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My birthday next week

ejamer's picture

Submitted by ejamer on Sat, 06/19/2021 - 12:59pm

Hey all, 

I am super nervous about my birthday next week. After my SD insisted I was a hypocrite because I called her out on excluding me from her birthday a few months back she apologized and told me it would not happen again and then promptly took back the apology when apparently it was my job to get her to come over to her dads on her moms time and celebrate DH birthday together. I told her that's not my job and you can text your dad or call him if you want to be around on his day. Also if your mom is happy to drive you then why didn't you ask? So now the SD has it in her head that we all have to celebrate the holidays together but she is actually just being a brat and trying to prove to me that she actually had nothing to apologize for. On her dad's birthday, I wanted to come over for an hour with them together and then I was going back to my place. My DH birthday fell on a day where I come over and have dinner with them. SD got her knickers in a knot and wanted me entirely excluded not willing to budge on having me there at all. I thought this was unreasonable and it was the first time in four years I have ever called her out on anything. Well!! Oh MY! I forgot that this kid doesn't get called out on much and has zero accountability so now she is just plain  mean when she is held accountable  Even though she apologized ( not really) she is determined to stick it to me. 

Forward to next week. I am already feeling resentful because I know they will do absolutely nothing on the change-over day which is my bday. They are excellent at showing me that they are sticking it to me and admitted that they ruined Christmas because they were mad at me because I did not let the DH spend Christmas morning with their mom and them without me. The DH and me have decided that is not happening anymore ever especially now married and I did do it for four years too long. I also told them that BM will not be spending Christmas morning at our house without me either 

If it weren't for COVID I would plan to be away and with some friends not looking back. My DH would celebrate on the weekend and then I would be gone on Wed. but I will be stuck in my apartment for yet another day with not much to do and I will be very angry if they do not even acknowledge it and the DH comes up with another bunch of excuses. 

Comments

Findthemiddle's picture

Submitted by Findthemiddle on Sat, 06/19/2021 - 1:51pm

Disengage.  Let your husband handle the contact with your SD.  You're putting yourself right in the firing line by engaging.  Accept that she won't apologize.  Any conversations about what your boundaries are should be with your husband - it's his job to handle this craziness with his ex-wife and kid.  Figure out how you want to celebrate your birthday and make plans.  Tell your husband what you want and expect.  

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Sat, 06/19/2021 - 2:56pm

I don't think SD even knows when my birthday is. The less they know the less they can get under your skin.

My SD never missed a chance to make someone else's special day all about her. 

ejamer's picture

Submitted by ejamer on Sat, 06/19/2021 - 3:03pm

great advice! I guess I am still stuck in trying to make us a family .... :( 

Disengaging is hard

Findthemiddle's picture

Submitted by Findthemiddle on Sat, 06/19/2021 - 4:40pm

I totally get it- And I am sorry that it's not working out the way you had hoped.  There may just be too much history between those three for it to work as a blended thing.  Blending is rare.  It can take many years for kids to grow out of the insistence that they be the center of their parents' worlds - esp. kids from split homes.   It's hard to not take it personally- but the truth is she wants her parents' attention all to herself- and has gotten away with pushing you out for a long time.  Her dad needs to make it clear that you are his wife and family.  Doesn't mean you cannot be friendly and polite.  But for your own happiness step back and let them work it out- without something to resist your sd will lose some of her power.  

ejamer's picture

Submitted by ejamer on Sat, 06/19/2021 - 8:56pm

Thanks for that Findthemiddle! It would seem that I have been the skapegoat for both my SD misery. 

My DH wants me to come over but at this point I would be sitting there wearing a mask so that doesn't make sense.

I would rather watch my show and enjoy my evening. I think the disengaging may be working, my DH has come over each night since I said I needed the break and had dinner with me without them as well as the SD's have to help out with chores over there. 

The thing that is n extra layer is that DH has severe ADHD and gets easily distracted so while he is supporting me he has a very difficult time on his own without constant direction so stepping back from that is really hard. The SD 's know this and take full advantage of it and it really pisses me off because he even went out of his way to explain this to them so why the hell are they not helping him! Anyways the one SD pretty much always agrees to help while the other one sits on her rump and insists that her OCD won't let her help out at all. Meanwhile, she is doing homework of which neither parent has any idea what the hell her homework with counsellor actually is so likely she just makes crap up and continues to control the environment. Honestly, the word is Lazy. I can't stand that they are still here on our usual lovely Sat night together. Can't wait until they are gone tomorrow. I am so sad that I don't like them but I guess its better than trying to pretend that I do. I am realizing that staying away and being friendly but not in their space is going to work. It just really sucks for me.