Is it possible to remain married and never see minor SS?
Long post...last paragraph will give you the jist if you want to cut to the chase. Told my DH yesterday that I don't want to spend any time with my SS ever again (until further notice). Not because I don't love my SS or my DH, but because I realize my love doesn't matter much and isn't respected (keep reading), and the biggest stressor in my life at this point is the stepfamily dynamic, and I need to protect my bios and self from the toxicity. All of this is in response to DH's and BM's actions over time, which I see largely shape my SS's behaviors, and which have just been disrespectful to me. I started out gung-ho with this SM business. Really treated SS with same love and attentive care as my own.
Since finding out about a joint checking account hidden from me and lied to me about by my DH with BM, I have had far less tolerance for their child. My BS has expressed discontent for months with SS, and I've insisted on compassion and patience since he is a COD, and he isn't parented well, in my opinion. Also, there are good times, and they do have fun together on many occasions. Well, SS started hitting my pregnant belly in August or so, and has hit BS in past, too. Not enough to cause injury, but still, at 10, no. My son is 10 also, and lays hands on no one. SS throws temper tantrums on the regular and literally will lie down on the ground if he doesn't get his way or is asked to pick up trash he left on the floor, etc. I get the sense he just does what he wants at BM's, and I know that DH is not structured enough with him, too. Doesn't hold him accountable for much, unless I ask him to. Example: SS was chewing gum and it fell out of his mouth or he spit it onto floor (idk for certain which), and then he just kept walking, left it right where it fell out of his mouth. DH went to pick up the gum, and I was like, he's 10, he picks up the gum and throws it in the trash, not you. Example: SS lied (has done so more than once), but once quite obviously, and DH didn't have any consequences, just told me SS insists he didn't do the behavior and gave him a talk about the importance of not lying, but never held him to it, like we know you lied, you need to apologize, be grounded, whatever, nothing.
So, I totally disengaged about 2 months ago. Didn't even see my SS for close to that amount of time. Stayed elsewhere while SS and DH spent time together. Before this, I tried working with SS, and there was some progress made on some fronts. But I've just come to why bother if bios don't and my intentions are undermined or just not supported? Example:I taught SS how to tie his own shoes, and yet they still never buy him shoes with laces. The pair with laces I bought for him with my own money have never been put on again once since BM was told SS learned how to tie shoes. SS is no longer proud of his accomplishment, and shoes never used again and now outgrown. Add to this sort of dynamic the betrayal I felt when I found out about the account, it became a no tolerance situation for me. It really woke me up to the reality I face. Two people who seem like lazy parents who undermine my efforts on behalf of their child and lie to me on top of that? Uh, no. I don't have the marriage I want on many fronts due to the previous family. Example: I no longer have any accounts with my DH. We now just go even stevens on everything with totally separate accounts, which means expenses need to be tallied and divided every month, a time suck, and not what I was expecting: a united front in all areas of my marriage. Also getting a postnup at advice of financial attorney. So these issues have gotten expensive, in additon to marital counseling, which is not cheap.
Outside of the previous family issues, my DH and I are extremely compatible and loving, but um, that's a whole lot of baggage to contend with, even if no other major issues. We have many happy memories, and we have taken our kids on many wonderful and enriching adventures. My DH is good with my son, but I do the majority of real parenting there. I feel mostly confident we'll be on the same page with our bio. I might need to give him reminders and such, but I think he'll be supportive, and I think he respects my way of parenting, just hasn't done the same with SS and now it's tough to reprogram with that one.
Because of my bios and beliefs about marriage, and because I love my DH, I've decided to remain with my DH. I am seeing changes on my DH's part, which gives me hope, but then more annoyances and hurts happen, and the trust I've been rebuilding with DH falters. Spent a weekend with the whole family last weekend, and some of the usual happened, and I realized after SS left, and I felt so relieved, that I just don't have the threshold for this stuff right now. What are my options? Separate? Grin and bear it? Go back to total disengagement, like no contact whatsoever? I told DH latter. Is this even realistic? Has anyone ever done this on here? I missed my SS not seeing him for so long, but I was able to start healing some of the hurts with my DH and got to feeling peaceful again the last two weeks. After this past weekend, I feel chaos and distress and been crying, etc. It hurts my DH that I feel this way, so that is not positive for our relationship, and he says this will break SS's spirit, my total absence. All of my options feel terrible, and I feel like a fool for being so blind earlier, but here I am now. Just gotta determine and make the least destructive decision and move forward.
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Comments
What utter tosh! Your absence
What utter tosh! Your absence will break the brat's spirit?! In what world? Your DH has a very vivid imagination if he thinks that.
My suggestion is that you ask your DH to take his visitation with his son somewhere else or that you move out to your own place. There are others on here who have done this. If that's what it takes to save your marriage, that's what it takes.
Thank you for your replies all!
I am going to take some time now to reply individually to some.
Your first priority is
Your first priority is yourself, your second priority is your kids. Yes, in that order, because you can't be a good mom to them if you are a stressed out mess. Your marriage might be third, that's up to you - but SS's "spirit" isn't even on the list.
I know I probably couldn't make it work - unless he sees SS outside the home, but even then, I'd still be forever thinking about what a lousy parent he is and how he won't even parent better in order to save his marriage to me. But you seem to have deeper feelings about staying in a marriage, and since you have a bio together, I can see why.
Yes
Thank you for the acknowledgment and reminder. Our marital counselor has been very firm with DH about stepping up in terms of the parental duties, and DH has told marital counselor he sees that his parenting is problem, and he will work on it. DH is taking specific steps towards change, some I witnessed firsthand, and I did see a difference this past weekend. SS behaved better, and absolutely no hitting occurred, but some of the same issues were there. So, improvement, but not 100% recovery. But at this point I just don't trust this is as permanent change or trust that it will change completely to my liking. And it was stressful to just be in SS presence, so I feel this is the only option for now. And even if my DH does 180, there is always BM's parenting to contend with. And you are right, he should see SS outside the home. I shouldn't have to leave my home.
What the actual fk?! His poor
What the actual fk?! His poor broken spirit for not being able to see you? For not being able to beat your PREGNANT belly some more?!
SS is the symptom of the
SS is the symptom of the problem. Not having to see SS won't fix your trust issues with your DH. It won't stop him from lying or having secret bank accounts or whatever else he comes up with. In fact, making SS "disappear" and be even more of an enigma is likely only going to fuel your feelings of DH being secretive, further hurting trust in him.
Your compatibility with your DH isn't as good as you think it is if he has resorted to lying to you, gaslighting you, and not taking MASSIVE steps to change to reduce stress in his PREGNANT wife.
This isn't me telling you to leave your DH or scrap your marriage. This is me telling you that you're focusing on the wrong problems. Yes, SS is a problem - a problem fed by your DH's inability to parent. Instead of taking the lead and parenting his son in a way that is both good for his son and your marriage, he'd rather you bury your head in the sand the same way he has, and he'll manipulate you through his own child to get what he wants. His wants hurt you both.
This all exists before I even touch on the violent tantrums that SS throws. That would be enough for me to tell DH visitation happens outside the home, always, and you and your children won't be exposed to the violence. If he won't take visitation out of the home, then you need to either kick him out or move out. It's not fair to your son to be hit and yelled at in order for you to keep a husband.
Disengagement can work in the short term, but you have much deeper and bigger issues to tackle OUTSIDE SS that threaten your marriage more so than SS does.
^^^^
^^^^
This.
You have a DH problem not an SS problem. SS absence may mask the problem but it won't fix it. Your DH has sacrificed you on the alter to the sacred first family. DH lies to you, does not parent and allows his son to hit you and yours without consequence. Best of Luck to you.
Advice Taken
Step 1: Will let DH know that visitation needs to happen outside of our home. To be fair, my SS doesn't yell, but that's just a technicality. Hitting, yes.
Step 2: TBD, I need time to process.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Pfffht please "break SS's
Pfffht please "break SS's spirit!" what your DH is really saying is "If you don't see my son, then I am left to parent him all on my own and that's hard and I don't like it!"
Your DH is a totally useless parent, he does nothing to help his child be a better person, and hiding money from you....that's huge!
I know you want to fight for your marriage, but honestly your DH doesn't even trust you enough to share with you basics like finances. Lying about money is a guilty Disney Dad trait.
Yes, I guess you could say he is a Disney Dad, ugh
So if we separate, then our bio is raised by Disney Dad half the time. See this aspect of my dilemma? I think my DH is this way with parenting, because he has modeled after BM, who was a mother prior to their bio, and because he has guilt over failure of the family. Doesn't make it right, but he is opening his eyes to some of this, and he respects my way of parenting and has started emulating some of my ways that are healthier than his, in my opinion. But change is hard and not always fast, so I'm trying to figure out how long to give this. In the meantime, I don't want to be around anymore.
Yes, the hiding was huge, which is why I chose to separate finances completely. He is the one with serious financial problems, not me. He hid stuff from me that was damning to him, and that had to do with his ex. I think simply because he didn't want to rock boat with her, and he wouldn't take a stand with her until I forced him to. I distrust him, not the opposite at all. Am I seeing this incorrectly? He contributes his fair share, and me mine. His financial problems have cleared up quite a bit since we have married, and that has nothing to do with my contributions, my attention to budgeting and his following this somewhat, but not my actual contributions. I think it has mostly to do with behaviors that were centered around catering to ex, plus better job income now. He would go back to joint accounts in a heartbeat if I asked. That was totally my choice. He would even fully support me financially if I asked and said I want to be a SAHM or whatever, but I am keeping my finances separate at this point and maintaining employment. There is just not enough trust on my part. I need to maintain my independence and financial security, just in case.
Thank you for the validation!
Same boat
I know exactly how you are feeling, my bf has lied about bm so many times in the past and has took up for her so many times. He dont pay for anything for ss or our daughter or new baby due in 7 weeks. I bought everything for back to school for our house and I was the horrible person because I bought my bio 3 in school vans ans not ss. In reality I had bought him nikes the year before and they wasn't good enough yes his words. I was told by bio mom I needed to let him pick them out she has only him, needless to say if I buy him anything all 3 of them be the ss and bf should be grateful. I get what your saying so much. Its like you never feel good enough or appreciated for all you do. Thing is im not married and I own my home and I need to tell bf that ss can't come back he needs to just do visits with him. Long story but im working on how to approach it the right way. I have to keep my other kidssafe and away from ss and his toxic behavior. Im here if you need to talk.
Why are you buying anything
Why are you buying anything for a child who isn't yours and, worse, why are you allowing that kids parents to dictate what you should buy?! Stop this immediately! They want brand name stuff for their kid, they foot the bill!
Clue: your SS isn't your problem ...
Reply
Thanks for the advice. Honestly I was trying to not make differences in kids but like original poster I think our issues are deeper than just step kids.
Totally Agreed
I stopped this completely when disengagment started. Told my DH I will no longer cook (SS required different meals than family due to pickiness) or grocery shop for SS, either, or laundry, even though I mostly take care of these things for the family, and it's not a big deal to just throw in SS's stuff to the mix or to put frozen chicken nuggets in the oven, but it's the principal of the matter at this point. Made the mistake of cooking lunch for SS over the weekend, asked him what he wanted (he's picky, eats lousy, and is always sick and is overweight btw, and is used to going out to eat for most meals), then SS says he doesn't feel like eating the exact thing he asked for now after it's made. DH let him eat cookies instead. Whatever. Ok, will never go back on my word again to no longer do these things for SS. Did them in the first place, because I genuinely love SS, and in general, I try to be a thoughtful person and decent parent and wife.
Thank you so much!
Good luck to you!
run you have a dh problem.
run
you have a dh problem.
wow a checking account
He has a secret checking account with BM and you didn't completely loose it ? I would have had a shit fit of EPIC porportion.
I get pissy when BM calls right before pick up or drop off to ask for gas money, didn't he just give you $400 in f*** me money , I mean child support. DH actually gets upset with me when I tell him to ask for it back or take it out of her next months CS. He never does.
I use to love my SS but things have changed with him as her gets older, I felt closer to him when I first met him when he was 5. He now seems to have this mentality that BM can do no wrong and at times seems resentful that he has to come to visit us. My SS is also a pick eater mainly becasue BM doesn't cook and he is use to fast food. We don't eat a lot of fast food, we try to have a family dinner night which he seems to enjoy. Sundays are now rushed and I am always on edge becasue of BM and her lack of being able to tell time. I am planning to speak to a professional becasue I feel that my stress and anxiety on weekends is way out of control, I am hoping for some serious anxiety meds.
Thank you
I'm sorry you are in a similar boat as me, feeling stress and anxiety over this. We always eat together as a family, too, mostly at home. The only time we have fast food is when we need food fast, lol. Not so with BM or DH, when I am not on the scene. I used to feel very close to my SS, too, still do, but things are strained for me now, due to BM's and DH's behaviors, and SS's behaviors, which I see as influenced by theirs. It's sad. Thanks for the validation about the account. When I initially discovered it, I was really sad and felt so betrayed. I talked to my DH about it, and he said he would close it. I took his word for it, because I trusted my DH. Well, the account never got closed, and I found out months later it was still open. DH said BM dragged her feet on it, he couldn't just close it on his own, all sorts of excuses. Told me again that it would be closed. A poster on here helped me to recognize that I really needed to look into all this stuff further, and many people said this stuff was not normal behavior, even for coparents. End result, account is now closed, and I demanded proof that my husband no longer has any accounts there with his name on them (in written form). It's ridiculous. As I think a lot of people on here feel and experience, we get second best to first family.
I can not understand the pickey eater thing
You cook what you normally cook. If SK don't like it it's up to your SO to either make the kids eat it, or cook for them. Not your problem.
I hope you have a good marriage counselor, because your DH has many problems. Remember he always picks the easiest way. So if you are harder to him then BM. You will win.
Good Points
Be harder than BM, never thought of it like this. Thank you.
So he is married to you but
So he is married to you but maintained bank accounts with BM? What for? He was sharing his income with BM? So it wasn't like college fund account for SS or anything?
I don't think you have SS issue. The issue is DH.
Not a college fund
SS gets Ds at school, elementary school. They don't stress education. Account was solely for SS expenses, so was told to me. I have no idea what was going on with that account, never saw statements or anything. But a joint account should be my role with my DH, not his ex, right? Told my DH I am your wife now, not her. Their son's expenses can be dealt with in many other ways. What if she was overdrawing the account or doing other nonsense that gets tied to my DH? His credit is already horrible, I am beginning to think due to her. In any case, I think my DH just trusts her way too much, and is way too accomodating. Account was finally closed, I had to push that, but it still hurts so badly that he would keep this from me, then maintain it to appease her or just not get into a confrontation with her, then our relationship suffers. I am a committed loyal and loving wife, so he needs to figure this out and fast. Does he want to be single and cowtow to someone who left him, quickly remarried an old flame and broke up their family, who he met while she was still legally married to her previous DH, btw, or does he want to have an awesome life with someone who loves him deeply and is committed to him? I'm giving him some time to figure out how to draw lines with this stuff from his past, but only if I see change continuing to occur.
The shared bank account -
The shared bank account - what was it used for? Did they both contribute equally to this?
If someone, ANYONE, punched my pregnant belly, my instant reaction would be to punch them back. I'm not sure how you restrained yourself.