Are parents expected to remind stepkids not to forget their stuff?
Forums:
I have bio kids. They are tweens/teens. They are expected to remember their things going back and forth from my house their dad's.
My stepkids are tweens/teens. HCBM texts DH telling him to make sure they have all their stuff. He tells them they need to be responsible for their things. They forget and she gets on DH and is mad that "she has to come pick up their things" Well....no you don't. It would be better to teach them consequences than to save them everytime! That's why they keep forgetting!! Am I wrong here??
I think it's a kid by kid
I think it's a kid by kid basis some are more mature than others and can handle the responsibility. If they are at a point where they are mature at least in my experience they will get annoyed with the constant reminders and tell you so.
They get mature by having
They get mature by having accountability for their responsibilities. I think it's absolutely obnoxious that she expects DH to collect the teenager's things to take back to mom. He didn't bring his sweatshirt back either because he threw it in the dirty hamper and didn't wash it. He expected me to do it. These kids are treated like babies. That doesn't fly IB my house.
I think it's crazy that BM is
I think it's crazy that BM is reminding DH to remind the kids - but it is kid dependent. I do think that it's always best to help kids get better at remembering their stuff, for sure. But I'll be honest, I remind my DH about stuff because I'm pretty sure he has ADHD, and I'd rather remind him and have it get done, then not remind him and not have it get done.
We try. We are not going to
We try. We are not going to make sure they have all of THEIR things. They forget it? They get it bach next time. I just can't deal with that level of entitlement. They will be on their own in a matter of no time. Is she going to go to their college and being their books to them in class?? They need consequences for being irresponsible
Probably she will if she can.
Probably she will if she can.
Yep. She calls all their
Yep. She calls all their teachers telling them she expects special privileges for her kids because they are exceptional and all the other kids are jealous of them. She is beyond! I have the emails. I swear I'm not even kidding. She said this!
They probably won't go to
They probably won't go to college - this is all a recipe for Failure to Launch.
I just found things like that
I just found things like that are not worth the emotional energy. Yes your right about the consequences of Thier parents choices. But in reality as steps no one cares what we think.
OSD is going to be 15 and is the most irresponsible of all 3, but if her parents keep enabling her what am I supposed to do about it other than not care.
I don't expect her to be able to hold a job when she 16. But again that's not my problem. SO already knows my stance that when they are adults and can't take care of themselves they are not staying here. I have been honest about that from the beginning.
Well DH and I are on the same
Well DH and I are on the same page. We parent these kids equally in our home. The teenagers are expected to be responsible for their things they want to take back and forth. The issue is HCBM makes an issue and exaggerates literally everything so we have to deal with her. No fun. She's saying sfes coming to get his things since DH couldn't handle it. Omg!
I'd like to see her try ..
I'd like to see her try ...lol. What's she going to do? Kick the door down and rifle through the rooms to find the missing objects?
Don't answer the door. If the
Don't answer the door. If the skids have keys, change to a code lock (they are quite reasonable now) that way they can't enter during BM's time.
You can make a leaving
Check list. What the kids must take to BM home. Ask them to go over check list before they leave. Even adults make check list , as what to take when going on vacation.
That teaches them a technique for used in adult life.
Sometimes they take nothing.
Sometimes they take nothing. Other times they bring a few things. I'm not writing a checklist. Neither is DH. They are teenagers. We can tell them to make a list maybe but we already tell them to collect their things before they go to bed to grab it. But we have 4 kids between us and pets and jobs and my kids are required to tags care of their responsibilities. I'm kind of shocked that people are saying to make teenagers checklists and th help them. I did this when my kids were 6/7 years old. NOT 15! No way.
Why doesn't BM text them
Why doesn't BM text them directly if she is so worried snowflake can't do it on thier own?
I think there are two ways to
I think there are two ways to address this:
1.) Have everything needed at your house so that nothing goes back and forth.
2.) Ignore BM and the kids suffer the consequences.
I don't think there is anything wrong when the kids leave to say "did you grab all your stuff?" or "walk through your room again to make sure you grabbed everything". Additionally, your DH needs to be working with each of his kids to come up with ways to not forget things.
If your house has 90% of the things they need, AND they have worked with their dad to develop a personal system for remembering things, AND there is a general reminder to walk through the room/house, THEN just ignore anything from BM and not worry about what happens in court. If a judge bases a decision on whether a teen remembers to pack their sweater or not, you're not going to win no matter how much handholding is offered.
My skids are younger (5 and 8
My skids are younger (5 and 8), and our normal exchanges take place at the bus stop. All they need to remember is whatever they need for school that day. They have everything else they need at both houses. I can't imagine having to keep track of things going back and forth. The only time we have an issue is during the change of seasons, when two coats might end up at one house. BM would never text DH about this, anyway, because the 5 year old is more likely to keep track of her stuff than DH is. How much stuff is going back and forth that this is a problem?
They do have everything they
They do have everything they need at both houses. They are older so they bring their Nintendo switch and if the come over in a sweatshirt she likes them to wear it back which I do get! They will wear the sweatshirts we have for then here while they are with us but they have left without one so then don't have one at her house. I do understand that! That kind of goes with the territory of them growing up too. There are just some items that are just personal. Also, doing school virtually they have their school laptops which of course they only get one. They left that here too. SS had a bag and DH did ask him if he made sure to pack everything. We asked the night before too. And said "ok you have this and that ready to go?" He said yes. So when DH asked this morning he didn't think to have to go through it all again. SS also barely takes care of his lizard and just expects Dh/me to do it. I absolutely do that because I'm not going to let an innocent animal suffer. But, I think we rehome it. He also doesn't do his laundry. He expects us to cook him simply Mac and cheese. This is an ongoing talk that DH has with him. He's just so handicapped at his mom's house. So, if DH tells him it's unacceptable he cries and tells his mother dad is being mean and she believes him then says it's abuse. Lol!! It's ridiculous. These kids think normal parenting and us expecting then to take care of their responsibility is abusive. She is an alienated too so yeah, it gets tough.
When she texts your dh about
When she texts your dh about the stuff they've forgotten, he should respond with "remind them to bring it back next week, then. " And then block her number for 24hours.
Oh I agree!!! In fact if this
Oh I agree!!! In fact if this was my ex and I the convo would go like this:
Me: "DD left her <whatever> there"
ex: oh well she will have to go without it.
me: Yup. If she misses it she will remember next time.
of course we tell them that we understand they are disappointed but that they need to make sure they have everything they need. They do not ever forget things now except for once in a very great while. I mean we all make mistakes so we give some grace (to all the kids) but it's become a pattern and at that point is when we feel they have to feel the consequences sometimes so next time they remember but nope! She comes swooping on to save the day and teaches them that they do not have to be responsible and it's all dad's fault. Sooooo annoying!!!!
No body is saying you are wrong
Maybe BM should make a list for her kids so she is happy. What will never happen. This is BM trying to control you and your home. This is BM trying to cause drama for you
That depends on the age of
That depends on the age of the kids. Young ones? Yes. Tweens/teens... nope.
Let them suffer the consequences of the irriesponsible choices.
I agree but she ran SS over
I agree but she ran SS over to get his stuff. Of course we weren't going to tell him he can't come in his hone. DH tried to tell him that he needs to be more responsible and that nobody should be going out of their way to get his stuff he forgot. SS said "moms fine with it" and left. Omg. Gross.