Disengaged and still not finding a happy medium.....
Hi!
I'll explain my family dynamic a bit - I'm mother to 2 biological children (my oldest son if from my previous marriage, and my youngest daughter is from my current relationship), and step mum to an 11 year old girl from my partners previous relationship.
Long story short, I was over parenting stepdaughter, she has health issues and I was trying to parent and ensure health and hygiene, both of which she has no interest in. She has recurrent kidney issues and is with us most of the time, spends 1 or 2 nights a weekend with her mum.
It reached a presipice and I disengaged. My partner took over parenting her, and she backlashed massively. When she is asked to take her medication she moans and refuses. She argues and gets angry at anyone in her way. She loses her temper at my children and takes over the mood of the house completely. My partners way of disciplining her is by lecturing, He will lecture her to the ends of the earth not realising at all what it takes away from the rest of the family.
Last night was the final straw. I'd been cooking all day for my father in law visiting for dinner. My daughter also had a play date after school. Step daughter bossed my daughter and her friend around until I said "please give her a little space to play with her friend" then she sulked, got angry and sat reading (no big deal huh?) but this mood extends through the whole night. She refused to eat dinner, she argued with her dad about her medication at dinner and said dinner smelt and tasted awful. After 20 mins of the rest of us all ignoring her, and her dad pleading with her to eat and take her meds, he sent her to bed. But it doesn't end there and that's my issue, he follows her and lectures her about what she did wrong and how she made everyone feel. He lets her take FOREVER with her showering, teeth and bed routine until she's going to bed late again anyway (with more lectures from her dad). In my mind this is her tactic - she is a child and doesn't seem to care what attention she gets, bad or good, but as long as she eventually can get what she wants (in this case, to not to go bed early which was the punishment in the first place).
Today I told him how its affecting us. I cooked all day for dinner to be ruined with her mood, then he and her weren't at the dinner table and all we could hear was him lecturing her from down the hall. As soon as he pops back to eat with us she's out again and demanding he helps her with her bed sheets, or that she can't remember what she's meant to do next. She takes him away from the family for the whole evening most nights.
So from what I've read on disengaging, you're meant to let the other parent parent as they wish and support them in their parenting (even if its not how you'd like), So as far as I can see, I'm doing it wrong..... I asked him to in the future just send her to bed and give her 15 mins to get ready and be in bed. If she's not finished her chores, bad luck, lights out, go to sleep. She's 11, she knows everything he's lecturing about, she knowns her attitude is disrespectful and this can be summed up in 1 quick sentance without the lectures eating into our whole evening. She doesn't need help with her bed sheets, and she certainly can stop asking him to dry her hair after she's washed it (don't get me started on that, I pointed out that she should be able to do this herself at 11 and he's stopped).
When she goes to her mums on the weekend, the whole Sunday is overshadowed by the fact that she's coming back - it actually gets my partner really down, but I know his feelings are out of my control, so I find something else to do.
How do you disengage and not let your step children and your partners parenting style take over your life? I feel like 100% of him is put into parenting and thinking about her, and there's really not much left for me and the other kids afterwards.
Geez there are more 3 & 4 yr olds who take initiative and
are more independent than your sd!!
your husbands discipline parenting strategy clearly isn’t working. If sd wants to ruin the mood with her negativity and tantrums, she can stay in her room or stay in the backyard and do something practical but this will involve alot of follow through because she will sure as hell try to kick up a stink about it!!
my husband kept with goving ridiculous excuses for ss behaviour. When ss was 19 and i had a big fight with hubby and said we were getting a divorce because it was clear as day our marriage me and our 2 little ones were never a priority or concern like the precious first family and hubby rained hell on ss on the way home.
that kid was scrubbing his bathroom down with bleacc and cleaned his room and hubby had to check it was to standard. Hubby told ss he lost the privilege of being able to lock his door and hubby would come unannounced to see what w as happening.
hubby told ss at the evenings he had to play with our 2 kids (his half siblings). Well the only interaction he had was our 2 kids in an electric ride on whilst ss operated rhe remote. There is no hands on interaction whatsoever. But when you see the relationship ss and his full siblings have, its not surprising how a relationship will be non existent.
I don’t ever see my kids seeing my skids as their half siblings or family ever!!
Parenting by proxy
Parenting by proxy rarely works. I have no great answers for you but I spotted that one right off.
You'd like to think you're disengaged ... but ... or, "yeah, but" as Dr Phil says --- you tell DH how to parent. You teach; you coach; you encourage, but for the life of you, DH cannot manage to parent his child through a meal or to bed.
Backing off & having DH step up & parent his kid is great. He is parenting her. Every lecture, every pursuit, every moment of individualized focus, DH is parenting his daughter. He just doesn't parent as you'd like in a non-disruptive manner for the rest of the family.
You aren't doing it wrong -
You aren't doing it wrong - he is, but you know that already! What is your custody arrangement? Does she behave this way at BM's? Is your DH open to your parenting ideas, or would he go to any kind of parenting classes/counseling?
Your SD sounds like she could use a good therapist - not one who just plays with her, but one who will help her cope with her medical issues (it's not uncommon for kids with health issues to refuse the treatment they need - it gives them a sense of control over the issue), and will also help BM and DH with how to parent her more effectively.
Thanks!
Thanks for your reply. The relationship with BM is confusing and I don't quite understand it. One minute she sends me flowers, and the next I get horrible messages of things she's said through SD. When we pick SD up on Sundays, BM often says she hasn't really seem her all weekend, she's just been on her laptop. BM also says that she's not argued about any medication, she's taken everything and been really good all weekend, but when we check SD's medication pack, nothing is missing, or used at all, so we suspect it's not happening when she's at her mums.
DH is booked in to a psychologist next week (thank god) and I've had SD in therapy with a child psychologist for years. We're just changing psychologist for her because the old one said that she's just refusing to talk about certain topics. SD also has a urologist, and a child physiotherapist as well as the school counsellor.......it's just so all consuming! I think I just need to vent about how much time it takes from our family, but I know I've done my best. I work at the hospital here, so made sure she had the best therapists/drs every time. Her BM doesn't go to appointments or take time off when she's sick, hence my lack of understanding about their relationship. It's not really how I mother.....
Hopefully DH gets some good help from his phychologist, she's really nice and if she wants me there too he'll let me know (we've used her before for relationship counselling).
My initial thoughts are that
My initial thoughts are that this is a girl who was a sickly only child and probably recieved a lot of attention from her parents before thier relationship broke down and then after that you and your kids came along. She now has to still deal with a serious illness and on top of that has to share her Dad with 3 more people, hense all the attention seeking behavior. Your partner is used to worrying about his kid and probably spent a lot of time coddling her and never learnt the art of effective parenting because he was worried about her health as that seemed more pressing than ensuring she wasn't being rude etc.
So I would agree with tog say that ideally your husband would get some coucilling to help him cope better with parenting and that your sd might need some therapy too to help with her new role in the family and growing up with a serious illness.
If your husband spends the day prior to her retuirn in a bad mood then it seems he feels like he is struggling and perhaps might be open to suggestions of getting assistance with parenting. I would phrase it to him that being a parent of a sick child is unusual and no-one has given him any formal training for it and it is ok to reach out and try to get some help.
Thanks!
Thanks BethAnne. By everything that happens I would also presume I came along later after a beautiful marriage broke down (especially by the way she acts, says to other poeple she wishes her mum and dad would live together again) but it's not like that at all. Her mum walked out when she was 6 months old, and I started dating her dad when she was 1 and a half years old. Her mum didn't see her for a year, then wanted her 1 night a week, over the years its progressively moved up to 2 nights a week.
Sometimes when I'm arounf DH and BM I feel like she's a little too focused on him and wonder if she does wish she'd stuck at it, but I know DH doesn;t feel like that at all, so it's never worried me. If SD is getting that feeling too though, that might be where so much anger and resentment comes in at our house.
Lots of therapy booked in for SD and DH, and I might see about booking myself in for someone to talk to too
so fingers crossed, but I constantly feel like I'm counting down until she moves out....
SD is still getting what she
SD is still getting what she wants which is Daddy's attention. Good, bad makes no difference. She has his undivided attention. Your DH needs better parenting skills.