If he wants to continue doing family things with his ex they should reconcile. They are divorced (I hope they are) and doing these sort of things in my personal opinion gives the kids false hope they are going to get back together. 

If you aren't okay with those things you need to let him know now at the beginning of your relationship. I'd reconsider being in a relationship with someone who didn't value my feelings. 

Will only confuse them and it doesnt really do anyone any good. He wont budge on that, because he doesnt want to do anything different. Pretty cozy arrangement he has! He is treating you as the extra, not a priority. Can you deal with this for the rest of your life, especially if the kiddos start resenting you because they want their parents to get back together because "look how great they are when they are together!"

I read that you are just ranting, well, my now DH would never in a million years have done that to me. He was very good about including me in all the big family get togethers. Especially the holidays. SO. That being said...vent away!

This was a hill to die on for me.  When I first started dating my DH, he'd been spending all the holidays with BM, the skids and her family.  His family is all out of state.  After he went to a Halloween party with BM's family and then wanted to go trick or treating with her (he had the skids),  I told him that he was welcome to go trick or treating with BM, but I would not be going,  nor would I be continuing a relationship with a guy who was spending time with his ex.  That ended the holidays with BM.

The skids are fine with separate holidays.  We celebrate some holidays on the actual day and others on a different day if BM has the skids on the actual day. There's no reason to spend the holiday "as a family" if they're no longer a family.  Frankly,  I don't consider that to be for the kids - seems like it's more for the parents who don't want to miss a holiday with their children. I would think the joint celebrations would be kind of awkward for the kids. 

If this bothers you,  you might want to take a stand early on. 

Playing happy family with the ex while i spend holidays alone would be a deal breaker for me. What happens if you marry? Have chilldren? 

I think it's weird to continue doing family get togethers after you split. I feel it's normal for kids from split families to have to do 2 of everything

my boyfriend (long-term) spends holidays with his ex and the kids (11 & 14) every year.....he says this is for the kids and i understand that 10000%

Really? Because I sure as hell wouldn't.

People like this crack me up. If they were really interested i what was best for the kids, they would figure out a way to make it work as a couple and be an intact family.

I would never, ever, ever date a guy who would do this.

This is not co-parenting, it's just hangin' out with the ex. It could also mean they have enmeshment problems and are having a hard time emotionally moving on and using the kids as an excuse.

When you divorce you aren't a family anymore. Acting like one for the kids does no one any favors. Playing happy family like this works well enough until one of the parents starts dating. How long then can it go on? After you guys get married? When BM gets married? When the kids go to college? 

I have some questions...

Do you know how long he's been doing this sort of thing?

Are they actually divorced and for how long? 

Does BM know about you?

Do the kids enjoy these dinners or ask for them or is this just a "tradition" kept up more by the parents?

The answers to these questions will determine how fast you should run.

From your previous blog, the kids are teens? I think it's crazy that they are still doing joint holidays. "It's for the kids" is a load of BS. It's for THEM, for whatever reason. Maybe it makes them feel all warm and fuzzy like they are doing something good, but it's absolutely not necessary. I have teens and have been divorced 10 years. They tell me that one of the positives of having divorced parents is 2 Christmases and birthdays. Santa came to both houses. The presents just waited under the tree till they got here. What is the reason your SO gives you for doing this? You obviously don't like it. 

Joined holidays like this are bm's way of staying relevant in her ex's life. It also gives her leverage to dictate her wishes and call the shots. For the kids? Rubbish! It's all about power... 

This would not be ok with me.  I agree with a previous commenter, this is a way for BM to stay relevant in your boyfriend's world and dictate what she wants.  And, when it stops because you or any other woman he ends up with makes it stop, you or that other woman are going to be labeled the bad person by the BM.  If she is anything like my DH's ex, she will tell the kids that everything was so great before you came along....she and daddy got along so well before stepmom came along.  

Would BM be ok spending holidays at her ex husband's house with his family?  Doubtful.  She isn't going to uproot what she wants IN HER HOME.  This is what BM wants.  Period.  If she didn't want it, it wouldn't be happening.  Beware.  A BM that doesn't know or respect other's boundaries is a nightmare....they think only they can make the rules.

Nearly every household, intact or no, makes trade-offs on which family to spend a given holiday with. Paternal grandparents Smith or maternal grandparents Jones, for instance. There is zero reason CODs can't handle the same.

Why do they still do holiday's together? I say this as s someone who has a fantastic relationship with her exH, we do not play house together. While we will get together with our kids- the step parents are always there and we don't do things at each others houses. That is too intimate. 

They are still playing one big happy family. This would be a hill to die on for me. He needs to go with you. 

IMO. Don't understand that he's doing it for the kids. There's something else going on there, whether it's guilt or an unresolved issue or a controlling BM..

The kids need to celebrate holidays with both parents and they can do that at separate times. Bf should be spending holidays with you or with his own family. You guys need to start your own holiday traditions without BM. She's not a part of your household and the fact that he thinks what he's doing is acceptable is ridiculous!!

Hell no.

That family failed and pretending like it didn't is delusionally toxic. Even if only on Thanksgiving.  Bullshit it is for the kids.  It is toxic for the kids, for your SO, and for your relationship.

The two of you need to be together for the holidays.  Whether that is while visiting your family, having his kids at your house, or taking a trip somewhere.  Let  the carcass of the failed family be buried and remain buried.  Your SO playing happy family with his X is the death knell of your relationship if it continues as is his "for the kids" crap.

IMHO of course.