I can’t stand my stepson, and I feel smothered by having full-time step kids
For some background, I am a 42 year-old female who has no bio children and who had never been married before now (got married last March). My husband has three children with his ex-wife: 18/f, 12/f, and 9/m. When we got married, all three children lived with their BM in a different state and would come to visit us in the summer and for holidays. I never really cared for children and certainly never wanted any of my own, but I love my husband, and having the children with us part-time and infrequently was ok with me. I think it's also important to know that the kids' BM is an alcoholic and is mentally unstable.
About a month and a half after we got married, my husband got a call from his ex, saying she could no longer handle their oldest daughter (then age 17 and about to start her senior year of high school) and that she needed her out of the house and was bringing her to live with us. I wasn't crazy about the idea, but I understood and figured at that age, she wouldn't need much from me and wouldn't be with us too long. The next day, she moved in with us. It was a little weird at first, just having someone else in the house, but it turns out we got along fine, and I didn't mind her being there ar all really.
Jumping forward to November, five days before the two younger kids were supposed to be coming to our house for a week for Thanksgiving, BM calls and says she can't handle the kids anymore and is sending them to come live with us. Her plan is to move to the same city as us a little closer to the end if the year so she and my husband can "co-parent", but she doesn't want the kids even 50/50, she basically just wants to switch the custody agreement, so that we have them most of the time and she just gets them every other weekend, for some time in the summer, and for some holidays. Now they've been with us since November, and BM moved here shortly before Christmas. Since she has been here, she has only seen them three times, once for a few hours when she took them out for dinner, once for a few hours when she took them to a coffee shop, and once for a three-day weekend.
Anyway, now that I'm a full-time stepmom, I absolutely hate it. Just that fact that they're there all the time makes me feel smothered and restricted, and to make it even worse, I can't stand my stepson (9). As I mentioned, their mother is an alcoholic and mentally unstable. This has caused the kids' a lot of emotional damage, and I know it's not their fault, but I find it very difficult to deal with. I feel like it's important that I mention that, though I like my stepdaughter (12) all right. I would definitely rather neither if them be there all the time, but she's ok. She's mostly well-behaved, mature, and friendly, which is good. My SS, however, is a completely different story. He's whiny, clingy, loud, badly-behaved, and is a very picky and difficult eater. He's almost 10 years old, but he's immature for his age and acts more like a 6 or 7 year old. It's to the point now that just seeing him immediately annoys me, and sometimes I dread coming home because of him.
So, now I'm not only having to play the role of full-time stepmom, which I never wanted, but I'm also having to deal with an extremely bratty child, which makes it even harder. I feel like I was just barely getting used to being a wife, and then, boom! I have three full time skids. I barely got any time to enjoy just being with my husband before this happened, and now we've only had three days without the kids in 2.5 months. It's very stressful, overwhelming, and causes me a lot of anxiety. It probably also doesn't help that all this is happening in the middle of a pandemic either.
Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent. I sure hope this gets better because I don't know how I'll be able to keep my sanity otherwise.
Sounds like me
The only differnce is I had 2 bios. When DH and I got together, I knew he would be seeing his 3 kids but was unprepared that he would have them every moment they weren't in school. Difficult years elapsed during which BM trashed me to the kids and everyone else. Four years later, OSS just never left one summer. I was okay with it, like your older SD altho I was surprised BM let him go so easily to my evil self. Three months later, SD arrived after a runaway episode and volatile fights with BM. Six months later, YES came, too. I was stunned.
Back to you, what does your DH say? Does he recognize his son's behavior issues? That's who should be handling the boy.
Another thing: counseling helped me tremendously. Its hard to accept a mother role to 3 sttange children. I feel for you. Good luck.
I don't think it's
I don't think it's coincidence that BM dumped the kids on you a month after you got married - trying to ruin your marriage perhaps?
It's not your job to care for his kids, period - it's his. I hope you haven't taken on a mother role.
With an alcoholic mother and
With an alcoholic mother and obvious problems that come from that , DH needs to get them in counseling. He needs to make sure YOU aren't burdened with his kids. He will do them or your marriage any favors if he doesn't step up to the plate and get them help. You have leverage here, what the heck would he do if you left??? He'd have to parent any ways. Don't fill in for him, don't let him off the hook either. Don't let him guilt or gaslight you into doing his job. You are there because of him and the relationship, not to be his nanny, maid and sex buddy. Keeping the marriage strong means he does his best to keep the drama outside of the two of you.
Sounds like the BM has just
Sounds like the BM has just gone 'Here you go, you want to play happy families, take this.'
It aint going to be easy but talk to your partner and try and set out some ground rules. He should be the one taking the reigns on this and time will only tell. Looks like (unfortunately) you have no choice but to accept the situation, which must be tough for this to be dumped on you all of a sudden, but he did have kids, granted they weren't with you as much as they are now.
Not sure what to say apart from good luck. Hopefully you can carve out some kind of relationship with them and are able to make your environment a happy one, which is obviosuly going to take time.
He has kids but he also has a partner and he needs to keep you all happy and you need to make sure your needs are also met and he doesn't sidestep your feeling and makes sure his kids are respectful of you and the house. Take one step at a time and any problems you have try to talk to him....Try.
Hang on in there
Your situation is very simiilar to mine. My DHs ex decided all 3 skids should live with us full-time just after we got married. I felt like I'd been tricked! Fast forward 9 years, the skids (all male) are 19, 23 and 26. The 19 year old went back to live with his BM 3 years ago. The other two stayed with us. The 23 yo has mental health issues and is a pain in the ass. The 26 yo is okay but arrogant and spoilt. Tbh, if I had my time again I probably wouldn't have married my DH. I do love him but feel that I've spent 10 years of my life feeling resentful and it has caused problems in my marriage. He recognises his children's short-comings but of course when I criticize, he becomes defensive and angry with me. I just feel that I sold myself short. We got together when I was 40 and I thought this was my last chance to get married and have children. We didn't manage to conceive which made it all the more harder. The 23 and 26 yo are on the verge of moving out in a flat together (good riddance!). I hope my DH and I can then get our relationship back on track and not be burdened by these 'children' anymore. I know they'll always be a part of my life but I pray that as they mature, they will stop being such an emotional and financial drain on my DH. Do whatever you need to do to stay sane. Disengage from the dramas, keep up your relationship with your girlfriends, have time away from the skids when you can, plan romantic getaways with your DH, keep venting on this forum. If you make the decision to stay in your relationship be patient and know that one day the skids will grow up and hopefully f**k off!