Starting to think my husband has boundary issues with his ex
My H was very reassuring to me while we were dating, in terms of how healed he was from his divorce, how things between him and his ex were easygoing, no major issues, etc. He really made me feel like I would be his number one priority, and that there was no major drama to contend with. I would not have married him otherwise. There was one instance before we married that made me think twice about this, but just one. Once we married, in fact the day of our marriage, I started to think differently about this, and as time goes by (about a year now), I am questioning things more and more. Would like to get a read on this from others. This is my first marriage, and I had never dated anyone with an ex-spouse and children before, and we didn't live together before marriage. I feel I was fairly naive to what all of this would entail. Here are some examples of things that make me question: on our wedding day, ex texted him asking for pictures of their child. Annoying to insert herself the day of, but I could let that go. I have my own child (although through ai, so never co-parented), so understand that desire to an extent. But then she asked him for a picture of me. He obliged. I find this out because we drove together to the ceremony. I grab his phone to set GPS, and find this picture of myself in my gown sent to her. I ask him what this is, and he tells me, oh, she asked for a pic of you. I thought it odd, but let it go, since it was our big day and I was too happy to be seriously bothered by it. Once all the happy hormones left the building, that moment came back to me a week or so later. Hmmmm. So she was one of the first people to see me on my wedding day, besides my H. Don't like that. And don't like how he didn't see it as inappropriate. Another instance is how I discovered that they were on FB with each other still. I don't do FB, so had no idea. Found out through a comment she made actually. I told him, you need to stop that immediately. Instead of immediately dropping her, he told me he deactivated his account for awhile. I let that sit for awhile, then addressed the issue with him again. Don't you have other people you want to keep in touch with, just drop her instead of deactivating. He finally did this, so he says. I also found out they still had a joint checking account together, which again, I put my foot down on. He told me she closed it after I asked him to, and that it was just for purposes of their child to begin with. Again, I don't deal with co-parenting myself, so have no idea of what is typical, but it seemed odd to me. His stimulus check ended up with her somehow, which I also can't figure out, since they have been divorced for years now. She paid it to him, so no problem there, but just makes me scratch my head about what is going on. And, I was upset I had no idea any of this stuff before marriage. I didn't ask, but there are certain things I guess I just didn't know to ask. Also, they had a car title together for at least a year after their divorce. Found out that car was repo'ed through my SS when he casually mentioned that one day a man came to pick up his dad's car, and he never saw it again. Again, had no idea of this. H told me about debt he had before marriage, but not about poor credit and repo and accounts at collections, etc. We can't buy a house right now, due to his credit. I have great credit, but can't afford anything based on my income level, if we just went off of my finances. He is doing better with finances, and I am happy with the direction things are going now, but again, so annoyed I didn't know about these things before. Overall, our marriage is now strained due to his lack of sharing important info with me before marriage, and how he seems to be enmeshed with his ex still. I get they have a child together, so maybe this is normal for that situation? My SS's behaviors are also a serious issue, but that's for another post. I have more examples of the boundary thing with the ex, but this is getting long. She is remarried, pretty sure she cheated on my H, although could have just met someone like the day after she and my H broke up. Fast turnaround. She filed for divorce, not him, so he says. So disappointed I need to question him now on things. Never felt this way while dating. And seriously concerned about my bio, because I don't want to cause disruption if it needs to come to separating.
None of this is normal, eg
None of this is normal, eg the having a joint account with the ex, sending pics of you to her, being Facebook friends, - as you say, they are well and truly enmeshed. Like yours, my DH told me that it was an amicable split between him and NPD BM. It may have been initially, but certainly not by the time I came into the picture. She was used to saying "jump" and he would say "how high?" I started pointing out to him how inappropriate all this was. He even spent the first Xmas Day after we met, at her parents house so that he could be with his young children on the day. Thankfully that is all in the past, he is definitely not enmeshed with her now, but it took a year or two to cut the ties.
I would continue to make your DH aware of how this enmeshment makes you feel, and if he doesn't change his ways, start getting your ducks in a row.
No this is not normal. They
No this is not normal. They may use the fact that they have a child as some excuse for this odd behavior but NO, this is definitely not normal !
There is not one of these odd behaviors you mention that are normal. Texting your DH on your wedding day,(forcing HER presences on your special day) asking for a picture of YOU (checking out her competition), a shared bank account (are you kidding me?), facebook-instead of dropping the ex he deactivates his account only to reactivate it later.
Personally I don't know that I would trust your DH.
As "Kes" said, "I would continue to make your DH aware of how this enmeshment makes you feel, and if he doesn't change his ways, start getting your ducks in a row."
Appropriate topics of
Appropriate topics of conversation between ex partners are "omg! ****child is bleeding and we're in the ER of ******* hospital!"
You're spidey senses aren't off. If it wasn't inappropriate enough to send photos of your current partner to your ex, it's even more so if your partner isn't aware of it or consulted beforehand.
He didn't think it was
He didn't think it was inappropriate to be sending his ex-wife pictures of new wife ON THEIR WEDDING DAY?
Facebook? Meh, no big deal, I know of divorced couples who are still FB friends, but if they are constantly liking or commenting on stuff, that would be weird.
No need for a joint checking account in this day and age, given that he can just deposit money he owes her right into her account with online banking.
The lies about his financial situation? That would be a tough one for me.
Overall, though - yes- he needs to have better boundaries on his ex. Civil for the kids is great, but this seems beyond that.
^^^THIS^^^
One set of issues is behavioral, but I would be most concerned about his lack of honesty about his finances, because this directly affects you.
How do you handle finances in your marriage? Is there transparency? Do you have full access to all of his accounts and obligations? If I were in your shoes, I would separate finances and pay a service to do a deep dive on your H. You need solid facts in order to protect yourself financially, and then you can decide if you want to tackle the lack of boundaries between your H and his ex.
Edited to add: bait and switch is a real thing, and we've had countless posts from stepparents that were misled, deceived, or given a false narrative before the wedding. Your priority needs to be security for your child and yourself. Please take care.
Thank You
Thank you all for the responses. It's truly helpful and gave me the courage and strength yesterday to confront these issues assertively and immediately with my H. I decided to start with the finances, as you suggested, Julie. My husband complied with my requests around this, and I got some immediate answers and more are pending. It seems that the finances may have more to do with ex and that relationship than previously known. I think the finances and enmeshment are a part of the same package. I was having trouble understanding how my H could have such poor credit based on his spending habits as I know them (he is more frivolous than I, but not out of control by any means, and I am frugal), and based on our ability to save within the last year. It could be that he has done a 180 and corrected his past ways, or it could be that the finance stuff is mostly tied to the ex. Working on finding this out for certain. Either way, it is unacceptable that he kept me in the dark on these matters for so long, even after I had uncovered them and asked that he address them repeatedly over the past months. To the poster that questioned my knowledge of these things, we did have discussions around finances prior to marriage, as you can see I noted in my original post. He was not transparent. I found out about these things later, not directly through him, but through things found in my home after we were married. And as for my response time, I have no idea what you consider a reasonable response time to be, and I am not certain how that is even relevant. Overall, I am very wary right now, and I have let H know I want us to seek counseling together. My trust has been whittled away. I also let him know that I think he needs to seek individual counseling around his divorce, parenting, and how to have appropriate boundaries with his ex. He agreed. If I do not see change quickly, I will not stay. Thank you for your replies and for helping me to get strong and see clearly about these things that have been nagging at me for awhile now and for helping me to see most definitely that things need to change and I need to trust my "spidey senses". I take marriage very seriously, and I love my H deeply. But I will heed the warnings.
I have a joint account with
I have a joint account with my kids dad. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. We both put an equal amount if money it it each month, meant for extra expenses abive and beyond what our own households provide.
The kids cell phones are paid through it. Dental or medical bills are paid through it...and our insurance reimbursements go back into it. Special expenses like a school trip or school pictures are paid through it.
It's simple...avoids having to deal with who paid what...and when something comes up we just use that account.
We both get the info from the school, so if I know a 25$ expense is coming up, whoever's week it is for the kids pays it from the account...so if the kids are with him I will see a 25$ payment.
Works really well for us to be honest...
I can see how that would work
I can see how that would work. You'd have to have a great co-parenting relationship and good boundaries, I would think, for it to be successful.
It's basically what DH and I do with our finances - we have a joint account and then our own separate ones, so I can also see how a new spouse might feel like it's a bit too intimate for her.
Like you say, it works
Like you say, it works because you're both honest and apparently coparent well. However, there have been instances on here where a spouse has drained all the funds and chalked up debt using joint account.
Definitely wouldn't work with
Definitely wouldn't work with BM in our situation!
Wouldn't have worked with NPD
Wouldn't have worked with NPD BM either! She'd have cleaned the account out in the first week or two.
Agreed !! and it is also easier
I agree!! and it is also easier to create other joint accounts and credit when you are still tied to account and have access to personal information and signatures.
It is totally unnecessary to share a bank account in this day and age or at anytime quite frankly. My DH's ex kept using his information long after their divorce. Forged his signature a few times and it would be easier if they were still sharing a bank account.
Im glad
that it works for you.
Even if Toxic Troll was completely different person, that would be too enmeshed and intimate for me.
Boundary issues with his X?
Ya think?
I know hind sight is always 20/20 but, on the drive to the wedding when you found the picture of you he sent to his X, you should have ordered an Uber to pick you up as soon as you pulled up to the venue and left your then immediate XF to explain to everyone that his enmeshement with his X ended the wedding before it even happened.
The red flags and baggage that this POS failed man, failed husband, and failed father carried looks like the courtyard leading up to the UN building on the day all of the delegats arrive for a new session. Flags and bags everywhere.
There is nothing that justifies keeping this POS in your life or exposing your own child to anything to do with this XW enmeshed POS, anything to do with his failed family, or anything to do with his shallow and polluged gene pool.
Move on. Take care of you. Take care of your own child. Do not sacrifice your happiness and financial future to bailing this POS out of his mess.
Another post and run. I
Another post and run. I wonder if we'll hear from this OP again.
The details of this story make me think it's at least in part fictional.
However there is some truth in these issues as a lot of us have dealt with. I do think it's ignorant for a woman to rush into marrying a man so quickly that these things come up after the wedding. Do people really not discuss finances at all before getting married??
Prior to getting married my DH and I were discussing car insurance. He has USAA which is very cheap and I asked if I could be added to his insurance once we get married. He was resistant which annoyed but but I came to find out that this was because he was still paying for BMs insurance on a car she was driving that was still in his name. Yep that was a fight but we got it resolved BEFORE getting married. BM was very resistant to having DH sign the car over to her because of course she didn't want to be responsible for paying for her own insurance.
I think a lot of divorced men get into these financial situations out of laziness. The insurance was cheap, like $40 a quarter so to him it wasn't worth the trouble to change it. As with most men they choose not to rock the boat.
Now frequent communication about non kid related topics is a big issue but it happens in the same way. Thankfully my DH didn't have this problem but it's similar in that if they indulge BMs want to be constantly involved it keeps her happy and keeps her willing to share the kids. Rock the boat and piss her off then that's all in jeopardy. Laziness, it's straight laziness.
Gotta keep those BMs happy
I have been married to DH for 8 years. This is my first marriage and I really had no idea what I was in for. But I did try to make sure I knew what kind of relationship he had with the ex and how involved they were prior to getting married. When we were dating, I thought my DH was just jumping when the ex said jump and just doing whatever she wanted. He was like her personal assistant. I think I gave him the courage to put his foot down and put her in her place. But I think in turn, she took that to mean that my presence changed everything. If it weren't for me, she could have continued basically having pretty much two husbands in her life - her ex who was the father of her children and the man she left him for.
Fast forward eight years later - she's made my life a living hell. And he's pretty much just back to doing whatever the ex wants. She got her teenage daughter on her mission. No, none of which you mention is normal. It's just the way your DH's ex WANTS it to be. The ex in my life was the same way. And when she couldn't get it the way she wanted, she started grooming her kid to take her place. So by the time SD was old enough to really create the drama, she did it, at the direction of her mother. Be weary of it all. I lost so much trust and I don't know what is the truth anymore when it comes to that ex wife and the skids. So much to the point that I really just want to stay away from them.
Just like many of the other commenters have said, it's all about keeping that BM happy because if she is not happy, then there will be problems. It's like emotional blackmail. The problem with my scenario is that I wasn't willing to do anything to keep BM happy. And I'm not concerned with keeping the selfish narcissistic SD happy either. By that I mean, I'm not willing to sacrifice my standards and morals to give her exactly what she wants. In turn, I'm hated. This is currently where I am.
As long as your DH is willing to get on the same page with you, your happiness has a good chance. That's my opinion. Good luck!
First Marriage
No one has written a best-selling "how to marry a man that hides things and is enmeshed with his baby momma" book yet.
Sorry you are having to deal with this.
DH had a LOT of baggage, as did I. But we are transparent with each other, and are working towards a solid future together. I have access to his bank account, we have a joint house account for mortgage and I have my own account.
We split the bills. He is frugal. No ex on any titles or bank accounts. Shes still too close for comfort as we have 50/50 visitation. She texts for this and that. He would never in a million years include her in our wedding.
I agree with rags. Flags all over the place. This is your first marriage, but its already been compromised. I would get your ducks in a row, and create an exit plan. My spidey senses are telling me he will tell you what you want to hear and then the BM will still be in the background and skid will be her emissary to spie and cause trouble. I just see this happening.
Read on these boards further...