Am I doing it right?
I am new to disengaging and have only been doing it since Christmas really after I decided it was necessary for my sanity. It is somewhat easier that SK doesn't live with us, but she is close by unfortunately. I often feel jealous of those in the US, who have a lot of physical distance between them and their skids - like those who live in entirely different states - I would love that!
I haven't communicated to my OH that I am disengaging, he would probably say "what's that all about?" etc. I just don't mention them and if he does then I just reply "oh, yeah?" or something similar and then start talking about what to have for dinner or something. I have said in the past that I don't need to know everything - I just expect him to discuss any big things with me like anything that affects us on a personal level or our finances etc.
I do feel a bit mean sometimes, if I'm calling in to see a family member and he isn't coming or is at work whatever, he will always say "say hi to ***** for me" and later will ask if they're all ok etc. I don't do that when he goes to see them because I don't want to open the door to hearing all the 'shizzle' - I can't disengage like that. So I say nothing. Last time he went round to see them, he came back and said nothing. I mean, it is different because none of my family members cause any issue and have always been right with him so he would never have any reason to need to disengage from them.
I am going to persevere with it because I can't see any other way forward really. It's just about making it work for me I guess. Does anyone else feel like they are being a bit unfair to the SO's? Or do you just accept it is what it is.
I do let So talk about SKs to
I do let So talk about SKs to me, I just personally don't feel any type of way about them or what he is going through with them.
I think this is it, is it
I think this is it, is it more about just disengaging YOUR feelings about them so that you don't care or let crap bother you? I think it's that I'm finding hard. Yes you can pretend they don't exist but they do and there's no getting away from that. Maybe I am confusing disengaging with 'gray rocking' lol. I will figure it out - hopefully!
Its like doing anything new.
Its like doing anything new. It takes time, at first you will have knee jerk reactions. But if you use self talk to remind yourself why you shouldn't care eventually it becomes automatic.
It's kind of like getting over a bad relationship. At first Thier are lots of emotions, but eventually it's gets easier and if you see that person somewhere and even talk with them you no longer feel anything.
Mine are here 50/50, so I can
Mine are here 50/50, so I can pretend they don't exist lol. But when they are not here I kind of do. I live my life like it's just my kids, DH, and I. I don't really ask about them but if DH brings them up I try to listen without getting invested, kind of like he's talking about a coworker I don't know. Which is hard. I still get upset at times just thinking about them. But I try not to and don't ask too many questions about them, just show support. Then change the subject. I might suggest just asking out of courtesy how the visit was, to not upset DH? Unless they are really horrible and this is too triggering. Maybe you can even try to daydream about something else and not really listen but pretend you are? Might sound crazy but I kind of do this at times when DH talks about his, kind of tune it out for my sanity.
If anything, it helps me to think how relieved I am to have a break from them and that they are not actually there.
At least he’s not attacking you for it.
I started disengaging about a year ago and to hear my wife I've basically abandoned her because I'm refusing to deal with anything involving her ex. Like drop off and pick up and I'm no longer disciplining her kids. She told me I may as well just leave if I don't see them as my kids (after they've told me multiple times I'm not their dad or anything to them).
SO can talk about SD23
But I've told him that he should avoid passing on any of her comments/complaints related to me or our home, as that will upset me and start an argument. But he can talk about whatever else is happening in Bratty McBratFace's life and I try to listen and comment without judgement.
You have to do what works for
You have to do what works for you. It's different for everybody.
Had my SD29 been rude to me, ignored me, or did not respect my relationship with her dad, I would not want to hear anything about her, either.
I don't think it's mean to not tell him to say, "Hi," to her from you, or to not ask about her. Who would want to say, "Hi," to someone who has treated them badly?
It is his own fault that he cannot talk to you, his partner, about his daughter, he should have reined in her behavior a long time ago.
Someday, you might get to a place of true indifference and it doesn't bother you to hear or talk about her. Until then, you do you.
If your partner really wanted to be able to share that part of his life with you, the least he could do is acknowledge that she's rude and entitled, and that her treatment of you is wrong. And, he should tell her that, too.