Our HCBM has been working to destroy her relationships with the SKIDS since they were little.  SS16 chose to move in with us and we fought for 2.5 years for him to be able to.  He needed to get away from BM and her toxicity.  Since moving in with us, his grades are up, he's chosen a career field (for education, at least), he's got a job, etc.  Objectively, he's really doing well, but he is *done* with BM's BS.

SS11 is catching up, as well.  He recognized last year that HCBM wasn't doing anything for him and has been getting increasingly frustrated with her.  Then, a couple weeks ago, she dumped him off in a behavioral health facility after yet another fight with him.  He's now desperate to join his brother with us.  HCBM is still trying to be in control, but she does nothing with it other than manage SS's physical location--so that it's as far as possible from Dad.  We will be requesting a change to custody so that hopefully we can help SS11 the way he needs to be helped--not warehoused as a behavior/mental health case.

As long as the kids are "on board" with the program in your home, it can be OK. It has HUGELY helped interactions for us.  It's far from ideal, mind you, but it's better than it has been.

Our BM was a fiercely protective mother when the kids were young.  As teenagers, not so much.  OSS came to live with us at 13, he wasnt a behavior problem, it was more a case of wanting and needing to be with dad.  SD was the behavior problem.  After numerous fights between BM and SD, culminating in a runaway, SD was suddenly living with us, spreading her disruption and chaos.  YSS followed 6 months later.

BM took the opportunity to free up her life and move ahead with her new BF by offloading the 3 kids as they became teenagers.  I never dreamed it could happen but it did.

SD11 is difficult to say the least. SD prefers BMs house and doesn't mind keeping her extra. I don't think it's an issue for some BM because she has totally given up on any parenting. They are more roommates and besties instead of mother/daughter. BM has also PAS'd for years. I feel her ultimate goal is to destroy her relationship with DH as much as possible. Even though it's terrible for SD.  Fingers crossed she doesn't dump her off here. 

SS came here at 8 years old.  BM couldn't deal with his disrespect anymore, she said he got abusive with her, hitting her, etc.  He didn't try that with me.  His behavior did improve over time but he annoyed me to no end.  My husband would get annoyed with him too, and there were times he wanted to send him back to BM.  He would say that SS was just like her and he couldn't stand her.  When he got to about 12 or 13, he improved drastically.  That may have been around the time that BM moved out of state so she was less of an influence on him.  

All I can say for him now is at least he's a productive member of society.  He did launch, most likely wanted to get away from us and our rules, whatever.  He's on his own and has been for quite a while.  Has a family of his own, and I'm perfectly happy never having any contact with him again.  Unfortunately he's also a two faced liar who is married to a two faced lying gossip.  I'm sure they'll teach their child and any other kids they have in the future to be just like them, so I have no desire to play happy grandma to their spawn.  I'm keeping my bios away from them too.  And BM is not to blame for this one.  She's dead and he had cut ties with her before that.  

My husband tried to blame BM for how he turned out.  Yes, she was a liar, she had her issues.  But, he came here and we taught him better.  As an adult, he chose to act like he does.  So the responsibility for how SS is, is on SS.  He could've chosen to be better.  

When SD22 Feral Forger became a problem, she would go to the "other house". Pack her stuff in garbage bags and then when problems aronse, would do it again.

Shes been living in the gross apartmenton the couch with Toxic Troll BM now for  awhile.

Toxic Troll has tried to offload the dirty little tick, but thats not going to happen. IM never going to live with that again.

It can and does happen. Meth Mouth became an addict so DH was given custody when Spawn was 10 and already had years of disfunction and hate built into her. It was so much fun trying to combat early upbringing with counseling, therapy, positive family interactions, extra curricular activities...all to have it not make one damn bit of difference.

Yep. Happened to us in January. Granted, YSS isn't a bad kid for us, just suffering from anxiety and teenage angst. But, had ET wanted to keep him, she could have done something - anything, really. She and her DH lost their apartment and couldn't find another that would have accepted their credit. ET could have, I dunno, WORKED at any point over the last year so they could have kept their home, and she could have gotten YSS into therapy. Instead, we had a hurt and angry YSS at our front door, and now we're picking up all those pieces.

Personally, she had it so easy with OSS that I don't think she really knows how to be a parent. So, she hit problems and just dumped them on DH under the guise it was "best for YSS". It probably is what is best for YSS, but I don't think that was actually her intent. It was just easier and YSS happened to benefit from it.

I think in normal situations (not including PAS) kids going to live w/the other parent, depending on circumstances, is not unusual.  As long as they aren't ping-ponging back/forth to circumvent rules, I don't see why a NCP shouldn't have his share/majority responsibility at some point of the childs life.  Adjust the CO/CS stipulations and now it's your turn.  Granted most of the time it sucks as* because the SM ends up being the one paying the price.  

Sometimes-even the best of parent can have a kid acting out and it IS fair for the other parent to be a parent as well.  Why should they get all the fun weekend times and non of the hard work?  THIS SAID-if a mom has fought hard to have sole custody or pas'd against dad, I can see it being a sh*t show that she brought on herself.

$$$ and PAS and control being the two big ones.

I don't think our BM will ever send skids to live here no matter how horribly they act. I know that BM and SD get into screaming fights, throwing things at each other, I know that SS tells BM to f-off probably as much as he does DH. From the pieces I gather from the skids, if they aren't staring at screens/video games or getting what they want, it's a screaming/throwing/door slamming match with BM. I don't see that behavior changing and it will probably get worse as they get older. They rule the roost at BMs house.

That said, she is too reliant on CS and government benefits for the skids not to live with her. In fact her CS and benefits have dropped since they're now with us EOWE (well the benefits should have but I'm guessing she forgot to update that welfare department). She has worked hard to PAS them so that they "want to be with her!" But it's all in the name of $$$. 

My bigger fear is that once they graduate HS and the CS and government benefits gravy train ends, we'll have skids at our doorstep as dysfunctional, never launched, adults. There's no incentive for her to deal with them at that point.

It happened to me.  Out of the blue, I had a damaged teenage boy move in.  And then I started the google search that led me here.

Yup, SS was 16 when he ended up living with us. BM couldn't handle him anymore. Thankfully, he wasn't TOO much of a burden but once he hit adulthood, he was just a complete bag f laziness, smelly, messy, rule breaking annoyance. Needless to say he got kicked out from our home and is back on BM's couch.

Yes! My SS now 20, was a HORRIBLE teen. Drank, smoked pot, lots of other drugs and would steal from us. Sold drugs too from our house and at school. HCBM loved to enable him so that he wanted to spend more time with her. We had 50/50 custody. One night when he was 15, she lost her SH$T and threw him out and all his possessions down three flights of outdoor stairs at their apartment. Needless to say, we had to call the cops. She refused to take him back so we got stuck with him full time for FOUR years. The irony is she still stayed in touch with him, bought him whatever he wanted and encouraged all his bad behavior but now she could send him "home" for us to deal with it. She was the hero and we were miserable. Almost killed our marriage and I can honestly say I don't know how I survived it. My health went down hill fast from which I have never recovered. HCBM is a horrible person whose sole purpose in life is to make my DH life miserable and they've been divorced 11 years!

shes pathetic with no friends and no significant other so she only has her meddling to keep her company. Be very careful. It does happen so stay strong. Best of luck!