Currently separating myself from “family time”
I'm currently sitting outside on the front porch by myself while my husband, two kiddos, and visiting SD are inside singing and dancing after dinner. I feel so bad saying this, but I hate being together as a "family." I know my DH gets such a thrill from having all his kids together, and I'm sure he thinks these temporary happy moments is what it would be like if she were here full-time (something he's recently brought up as a dear wish of his). She is usually on her phone every waking second unless we are eating or DH has her doing some chores...which he will ALWAYS reward her with a Roblox gift card. I get giving one to her maybe every week, but literally like every other day is too much and for what? She's staying here and I personally don't believe in the paying to help with chores because if I pay you, then that means the job is optional.
Anyway, this place is the only place I get any consolation in. My husband and I just got over a fight recently because I expressed that I would "suck it up and be miserable" if SD came to live with us full time. He has no idea what it feels like to be in my position.
Thank you for letting me vent.
I get what you mean. When
I get what you mean. When kids are only there for a limited time and they know they can get spoiled with good behavior both the kid and the parent starts to think it can always be like that.
It's hard to watch because from the outside you see what a farce it is. My DH does the same thing and he and SD act like they are close but the reality is they aren't. They don't talk daily, they don't know about each other's daily lives. When SD is here it's like a special occasion or a vacation. It's not real. My DH used to say he didn't know how BM had such a hard time with preteen SD, she was always perfectly sweet to him. Well yeah, it's easy to be on good behavior every other weekend if you know you're going to get everything you want. It's all sunshine until he has to do real parenting and, god forbid, say no.
It would be hard for me to watch too, it's playing happy family, it's not real. Whatever, let them make some happy memories, but his is so mistaken if he thinks it would be like that if she was with you all the time.
Yes, exactly. The only things
Yes, exactly. The only things SD seems to enjoy is being on her phone and shopping. I let DH know today that I would stop trying to take her out with me and my two toddler boys because 1. She probably doesn't enjoy it, 2. The only things she likes to do other than her phone will cost substantial money and is not sustainable, and 3. It is forced time amongst all of us.
Hate to say it, but if she were my own child, I'd probably be a lot more understanding of her "interests", but she's not and it makes it hard to not look at her and just see her as a potential money suck.
I totally agree. DHs
I totally agree. DHs relationship with SD11 is very surface level. The don't hold meaningful conversations. SD only talks when she wants something... Can we go shopping? Can you buy me ___ from the grocery store? Can you give me a ride to ____? DH doesn't see that she only uses him.
For example, she called him yesterday asking to come to our house and wanting him to pick her up. DH got SO excited and basically dropped everything to go get her. Well, DUH, BM just grounded her the day before and took her cell phone away. SD knew DH would give it back to her the second she got to our house. It's not that SD wants to spend time with DH, she wants her phone back. I guess it's a hard pill for DH to swallow, but he is totally blind sometimes.
yes i feel your pain ,, my DH
yes i feel your pain ,, my DH would be the same,, he would literally force 'family time' on me and it was horrible. it was always only about the young SS14 who was spoilt rotten by him , BM and the grandparents. DH thrived off this thinking it was wonderful , when really it was all about the brat and the two eldest boys were always overshadowed. DH wanted the brat to come live full time but it never happened as i had them move out of my house because the brat was malicisious toward me and my son
"Family time" hurts my heart
"Family time" hurts my heart and makes me cringe. I'm trying to follow your story--so are you and DH no longer living together?
yes we no longer live
yes we no longer live together as his youngest boy started to become quite vindictive and malicious to me. It was all about the attention for this kid,,, all the attention had to be 100% on him and he would become very sly and vindictive when it wasnt. If i went out for dinner with DH and the skid wasnt invited along,, when i returned home there would be slash marks across my stainlees steel fridge. Another time the skid keyed the whole side of my car because of his dislike of me being around. Ensure your husband doesnt force any of that 'family time' on you as it will juts back fire down the track
When YSD is here I remove
When YSD is here I remove myself a lot. I like the front deck and I don't have to cook or interact if I don't want to. Leave them to it. Learn to enjoy your time. I don't get much of it myself so I try to enjoy it. I hate forced interaction and YSD clams up around me so be it.
Me too!!!
I have not had the "pleasure" - big Ha ha! Of having to attend "family time" w/ DH's lovely spawn, but when I do, I plan to "be cordial" and tune out into my safe world wherever that may be - like you.. the porch, patio ... anywhere but the flames of SD.
Have you met SD yet? I
Have you met SD yet? I understand the feelings of not wanting to spend "family time" together for sure. There's a part of me that wants to try my best for my husband but also it just kills me inside.
Many times … yes
I'm currently separating myself from her by choice. I would rather not do so, but she was taking up too much space in my life.
This is so true. I think from
This is so true. I think from a maternal aspect, I feel an obligation or "mom guilt" if I'm not constantly present, but that's not good even for my biological children. And yes, it's just awkward and uncomfortable when we are around each other, so why force it right?
Definitely don’t force it
Or.. you will just end up being disappointed. My skids never genuinely took an interest in me so I pulled back, back, back... I could have spoken up, said "hey! I feel left out" but, the best I can do for myself is not take things personally and enjoy the "opportunity" I have to do my own thing or put on my headphones and tune out.
I know exactly what you mean.
I know exactly what you mean. I'm the same, I find things I want to do for the day regardless if DH forces me to be there. I simply state they are there for him not for me and to enjoy. When I come back he seems frustrated and annoyed and I go in my room and relax lol
I was the fulltime CSP in our
I was the fulltime CSP in our blended family adventure though SS is an only child in our marriage though he is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock spawn in the SpermIdiot branch of the SpermClan.
So... I raised him as my own from the time he was 2yo. He benefited from a strong marriage between his mom and I. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.
If we had been the NCP household and had children of our own, I would absolutely likely have the same perspective that you have as a SParent.
Take care of you.