Parental Alienation- my story.
Although my DH is still in touch with his kids, they have been alienated. His relationship is through text, gifts, and money. Before he and BM (50 shades of cray) divorced, he did everything for them. He came home from work, made dinner, gave them baths, read books, and put them to bed. Their mother was consumed with her job and devoted most of her time to that. On the weekends, he took them places and devoted all of his time to them. When we moved in together, we took them extra weekends because the ex needed to work- 3 out of 4 weekends each month, and had them almost every day in some way. He coached their sports teams and would pick up from BM's and drop them back off there. He was paying full child support but had them most of the time. Somehow, she convinced them that she was a poor single mother with no help, even though her salary was double what his was, he paid full CS, and they spent most of their time with us. They only went to her house to sleep on her school nights.
Even though we had them most of the time, the one day a week that they were not with us, SD would call in tears about how she never sees him anymore since he didn't live at her mom's house any more. She was always upset and in tears although she could never rationally explain why she was upset. I have two kids also, and she became fearful of them even though neither had ever given her a reason to feel that way. She asked DH to put an extra lock on her bedroom door and asked why my son couldn't just live on his own. He was 14 at the time. WTF? Fortunately, that part blew over pretty quickly. I think she realized that was not reasonable. Although I know that she has enjoyed my son's company many times while we were on vacation and such, she still kept a little distance at home. I never told him about any of that because I knew it would break his heart and make him very angry. They seem to have a cordial realtionship now - 12 years later though, but it could have been different. The potential was there. When we got married, the skids didn't want to come to the wedding - it would just be too weird they said.
I knew that BM had to be trash talking us, but we never said a bad word about her. I think that was a mistake- we should have fought harder against the stuff that she was doing, but we didn't. I regret it now. While there are times that I think the skids get it, they are still loyal to her like there is no tomorrow. My question is why they cannot be loyal to their father too. They are not mutually exclusive. His bond with them both was so strong, but she destroyed it. He let her do it unfortunately. We were naive.. we didn't completely understand what was happening. We didn't fight it the right way. Now, he is nothing more than a wallet, rarely sees them and is constantly taken for granted. On top of that, she wanted to use him as an emotional outlet for herself. I put a stop to that real quick. I was with a man before DH that had kids and an ex, and I knew what she was doing. Thank goodness I learned one thing.
I now have two coddled, entitled skids that believe the world revolves around them and them only. They both have been in therapy for years (over 10 years each)- SS has an internet addiction and SD who is now in college cannot cope with friends that have other friends. We recently found out that her mother allowed her to have boyfriends spend the night with her since she was around age 15, drink and smoke pot. We found out when SD had to be hospitalized for drinking too much at one time. She could have died (she was in high school at the time). Instead of any type of repercussion for this bad behavior, she was coddled and her mother kept her secrets from her father. They thought we would judge. The whole hospital visit turned into a be sorry for SD situation.
There is a lot more to my story, but this is a start. I could write a book on this stuff, PAS is amazing, isn't it?
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Welcome to the site!
Sadly, this kind of story is not that uncommon here - I'm sure you have already realised. My own situation is that my DH always paid masses over the required amount for CS, was emotionally supportive, and still is, to SD23 and SD25. In turn, they take him for granted, never show any affection or interest in him or his life, and are very entitled. Their mother PAS'd them from age 5 and 7 when I came into his life. They still think the sun shines out of her bum. We moved over an hour's drive away from where the BM and SDs (yes they still live together) all live, back in June, and it is like a great weight lifted off me. Predictably, it has made the SDs angry, particularly SD23 who is currently acting out against her father.
At least he's not supporting them financially any more, as I imagine is the case with your SKIDs. Your SS and SD sound a right mess - I'd make sure I kept well away from them, as far as humanly possible, now they are adults.
Perfect Description!
"They still think the sun shines out of her bum."
He paing for half of SD's
He paing for half of SD's university, and he will do the same for SS. They are 21 and 18. SS is still in high school so 50 shades is still getting CS. That is another long story in itself. lol. My DH talks a good talk and has become tougher over the years with the money, but it is still very difficult for him.
How old are your skids? Many
How old are your skids? Many do come back around when they get into their late 20s and realize what's been done to them - but by then, they are damaged people just in general and it takes a lot of therapy to repair the parent/child bond that was broken. BM has convinced them, against all rational evidence, that DH was abusive to them and to her, most importantly.
My SS20 was alienated by BM for over 3 years. He speaks to DH now, but it's very superificial and DH doesn't like the person he is, so doesn't see much of him.
Your DH can still change the dynamic by no longer giving them money when they treat him poorly. Giving SS or BM extra money is one thing that my DH never did, and he never stopped being a parent to SS. SS doesn't dare ask for money or openly be rude to DH anymore - he respects him, even if they aren't close. Your DH can let them know that he loves them very much, but there will be no more money if they aren't willing to have a relationship with him.
They are 21 and 18. Thanks
They are 21 and 18. Thanks for the kind advice
Parental alienation teaches
Parental alienation teaches the kids to treat their father the same way BM does so it's an entirely transactional relationship. Even if BM is not trying to poison the kids against BD it will still happen because they see this is how their parents interact. When BM does trash talk BD then of course it gets even worse.
Kids learn so much from just observing the behaviors of their parents. When families are split up they see their dad as someone who gives. They give money they give gifts they give out vacations they give fun stuff and if they don't give these things what is the point of even seeing them? This creates a vicious cycle where the kids expect more and more spoiling. Meanwhile they see BM on the receiving end of child support and if she is dating or remarried they see her being wooed by the new stepdad. that sets up them to see that bm's need to be taken care of and coddled similar to the children. If bm's are narcissistic they treat their children as an extension of them so the kids come to expect to the same treatment that BM does.
In an intact family they will see the give and take between parents. They will see gifts exchanged for birthdays and holidays. CODs don't understand that being a parent and being in a relationship with somebody is not just a one-way street. It makes them cynical of relationships in general and they approached them from the standpoint of what is in it for me?
No matter how bad BM is the kids will almost always side with her. If she's great they'll say it's because she's so much better than their dad if she's awful then they will pity her and then their dad is the enemy. and even if they are doing drugs neglecting their kids and abusing them they are pretty much immune from any sort of criticism, and even then the kids probably won't give up on them. Dad meanwhile if he has a new woman in his life he's a piece of shit and a betrayer to the original family and even if the kids get along with him. once their parents are no longer together kids will never fully trust their father anymore.
You are so right. You hit
You are so right. You hit the nail on the head.
Excellent Assessment
You've distilled it all into one succinct post. Spot on.
As others have posted, you
As others have posted, you are not alone in what you dealt with. It is horrible and disgusting.
My SS is 16 and we know that after his 18th birthday we won't see or hear from him again. BM has made sure to burn their relationship to the point that I don't see him ever realizing what happened unless he has a crazy BM of his own one day.
I am sorry that all of you
I am sorry that all of you and your families have gone through these things. However, I am happy that I am not alone. Thanks for the support. So, glad that I found this place.
Yes - it's the only place
Yes - it's the only place where people understand the step dynamics, really. I keep coming back after 9 yrs ;-)
Out of all the steplife
Out of all the steplife experiences I've had, parental alienation is the absolute worst. It's still sickening to me. SD18 was alienation earlier this year by her crazy BM. I keep hoping, like Tog said, by late 20s she starts thinking for herself and reconnects with my DH. If she does, I'll then worry about her playing her disappearing act again and throwing my DH into emotional turmoil. Like I said, the worst. How one parent can do this to their own kids makes me sick.