Inconsiderate SD
I've been married for 15 years. We have 3 girls together- ages 14,12, and 10. My sd is 19. From the beginning of my relationship with dh, I've felt left out. Shortly after our first daughter was born, we were going to take sd trick-or-treating because it was "our" night for visitation. I bought the costume and was excited to take her trick-or-treating because the previous year she was not with us. Bm called and asked dh if sd could trick-or-treat with her, her new bf and his kids. Not only did my husband say yes, but he went with! So my sd had 4 adults with her (the bf's ex went too) and I was left at home with our baby. I didn't even get to see sd in the costume. I packed my bags and was going to leave my husband because I wasn't going to put up with being ditched every time sd or bm were in the picture. I didn't leave and it has happened for 15 years. Any argument my dh and I have had is about sd or bm. I really thought that once sd turned 18 things would change (despite paying $1000/mo in support until she's 21). Sd is a chip off of the bm block. She changes plans at the last minute and shows up out of the blue. Weeks pass before she calls/texts dh but she claims to miss him. When invited for dinner, she flaked because her bf was unable to join her. But she misses dh, right? *eyeroll* I've gone to counseling about dh's baggage and how our daughters and I are always pushed to the periphery. I finally told dh that sd is old enough to understand that she just can't show up last minute. I complained that was her bm's behavior and I wasn't enabling sd after years of putting up with bm's games. Dh said he agreed, but sd has either shown up last minute or changed plans six times in the past two months. I went to counseling about it, I talked to dh... I even talked to sd and explained that her sisters have multiple activities and we can't just accommodate her schedule. She said she understood but continues to show up out of the blue. After three arguments, I told dh that I'd like at least a days notice before she shows up so I can prepare (mentally and practically- like planning dinner.) He said "ok" but had the audacity to show me a text from sd the other morning... "I'm not needed at work so I want to visit. Do you have plans?" My whole demeanor changed and I just said "no plans" because I couldn't believe that he wasn't doing what I asked after so much grief. Sd came over, stayed the night, and left while dh and I were walking. She knew we'd be gone an hour and had the audacity to text "Thank you for yesterday! I love seeing you guys always. Sorry for leaving while you guys were I gone I just have a bunch of cleaning to do and Tuesday's are normally my day to do it. I hope your walk was good love you guys." You mean to tell me she couldn't even say goodbye in person? I'm so annoyed with sd for being so inconsiderate and unreliable and I'm annoyed with dh that he enables this behavior knowing how it makes me feel. I love him. We have a family. I don't want to split up but I am so tired of our lives revolving around sd. Please help!
Focus on DH
Sounds like the root of the issue is that you're feeling like your husband doesn't prioritize you and your daughters. 19 year olds can be very flakey and self-centered. The logistics of surprise erratic visits - dinner, cleaning, etc. need to be your husband's to deal with. Also, don't change your schedule/plans in those instances. He probably doesn't want her to feel excluded from y'all's household - especially since y'all have other kids in the house. She did ask if she could come over - so it's more on your husband for not enforcing the boundaries I guess. Honestly, this issue sounds more labout you feeling marginalized by your husband over the course of the marriage.
If this has been going on 15
If this has been going on 15 years and you have already done counseling then I don't know what to tell you. You need to start making threats and following through with them.
She's old enough to be left alone at the house if she wants to be coming and going whenever she wants. Don't change you or your daughter's schedule for her. Continue to do what you were planning to do anyway. If you're making dinner for five people six isn't really that much of a difference, she doesn't need to have special accommodation for that or anything else.
Are you still seeing your
Are you still seeing your counselor, or if not, could you go back for a few sessions? I think you specifically need to work on boundaries and consequences for breaking them. You can't control DH. You can't control SD. But you can act for yourself when they cross a line. Being able to articulate boundaries and enforce them saved my marriage.
I expect this continues because there are no consequences for DH. He'd rather upset you than upset SD. So you have to bring the pain to him.
The thing is, when he crosses your boundary you MUST enforce it. Otherwise it's just words.
this doesn't seem that bad to me
She changes plans at the last minute and shows up out of the blue? Sounds like a typical 19 year old.
Weeks pass before she calls/texts?? If you're getting weeks in between these events, it sounds like you and your daughters aren't "always pushed to the periphery".
Her depature while you were walking also seems like no big deal to me and her text goodbye seemed kind enough. You don't like her there anyway, why would you care when or how she left?
Aside from being a somewhat flakey, self-centered normal teenager, does she treat you unkindly? Disrespectfully? Does she misuse your house? Treat her half-sisters poorly?
It sounds like you're just annoyed with everything about her. I hope you can continue with counseling so you can find some peace with the situation. And if she's truly doing something wrong (maybe you just didn't share the worst examples) then definitely do talk to DH about it and work together to set boundaries and rules - TOGETHER - so you can have the peace you want in your home.
HUN
I get this you need structure and advanced notice when it comes to SD. She causes you anxiety, has given you resentment because of DH's favortism.
I get that even though she isnt always there, the anxiety is still there cause ya never know when the princess will rear her entitled head. That is the worst. Its almost worse than always having her there. Its the unknown and waiting for SD to make her appearance. I GET THAT! its shitty.
HUGS
"Its almost worse than always
"Its almost worse than always having her there. Its the unknown and waiting for SD to make her appearance."
You just summed that up so perfectly!!! Thank you for putting into words what I feel on a constant basis. Having the looming threat of her triumphant return just sucks the life out of me.
100% THIS
Well put! This is the problem. And that fake sweetness "love you guys!". Barf.
The anxiety can be crippling just waiting for the text that says "Can I come over dad?".
It is not too much to ask that you get advance warning when she is coming over so you can prepare yourself mentally. Showing up whenever it suits her and acting entitled is not what normal 19 year olds do. It's what spoiled and manipulative people do.
Boundaries and consequences is the only solution here. Getting to the point where you can no longer live like this and voicing that to your DH so he is clear on what will happen when he puts her "wants" before your "needs".
Well...
You need to enforce the boundaries you ask for. For example, when your DH showed you the text you should have said, "well we have no plans but I was expecting her visit today. We've discussed how these last minute visits cause me some anxiety due to the surprise nature of them. I would appreciate if you told her she's welcome to come tomorrow but not today. Or, you can go meet her somewhere for dinner or a movie".
The issue is you asked a boundary (good) but then completely folded when the situation presented itself, instead of enforcing that boundary.
Honestly I don't see an issue with the text. If she needed to go she should go and not wait for you to return from your walk. Her text sounded quite nice, and did thank you.
I never got a text like that from Bratty since her self-invented 'social anxiety' prevented her from saying good-bye, please or thank you, but apparently only to me. Now that is rude. What your SD did was actually quite nice.
Self-invented social anxiety.
Exactly!
Sadly this appears to be a mass delusion sweeping our society these days.
IMHO
Think that you are sort of at the end of a rope of some kind
That whole Halloween thing must have been pretty bad. And there must have been many like instances over the years, however you continued with this man for 15 years and 2 additional children, so something is good there.
Just learn how to create and enforce boundaries. That will help a lot.
Maybe try another counselor if the one you have been with isnt helping you?
Other than that - she seemed typical 19 year old and she was polite.