SD17 prom - need advice
Will try to make this as short as possible...
SD17 has a prom coming up, she goes to a very small specialized school so her class is only about 75 people, but they still have a prom. She will be here with us the weekend of prom, and she's asked me to help her with her makeup.
SD has a bit of a punk alternative style I guess, lots of black, loves anime, combat boots, etc.
She came home last week and said that her and BM had picked out an outfit for prom online. It's a long sleeved black body suit, along with a short black/white/grey plaid skirt, which she plans to wear with thigh highs and combat boots. Very anime esque styled outfit, which she's very into, so I get it. If that's really what she wants to wear then that's fine with me.
She went to the mall with her good friend to do prom dress shopping for her friend and she mentioned there was a dress there that she thought was really pretty, but that all the dresses "are just so expensive". So now I'm thinking she might actually be interested in doing a regular prom dress, that she's just trying to be affordable.
Anyways, I found out the dress is $220, which is a bit higher than I'd like to spend, but I'd be okay with it, I mean with COVID, we've barely spent any money.
So now I'm considering asking DH how he feels about offering to buy the dress (or an alternative one if that one doesn't work out). But I'm a bit worried that I would kind of be stepping on BM's toes. But at the same time, BM didn't even take her prom shopping, she just looked online...and on top of that this is only a Junior prom, and she still has her senior prom next year. Also, with SD15 issues going on (see my other blogs if interested), who the heck knows if we'll be involved AT ALL with her prom, so this could potentially be the only prom one of the skids goes to that we'll get to see them off to.
Sorry I'm rambling, question is...would it be wrong to offer to buy the dress for SD17 after BM has already bought her an "outfit" for prom? *SD17 has already made mutltiuple comments of "I don't know if it will even look good on me, we'll see once it arrives" about the outfit with BM
- ksmom14's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I know you mean well
But agree with Futuro - this is fraught with peril. If I were BM and found out I would be upset.
Personally I think it's fine
Personally I think it's fine esp since she's with you guys that weekend, but I'd defenitely have DH be the one to talk to her about it. No harm asking, maybe she won't even want the dress in the end and if she really does, and it's what she wants, maybe DH can offer that you guys pay for it, or go halfers with BM so it's from all of you.
I think I'd wait to see what
I think I'd wait to see what the outfit she orders looks like and how she feels about it. SD and BM shopped for it, SD agreed to it, BM spent money on it. I don't think I'd support SD changing her mind at this point unless it really is stupid looking (to the point she'd be embarrassed to wear it) or doesn't fit.
But if you do offer to buy something else, that convo is one for your DH to have with her AND with BM.
SD went prom dress shopping
SD went prom dress shopping with a friend. She saw what most of the others will be wearing. Maybe she's changed her mind or maybe not.
I think I'd talk it over with her dad. If she really wants something else I'd be inclined to buy it (even realizing that shoes are added to the cost of the dress). I'd make her ask her dad though. The most I'd do is, when she is hinting she wants a dress, tell her that if she asks her dad there's a good chance she'll get one.
But, there's still the chance that once she thinks it over, she'll want the one BM bought.
Id refer her to dad...
Sounds like with a high conflict BM, the best thing is to let him handle it.
What she ordered on line with
What she ordered on line with BM really doesn't sound like something you would wear to a prom. To me is would work for a concert. I would have a conversation with DH about the prom. If you both agree about getting her a new dress then ask her if she would rather wear something else. If she would like to get a dress. I think a prom is something special. She asked you for help with her make-up so she must trust your style.
I'd offer to make next years
I'd offer to make next years prom extra special and let her have fun with this one. No need ( IMO) to have them both be super expensive. She will have one under her belt and she will hopefully know what she wants to do next year and you have time to save and give her a budget for dress, shoes, jewelry, hair and maybe nails. That's how I did it for my 3 older ones, senior prom was the big one.
Maybe DH can offer to buy her
Maybe DH can offer to buy her a dress if she has decided the other outfit is too casual. Even if he offers and she declines at least he put it out there for her.
Since SD has expressed
Since SD has expressed concern that she won't like the outfit once she has it on, you (or DH) could mention that if that occurs you and DH would be willing to kick in some $$ to help her find something else that she likes better.
Back when Sd19 when to homecoming
She ordered a dress online and it was like one of those Wish horror stories and we had to go to the mall and a million stores last minute.
also ya SD19 and Sd21 got $1000 prom dresses and North just asked for half
I don't think I would
I don't think I would directly offer to buy her a dress. If you have a close enough relationship.. you could ask her if she is thinking about wanting to go a different direction than the outfit that she had planned.
If she says.. yeah.. you could see if she wants you to ask her dad if he might be able to help her find something different... maybe not the $220 dress.. but he might be willing to shell out X.. or make the purchase her birthday present or something.
It sounds like her choice is going to be fairly high visibiility.. and she wouldn't be the first person to decide she doesn't want to stick out on this day.. the outfit just sounds a lot different than what most kids would be wearing.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your input
What I ended up doing was simply telling SD17 that DH and I talked and if she was really interested in said dress that we were willing to purchase it. I told her to just let me know if she did indeed want it and we could go try it on/ look around and left it at that.
She didn't say any more, and I assume she'll probably decide once she gets the outfit at BM's and is able to try it on. I simply wanted to give her the option and offer it to her, and she can make her decison from there.
I was going to suggest you
I was going to suggest you just mention that you would mind if she wanted something else and remind her that she can always return the one BM got her, or since it isn't a "prom dress" it is more of a cool outfit, she could keep it and wear it to something else.
Not easy space
Been here...I had my step daughter try on the clothes her mother bought so I could see and plan makeup. When she came in I threw her a complement and asked how she liked it.
She said its ok. I offered if there was anything I could do to make her love it let me know. I then proceeded to talk makeup, hair and so on.
During that she said she wanted something different and I just said ok ill discuss with your dad.
She did not want to tell her mom but I explained it would make us look like we were doing a dress behind mom's back if we didn't tell her.
Spoke to her dad, Step daughter spoke with her mom and said it didn't look like she wanted it too and could they find another. Her mom got angry, blamed me, daughter upset, eventually calmed down, her dad called the ex and said either you take her shopping or we will. What do you want to do?
So off I went to get a dress with her and she thanked her MOM for letting her get another dress!
No good deed ever went unpunished. Good luck my friend. We are here with you.