SS upset me really bad. :(
So I currently live in the house DH bought with BM. We are remodeling and have some of the furniture. Including the bed. BM hardly slept in it because he bought it around the time that they split. She slept in it maybe several months. Anyway, SS4 said that it's only DH's bed and not mine and his. He also said because his mama use to sleep in it. I know that he is only 4, but kids are smarter than we realize. DH made him apologize to me, but dang that just really upset me. I told DH that I was saving up to get a new mattress (we just bought a dresser that matches the headboard.) I know he is 4, but now I just don't even want to sleep in it even though I've slept in it longer than BM has. Should I buy a new mattress or both mattress and headboard?
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I would
buy a new boxspring and mattress and have DH ask BM if she would like it before having it hauled to dump. If they are not on good terms with each other, have to store deliver and set up new mattress AND despose of old. Tell your SS that is your bed to knock it off. Sounds like it's going to be a rocky road for you. I have been abused for 25 years by my stepson.
I've been in his life for 3
I've been in his life for 3 years. He loves me and always wants to be with me so I'm not sure why he all of a sudden said it. I kinda knew it was gonna happen, but wasn't sure when. I know he is just a kid and only 4. He said he's sorry and that it's my bed too, but that's what his dad told him to say to me.
I would get a new mattress if
I would get a new mattress if that will help make you feel more comfortable in your home.
As far as what SS said I would try to let it go. Kids that age have no filters but I'm sure he wasn't intentionally being hurtful towards you.
Agree on letting it go
At 4 kids are parrots. He's probably repeating something he heard somewhere else. If you give this "attention", he'll repeat the behaviour. Just like a tantrum, ignore it and don't reward the bad stuff.
I really don't know where he
I really don't know where he would repeat it at other than SD8? SD has said this wasn't the first time he has said that. BM wants me to make the house my own and even asked to use our bathroom one day when picking up the kids. I know she wouldn't say that to him to be mean. Maybe he asked questions about it or maybe he knows that mommy and daddy use to live in that house and obviously knew they slept in that bedroom. SS apologized and said it was my room too. Well DH made him apologize and he explained it to SS how it's our bed now and how he shouldn't stay stuff like that because it has bothered me before. I think SS knows that it hurt me because he's being all sweet to me.
If you have been in his life
If you have been in his life since he was a year old, he has no idea if that is the bed that BM slept in (nor would he care or even think about it), so where do you think he got that? From BM, that's who. He is just repeating what he's been told. Shame on her, he's FOUR years old and she's already directing him towards this kind of narrative. BM is out of line and your husband needs to tell her as much.
Your husband needs to shut this crap down, every.single.time and re-direct him. "No, SS, this OUR bed, mine and stepmom92's, you know that." Every time a non-truth comes out his mouth, fed to him by BM, it needs to be countered with facts.
If this is the kind of person that BM is, you are going to have to learn to not get hurt by things like this (yes, you are going to have to get a thicker skin). Don't let her win, she wants to upset you, and if she can do it through SS, so much the better. Just know that that is her game and don't fall for it.
Tell us a bit about BM.
If you like the headboard, I would keep it. Screw BM. It would please her to no end to know that you got rid of it because of what she did.
Me and BM actually get along
Me and BM actually get along really good. We coparent well. I also have a SD who is 8 and she use to say something like I was sleeping where BM use to, but she got out of that. I wonder if he got it from her? SD said that's not the first time he's said it (I guess at his moms?)
Wait, did you actually hear
Wait, did you actually hear SS4 say it, or did SD tell you he did? As stated above, if you've been around since he was 1, he would have zero memory of his mom sleeping in that bed.
Actually both. He said it and
Actually both. He said it and then my MIL (we were at DH's moms house) asked if he's said that before and SD said yes. DH explained to him last night that it was our bed now and then SS came in and told me it was my bed too he was just kidding and then he said daddy told me that. He wanted me to sleep with him in the bed and he knows that the kitchen and everything else is ours.
Well, he didn't come up with
Well, he didn't come up with that on his own. Also, kids tend to repeat things that get them a lot of attention. If every time he says something like that, people fawn over him, asking where he heard it, why would he say it, etc., he will be more likely to say it again. Ignoring things like that or giving him a short, to-the-point correction and then ignoring would be best IMO.
Duplicate
Duplicate
Why are you letting the words
Why are you letting the words of a 4 year old, who is likely parroting something BM said or is just really smart and made a connection about the origins of the bed, push you to spend potentially thousands of dollars that aren't needed? Also, why let those words push you to the point that you don't want to sleep in your own bed anymore?
Kids say and do hurtful things, sometimes out of malice and sometimes just because their brains aren't formed enough to realize they're being hurtful. Every time that happens, we as adults can't make drastic changes to our lives to not be reminded of the hurtful thing.
By all means, be a bit hurt. It's okay that what he said stings. But it's an extreme reaction to want to replace the bed and feel so distraught by it that you don't want to sleep in it anymore. The bed didn't change just because you were reminded about its origins.
I'm having flashback to when
I'm having flashback to when I moved in with DH and SD (at the time 5). DH was living in a townhome with SD5. All three of us were going shopping at Target. DH and I were picking some new stuff out, including bedsheets. SD flipped out in the middle of the store "IT'S NOT YOUR BED." We both just stood there and stared at each other. Now she is 11 and we have moved into a house we BOTH got after getting married. SD still gets territorial with some things. I think it's SKs way to cope with feeling out of control. Doesn't make it okay at all. Just be prepared for a long ride... Still dealing with it 6 years later...
I hope it's just a phase or
I hope it's just a phase or something. SS apologized and said 'it was my bed too I was just kidding' and then he said 'that's what daddy told me'. I understand he is only 4, but I don't know if he got that from SD or he just knows. SD said that's not the first time he's said that. But he wanted me to sleep with him in the bed last night and is very loving towards me. Not mean. So I'm not sure
Part of this is
YOU don't like sleeping in the same bed BM had sex in with your BF. I get this, I would not be sleeping in that bed. It's hard enough to be in the same house. But the same bed? I know some people don't agree. But you are not those people.
Get a new bed, move it to a new spot. Paint the room. If it's white paint it blue or green. Replace picture on them wall or what ever. Make that room your own.
Remember BM is not your friend, she doesn't want you around her kids. No woman , wants another woman mothering her kids.
The little wanna be tyrant
The little wanna be tyrant needs to be put in his place right now. It's good that DH set him straight and made him apologize but the problem I see is that he thinks he is in control, not you. You and DH are the adults and you make the rules, that needs to be understood by all the children in the house. Your bedroom is yours and that space needs to be respected and made a KFZ (Kid-Free Zone).
I also moved into the old marital home and I got the same territorial reaction from grown ss's in their 20's. I wish I had immediately set boundaries with them and DH that yes, this is now my home, not ss's anymore. It took a few years of struggle but I don't accept their baby sh*t anymore.