Need help/Advice
Bare with me, I'm not one for reaching out. and thank you all for reading/listening
qucik sum is 2 kids, luckily wasn't married. Ex cheated and left
here we are 3-1/2 years later trying to make it all work. I'm happily married now. she is still with the other person. hopefully married soon, not really sure. we have avoided court and and anything legal to this point. (not sure how good this is) we have a 50/50 split
Often times it feels like the Ex can't get rid of the kiddos quick enough and i constantly try and bite my tongue because in the end its more time I get with them. especially where I don't have the luxury of seeing them every night.
but this morning I lost it on here. the kids were not around. one at school the other with my wife. Basically. Mondays is one of my agreed upon days and where day cares are iffy we don't send the little one at this time. so on a normal day the expectation is I'm responsible for my days and the Ex is for her days . her partner works from home with their daughter. on my days I either need to miss work, or work from home(not always so simple) or my wife has to miss work (easier and not so bad of an option at this time) this upcoming Monday is Presidents day. the Ex has it off, I don't and my wife has an opportunity to work. with out communicating with us the Ex just says she will be dropping the kids off Monday to me. my response was " aren't you off that day?, I have to work"
Her reply was "well its still a Monday which is your day so i have every right to make plans on a day that was your day and its not messed up because not all of us get to have dates just randomly" date as in her and her partner have a kid free day. keep in mind they go on vacation a couple times a year and have plenty of free weekends in their situation.( my wife and I would like to do more jsut not its not practical all the time. for us the kids come first and we always jump at extra time wen we can)
i called her and lost it. yelled and told her she wants to co parent yet she is off and can't watch her kids. told her she needs to step up as a parent. but honestly... I did not say this in a very nice way. I know i pretty much called her a bad mother her and it wasn't my intention... yet i don;t take it back and also feel terrible that i said what i said. something I've held back for so long but just couldn't anymore since it always feels like its up to me or my family to always and i mean always miss work, make and take to appointments. pick up fro school. everything
I guess A. how wrong was I for snapping? B. am i crazy for thinking she needs to watch the kids when she has no work where i need to be in the office? there is much more of a back story here that i just don't know where to begin on.
Advice, help anything? like i said, its very unlike me to reach out like this but i need outside opinions and help. no judgement on my end
thank you
1.) You all need a court
1.) You all need a court order. Without one, you have no way to hold BM accountable and it gives too much wiggle room for changes and manipulation.
2.) Your ex is correct. If Monday is your agreed upon day, then you do have to take the children. She does have a right to make plans on your day. If your childcare is iffy, then find better childcare. If that doesn't work, then sort out a schedule that will.
This was not the situation to
This was not the situation to go nuts and scream at your ex over. You're wrong. That Monday is your day. Your ex was free to make plans, and there was no need for her to communicate with you about it - unless there's more you haven't written, she had a legitimate expectation that it was your day and of course she'd be dropping the kids off to you. It's not her problem that you have to work. The fact that she won't give up her plans to cover you while you work does not make her a bad mother.
It sounds like there are other things that are a problem, and you obviously feel that your family is bearing the brunt of things. Is that because she's not taking the kids on her days, or because you and your wife have less flexibility and it causes you issues on YOUR days? If it's the former, then address that real problem. If it's the latter, it's not your ex's problem and you need to figure out a way to deal with it. In any event, get a court order. It should make things easier in the long run.
You are way off base on what
You are way off base on what the problem is. You need a CO. Without one, there is no enforcable structure to your situation. So, get to court. NOW!
As for right or wrong.... since there is no agreement, you don't have to take the kids on days you cant watch them without missing work. Don't allow her to drop them off. Make sure that you and your SO are not home on Presidents day AM and put it on your X to deal with.
Know this, without a CO there is nothing you have to do. With a CO.... if you are stipulated by the Judge as the NCP... you will not have to take the kids at all, not even on your COd visitation schedule. That is the one major advantage that the NCP has. They can choose to not take visitation any time they wish and the CP has to care for the kids in that case. Also, the CP cannot deny you your COd visitation without the risk of consequences in Court.
Get a lawyer, get to court, get a Custody order and a clear visitation schedule.
And ... no, IMHO your X is not out of line by forcing you to care for your children as you have agreed to do on every Monday. Holiday or not. Your work schedule is not her problem just as her work schedule is not your problem.
Do yourself, your SO, and your kids a favor and get a CO. Then you have a foundation for the blended family situation you are in that is manageable.
Sorry, she's right - it's not
Sorry, she's right - it's not her day to watch them, and maybe she made plans to do something that day. Find a back-up plan for when you or your wife can't watch them. No school that day, find a local teenager who can help out. Send them to a family member or one of their friends and reciprocate with the friend's parents on another day.
it's fine to ask your ex if she can take them - but not to flip out if she says no.
Thank you all
Thank you all
the responses are eye opening and i have felt like crap after I snapped. so I guess deep down i felt as though i was in the wrong.
Yes there is a heck of a lot more to the situation. I have told her I will figure out that day as it is my responsibility. I think what bothered me most is the constant expectation with out communication. Especially where she is always saying how we need to communicate more. Not for nothing, the last 3 years for February vacation week, she has watched the kids on this day since its a day off for her, then the rest of the week between me and other family members would all take a day to help each other out. As I feel we should. Team work. To me around the holidays and school vacation weeks... who's day it is doesn't matter. We work together to make sure the kids are taken care of and our work lives are manageable. I always take Xmas week off and keep the kids the whole week more for my enjoyment and theirs, but I don't ask or expect her to miss work on her days when I'm already off. My first, second, third responsibility is to the kiddos. I don't care about going on dates. even before being married. if I had a choice of a date or a day with the kids... every time I'll choose the kids. in the end it is none of my business what she does on her time and i know that.
It just feels like she is always trying to see the kiddos less. which in the end is perfect because that means more time for me.
Sorry, I ramble and jump all over. writing was never my strength
"My first, second, third
"My first, second, third responsibility is to the kiddos. I don't care about going on dates. even before being married. if I had a choice of a date or a day with the kids... every time I'll choose the kids."
You also mention in your bio that your kids, hockey, and your wife, in that order, are your priorities. Are you serious? Do you have any kids with your wife? What does she think about your custody situation with your ex? Does she get any say at all?
To answer your original post, you should honor your committments as far as your custody schedule. You need a CO. You need to consult your wife on any childcare matters that aren't following the CO, before making decisions with your ex, if your marriage is important to you at all. I know you may be joking in the bio and maybe you are just saying you don't care about dates just to prove what a good parent you are, but, and i know this sounds rude as i'm in a crappy mood, but it sort of sounds like you don't care all that much about your wife.