Feeling alone and uncomfortable in my home
Hi,
ive not posted on here in a while but I have realised how close I feel to breaking point right now.
My SD, now 17, she had no job and does nothing basically (her apprenticeship fell through due to lockdown). I am sure she just enjoys winding me up, and with lockdown I'm getting dragged down, she does what she wants when she wants (typical teen, kind of). She has lost all/any respect (if there ever was any) for me and takes over the room, acting like the centre of attention. She even winds me up taking my dog out for walks without asking. My partner says it's the family dog but we got it because i wanted it and am the one who has and will be around for it. I feel like a mis-fit in my own home. My partner says nothing just that we always squabble - not really backing me up. I do a lot in the house to maintain it and contribute financially but am just not happy atm. I am told no-one is happy atm with all the lockdown though.
Thank you for reading, any chat would be nice
Zero tolerance works. When
Zero tolerance works. When SD takes the middle of the room, crank up the TV to full blast. When he interferes in your TV programs, pause them or turn off the TV and stare at her until she leaves the room.
If she comes in quietly, sits down, and watches a program with you.... say nothing. Once she has done the calm and quiet join watching thing a few times, point out how much more pleasant it is and thank her.
Tolerate no crap. Make her choice to pull any crap immediately embarrassing for her and take away any benefit she gets from pulling her crap.
Put a calendar on the wall with a big red circle around her 18th birthday or HS graduation date, whichever is later, and start a very obvious count down to her get the hell out date. Inform her that if she flunks out and does not graduate, her gone date is the day after her birthday. Start leaving military recruiting brochures around and assign her to read them.
Why any adult tolerates this kind of shit from a kid is beyond me.
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for replying and chatting to me. Am I wrong thinking a 17 year old should know better and just behave and act her age?
I like the idea of taking away benefits she gets from pulling any crap. The usual benefit is getting me angry, annoyed and arguing with her or her dad.
Dad would not just chuck her out I don't think - might be a conversation we need to have.
so I just blank/ignore her unwanted actions and statements?
You're most definitely not wrong
You're most definitely not wrong. Don't get angry. Get even. Don't argue, dictate. To both the kid and her dad. Post standards of behavior, and enforce those standards.
Embrace the Step Parent Bill of Rights and introduce your mate and his progeny to this hill you are willing to die on to keep them both in line.
Good luck.
Step Parent Bill of Rights (SPBOR)
Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.
My spouse and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
I don't know how you do it.
I don't know how you do it. Kudos to you. :)
I'm currently going through a break up because I realized dating a single parent isn't good fit for me. I know how hard it is.
In terms of the dog. That is your baby just like my cat is mine. If someone ever so much as touched my cat without my consent...mmmm there would be consequences. Once, my ex's son tried to ram a toy into my cat's side. I lost it and my ex backed me up. That kid certainly never did that again. In fact, we had a rule that he can't even walk up to the cat and pet her unless she comes to him. And the way I am? You better believe he listened. Whereas when he's at his mom's he hits and kicks the dogs. Ummm, not happening here. Sorry, not sorry. Your husband should 100% back you up on this. There needs to be boundaries and rules.
You really do need your SO's help with your SD. If you don't, nothing will work.
MsMad
Reading your blogs and I am fuming for you. Nobody should be treating you this way.
12 years is long enough to be abused. You are already uncomfortable in your own home, so make it worse for SD and your DH. Show them what uncomfortable feels like. DO NOTHING for either of them. If you cant leave now for whatever reason amp up anything and everything that bothers them. Make their life hell. Why not? You have nothing to lose. I hope you can leave soon. Trust me life gets so much better without these kill joys.
who made that list Rags? i
who made that list Rags? i mean is it official in any way?
SPBOR - Step Parent Bill of Rights
It has been floating around the SParenting world for a number of years (13+ at least). I first ran into it on a now defunct small SParenting site I belonged to before I found STalk. I have no idea where it origninated or who wrote it.
As for official.... It is "official" if you adopt it as a foundational position in your blended family marriage. The individual is the one that makes it official.
It addresses a number of the challenging issues that are not uncommon for partners in blended marriages.