact with other parents and I knew a lot of the other mothers of the skids friends were judging me (a lot because of the lies BM told) but also because I took my skids on when they were both in nappies so there were a lot of assumptions about me being the other woman.

Luckily, I've never cared what others think of me - especially those who will judge me based on limited (or one-sided information). 

However, the one thing that did really, really bother me was how sad I felt that when we had a child together (11 years after getting together) that the excitment of it being our first was only something I felt. This wasn't a new experience fo DH and I felt alone a lot of the pregnancy to be honest as we were in different places about how we felt about it. However, fast forward yp mpe and DH is madly in love with our DS3 and we bond every day over our shared love for him so it turned out well in the end. 

Being a step-parent is often a very isolating role but it's up to your DH to make sure you're included as part of your beautiful blended family. 

Having bio children together is not the only thing that creates a big important bond. Doing "life" together does that - overcoming adversities, undertakings adventures.

I am child free by choice, but co-parenting my husband's daughter that has been living with us since she was 1.5 yrs old (now 13) . We did more co-parenting with him than his ex wife 

You're definitely not alone. I've been with my SO for 1.5 years (living together for almost 1) and I have been struggling with these feelings a lot lately. I don't resent my SK, but I resent the fact that I will never be able to give my SO this kind of love (I can't have children) and that I wasn't part of giving him this child he gushes about constantly. It's hurtful, and the knife feels like it's being twisted deeper each time I hear him just gush about SK and how lucky he is to have such an incredible amazing gift in his life. (let me be clear, I LOVE that my SO is such an awesome loving Dad who adores his kid, but it's not our kid and it hurts). Even if I were able to give him a child, I think I would struggle that we wouldn't be having all those 'firsts' together. I very often feel like an outsider and less than.

The wife has a child with her ex, but doesn't want one with me!!!

• Is she hoping they get back together?
• Does the separation between her and her brother, makes her not want another child?
• I have been a Dad to hers since he was in 1st grade...he's 13 now.
• Is a divorce necessary.

I am childish by choice..... Never wanted kids of my own, DH didn't want anymore, that old chestnut. 

When we first got together this idea bothered me to the core as well - some days when I look at the oldest skid i still get a twinge of it because him and biomom who's a nightmare are the same person... but the thing that gives me solace is even though they have kids together, they NEVER had the trust, care, love, respect etc in their relationship. She lied, she cheated (while pregnant I might add), emotionally abused him, the works. Even now the relationship she has with her new partner is completely dysfunctional. So I realized to have this feeling of disappointment of not having shared this "big moment" is delusional because there is so much that's more important. Movies and hallmark put this pressure on us that this is what we're supposed to do and that it's the biggest moment of life but screw that. They don't show the moms who wanted kids and realized after the fact that they should have thought twice. Or the babies born out of bad relationships. And they also don't highlight that it is PERFECTLY OK to not want kids. In fact, could argue it makes you stronger for keeping your own and not feeling bullied into something you don't want because that also happens... especially when families get involved.