You are here

Watching stepdaughter while husband is away

Theonlythingconstantischange's picture

Submitted by Theonlythingcon... on Thu, 07/29/2021 - 3:58pm

My husband has a family commitment that involves traveling by car for 10 hours.  I have a bad back and can't go.  He's totally understanding of that.  It's his weekend with his daughter and she doesn't want to go and he doesn't want her there.  He expects me to watch her.  He says he doesn't have a choice when we does.  I am not her parent.  She has mental health issues, anger issues and oppositional defiant disorder. She doesn't want him to parent her nevertheless me.  I've already told my husband that I am not comfortable watching her, this has happened twice before so I feel like precedent has been set but I don't want it to keep happening.  My fear is he will hust take off and she will appear on my doorstep.  Help!

Comments

shellpell's picture

Submitted by shellpell on Thu, 07/29/2021 - 4:11pm

He has no respect for you. You have no obligation to watch his KID WITH SOMEONE ELSE. 

Theonlythingconstantischange's picture

Submitted by Theonlythingcon... on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 9:03am

He is overwhelmed with her issues and at times in denial of severity.  He expects me to do it all, save her thus saving him.  He needs a break and he really sees no other options.  Her bio mom has mental health and substance abuse issues.  They have joint custody but stepdaughter is with us most of the time.  Thank you for responding.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 07/29/2021 - 4:35pm

It's my understandiing that the Noncustodial Parent does not have to exercise their visitation right.. they have the right.. but they can refuse the visitation if they want without penalty.

I would flat out tell him you will not be responsible and that is non-negotiable.

Theonlythingconstantischange's picture

Submitted by Theonlythingcon... on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 9:08am

They have joint custody.  Neither bio parent wants her that weekend.  Thank you for responding.

Theonlythingconstantischange's picture

Submitted by Theonlythingcon... on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 9:08am

They have joint custody.  Neither bio parent wants her that weekend.  Thank you for responding.

Theonlythingconstantischange's picture

Submitted by Theonlythingcon... on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 9:12am

She has plans.  I don't know how much my husband and her discussed coverage, my guess is not at all.  He feels the less time she spends with bio mom the better.  Bio mom has mental health issues and a substance abuse problem (documented) so I get where he's coming from but she's his responsibility not mine.  Thank you for responding.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 9:20am

Regardless of what he "feels" is best, she is her mother and you are not. I'd be pretty pissed (understatement - I'd be spitting feathers) if I were you, knowing that neither of her parents want to look after her and that they put their heads together and decided that you would fit the bill without even asking your opinion. 

Tell him, that it will be a great bonding experience for them if she goes on his trip with him. If he tries to wriggle out of that, ask him why he hates his daughter ... 

Theonlythingconstantischange's picture

Submitted by Theonlythingcon... on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 7:18pm

I completely agree and like suggesting he use this trip as a way to bond with his daughter.  Thank you for responding.

Theonlythingconstantischange's picture

Submitted by Theonlythingcon... on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 9:13am

Thank you for responding, short and 'sweet' and very much to the point.

AliceInJam's picture

Submitted by AliceInJam on Thu, 07/29/2021 - 7:44pm

He does have a choice. The word is no. She's not your kid, and you literally don't have to do this unless you want to. Stay strong! 

Theonlythingconstantischange's picture

Submitted by Theonlythingcon... on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 9:14am

Thank you for responding.  There was a time I did it because I felt bad for him and for her.  However, I don't have the communication, support, respect and gratitude from him that I need.

Esperanza's picture

Submitted by Esperanza on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 12:02am

Oh my god, what an @ss.

Tell him clearly that you are not watching his kid, make plans and be out of the house at the time of drop off. She arrives and none is there ? Not your problem.

Theonlythingconstantischange's picture

Submitted by Theonlythingcon... on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 9:16am

Knowing him, he'd give her the code to get into the house, and then that opens the door to even more problems.  Thank you for responding.

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 11:19am

If they have joint custody and it's his weekend, HE is responsible for finding appropriate care, it's not bm's problem.  Childcare for his children on his custody time is HIS to worry about.  If he were NCP w/visitation I can see him just declining it, but not with joint.  In this case he can/shoudl I expect ask his surrounding family/support system to watch her.  Does he do this often?  If he doesn't, I would help out as we all contribute in different ways in a marriage-especially if it's a family emergency/need and it's not all the time.  

If he abuses it and this happens all the time, and he doesn't do his part of contribution in home (work, yard, chores, etc) then it's different.  

Theonlythingconstantischange's picture

Submitted by Theonlythingcon... on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 7:25pm

I totally agree.  1st time he was away was a planned trip and I offered thinking I could help her with her eating.  2nd time was a family emergency and he didn't give me a choice.  This time it's planned and he's not giving me a choice.  He does a lot around the house but I do feel the way he is going about this is wrong.  Thank you for responding.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 07/30/2021 - 4:02pm

I echo Gimlet's comment.

So what if she doesn't want to go and he doesn't want her there? She is his responsibility, not yours, and you don't want her with you, either. And, as the non-parent, yours is the want that matters.

superlado's picture

Submitted by superlado on Sat, 07/31/2021 - 1:03am

I would say you shouldn't be treated like the help if the child didn't have these severe issues.  But with all this child has going on, no way.  What a liability for you; I'd be terribly anxious. 
 

eithet he takes her or makes childcare arrangements.  His child ; his problem.  Your husband sucks.  I'd consider this divorce worthy.