Homework fight! Help...
Forums:
I posted awhile ago and saw others did also about step kids don't doing homework. People responded by saying it was ok to pay step kids money for good grades.
Well with SS13 it's not this easy. Expecting SS13 to get all A's or B's is just NOT going to happen. The BEST we could hope for is SS to stop fighting us about doing his homework, hand it in on time and Not failing any classes. So this being said DH wants to start paying SS for just getting the work done and not fail any classes. Thoughts on this? I think DH is being to easy on SS and going to make him even more Entitled spoiled brat.
What other tactics has your
What other tactics has your husband tried? Is SS doing the homework at your house or at his mother's house?
SS is NOT doing HW at BM’s house either
BM makes excuses for SS and Babies him. Oh poor SS has ADHD...Oh poor SS comes from a broken home..Blah blah blah. Bottem line is SS is a Spolied Entitled coddled brat. BM is also lazy so I'm sure she's hoping DH will fix the problem. DH is afraid if he Punishes SS to much SS will say screw you and not come over anymore since BM has NO RULES it's hard for DH to inForce any
If he has adhd money is not
If he has adhd money is not going to help, well it may for a week or two at most but it will not help in the long term.
Your husband needs to learn about adhd and learn tactics to help his son get his work done and handed in on time. Money is a poor substitute for learning about his son's diability and assisting him in ways which will help.
SS has a IEP in school on medication for ADHD and therapy help
Yes SS has a learning Disability but he's not helpless. This is a kid who will sit on the couch watching tv and expect DH to bring him a drink or food. SS13 has no clue how to make a simple Sandwich. BM will even Organize SS's school folder and write the subject's on each folder. This is something SS should be doing as a teen. SS is use to DH/BM doing everything for him and schoolwork in something he has to do himself.
Right - so it's DH and BM who
Right - so it's DH and BM who are the problem here - and if they won't change, how do they expect SS to?
You realize that the things
You realize that the things you are complaining about are classic adhd symptoms? Difficulty starting work, difficulty completing work, having trouble controlling highly stimulating activities (watching tv), having problems organizing his work. These are issues that your husband should be discussing with his son's therapist and teachers and they should be coming up with strategies to help build a good environment at home that will help your ss in these areas. Your ss is not a normal teen, he will struggle in these things. He will struggle even more without the support of an involved father who is willing to work with professionals and try to implementing the suggestions at home consistently.
It is interesting to me that when I asked what his father does to help this boy you told me that he will make him a sandwich and fetch him food and drink. No mention of any ways in which he helps with school work. Yet you also complain about BM who seems at least to be involved and helping her son come up with an organizational system which can be vital to helping adhd kids stay on top of thier work. Yes I do think that your ss could write the labels on the folders himself but at least she is doing something to try to help.
Agreeing with BethAnne here.
Agreeing with BethAnne here.
If there's no undesired consequence for keep watching TV to no end, why should your SS change?
With that said, we also have an ADHD + Autism 13yo at home. (No, has not been fun, not for me at least) Fighting with him for his homework was not a long-ago memory, but at least at the time both DH and I were freaking enforcing the HW rules together. We do have to do a lot of hand-holding, but stuff like organizing his own work is on him. We just check after he said was done.
We do decided that SS has to be the one to care about his own grades though, especially if the boy thinks he's so very ready we just underestimate him, he should totally see how other students are graded and feel the burn. That is, if he cares, of course lol
Save your money and find his
Save your money and find his true currency. I'd bet video games and other online activities would be ones to take away and make him earn. You could strip his room to the bare necessities and make him earn it back with school success. He has one job at 13 and that is school. Does his father want him to grow up, get a job and more importantly KEEP said job? Many around here tell stories of lazy skids who can't keep a job let alone find one. I always wonder why the work ethic was never taught. It is taught, it's not just there inside a skid waiting to be put into action at 18.
I would insist that parenting this skid needs to focus on the skills needed to launch so he doesn't end up in your basement into his 40's.
When I had a problem with a
When I had a problem with a lazy DS. I had a sign on the fridge - Want today's wifi password? Complete... 1. 2. 3.
I wouldn't pay a kid for completing the bare minimum, it sets them up to fail at life. Certainly, it's something my boss wouldn't accept.
You can do a mixture of
You can do a mixture of reward and consequence.
If SS turns in everything in a week, whether it's an A or not, he gets an allowance of $5-10. Then, at the end of the semester, he gets an extra $10 for every A class and an extra $5 for every B class.
If, however, he doesn't turn in all of his assignments, he gets no money and loses privileges every day for every missing assignment. Didn't turn in his Spanish lesson? That's one Saturday of no video games. Or some other punishment, like extra chores, etc. Or he loses his phone until everything is done, and if it gets done on BM's time, he still doesn't get it back until the next time he is at your house.
You can make a system where not doing work doesn't result in the status quo. You can offer both rewards and consequences at the same time.
Does he have ADHD? If so,
Does he have ADHD? If so, then he needs to be on the proper medication and have supports in school to help him with organization and handing things in on time, for one thing.
Then he should get consequences for not doing it, and rewards for doing it (ie perhaps more video game time, or something of the sort).
I said this last time too - if BM isn't on board with any plans you make, it really won't work. My SS was slightly better at getting homework done at our house, only because he was afraid of DH's consequences (BM had none), but that didn't make him any better at bringing it home, handing it in, putting it in his agenda or just not flat-out lying about it to get out of it.
You can't fix this problem. I know you are hoping there is a magical solution, but there's not. His parents need to parent him, and if he has ADHD, he needs help from therapist/doctor/school.
The big problem is BM and DH
BM As I stated above babies and coddles SS with little to no Consequences for Defiant behavior. DH feels his Hands are tied as far as Consequences since BM won't back him. DH has Threatened Consequences and SS Threatened back by he won't come over anymore. DH biggest fear. So DH feels the ONLY way to get SS Motivated is to bribe him with money
Welp, good luck. It's not
Welp, good luck. It's not going to work if his parents don't parent him.
I'd suggest you just make clear, in about 3-4 years, what your plans will be if SS isn't launched by a reasonable age.
Nothing my DH tried to do addressed this issue, and SS finally DID stop coming over, at age 15, and from then on he did even worse at school because BM had zero consequences.
He's now almost 21 and still hasn't even begun to launch - but from BM's home. We rarely see him.
I've been telling DH since
I've been telling DH since YSS was 10/11 that either I would live with DH or the SSs would when they're adults, but not both. I won't live with lazy adult kids, period. I'll help a kid out if they're putting in the work, but no way am I living with a failure to launch. And DH knows I mean it because I remind him fairly often, plus I've been divorced before and know it won't kill me to be divorced again.
OP, it's a very solid strategy to make it crystal clear NOW to your DH about what you'll do in the future if he doesn't step up NOW.
It won't matter. Schools don't want to hurt kid's fee fees.
Other than regarding long term success.... it won't matter. Schools will not fail a child any more. They are in the spe-cial kiddies self esteme and graduate them for dollars market. Rather than the educate them market.
Quality parents will create quality successful children, just as they always have. Quality parents will ride their kids to do the work, will support their children behaviorally and academically and their kids will be successful adults.
Crappy parents will not do these things and the schools will award these kids diplomas anyway. Everyone gets a diploma is the logical evolution of the everyone gets a trophy all kids are spe-cial bullshit. A movement that true high performing kids and their parents detest while the progeny of crappy parents and their crappy parents celebrate.
And no, no kid should be rewarded for just passing.... unless... that is the best that they are capable of. Pay for performance should require... performance. My parents set my allowance based on my grades. A's and B's resulted in an allowance, C's got nothing, and D's of F's earned me swats and forfeiture of the allowance that A's and B's earned. Pretty simple. A's and B's earned allowance. C's or better allowed me to keep any allowance earned.
IMHO of course.
School ONLY been open 3 weeks and SS is failing 4 out 7 classes
SS13 currently has a "20" average in English and his "best" class is Science at a 75 average. The rest of his grades fall in the 50 to 60 average. So tell me how the School could possibly pass him???
Remember, the schools focus
Remember, the schools focus on kids feelings and not on their performance. Though it is harder to do in an online format, focus is put on the low performers so they don't feel bad about themselves and the kids who will pass legitimately are encouraged to not make their less capable classmates feel bad.
It is infuriating to me. Common core math bullshit is part of this. Make what is direct and simple into an excercise of counting on fingers for the droolers while the capable ones sit around scratching their heads and going nuts. Just as bad, the quality parents then go nuckin futz and teach their capable kids the RIGHT way to do math.
smh
There is no legitimate reason why they would pass him. But they will. Though I do hope that I am wrong. Lower your expectations so that you won't be disappointed. This phrase infurnated me when a former boss used to use it when I was working in the Middle East. But... in blended family life it is a legitimate point of advice. Sadly.
You are speaking of my pain.
You are speaking of my pain.
SS13's math class is still using shapes to go through algebra. I thought we were doing much more difficult stuff at the same age, but I'm not from this country so who am I to judge lol
There are many great things
There are many great things about this country. However, there is no need to embrace the idiocy elements we have cursed ourselves with. Chief among those is our child worshipping moron codling nose diving education system.
This is exactly why parents with means are engaging quality private education over the shit that our public schools are delivering regarding education. Though there are some exceptions where the top performing public school districts and the blue ribbon schools in those districts do a great job. However, often those who move to those districts to provide their kids with top tier education are demonized as sell outs and elitists by those who can't take advantage of moving to those districts.
This is why we sent our kid to a top 20 boarding school (Military) even though he had been in the highest performing district in our State at one of the highest rated HSs in the the country. The funniest part of that process was when his GF's mother got in my DW's face during the summer HS band trip to Hawaii when SS told his GF he was not returning to that HS for his Jr. and Sr. year. The GF's mother was all bent out of shape about who would take her daughter to Prom if SS was away at boarding school. My DW laughed in her face, gave her the hand, and walked away shaking her head.
As our education system gets increasing pathetic, children of quality parents will have an even greater advantage which I predict will cause yet more whining and gnashing of teeth about privilege, etc.... No comment about the hard work that those parents will do to create opportunity for themselves and their children.
But, I digress.............
Teach your Skid real math. If you feel like it. He might torture you now, but... he may just thank you later.
I don't think we can afford
I don't think we can afford the boarding school, good for you and your DW on the same page to send your SS there. Read many of your posts, and I envy your SS now being a fine young man
(good kind of envy haha)
I agree the kids now are being so coddled and pampered. I make sure my daughter is fully aware the world is NOT to bend for her. Can't say about SS will ever appreciate our work on him though. I get it he's a teenager now and teenagers are all horrible, but he has largely thought all the work we did for him is his own effort. I don't quite care to fix this part anymore.
You might be surprised.
There are some very affordable high quality schools out there.
Custody Order
Perhaps try enforcing the custody order so that your DH isnt "afraid". At that age children still need their parents. Letting the child "choose" is not the way to go. Being afraid to parent is not the way to go.
Good grades gets $$$.
Munchkin SD14
Is a smart kid. shes doing well in all her classes. Her problem is checking in and submitting the work correctly. HOWEVER in this distance learning, as it is only 1/2 days, I feel she is still swimming in a shallow pool, where when either school goes back to regular schedules or she decides to go to college, I feel she will be so behind...
Yeah, i can't imagine giving
Yeah, i can't imagine giving a kid that much power. No wonder they are turning into little tyrants.
Your SS acts like this
Your SS acts like this because he is already an entitled spoiled brat due to poor parenting.