Blatantly honest post about steplife
I know this isn't PC. And will probably get some hate. But whatever, I need to vent since it has to be locked up inside normally.
The crap with BM this morning really brings up the feelings of resentment about steplife. Theres zero upside or benefit for to having stepkids. When I first met DH I thought it was great that he had a kid the same age as mine. That is no longer an upside since not only is she awful to other kids, but after they started school I realized attending my sons school events meant having to also deal with BM instead of just watching like a normal parent.
If DH hadn't had her we could have the exact same life that we do now, except better. It wouldn't be perfect, no. But when SD is gone and there's been no communication from BM life is overall more peaceful and enjoyable. Having to deal with steplife is just a ton of added burden with basically no upside. I mean, I hate MIL but even she is necessary in that DH couldn't exist without her.
I definitely 100% resent BM (and I know she feels the same, since me showing up was the end of DHs being her doormat). And on a logical level I know I shouldn't resent DH since I also made stupid choices as a teenager, but I do sometimes really start to get angry towards him about this even being a part of our lives.
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Uhh yes you should resent
Uhh yes you should resent your DH...his childs behaviour, the crap he allows BM and MIL to get away with is solely on him. He puts no boundaries in place, flounders around with a sheepish "awe gee honey." and then leaves you to clean up the messes. He needs to grow a pair and put some firm boundaries in place rather than trying to placate all the "women" in his life. Just think if you two divorced he would be the same way with you that he is with his ex and mother...no boundaries, your kids would be allowed to run feral at his house, etc.
Even when all that stuff is
Even when all that stuff is better though- when it comes down to it I just hate being a stepparent. Even if she's behaving, even if BM is kept in her place its still going to be a burden in some ways. I have my own kids so there's no "oh fun a kid around!" even if she's behaving.
I suppose I'm also angry at myself for agreeing to be part of this.
I get the resentment of BM
I get the resentment of BM and SD, because it's their actions and words that are so unpleasant. But, as the other poster said, if your DH had "handled his business", you wouldn't have been exposed to as much of their crap. Yeah, BM will resent you because you showing up was the end of your DH being her doormat. But he let himself be her doormat! He didn't have to. If he had made space for you before you were dating, it would have been a lot easier for you. It should never be your job to fight your husband's ex or daughter for your place in his life or home.
I get that. There really is
I get that. There really is no upside. The steps cost money, child support, stress of BM, always having your life revolve around their schedules... it just sucks.
Don't beat yourself up. You are right. It is ok to be angry at the situation sometimes. Just don't let that anger and resentment take from your happiness either.
Yes, 100%. Very rarely are
Yes, 100%. Very rarely are there "pros" to step-life. Especially when custody is shared (50/50 here) it is so easy to imagine how things would be without SKs. On weeks with SD, DH has to constantly get on her about something... nagging her to complete school work, pick up after herself, etc. etc. Just her whole presence is a downer. She complains and is negative towards every situation. She does not pass the "good vibes only" check and honestly, takes most the fun out of everything. DHs back and forth with BM is always annoying for him too. Changing pick up times last minute, extra days, etlc. Not fun for anyone to deal with and equally annoying when DH complains about his ex too. Resentment definitely comes when you feel like you are paying for your DHs past mistakes. And when HIS mistakes are effecting you still to this day. Anyone would feel the same. Don't feel bad about it.
When it is just DH and I, it's so different. No negativity from SD. No nagging ex-wife. No constantly giving a 10 year old reminders that knows better, but just lazy. We actually focus on being a couple. It's nice
My DH handled all of the crap
My DH handled all of the crap with BM and SS reasonably well, as well as anyone could under the circumstances; but hell yes our lives would have been much better without either of them in it. For me, anyway. And I know that considering how SS has turned out, DH also wonders if he'd have been better off without accidentally knocking up BM 21 years ago (of course, if he hadn't, we never would have met).
I don't think you need to feel bad about feeling resentful, but it can eat you up to feel bitter like that - so figuring out how to live with it (or not!) is the key.
SD was also from an
SD was also from an accidental pregnancy and DH has regretted it since the day he found out. I think some of his overcompensating actually comes from not wanting that feeling to show through. I doubt he'll every be able to have much of a real relationship with her unless he wants to get treated like crap for the rest of his life because she's BMs exact double.
Yes I agree, I do need to figure out how to live with it.
Once my DH found out she was
Once my DH found out she was pregnant (and after she said she didn't want an abortion), he committed himself to being a good parent, and he tried to make it work with BM. I have no doubt he regrets knocking up BM, but he didn't regret SS until he's gotten older. And like you said he will never have much of a real relationship with SS because he too is BM's exact double.
Thankfully, mine didn't do any of the babying or Disney Dad crap, so that's made it easier for me.
This site is for people to
This site is for people to come and vent. I wouldn't worry a bit about what other people think about your blog. If they have a problem it is their's. I understand how hard it is to deal with BM. School events are difficult because she will be there. It does take some of the joy out of it. What I can tell you is as they get older things can get better. And I will say it again "can". It depends on your relationship with the child. For now I get what you are feeling. Recognize that some step moms feel the same and you are not alone.
The long-term view
Im 75 and BM & SM to 5. I wont go thru all the hell we endured, its in my blogs. I think there is one upside to being a stepparent. When you go through it all with DH, it CAN bring you very close. Im thinking its analogous to a couple who climbs Everest together, or who lives through a terrifying illness.
Also, here at the end of the tunnel, things have calmed down. Both troublesome exes have passed, the kids are all in their 50's and living their own karma. SD59 is still a pain but we have negotiated a way to handle it.
Life is good if you can stick it out. Good luck.
I sure hope you're right
I sure hope you're right about the upside. I can't wait til she's grown and there's no reason to deal with BM anymore. Heck, even a few years when she can stay home alone so BM isn't so desperate to get rid of her (hopefully).
I can't help but laugh at
I can't help but laugh at comparing steplife to climbing Everest or living through a terrifying illness!
Yeah I sometimes wonder if
Yeah I sometimes wonder if step life just isn't what nature intended and in most cases shouldn't be attempted. Granted there are cases where parents actually parent, keep exes in line and aren't guilty bio parents. Those situations work out pretty good. I lived separately from my boyfriend while we raised our kids. It was still a nightmare.
Yeah I feel the same. Its
Yeah I feel the same. Its just not a good situation all around. Having a kid with the wrong person completely alters the course of your life.
Yup...i agree 110%. People
Yup...i agree 110%. People really need to be more particular about who they procreate with. Unfortunately my boyfriend had 4 kids with someone who turned out to be an idiot and a raging alcoholic. I prayed and hoped to meet someone who didn't have kids. Unfortunately it never happened and at my age in my area I'm certain it never will. Honestly staying in my previous marriage would have been better. At least it was just US...no ex or step kids...in laws favoring the ex and skids. It wasn't perfect and I wasn't 100% happy but geez, it was great compared to this step bullshit.