I've rewritten this a number of times.  I could go back years, say how I've known my wife's kids for 14 years, taken them on/ paid for  holdays, helped with driving practice, decorated rooms, blah blah blah......but have decided to tell it how it is now. They're 21 and 19 and although the life plan included going to university, that hasn't happened. My wife's son (21) now has a good, responsible career; her daughter (19) has taken part time work whilst putting travel, uni and career plans on hold due to covid.  The point is, they're still at home!  It hasn't been easy over the years and now they're adults it's not getting any better.  They do nothing to help around the house.  The son, despite earnig a good salary, pays nothing towards his upkeep except for buying (and reluctantly at first) his own food, or most of it - he still uses general milk, bread etc and is very often cooked a meal.  The daughter is saving to travel.  I gave up setting my own boundaries, parental input or "adult with influence" years ago - after all they're not my kids are they....!!!  Last year I got annoyed with the daughter for telling her mum to F*** off and promptly had a hot drink thrown over me.  It was even cleared it up while she flounced out and went to her dad's.  When covid struck we said we would be adhering to the lockdown rules.  I have a health issue making me slightly more vulnerable.  Within 2 hours of asking that they take extra care the daughter was getting dressed up to go out, against the rules, and stating "I'm 18, you can't tell me what to do". When the sin aasked if his girlfriend could come round and STAY for maybe weeks his mum ended up in tears. When I spoke to him, at first reasonably, it ended up in a heated exchange where I was told to f** off and, when I complained, being pushed.  So - effectively assaulted twice within a couple of months.  I have never felt so unsafe and uncared for in my life!  The next 4 weeks were hell. Constant rows between mum and chidren regarding covid rules with me taking refuge upstairs no longer wanting or being allowed to intervene.  After all, they're not my kids...... When I did bite back, when the daughter entered our room uninvited and refused to get out, I was called a c*** and subject to tyraids of verbal abuse.  Cut a long story short, they eventually spent 6 months with their father which as far as we were concerned was bliss.  Now they've been back for a few months and although they're better re covid rules, they now virtually ignore me. IF I make a point of sayig hello, morning or the like, they deign to reply.  IF I engage them in conversation they will reply briefly, looking at their mother.  The son comes and goes (to work for example) without so much as a "morning", "bye" or "I'm home" and spends the remainder of his time in his room playing vid games.  It's only recently they've at least finally started clearing up after themselves and taking their dirty shoes off when they come in.  Despite doing a huge amount over the years I have never been so much as made a cup of tea by either of them.  Mind you, neither has their mum....  I have occasionaly for example continued making the son maybe a sandwich for lunch. IF he makes himself anythng he NEVER offers me anything.  Frankly, I now won't make him anything out of principle, but that's not who I am.  And there's the rub - being told not to intervene when I see boundaries being