I'm inclined to think that it's more to do with the general ignorance of the situation that makes people think that way. How many people can imagine how hard it can be when they've never lived it? Maybe time to educate them a little...

I thinkthere is some truth to "you take the package"  because you can't separate a parent from the fact that they are a parent.. that means with minor children a financial and physical obligation to them.  What people don't necessarily get is the difficulty that there can be in practice.. that there are a lot of forces that make blending difficult and that there can be situations that are just not in any way NORMAL.. and while I might accept my DH has kids.. I don't expect to accept people to be hostile to me in my home.. to be destructive forces.

We also may not see going in how the loyalties of our spouses can be split and the lengths a parent will go to to curry favor with their children in a divorce situation.. the stress of a vindictive ex etc..

So.. yes..we do know what we have coming.. to an extent.. and certainly i DO see cases on here where the kids are wholly normal and the SM is the one who is being unreasonable.. but there are also situations with some really horrid skids and Ex's and those are the things you can't predict.. though in hindsight.. even many of those people saw the flags and ignored them.

I'm both. BM and SM and I think there is truth to the package deal thing. Life becomes more complicated the more people are in the mix. When you marry/live w/ a person who has prior children and is active in those children's lives, you are choosing to accept and deal w/ that package. You have to temper your life to adjust. As a solo person (no kids) you live a freer type of life but add in a partner, things change. Add in a partner w/ children, things really change. Add in prior kids of your own, more change. Then add in hostile exes BMs/BDs and you've got a three ring circus at times.

The goal is to find a way to accept those changes that can be good and to work with changes that might not be. Good communication, same set of life goals, are both ways to find that balance. I don't think anyone, adults or children, should live in a home that becomes toxic or dangerous. Somethings are a given: mutual respect, politeness, etc. Other things take time and participation to find a balance. Sometimes the only balance you find is disengagement by the SP or by the SKs. When there are issues it isn't always the fault of BM or the SKs, sometimes it might even be the step parent to blame. As a household, you try to find a way to appease all and keep the harmony as a package deal.

I hear the phrase "you knew what you signed up for" all to often. I personally feel this applies to Bio Parents too! What did they think would happen when they divorced? Did they expect the other person to never have another partner their whole life? Did they expect raising a child in two separate homes would not be difficult? Bio parents assume they will never have to take other people "outside" their relationship into consideration. I feel like that is why so many flip out when a new partner comes into the picture. I can agree to the whole "package" thing to some extent. But it also applies to BPs. I would ask some of these BMs what they would do in some hypothetical situations... ones that you are currently facing. They are truly ignorant to the facts of blended families. 

That phrase is like "you knew I had a dog". But that alone tells us nothing - apart from the fact there is a dog. But is it dog a big dog, a small dog, does it shed fur constantly, does it randomly vomit on the carpet, is it a hypoallergenic breed, does it require lots of exercise, IS IT OBEDIENCE TRAINED?! 

Then, I would find all of that out.

No, one cannot know every little thing that might pop up, but like ESMOD said, people do tend to ignore red flags. Or, they have not given it enough time or done their due diligence to find out what they need to know.

When you enter into a relationship with someone who has kids, you now not only have to get to know that person, but you have to get to know what kind of parent the person is, get to know the kids, find out what the ex is like, and all of the dynamics. All of this is going to affect you. It's not enough just to be told that they have kids and hope it all works out.

These kind of comments really upset me ! 
I knew my DH had a child and I accepted that when I decided to marry him (comes with the package) but what I didn't sign up for is to have to deal with a useless BM ! Also when I get down or upset is not about my SS6 himself as a child but with his bad behaviours !

These kind of comments really upset me ! 
I knew my DH had a child and I accepted that when I decided to marry him (comes with the package) but what I didn't sign up for is to have to deal with a useless BM ! Also when I get down or upset is not about my SS6 himself as a child but with his bad behaviours !

Our society has become wayyy too child centric.  Back when I was a kid there were only a few divorced families and the adults were of the opinion that the little chits should behave themselves.

Now it seems like wants have become needs and children are spoiled all around.  Extreme coddling.

Imagine if you said the same thing to people every time they had an issue in life?

"My husband made me so mad last night..."
"YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO!"

"My son is really sick and I'm worried..."
"YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO!"

"My boss just totally degraded me in front of..."
"YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO!"

Like all the above I loath it when I hear someone say "you knew what you were signing up for!" 
it's ignorant. It's dismissive. And it's a double standard. People choose to get married, or have a baby and NO ONE SAYS THAT CRAP TO THEM WHEN THEY SAY HOW HARD IT IS!!! But if we say "Skid is really being difficult" or "family court is stressing me out" we basically get told to shut up and not complain. 
I want to scream at those people "NO I DIDN'T KNOW! No one who has never been a step really understands how difficult this life will be!" On top of that every step family is so different it's impossible to really get it until your in the middle of things! Some have fairly smooth co-parenting situations, others it's crazy desperate fight to protect the remaining mental health of an abused and manipulated child.  I have known plenty of people, some family members even, who grew up in step families. That didn't do anything to prepare me for the day the police and family services showed up and said "This child needs to live here now his mother has been arrested and is not to be around him anymore." 
 

I knew my DH had kids and I knew I didn't want to be more than a distant friendly aunt figure so we dated and lived seperately for over a decade.  We got married and still kept seperate houses.  Then when YSS was nearly finished school we finally decided that the risk of having a skid want to live with dad was over so we bought our place together.  

BAM

Nearly immeditely, the sh*t hit the fan and YSS moved into our new place.  And then I found this site and became TheAccidentalSM.  Because until he moved in with us I was at 2 steps removed from any drama. And I had planned and lived for years to avoid this problem so hence thinking of it as an accident.