Your situation sounds just like mine. It's so sad. I think mine may even be worse.  Just nuts and hopefully soon to be step mom's or anyone dating someone with kids see's this.  Seems that 98% of these cases are similar.  

If you haven't left yet, then I hope you find the strength to.  I was with mine for almost 12 years and just recently made him leave about a month ago and even though I miss him sometimes I don't miss the situation.  I have my freedom, I don't have to worry about taking care of him and his entitled spoiled daughters and never feel appreciated for it, etc.  It's just not worth it. 

Again, almost 12 years and I held off cause I thought it would get better. Nope, never did. Just worse! Can you imagine?

Do yourself a favor hun.  Life is way too short!

Yuck!

These are  things my husband did at the very beginning but I snapped him out of it or worked to fix. If he hadnt I would have left. I'm also adding a few things I've seen on this site:

Hiding conversations with the ex or with skids

Sending money no questions asked

Poor finances due to overspending to try to buy the Skids love

Having an unfinished divorce process, or not even initiated it

Still has memoribilia from the first marriage and is resistant to getting rid of it

Paying BMs bills

Making the SM or GF do more parenting or childcare than him

Encouraging the skids to trash talk their BM (this goes both ways, they will trash talk him to her!)

Nothing fun is allowed to happen if the skids aren't around

Overly defensive and picks fights if you so much as mention his kids. He acts like he's protecting them from you

He wants you to spend your money on his kids or tries to talk you into paying for a bigger place to fit them all.

He assumes all of your stuff is free reign for the kids

HE COSLEEPS WITH HIS KIDS

OMG the co-sleep! My exH slept with his 12 year old till she was about 12.  If not in the same room, on the couch  next to each other.  This was every other weekend and I lost it and he said he would sleep with his daughters if they were 25!! How twisted and sick is that shit! And yes on all of the above!

For enmeshment with BM: Lots of unscheduled communication. Disorganized or no custody schedule. He and BM lingering in each other's houses for longer than it takes to transfer the kids. Joint anything with BM.

Mini wife: Cosleeping. No follow through for rules, chores, or requests. Feeling the need to buy them things every time they are together. Can't say no. Lots of lap-sitting or snuggling or "hanging" past puberty. Letting a child make decisions adults usually make. No boundaries or physical privacy. That "ick" feeling. 

I echo all of SeeYouNever's list but the 3 main indicators I missed were:

1.  Over-indulged SD with lavish things (horse, nrw sports car as examples)

2.  Didn't hold SD to any behavior standards and didn't give consequences for bad behavior

3.  Made excuses for EVERYTHING

These were major in the beginning and if I hadn't noticed changes, I would have definitely broke it off. 

Red Flags for SD:

1. co sleeping until she was 8. We had to sit down and talk about the inappropriateness because he was so clueless. 

2. letting a child make decisions for everyone around them. I'll never forget one time (about 5 years ago) he asked where I wanted to go for dinner. BBQ or Mexican. I said BBQ. Then he immediately said, "Actually do you mind Mexican? _____ won't eat pork." UM WHAT? Why tf did you ask if a 5 y/o is going to make the ultimate decision? The amount of influence this 5 y/o had when we first dated was absurd. 

3. never saying "no". Dads with the inability to say no to their precious daughters. Never being able to put a foot down. Even on little things. DH now knows his famous phrase "We'll see..." will get him the look. 

The first two have MAJORLY improved and the last one is still a work in progress. If I were just starting dating someone though, I would definitely be on the lookout. 

Red Flags for BM:

1. Being a doormat. Accomodating requests for absolutely everything. No CO in place or just not following it. 

2. Unnecesssary communication. Took a bit for me to realize that they should NOT be talking about personal matters. Period. It should only be about the kid and only business like. 

3. Pretending happy family still. Outings together, planned activities, etc. Only leads to confusion for everyone involved as a "what are we?" Also leads into resentment from BM when those things stop. 

All the red flags mentioned I had going on except for the mini-wife, but there are several things that we are still working on, but that have VASTLY improved:

1. Enmeshement with BM:

- Separated-not-divorced. It took him a full year and a half. Why? Because financially he was in a bad place and he knew that she would take as much as she could with child support and alimony.

- Before we began a monogamous relationship fully, they were still going out socially, dancing and concerts. He took me out to a weekend festival - I was Friday and she was Saturday.

- She would somehow worm her way inside the house he moved her out of (daughters key) and drink and then spend the night because she drank.

- She cried poor me, and he would drop off groceries. For children. That she would eat.

- He worked on her car "to keep things nice".

- In the beginning of our relationship he shared intimate details, to somehow "prove" that nothing was wrong with him, and that it was all her...yeah...

2. SD #1 Feral Forger - she was a sort of mini-wife but covert. She was described as "hard". Difficult doesnt begin to cover it. He described how she was very mean to him. She was very disrespectful and defiant to everyone, but I had the worst time dealing with her. When I basically moved in, she would get offended when I changed things. It was just me. When her father changed things nothing was said. When I requested she do her dishes I was ignored. When I requested that she not have the dog in her bed, I was ignored. She caused DH and I to fight a LOT.

She now lives exclusively with her mother. And they fight. and she is disrespectful, jobless and no drivers license.

3. SD #2 Munchkin. Shes very sweet, but shes 14 and either talks incessantly or is cooped up in her room. She doesnt excercise and doesnt do any chores besides clean the rabbit cages. She is respectful but she looks just like her mother. And is very overweight. She tries to dictate things SOMETIMES not always, and occasionally she pouts when she doesnt get her way or we tell her "no" on something.

As to red flags: The divorce not completed was the BIG red  flag. That should have stopped me at the gate. The stories of the BM, Toxic Troll should have told me what I was going to have to deal with, still, 6 years later. The SD's well, DH doesnt see half the things wrong that I do. And I have no bios, so I would not have known what to expect.

This site and reading other's experiences over time was a life-saver!

1.  Biggest red flag is the mere fact that there IS a daughter!  It is notoriously much more difficult when a divorced man has a daughter.  I'd say try to avoid any man who has a daughter, no matter her age.  (Even middle-aged daughters are known to cause incredible problems.)

2.  If the daughter is a teen she will most likely NEVER accept you. Psychologically, this is a very difficult time for girls and the entry of a new woman/sexual partner into her father's life will roil her pubescent brain to the boiling point.  Be warned!

3.  Watch how your man speaks about his daughter. If he thinks she walks on water, is a delicate flower he must always protect, his "baby", his "best friend" etc. (especially if he has son(s) he does not speak this way about) then you may have trouble brewing ahead in the form of a mini-wife. I would proceed with a great deal of caution before entering a committed relationship.

4. The biggest red flag is YOUR own mindset! If you try to reason away these kinds of problems in the beginning, thinking they will get better with time, you are deluded.  If you cannot, or will not, listen to your gut instincts and use the excuse "but he's the greatest man in the world" you are setting yourself for a lifetime of heartache and probably financial problems.  Get your mind straight - you can live without this man, and without his malicious daughter quite well.  Walk at the first sign of a big waving red flag!

I think the biggest red flag in any relationsihp is how your partner reacts when you come to them with an issue that you are having or something that you feel needs adjusting. 

A good partner listens and acknoldges that their partner deserves to feel comfortable. They discuss the matter calmly or takes time to think things over separately if they find the discussion difficult initially. They may state why they do things their way but they will acknoldege that the feelings of their partner matter. They will discuss possible solutions and compromises with thier partner to find one that is acceptable to both. They will implement the solution/compromise and conisstently stick with it. If it doesn't solve the issue they will be willing to try something else.

A bad partner has no room for compromising. Is not interested in adjusting their life to a new partner's comfort. They dismiss their partners opinion and claim that there is no problem. They will not accept that things could be done differently. Their way is the best and only way. They will turn the issue around to be the new partner's fault. They may say the right things and make the right promises but fail to follow through or give up at the first hurdle. 

Red Flags...

Ex-Wife: General lack of boundaries

- His desire to still be relevant to her: sharing events of his life like medical info, new job, our relationship , etc. 

- Sending her flowers on Mother's Day and birthday cards. 
- Doing work around her house. 
- Being her on-call nanny during her parenting time. 
- Allowing her to change the child support amount without discussion or court order. 
- Referring to her and the kids as his family still. 
- Being allowed in each others' houses.

The sadder thing was that she could care less about him. He wanted so bad to still be cared about by her and she only interacted with him to co-parent or when she needed to use him for daycare or house chores. 
 

SD: (some of these may overlap)

- Lack of boundaries and respect by SD.

- The favoritism of SD over his other child. 

- The household running around SD's moods, preferences and extra curricular activities.

- Minimizing her poor behaviors and not holding her accountable (she's just sensitive, she's just a little girl).

- Overindulged. Too many toys/clothes, too many extra curriculars, overfed to the point of obesity.

- Coddling SD every time she cried regardless of how ridiculous. 
- How emotionally affected ex was by SD when she rejected him. 
- How starry-eyed he was over her. 
- How he was basically on-call for her regardless of time of day or night. 

Anytime I meet a guy with kids now, especially a daughter, I take a solid pause and monitor closely. 

... I will opine anyway. I suspect that some of these problems are independent of the spawn's sex.

I have come to believe that no one should consider a partner who has children under 18. Life is too short for the grief blending families will bring. Considering someone with spawn 18+? If they haven't launched, run fast, run far.

DH has only the one son, and per the CO only had him every other weekend. (When he turned 18 and the CO expired, we also got stuck with him for a couple of endless summers and one nightmarishly long semester break.) But even with this relatively light load, mistakes were made and misery was endured, because I ignored the red flags. To wit:

Red Flag 1. DH had not yet initiated divorce proceedings when we met. I did not find this out until years into our marriage, and when I did, many things suddenly became clear. Do not allow this to happen to you. Ask directly, and then investigate and verify.

Red Flag 2. During our first year together, DH said to me, and these both are direct quotes, "My son will always come first" and "I worship my son."

Twenty years on, with much grief and many battles behind us, DH and I get along, and I guess we're mostly happy. SS is launched and seldom darkens my doorstep. I ignore his existence as much as possible. BM and her games are but dim memories. It was damned hard to get here, even though I was advantaged to be playing with chips that a lot of women do not have: A little, and I do mean a little, bit of property and money; a profession; and a whole lot of chutzpah.

So here we are now. We've achieved a kind of peace, but I will never fully trust DH. Unless SS spawns, which I doubt will happen any time soon if at all, the worst is behind us. But in small ways DH continues to confirm that my ongoing distrust is warranted. I still suffer from some degree of SS-related PTSD, and it doesn't take much to set me off.

I'm not sure I would do it again, and my advice to anyone considering it is: DON'T.

I can only speak for older teenagers/younger adults SDs but for me it would be:

1. Mood changes like depression, mopiness in DH after interacting with SD

2. Behavioural changes in DH whilst dealing with SD - extra bounciness, voice changes, stting with legs wide apart, boasting in a way that makes you think he is trying to impress her

3. Favoring one over the other where there is more than one daughter and treating his daughter completely differently to his son, e.g. extra excitement when the special daughter gets in contact rather than the other

4. Where you get the sense that there is an unnatural pining for the daughter, like puppy love

Som of the other posters' red flags have me really worried!

Much of this has changed but honestly the resentment is still so strong because I let it go for too long.....there are days I don't know if I will ever get over it....

-ending a phone or in person conversation because BM or skids call. Literally racing to the phone no matter what.

-having to keep secrets on any news that is exciting until daddy tells skids first.

- not being able to take a vacation unless skids go. I wanted to go to Disney once while BM had skids on vacation and my ex had my kids on vacation....DH said nope it's unfair to skids (I will never get over this one)

- being at the skids beck and call...cut my food...get me a drink....get me a towel....

the list could go on and on 

People will see what they want to see when they meet a "hot single dad" who is the "love of their life" and their "soul mate."  Unfortunately our biology leads us to believe that since this man successfully created a healthy offspring and has stayed around to father it then he will do the same for our current kids or future offspring.  Men walk by with a baby and all the women cream themselves.  The issue is that the man has been busy spreading his seed and is already feathering other nests thus won't have the enery or resources to properly take care of our nest.  We believe the lies that he tells when we're in his bed and the hormones take over. Our eggs, even the old dusty ones are screaming YES! We think we will be his new queen all the while he is scoping out a new sex partner who will share in the caring of HIS obligations and offspring.  

It can work if you are keen to the game.  Doesn't matter if the child is male or female.  I had many of the same issues with an adult ss. Female skids can take it a step further with the constant physical affection and dressing scantily in front of daddy to keep his attention.  Many COD relationships border on incest due to the void created by the former spouse.  It's easy to blame the kid but remember it's the parent who put them in that position.  No child should have to be responsible for their parents emotional and physical well being.  

Red flags?

• If they are a divorcee at all. 
• If they take ZERO responsibility for the demise of the relationship.  
• If the children are treated as partners and equals
• If they have staggering obligations to their previous family(s)

Step Rule #1: Men are motivated by their own comfort.  That means he is seeking you out to fill his needs not so that he can fulfill yours!  

Some things I see are red flags now for a man with an adult daughter.

1. A man that says "My daughter doesn't lie." As if she is some saint or something. Later, it became more clear that his daughter lies alot.

2. A man that allows his adult daughter to manipulate him to get money out of him such as telling lies about being in college, what year in college she is, not requiring her to provide financial aid paperwork, class schedules, or scholarships etc.

3. A man who has a daughter who is a perpetual college student (been in college long enough to complete a degree but still a freshman or at most a sophmore) and still expects dear old dad to help pay for it, which he foolishly does.

4. A man who has young adult kids, none of which live independently and routinely call for money despite not seeing him in years.

5. A man who allows his adult kids to disrespect him, yet continues to give them money.

6. A man who makes silly excuses as to why his adult kids haven't launched despite being adults for several years.

7. A man who has nothing to say when you give him ideas on how to get his adult kids to launch.

8. A man who gets frustrated, irritable and/or moody after his adult kids call and ask for money.

9. A father who brags about his daughter being in college but as years go by he is silent as to when she is graduating.

10. A man who has a daughter who is not progressing in college yet gets mad at you, his educated, professional, girlfriend who has a good career and proven work ethic. This is true especially if you, as the girlfriend, warned him early on that his daughter wasn't serious about college but seemed to be using it as a way not to have to work full-time and take care of herself.

OT because it doesn't pertain to the direct threats exactly but COSLEEPING. 
 

Curious those who have brought it up, your opinion on co-sleeping with an OURS child. Are you flat out against that as well?

I grew up cosleeping with my parents and sisters and as we got older, my sisters and I moved out of mom and dads room and slept together even though we all had our own bedrooms. Now that I am a mom, I love cosleeping with my daughter and so does my SO. We will have a 2nd baby here soon and we will all 4 cosleep. I have no problem with this and enjoy it. Eventually I plan to move both girls out together to sleep together or separate, however they choose. However.... when it came to SD obviously cosleeping was out of the picture! SO wanted to but I put my foot down. So instead he slept next to her or they fell asleep on the couch together. I put my foot down to that too because I wanted to sleep next to him and have help with the baby at night. Not sure where I'm going with this but basically sometimes I feel guilty about allowing it with OUR children but not his? But I feel there's just a big difference.

This thread has been so relatable. I've been noticing some red flags in my own relationship for quite some time now. I love him dearly, but am not sure how I feel about some things. For starters, there is a lack of boundaries between him and his ex. He will take calls from her when he is with me even though it is nothing to do with the (adult!) kids. She had a psychological breakdown last spring and he was there from start to finish. She leaned on him for support the whole time, he even slept over at her house when she was having a rough night. That's right, slept over at her house. She has parents, other family, friends, even a long term romantic partner and he is still the one handling everything. Totally inappropriate IMO. He has 2 adult daughters. They are nice people, but I can definitely see elements of surrogate spouse/mini wife with the younger one. He really caters to her and seems to want to keep both of them dependant on him. We are considering moving in together but I have some reservations. I also have 2 daughters, 17 and 20. Any pearls of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. 

Being unreasonable when it comes to supporting his kids. I agreed to support them but insisted they work while in high school and college to help with expenses. He agreed until we got married, then when his daughter wanted to go to Italy we paid for it, we paid for her car and gas for her vehicle until her senior year of college, he paid off all her loans without my agreement or consent, etc.,etc. It was completely unfair to me. We were still paying her health insurance after she married because her husband didn't want the added expense and thought it was ludicrous that my I wanted her removed from our insurance after they got married.  His daughter thought she was a princess and when she waved her magic wand, she wanted us to meet all her desires. It was ridiculous.

Can you say... insurance fraud?

If the health insurance learns that she is married they will deny all coverage and she and her DH will be stuck with huge bills if she ends up in the hospital or with some long term condition requiring expensive treatment.

Not only are your SD and her DH committing fraud, so is your DH.

Get that crap fixed NOW!