Well, my Weims would argue that chopped liver is the best in the world and their absolute favorite :) 

I'm sure it hurts, I would tell BM your contribution was the makeup you paid for and you offered to do her makeup and since she declined shopping with you, she can foot the bill.

Take some steps back, or you will end up hurt.

I wouldn't agree to the cost splitting. You already bought make-up and that stuff gets expensive fast. 

I would be petty though and offer to see if her friends want to split a limo or towne car for prom! 

I really and truly don't think that SD is intending to hurt your feelings.  I think it's lovely that you have been so generous with her.. offered to do her makeup.. offered to buy her a dress.. bought her makeup etc....

But, while I know you are feeling hurt and rejected... you have to understand that this IS a girl's thing.. and more typical that a mom would want to be involved in the dress shopping etc.. .  I mean.. so gracious of you to offer if her mom didn't come through.. but in the order of importance and ranking.. mom does trump SM.. it doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you.. but that is her MOM.

And the makeup thing... while I get that you feel rejected there too.. you admit the first makeup session you did didn't turn out as she preferred.  Maybe.. and I'm trying to be diplomatic... she wants makeup that is more youthful in style and her sister is more capable of giving her that look? 

The switch of leaving from mom's.. maybe that is conducive to her sister doing the makeup?  Also.. I believe you said that the date was originally on mom's time?  now that is switched.. but this is your husband's issue to make a demand if he wants to keep his child here.. I don't know how their other parenting custody issues go.. do they have a pretty laid back flexibility so that dad isn't going to end up on the short end all the time?  It's up to him to allow it.. I would see him being likely to allow it given the other logistics... and not wanting to go against what she wants on "her" special day.

So, while I get being hurt and reminded that you aren't necessarily her "first order" of priority.. I don't think that any of it means she hates you.. it isn't designed to be disrespectful.. or hurtful.  It doesn't change that you may still have a good relationship with her.  My YSD and I are very close.. I have also steered a wide berth aroung situations like this.. overly cautious about over stepping.

You can obviously not contribute to the dress that was purchased.  You did offer and that offer was not open ended.  It might be nice for her father to share in some of the expense.. but it is up to him if it isn't stipulated in the CO.

This is just one of those rites of passage that "belongs" to the BM.  No matter how much you do or offer to do for the SD, you can't compete with an involved mother when it comes to proms, weddings and first bras.  As between her bio parents, her mom is into the prom, and her dad doesn't see what the big deal is (not surprising), so of course mom is going to want to run the show and SD will go along with that.  Obviously your husband is going along with it, too, as he's allowing BM to take SD on his time (my DH would do the same).  It's hard to feel liked chopped liver, but ultimately this is SD's prom and anything you're doing should be about her.  She's made it clear that she doesn't want you to do her makeup and she preferred to wait to see if her mom took her to get a dress.  It's hard to know whether she's doing this because she prefers to do all this with her mother/sister or because she's feeling the pull of loyalty binds or being pressured by her mother, but try not to take it personally.  This is just one of those situations where the stepmother can't win.   

I experienced the junior version of this when DH took OSD to the daddy-daughter dance when she was 4.  It was a "dad" event and it was on our time, but BM still swept into my house to provide the dress of her choosing, take pictures and insert herself into the situation.  I was a bit annoyed at the time, but now that I have my DD I understand.  It's BM's child, not mine, and this was an experience she wanted with her daughter even though she's not with SD's father anymore.  I know it's going to happen time and time again, so I just plan not to put myself out there to get hurt.  I'll let BM handle the milestone events, as that's likely what the skids want anyway.

She had me buy all this make up from Ulta which I thought was for her.  Nope.  She didn't even go to Homecoming.  She charged a bunch of girls to do their makeup for homecoming made made bank.  She used me to buy foundation in all of her friend's skintones.  

I'm really sorry I know how that feels. We had Spawn full time and I was good enough to take her to buy the dress, but then come the day/night of the dance she would go to a friends house or Meth Mouths to get ready. There was only 1 dance in junior high that Spawn got ready at our house with her friend and DH was able to take photos of that.

Wow your school district is having a Prom?

To be the step-aside. I totally get it. SD22 did all her prom stuff with her mother. DH got a texted photo, me of course nothing, which we didnt/dont have a close relationship, but thats all on her.

SD14 - well she is sweet and kind and we are nice to each other, I do love her, but her mother ALWAYS has her full attention, even on our time. With all her "illnesses" and "depression over SD22". And all that, for years. 

And, like you, I was there for many firsts:

- first period, with pad demos

- first "how are babies made" talk

- first trip to a real hair salon

And as soon as Toxic Troll Bm crooks her fingers, Sd14 comes a'runnin. 

No matter how much time you spend, how many tears youve dried, blood, vomit, no matter how much you pay, you must always guard your heart because darn that sting always happens.

Ive currently hit my "wall" after 6 plus years of this, and then on top of it TT and her BS.

So I know how dismissed you feel.  In my case, SD sadly told us she had no dress for prom and was borrowing one from a friend. BM is notorious for having zero interest in clothes and SD said she didn't have time to take her shopping. 

So her dad and I offered to take her shopping. She didn't find anything but I got a sense of what she wanted. 

A few days later I was shopping and happened upon a $1,000 big-name designer dress in a department store that was highly discounted and was exactly what SD was looking for AND her size. I was hesitant because I didn't want to overstep.  Her dad called her about it and she was excited to see it, so I bought it.  

She rushed over the next day with a friend and they both literally squealed when they saw it and it fit her perfectly. She was so excited and went home in a glow. Even though it just so happened I found it, I downplayed it and her dad made sure she knew HE was the one who paid for it and he was happy it made her happy.

One day later, she called him back and in a terse voice said she was bringing it back so it could be returned because "it was too elegant" for a prom...clearly words BM put in her head.

In hindsight, I think SD gave us a BS story about wearing someone's borrowed dress because she/BM expected her dad to just offer her money after a Cinderella sob story. Money is all he was, and is, good for.  

God forbid he actually tried to be an active part of a milestone event for her. 

I suggest you take heed from this experience and don't expect anything better in the future. My SD is now married with kids and it hasn't changed a bit. 

BM is the one and only parent who matters. I am disengaged and will remain that way. Cordial when we must see each other on rare occasions, but otherwise we mean nothing to one anotther.

I totally get how you are feeling, especially when you thought you were going to have a bigger role in all this and then it got removed.  That kinda makes it feel worse.   I do think it is good that your SD17 is communicating with you and not completely disregarding you.   I think it does sound like a case of, she would probably appreciate and welcome your help, but I don't know of many kids who would not go with what their BM wants. Sounds like BM may be behind the scenes pushing that this should be *her* involvement over you, which is not necessarily wrong, but hopefully BM genuinely wants to be involved and isn't just trying to have control. Makes me wonder though, with the change to your other SD doing her make up and them being at your house to get ready.  I think your best bet is to try to shake off taking anything personally, be around that day if *you* want to, and be supportive in whatever level you feel most comfortable.  It seems that thinking of others' feelings, especially adults, most especially adult parental figures, is not usually a strong point with teen girls, but at least it sounds like you guys have an ok relationship? 

My SD almost 18 went to her first prom 2 years ago, as her boyfriend is a year older than she is.  My DH agreed to pay for her dress, which she ordered online (I thought that was weird but apparently that was the thing)  They did that on a Saturday, one of her weekends here. That night she went to a party, with plans for DH to pick her and a friend up to spend the night here.  When he arrived they were falling down drunk. Of course he was angry, she got her mom to come get her and refused to come back her next scheduled time because he was going to enforce her grounding.  When she finally did come back, she lied about going to a party, he went and got her, and BM again came to the rescue. SD has not lived her since.  Kind of a tangent, but back to prom - DH repeatedly asked about where they were doing pictures.  She avoided the questions, really him in general, and later he sees pictures posted by my mother in law (she didn't know there were issues and was surprised he wasn't there)  So so hurtful.  So I get it, being left out of these milestone moments is definitely a hard thing, especially if you feel like it is intentionally exclusive

It sucks being the convienient substitute when they want it and then being tossed aside without a thought when thier bio parent sweeps in. Step parenting can break your heart even when we know logically that the stepchild's choice is understandable.