Always had enough...
I think we all know in our minds- "WE HAD ENOUGH!"
But do we say it out loud? Nah... or so sometimes it slips. In my case I slipped it out nice and loud.
I had enough of SS10 acting like he's a toddler. I had enough of SS10 thinking he shouldn't participate in household rules and chores. I had enough of SS10 acting enabled and privileged over everyone in the house. I had enough of SS10, basically!!!
SS10 hangs all over his dad like he's a jungle gym. I watch how he talks to him too, like he's a toddler. His father is his full entertainment, especially if he doesn't have his phone with him during his visits! It's up to DH to keep him entertained. Now... DH and I run our own company. Given that, we both work long rigorous hours, hard labor and etc.. We worked from 7am to 7pm today, mind you I squeezed in to make a meal, as well! SS10 decides to make my living room his personal jungle gym to jump on my couch and act like he's a basketball all star... I told DH to tell him he can play outside with all that jumping my couches arent his personal gym! Be respectful of the living room!!!! DH agreed (hell froze over just a bit when he agreed, lol) he took his little behind outside and DH followed, they played basketball for a bit while I was cooking. After a bit DH comes in frustrated, so I asked what happened?! DH says he can't even play with him cause SS gets all bent if he doesn't get his way and starts whining and crying like a baby! So he just left him out there... I can see him crying like a baby and I know it's true, kid is so spoiled that he doesn't know how to play and enjoy a game of basketball unless he's winning or he's the one calling the shots!! So DH said he's going to the store (Home Depot) he needed to get a few things before it closes and he's NOT taking SS!!! So SS comes in after he leaves and I ask him what's wrong?? He completely ignores me, ok- maybe he didn't hear me, I ask him again- are you ok? I get ignored again- I know he heard me that time! So I had enough... I told him out loud "I had enough!!! I am straight up speaking to you and you want to ignore me in my own home?!? No! I am not having your disrespectful attitude up in this house!! I am tired of hearing you whine and cry when you don't get your way! Your father worked a 12hour day and manages to play with you to kee you entertained, yet you whine like your a baby and your 10!! You are 10 years old and act like your 4!! Enough (inserted his name) you come in this house and don't think anything applies to you. You make a mess and don't think you can pick up after yourself! You disrespect this house almost every time your here! I will not tolerate that in this house! Maybe your dad won't tell you like I am but I am not afraid to speak up to you! Understand one thing- this is my house- these are the rules and you don't even have many! Your responsibility is to clean up and act like a growing 10 year who has some damn manners and respect! I know for damn sure your mother and father don't raise you to be a spoiled brat, therefore acting like one in this house in UNNACCEPTABLE!!! Do you understand me?!?!? SS10 about to cry, say yes! I said I don't need to see you crying your 10 you can handle it when someone tells you to quit acting like a baby! You don't act like that on line to your little gamer friends! You act like your a grown ass hot shot! Well it's time to act like that now! A grown 10 year old! I bet none of those kids acts like you... half of your cousins and even your uncle are respectful when they come to this house BUT YOU!!! When I tell you to clean you will clean, when I tell you to pick up after yourself you will do it! You don't have to like me or anything but will respect me and this house! I will be letting your father know EXACTLY everything I said!!! You can count on that- just know he already wanted to handout a punishment for your crap attitude, right?!? SS10 again holding back those tears says yes! Lmfao!!!
I straight up had enough!! I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. I personally don't care if he doesn't talk to me anymore. I know for a fact that DH will not allow SS to stay away because he wants him all the time. He has no choice to come during visitation. So I'll be seeing him all the time.
DH gets home and I pulled him into the garage and told him a "lighter version" of what I said... why not? This little shit lies all day to him and therefore I am going to give him the clean version! And what happens- HELL FROZE OVER TWICE!!! He effin agreed with me- he said his attitude is disrespectful and he has had enough and that he is glad someone else told him to quit his shit!!! I thought I almost died! I couldn't stop thinking- OMG did he just agree with me?!? There is some light at the end of his tunnel... let's see how long this last for...
until the next time- Same bat time and same BRAT channel!!
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Good for you!
You just said what all of us SMS have been thinking! I would never have been so bold to speak to my SSs like that out of fear they would not want to visit (which DH would blame on me), would prompt BM to start WWIII ( which DH would blame on me) or cause problems in my marriage (which, you get the idea. Lol.) I hope your DH stays as steadfast in supporting you, even if there's fall out from BM.
Fear?
Shoot- I wish he wouldn't want to come back here! But, how would he ever get anything he wants. This child is very manipulative and when he wants something he will act like he's the most amazing worthy child in the world! Therefore two can play that game. His father knows he lies and catches him all the time... BM also knows his lies and knows his attitude is shit because I heard a conversation DH and her had, and she says she "can't control him". I rolled my eyes so hard and thought "you can't control a 10 year old... wow!". It's called being tough as hell when you want to change attitudes.. When my daughter was that age I held no punches... I wouldn't tolerate that crap and have my child think she runs the house and or me, for that matter. So I made SS10 aware- he remotely try to say anything I caught onto his games and lies and see right past them. I had no choice but to let it out!!! I can't stand for this nonsense in my house anymore!! He is welcome to take that shit back to his mothers house where he can get away with it. But not me! I told his father I got stern because he requires to put his foot down otherwise if you constantly go back on anything or "feel bad" he's just walking all over you and has zero respect for your authority! He's been seeing it a lot lately.
last weekend we took a day trip to the beach... before we left his father asked for his help and he was completely ignoring him. When DH asked again SS said with total attitude "Ok I heard you the first time... CHILL!" Oh man I seen DH grab his ass by his shirt brought him in the room and whooped him. At one point I was starting to feel bad, but sometimes his kid really needs his ass handed to him. I can hear him telling him I don't know who you think your talking to but I'm not your friend I'm your father and I'll be damn you disrespect me or anyone in this house, even your mother! Oh man, and I can hear him say that he was on punishment... no phone or ps4 for a week! I have to say he kept up with that punishment! At one point DH was starting to feel guilty, I put a stop to that. I said "don't you dare think about apologizing and or even remotely go back on what you say he needs to learn this lesson once and for all! The moment you apologize and go back to being guilty he will never learn and will not respect your authority at all! Can you believe SS actually spoke to DH and apologized for his behavior and promises to make it up to him... DH still didn't cave and still said he was punished from his phone and game! Lol- SS probably thought he was going to get away with it. Nope! Lol- his little tricks won't work anymore...
I've always been upfront with
I've always been upfront with my stepson and DH when I thought SS wasn't behaving the way he should. Maybe that's why he's a much more tolerable skid than some of the others I've read about online. The DH backup is the key to success in these scenarios for sure.
DH is "glad someone said that
DH is "glad someone said that" to him, lol. He's glad you did it because he's afraid to. Now let DH know you've had enough of him not parenting his kid. If DH doesn't step up, nothing will change, you will just be the mean stepmother.
This.
This.
OP, why did you give a "clean" version to your DH? It's easy to yell at a child because they don't have anything to fight back with, really. But the person you needed to lay into with the big ENOUGH speech was your DH.
Yeah, SS needs to hear it...from his parent. And his parent needs to know what was actually said to his kid.
You allowed your frustration at your DH's lack of parenting totally overflow onto a kid who, while is misbehaving, behaves exactly how he has been taught and allowed to act. He needed the "cleaned up" version followed by your DH doing something about it.
You now feel better. SS now feels worse. And DH likely thinks it's all settled. And, if SS actually tells him the truth about the conversation, the worst part is that you've set up his father to not believe him because the liar was actually you. That's not fair for a 10 year old who isn't an adult and isn't thinking like an adult.
You're not wrong in disliking SS's attitude, but your approach was garbage, and you've likely just chambered the next round for an explosion because you didn't tackle the issue of your husband not doing his job as a parent.
When will you say "ENOUGH!" to the actual problem in your life?
I was going to second this.
I was going to second this. All it will do is reinforce the idea that you're evil to him and will make it that much harder to work with him as he gets older. What is now a 10 year-old kid will become a 17-year old that won't trust or respect you. It might be worth sitting down with him to say that you did mean what you said about rules and respect but you don't think he's a bad kid and that you could have handled it differently. a 10 year-old learns from what they experience.
Agree to an extent..
Since we are only able to put a handful of what happens in our daily life with our SKids, the amount of what we can relay on here is minimal and not to be a endless book. But, I have to agree with you to an extent.
As far as SS not liking me or etc. personally I care to not care. I have been in this child's life since he was 4, he's was a very good boy until I seen is upbring. This is where I agree with you- the lack of parenting from not only his father but also his mother is atrocious!
Shoukd I have tackled these issues with DH? Yes- that has been tackled many times before and as of last night. Well, I did provide him him the actual version of conversation I had with SS- it followed by me expressing his lack ofs! Was it the best conversation?? No! Why?! Because hearing that you lack any consistency and structure, as well lacking decent parental skills is something no man wants to hear! But it was said, because I am tired of seeing a child look like he has zero responsibility, manners, morale and etc. I blame both of his parents. We had a full out argument because this child lacks so much that when he's in this house he's entitled to just do whatever! He doesn't and should never get treated like he's different from my child. There are rules and responsibilities. His son doesn't have that many. My daughter even seen this and this was early on, hearing from another child why he lacks manners, how come he does do this or that and that she has to do these things that his son does have to. It's not easy, therefore these conversations have been very repetitive and he is not very receptive of what he wants to see the realization of what's happening around him.
Should I have went raised my tone with his son? No, but I did and can I take back what was said... no. Can I correct it? Absolutely, and that will be my plan for when he is with me this weekend. I don't agree with the parents parenting styles- they are both permissive parents. Not only have I seen this but DH own mother sees it and also his brother, they don't agree with it and when they watch their grandchild and nephew (SS) he is not treated like he's enabled, that is why he always wants to leave. He has zero discipline in his life or even structure- when the moment people who care about him try to implement it he hates it and the parents coddle him, as to where he doesn't have to do what people ask him. I am a huge part of this child's life (given I am married to his father). He get treated just as if he is mine. He's never left out, he is well loved, he is cared for, but there is a huge lack of a lot when it comes to him and I do blame the father!
And that is what happened last night. So I do agree with what you commented on but to and extent and I thank you for your commentary. I don't take offense but use it all as stepping stones and learn even if they are my own mistakes. Am I perfect, nonetheless! But can I strive to do better even if I don't see my own mistakes- absolutely!
thanks you
At the end of the night his father, my DH sees what I have been going thru because his child is out of control attitude, lack of responsibility, zero manner or respect for anyone is being noticed. He is starting to see that it needs to change and that sometimes with bad behavior requires consequences. Does he feel I should have shoulder his son, no- but he agrees with me- since I am apart of his life and I see what his father doesn't and that where he is starting to open up and allow me in and assist with his upbringing. As before I was to mind my own business.
But - your DH has to be the
But - your DH has to be the heavy. He agrees SS's behavior is poor, but he wants YOU to put him in his place, so he doesn't have to do it. You were shocked that BM can't control a 10-year-old - well, your DH can't either, and this is how it happens. No rules, no structure, everyone (except you) afraid to hurt his little fee-fees by actually setting limits on him.
I know you don't care if he hates you (SS) - but if you are the only one actually parenting him, he will disregard you and blame you rather than learning from you. So DH has to step up - and you have to make clear that it's really DH that you've had enough from.
I think this is called
Parenting!! All kids must fit in someday
Prepare for the nonstop stank
Prepare for the nonstop stank-face passive-aggressive opposition. He'll just walk around with his tail between his legs acting like a victim from now on. If confronted, he'll deny.
Everyone afraid except me...
I agree with everyone. It's ok in his eyes that I put the foot down because he doesn't look like the bad guy in it. That is exactly why I had a conversation with him about it! Regardless if I am the "evil stepmom" DH is aware I had enough of playing the bad guy and he need to step up and be a damn parent and take the blame for once and parent his kid!!! I truly don't care what mom does or doesn't do, but when it happens in my home I care. Moving forward I spoke with DH and I made it clear he needs to step the hell on up! Sorry not sorry he's your kid and he's your responsibility! You made and brought him into this world I shouldn't play the bad guy cause you "feel bad"! Oh well.
I remember the lectures I
I remember the lectures I gave skids a few time about this topic. It's more about me declaring my territory in my house. Their mother was encouraging the bad behavior and I knew it but BM did not have control over me and how I run my home.
OP good for you. As easy as it is to say DH should have done xyx, sometimes we have to step in and clear the air for ourselves. Don't feel one oz of guilt or let anyone shame you. Who knows, maybe SS will grow up and remember this lecture from you and apologize for being a brat to you. One can hope.
Thank you for understanding!
Thank you for understanding! I do feel my home is my territory and also my place of peace. When the peace and authority in my home is being completely disrespected it's so hard to hold my tongue and continue to allow to be taken from me as if I have zero authority in it. Especially when it comes to SS. It's like he had more adult status than I did. I do feel in some sense that I could have eased up. But I don't hold back when it comes to my own child. She gets disciplined when her behavior is bad and or etc. I feel it's only fair that he is held to the same standard as another child in the house. Everyone is equal no get special treatment. All the kids are loved and treated with respect but to the extent that they are the kids in this home. They don't run it me and DH do.
I thank you for your comments I appreciate it very much