Update: Bratty Breaks Her Silence...
So at the start of the holiday weekend Bratty texted SO to ask to stay 'one night sometime in July'. We had previously set rules in therapy last year for Bratty's visits (reasonable notice, specific dates, and adhere to the schedule). SO texted her back and let her know per our agreement in therapy we needed specific dates.
Bratty went silent all weeked as she does when she doesn't get her way.
This morning she finally responded to SO's text and said she still wasn't sure about dates and was looking into alternative stay options. YES!
At least she's now fully aware that we don't intend to simply ignore or forget about the boundaries we set last year. And as a soon-to-be 24 year old adult, they are free to stay elsewhere if they don't like the rules.
I'm pretty happy with how this turned out so far. I'm sure SO would like Bratty to be able to stay but there is way too much drama when she does (which is why we needed the boundaries in the first place).
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Sounds like
a solid victory to me! Woo Hoo!
Good job on SO's part!
Yes - I know its bittersweet
Yes - I know its bittersweet for SO so I'm not outwardly cheering - but in my head I am doing a happy dance for sure!
Hang in there
I have a feeling the drama isnt over yet so hang in there. Starting school in your area + no firm accommodations + GF turned her down + August approaching = amber alert time. Lol.
Uh-Huh
I think that was how she was going to stretch out her 'one night stay' here - oh, while I'm here I should spend a few days looking at places to live' LOL.
Yep - there is a clusterbomb brewing for sure!
It probably took Bratty a few
It probably took Bratty a few days to process that her brilliant plan has backfired and that DH is holding her accountable to terms she agreed to.
Yep
Which is actually fine that she stepped back to process for a bit. I was afraid of a repeat of her silent treatment to SO last year so this does show a bit of growth in maturity level. Though it was inappropriate for her to make the ask in the manner she did in the first place.
Bratty Bratty Bratty
The joy of Bratty.
Keep those boundaries solid. Which you are doing.
You could always say the dates in July dont work cause we are going to disneyland
OR are you sure you want to come, covid and the growing number of vegans did Boston Market in. They are closed. Sheesh
Bahahahaha
Is Boston Market really closed? That kinda sucks
Canine
Just attempting humor here. Im pretty sure they are open though?!
Oh good
I wouldn't want Bratty to miss out on her 'traditions' LOL
Bratty and her expectations
So - based on the history you presented us with, Bratty no doubt was expecting poppa to drop everything and wait and prepare for her decision on what her date(s) would be because one day just isnt enough time...to do whatever for whomever.
Exactly
I told SO its really annoying that she doesn't learn.
I said in therapy her crazy plans are not cool with me. She makes more crazy plans to visit Grandma who tells her not to come. A normal person would maybe think, you know next time I should make a better plan...but Bratty is definitely not normal!
And I knew...
When Bratty texted me a couple of months ago asking about Disneyland that she was up to something and was probably going to ask for a visit in the near future. Looks like that is exactly what she was up to.
I would make sure
Her visiting dates are like 14 days or more from the date she tells you. Let her know that there are days needed to get ready for her visit. She can not possibly go to Disneyland when staying only one night
We already agreed on a couple
We already agreed on a couple of weeks' notice during family therapy. But of course she thought we wouldn't enforce it. She really is a terrible planner and does everything last minute, always over-estimates her own abilities and under-estimates the task so she never has enough time. If she were a normal person I wouldn't mind as I usually love guests. But Bratty is not a normal person hence the boundaries.
She was visiting friends, not going to Disneyland - just to be clear. She couldn't freeload any tickets and can't afford to buy them
Woo hoo! hallelujah! She's
Woo hoo! hallelujah! She's looking at alternative options - I'd be doing the happy dance in my head too..lol!
It really boggles the mind
It really boggles the mind how Bratty can sulk over something so logical. MIL and FIL live 3 hours away in a very large beachfront house. The family uses it as their holiday house because there's a seperate wing for guests. We all book in our dates so the ILs can make sure it doesn't clash with any other visitors. We bring enough food for our duration we cook a fancy dinner to share every night. The ILs do the dishes. And on the day we're supposed to leave we clean up the rooms and eff off. Not rocket science hey Bratty?
It boggles my mind that a
It boggles my mind that a grown adult needs rules like this explained to them in the first place!!!
" was looking into
" was looking into alternative stay options"
Please don't believe this for a minute. She has no intention of seeking alternative accommodation, this was simply another piece of ammunition from her "guilt daddy to death" kit.
Could be
But my gut is telling me she'll either find a couch to crash on for a couple of nights, or sleep in the car. She probably wouldn't want to lose face by coming back again but on the other hand, it is Bratty we're talking about here...
In taht case, she'll tell you
In taht case, she'll tell you well in advance that she's going to sleep in the car or crashing someone's couch to try and guilt daddy a little more. And if she wants to really push it, she'll add "because there was nowhere else I could afford...". Dollars to donuts.
He's welcome
to pay for a motel room for her. The issue is the same one I have with Bratty's plans: a motel will want to know when you're checking in and when you're checking out. Bratty can't provide either because her plans are always crazy.
Tbh, I'm pleasantly surprised
Tbh, I'm pleasantly surprised that she didn't send some kind of rant to DH. Maybe that's progress?
You may not want to hear this, but there may be hope for her.
I was curious about the difference between a person who has an attachment disorder, which leads to personality disorders, and a garden variety brat. And I found this chapter. They are have very similar symptoms, but it looks like brats can grow out of brattiness if people stop coddling them.
https://books.google.com/books?id=pbFARZsp6dMC&pg=PA198&lpg=PA198&dq=%22...
Earlier in the book, he defines the criteria for an attachment disorder. Basically, if she wasn't neglected before age 3, she's just a brat.
Could be
Yes I was happy she responded to SO after a few days and didn't continue silent treatment or send an entitled rant. I think its the first time she's had a significant boundary enforced - she just thought we'd forget or ingore it.
Not sure if she's just a brat who'll grow out of it in a few years of living in the 'real world' or if she's truly NPD, to be honest. Either way, it doesn't change my present boundaries with her. I can see how she copes with her young adulthood going forward - if she starts to make some progress in her life or if its more of the same victim mentality crap (e.g. Its not my fault I didn't get into med school because [insert an excuse from Bratty's greatest hits here]).
I actually DO hope there is hope for her - for SO's sake I would like her to end up stable and with a career/home/partner and maybe a family of her own someday. Its hard to see it happening right now but a lot can change in someone's early twenties.
This is true, in fact my SD
This is true, in fact my SD grew out of her brattiness. I agree, there could be hope. That said, SD was neglected by BM before age 3- but DH and his parents made up for it, so the impact wasn't as severe as it could have been. She did show some attachment issues, but as she grew, they lessened. And mine was one of the worst out there.