Im glad you have a good relationship witj your step-sons.  You have to realize that if someone has found this site, its likely they arent as fortunate as you.   Most of the people on ST want to improve their lives but some of the situations are truly horrific. So, yes, we do sometimes sound bitter.

I think it's interesting that the posts span a variety of responses.  There are people like you who are happy, there are folks looking for specific answers, there are those who are just venting, there are people like me trying to put their experiences in perspective.  I think we can all learn from the universe of ST posts.  Continued good luck!

I had a stepson from a previous relationship who I absolutely adored. I have worked with troubled kids my entire life and they have always over time at the very least been respectful of me.

Never in my life have I experienced what I experience in my current situation. First off I do place 100% responsibility on both parents for Thier children's behavior. 

But that being said, in the beginning I truly went above and beyond to treat SKs exactly the same as DS. To be kind, generous and fair. Over time I gave up on ever trying to have a relationship with them because they are selfish, unappreciative, disrespectful, verbally abusive, self-destructive feral human beings who will never change and only get worse because both parents are more than happy to tolerate thier behavior and make excuses for it.

The difference between the kids I used to work with and SKs is. In my job the parents were happy to let me come in and address the behavior, set limits and enforce them. In steplife, I am expected to coddle and ignore the behavior too, because if I don't that means I don't like them. When the reality is I don't like them because they are unlikeable people and it's not just me being wicked because SKs have been banned from every house they have been to. This is why they have no friends and live in Thier rooms. Other parents are not going to tolerate thier behavior in their homes or influencing their children.

But dumb and dumber over here are more than happy to point fingers at other parents or thier well adjusted kids as being the problem. Just as SO lives to point out every stupid piddly thing DS does. Like spilling juice on the counter and not cleaning it up well as compared to SD failing school or stealing alcohol.

Yep worry about other kids imperfections is definitely going to go a long way in correcting your kids problems. Especially when your comparing apples to oranges.

I don't hate my SS21 but he has never disrespected me - because DH parented him. 
 

There is still plenty of time for your stepkids to turn on you, as many have experienced on this board. And few people in your situation would feel like you, raising someone else's kids with zero authority or help and feeling it's a blessing. If you want kids, adopt some, then you are their real parent. 
 

Check back in a few years and let us know if you still feel so judgy. 

Your last line of your first paragraph says it all: you got lucky.

There are a variety of reasons why SKs become problematic, from parents failing to parent them to Parental Alienation Syndrome to mental illness to SKs making really poor life decisions (e.g. doing drugs, lying, becoming violent - all of which may or may not be tied to mental health).

Don't forget that even parents get fed up with their own kids from time to time. Difficult kids happen, and if they're difficult for the parents, that's doubly true for a SP.

I do think that folks who just find the mere presence of their SK in their lives to be an inconvenience need to be an adult and walk away from the relationship. If someone is going to be hostile about or toward their SK, they just need to move on.

What happens on here many times, though, are folks have been married/together for years and the SKs become problematic as time goes on OR they entered into an already-unstable environment but were ignorant to what was happening until they were already in too deep. It's not easy to leave a relationship once you're deep in it, and especially if you really do love your spouse and they haven't been the direct cause of your pain.

Lastly, don't discount that people have to protect themselves, too. I care about my SSs. I act parental towards them. I think they care about me in return, or they at least respect my position. However, I am not their mother or father. Their mom has gone through several husbands and boyfriends that she pushes the boys to care about equal to her, and that has caused them to pull back some. I can't say I blame them. Even though I'm an adult, it has taken me a while to fully warm up to my dad's GF because he has dated several women (which is fine, they were all nice, and I was kind, but they need to stick around for a while before I will accept them as "family" because that's a bigger investment in my time and resources). 

Anyway, there is a certain line I won't cross, and that the boys won't cross, because we're aware that I'm not their mother and they aren't my children. I don't treat them like they aren't part of my family, and I definitely treat them like kids in my home and not mini-adults (that's shifting for OSS since he is technically an adult now). But we have different roles in each other's lives, and that is perfectly okay. Not being a "bonus mom" and them not being my "bonus children" is a very good place for all of us, and it's not a position I plan on revisiting unless one of them asks me to. Unless one of them breaks out calling me "Mom" one day, I'll stay in my parental-but-not-parent lane.

ETA: Last-last, don't forget that SKs are their own people who may dislike their SP, may dislike stepfamilies, and may have their own axe to grind in regards to their parents splitting up. It's hard to love/like someone who doesn't love/like you back. Young kids are easier because they tend to love/like everyone, but they can grow up and decide that they just don't want the trouble of having to keep a relationship with yet another person. You can't fault SPs for not being engaged or caring about their SKs when the SKs make it clear that they don't want their SP to be involved.

You can't make judgments on (most) folks based on one blog entry or a few responses. New folks come in exploring, and those of us who are veterans on STalk or in steplife can help them find out for themselves what the issue is. Rarely is the problem "I just hate the SKs because they have the audacity to exist". It's usually "I don't know why I don't like them" or "they do these things that make them unlikable". It takes discussion to sort out next steps and what a good solution might be that isn't "well, you should just leave since you can't accept them as your own".

To judge step-parents based on what you see on this site is probably a mistake.  This is a site where people are coming to vent.  Most people came here because they had/have a problem... were looking to blow off steam, get suggestions, get sympathy when in many cases, it is difficult or impossible to get that from their typical support system (parents/spouses/friends).  Because the parents are biased towards their own kids.. and friends and family often have those societal biases that a SP "knew what they were getting into and should love those kids as their own".  (in many ways is so wrong in many cases).

So, when you come to a complaint site.. expect to find more people who are not having the premium experience in steplife.

But then again, as LD said "I do think that folks who just find the mere presence of their SK in their lives to be an inconvenience need to be an adult and walk away from the relationship. If someone is going to be hostile about or toward their SK, they just need to move on."  There ARE people on this board who come here and really are not cut out for steplife.  In many ways, I think that variety is a selfish type of person that wants what they want.. and they really don't care if that means other people are unhappy.  They claim that they have a perfect partenr and if only that pesky child would go away.. they could have the family they want.. These are the posters who angle for every opportunity to avoid having the kid over to the house.. Covid is currently an excuse we have seen used.. They also tend to get pregnant very early in the relationship and then come here stating that they don't want the SK's to have ANYTHING to do with their child.. and they don't want them to have a relationship.. and can't that SK just stop BREATHING?  Those are the cases that make me feel badly for the kids who have parents that are too selfish to protect them from the fallout of living with someone that hates their existance.

But, yeah.. we also have some pretty horrid situations that people here have to deal with.. sometimes there are issues with these kids and parents that are unfixable.. so people compartmentalize to the extent they can.  

I don't hate my Stepkids... they are adults now.. and they are for the most part decent human beings.. I like my younger SD better.. I think she is a more genuinely nice person... but I don't have a huge axe to grind when it comes to them.

With the youngest being 3, i'm guessing you've been at it a few years at most. Maybe you will always feel the way you do now, but if your feelings change, that's ok too. From your posts, you are taking care of 2 stepkids full time, working full time from home, and paying BM full CS.

Please make sure you are also taking care of yourself. Making sure your own needs are met does not make you bad or selfish. If you burn out, you will be no good to anyone else. Hopefully your husband appreciates what you do and won't take advantage. Hopefully he gives you your proper place in your own home. If that's the case, you are better off than most people who post here.

A lot of people posting on this site are tired, desperate, and in need of some compassion. They have been through things that would push anyone to the edge. 

Please do not shame SM's who were not as "lucky" as you. Many of us stepped into stepworld with good intentions. When those intentions are stomped on repeatedly and the SM is made out to be the bad guy,  the word "inconvenience" (of skids) does not remotely cover how the SM feels.

Many SM's spend years bending themselves into a pretzel to try and make the blended work. Only to realize she is the only one who wants it to work. Hence the resentment towards skids who have spent their miserable days planning and manipulating to make the situation intolerable. I am not ignoring the role DH has played to foster this dysfunctional situation, but this post is about the skids.

As many others have stated- none of us started out that way. It took years of being beaten down. Having our skids hate us because their mother taught them to. Having a husband who is too worried about upsetting his precious to ever actually parent. Having our own needs, finances and health sacrificed to do more for kids that aren't ours. Being emotionally (sometimes physically) abused, stolen from, lied to...

Eventually you harden. It isn't that most of us "hate" our stepkids- we just can't bring ourselves to love them anymore. We can't allow that to happen again. 

Considering this is a venting site, I doubt you are going to see many step parents espousing the joys and merriment of step life.
Your story is unique to you and your spouse and step children, as are every other poster on here. Don't try to take away from what they have been through just because you feel it necessary to shame them for using an outlet to air their frustrations. Frustrations they are usually ridiculed for in their own homes by their spouses, family and friends.

I have been a step mom twice....first time with my EX...I still talk and get along with my former SD and my kids half sister. I entered her life at the age of 12 and was there till she was 20.  She is now a thirty something and a sucessfull woman in business.  I'd like to think I had a hand in that.  :) 

I entered my SKids life when they were 5 and 2. I  had my own kids that were 8 and 6.  All was peachy keen till HCBM..aka Beaver decided that my DH was the root of all evil and disappointment in her life and her kids were her weapons of mass destruction.  HCBM made SS her confidant and spy agent.  Everything that was wrong in the world, hers and SS, she told SS was DH's fault for leaving her.  Fall down and hurt your arm..DH's fault for not buying SS better shoes.  Cut your hand...Dh's fault for not giving enough money to supply better knives..you get the idea.  Beaver is alone..DH's fault since he divorced her. 

Fast forward when my DH's first born..SS decided that doing drugs and failing school was a good idea.  This was all backed by Beaver as a way to get back DH for parenting and to use SS as even more of a weapon of mass destruction.  She allowed SS to do as he pleased and everything that went wrong in SS's life was the fault of my DH.  At the age of 16 and half..SS decided to nope out of our lives because well rules ar hard.  Not long after we received many calls and text messages from SS that everything was my fault and thus DH's fault because he won't leave me and go back to Beaver. 

What I'm trying to point out...it is a rare few that enter into a relationship with someone that has kids that doesn't have the best of intentions.  However, there is no guarantee that while it is good now..it will be later.  To judge people here because the don't like their step children is unfair and short sighted.  While it is good now...will it be tomorrow?...you do not know that, it may or it may not be. This applies to just plain parenting period...some days are good some days are bad.  I don't hate my SS or my SD (Dh's youngest) but I certainly do not like what SS has become and what he has done to my DH...who although flawed (as is everyone) is a good man.

Step parenting is not for faint of heart and is very truly a thankless job.  Most people here have put their heart and soul into their skids and their relationships only to have their hearts broken and souls rip out. 

I don't hate my skids, but what I feel for them in no way compares to what I feel for my bio. 

I also acknowledge that I am lucky to have a good relationship with skids.  They're young (5 and 8 ) and I've known them since they were 1 and 4, which helps.  My DH is a crappy parent, but BM is a decent person and parent.  I don't judge, because I know there is no biological bond and skids could turn on me, or the situation could change, over time. There is no way I could love, like or even tolerate some of the skids described on STalk, though. 

You have to understand though, most people don't start out not liking their step kids.  Some do, sure, but not all.  I didn't start out disliking my SS.  Quite the opposite.  I got along well with BM.  DH parented him and backed me up when I did.  I preferred having DH or BM handle things and deferred to them but I had permission from both of them to discipline SS as well.  He lived with me and DH because BM decided she couldn't handle him anymore.  She did have issues with drinking and drugs unfortunately and didn't parent him the way he needed so he became disrespectful to her.  He was also disrespectful to MIL and SIL.  I was the only female that he couldn't run over.  I took care of him, supported him, loved him.  He called me Mom.  Did he annoy me at times?  Yes.  I was admittedly less tolerant or patient with him than I am with my own DS but it is normal to be more patient with your own bio child than anyone else.  I had more patience with SS at the time though, than I did with any other child.  But that does not discount the fact that I loved and still do love SS very much.  Things were good up until a few years ago.  

You'll see stories on here about PAS on the part of usually BM.  My SS is an adult now who actually cut BM off pretty much and she has since passed away.  No, the influence that contributed to our estrangement is his lovely, backstabbing, lying, gossiping beotch of a wife.  She tells lies that drive wedges between people.  Of course if people realized what a liar she is it might not happen but she's very convincing to most folks.  Something seemed off about her and I sensed that she didn't like me, couldn't be trusted, but I blamed an overactive imagination.  Boy did that bite me in the behind.  She brought out the liar in him as well.  He was all, oh you're Mom, my BM wasn't there and you were.  Pretty words but his actions didn't match up.  He thought he could ignore me, make no effort to have a relationship with me, and I would still come around to play grandma to his child.  He expected me to kiss his feet and his child's feet for the privilege of being around them.  Yeah, right.  He isn't obligated to have a relationship with me but he doesn't get any benefits of my presence in his life if he chooses to make no effort.  And he doesn't get to be a presence in the lives of my children either.  No relationship with both parents equals no relationship with the kids.  

Every family is different, every story is different.  

How old are you step kids? How long have you known them? I think everyone on here can attest to situations change. Custody agreements, dynamics with BMs, PAS... it all comes into play the longer you are around. None of us know "what we are getting into". SD10 was a totally different child when I met her 5 years ago. Our custody agreement also changed unexpectedly when BM moved 8 hours closer and decided she wanted to become involved. We also deal with PAS. 

We also come on here to vent. Many SPs don't have close family, friends, etc. in similar situations. It can also be difficult to get an unbiased POV from DHs. I wouldn't assume anything on these boards. 

I don't hate my skids. I came here bc I had a BM problem. I say had bc of this wonderful group BM and her antics have stopped taking up space in my head. 

Define hate.

I was thrilled to have an already made daughter. What a fool I was. So to put it politely to this day I fckng hate that snots guts. She pulled every BS move to break us up. So no she wasnt an inconvenience as you put it, she was a life sucking destroyer. She killed my joy and happiness with dear daddios blessing. I only wish her what she gave me. May she be a SM to a fckg mini wife. May she spend years in therapy trying to figure out why the hell does the SD hate her so much. May she never trust again. AND may her daddy leave BM again! LOL  and marry a SM who is a raging b*tch and treats her tens times worse.

Guess I am in a bad mood today, but this post rubbed me wrong.

You need to spend more time reading on this site. A LOT more time. While it's true that some are not cut out for steplife and should never be in a relationship with one who has children with former partner(s), there are plenty of us who were looking forward to being one-big-happy-extended family.

I was previously married and have 3 former stepkids - we're still in contact, have good relationships, and I am "grandma" to their children. Not only was I fully prepared to embrace my current DH's kids and HIS stepkids, I also encouraged him to try for custody of the two youngest. If skids coming to live with a person's partner is a hill to die, then steplife is not for them.

I do not and never have hated my stepkids. I have not always likes their behavior and that is a YUGE difference. I don't always like the behavior of family or friends or coworkers, but in NO way does that mean I hate them.

Please realize that plenty of those who come to STalk are at wit's end. It's not a simple case of "my SO/partner/spouse's won't go to bed on time. Some of the most horrific things I've seen here: stepsiblings sexually molesting stepsiblings. 

Again, please do more reading. The majority are not here because Susie and Jimmy won't eat broccoli or go to bed at 8pm.

Should be required reading for anyone who wants to date a person with children.