I have a friend who really didn't get it either. She was just like, why don't you do this, or say this, or take them here...etc. "Erm, I can't because I am not a parent...have no legal rights (to some of the stuff she was suggesting)...they have a mom..."  She's come around, but I typically don't talk with her about SDs much at all and keep in brief if so.

Satan's spawn should have been eaten at birth.

That's why so many of us have to come here. I personally don't know any other SMs in real life, that I am close friends with. It is so easy for someone to say what "they would do" when they aren't in it. 

Once I was venting to my sister about SD10 and her ADHD, Depression, and Anxiety with no medication, therapy, follow up, NOTHING. She didn't understand why I just didn't take SD to the doctor myself. Um, because they are not my decisions to make. Sure, I have an opinion about what I think is right, but that doesn't mean I can do anything to control it. Thankful for sites like this!

I'm not a "bonus mom", she is just "my husband's daughter."

Likewise I have no problem if she calls me "My Dad's wife."

People who havent been thru it just dont understand.

As a SM with no bios like you, I think that it is probably a bit more of a separation from the "mom" role than for people that may already have kids of their own.  I'm not saying that SM's with kids don't have their own set of issues, but it is kind of a foreign land of children when you never had your own Bios.  I was assigned 5 and 9 yo girls when my husband and I met.  They are now both adults and it pains my MIL, to this day, that I will still claim that "they aren't my children and the great grands? I am NOT a grandmother"  Ohhh the horror.. how terrible I am not fawning all over those little bebeees.  Lady, get a grip.. I never had an infant or toddler, never (well only once) babysat kids under age 5, didn't have a sister or brother who had kids until I was in my late 40's and they don't live locally.  I did not have a friend set with small children.  They are alien to me, I don't have a strong maternal drive.. I don't know what you expect?  But, I was good to them.  I did help my husband with their care.  I did help guide them and help them to grow up to be good adults.. I have a good relationship with both.. a great relationship with the younger.  I care about both of them.. as people and as my husband's children.. but they are not my kids.  I was a mentor/role model/caretaker.. many things.. but I was not their mother.

Maybe it would be good to gently explain THAT to your friend.

"Hey, You may not realize this but different people have different kinds of stepfamily dynamics.  I know you mean well when you are wishing me a "happy bonus mom".. but honestly, I am not in that role with my husband's kids.  I don't have children, my husband does.  He is a great parent and is capable of caring for them when they are with us.  I'm sure you didn't realize it can be frustrating to be a stepmom because there can be a lot of underlying expectations by others that you are filling a motherly role with your spouse's kids, but for a variety of reasons, that is not always the case.  It is not the case in my situation and while I don't hate his kids, they already have two parents and don't need me to fill that role. So, if you could back down on the Bonus Mom stuff that would be great, I know you didn't mean for it to be a bad thing, but it does make me uncomfortable.'

my daughter is not his sister and my son is not his brother despite ss living in our marital home we were still referred to as strangers to his dad which my husband was deeply offended because he loves me and my kids and we are family and not strangers.

sd’s know me as daddys caucasian Christian whore (thats what bio mum referred me as to anybody who would listen), that backfired when sd’s and found out i was born and raised in the same religion as them...

the fact all skids shun me, take cheap digs at me or my kids etc yet bio mum is bragging to inlaws how i love her kids like my own... ummm just no!!

I have some well-meaning friends like that. Just recently during a girls trip, both of them were showering me with platitudes about how much I've had an impact on my skids. I just looked at them and laughed. I told them I appreciated their intent, but that the truth is far, far, far from it. They tried telling me how I loved them like my own and did more for them than their own mom. Which was true, but when I tried explaining that none of it mattered, they looked at me with blank stares. People just don't get what it's like to be a SM with a high conflict bm. Even if they are your best friend since middle school. I stopped trying to explain myself. 

Bonus mom? No way. I've been told by family, friends, my SO, and even SD9's teachers, that I am "her mom." She is with us for forty-five weeks each year. I am more present and active in her life than her BM is. I am expected to be the mom, even if I do not want that role/status. It's a lot of unfair pressure. It really sucks.

At one time, I really did care about and love my SD but I still didn't consider myself to be her "bonus mom".

If some step moms want to call themselves that, fine. If some step kids want to refer to their step parent as a bonus parent, fine. But other people do not get to designate that title, it's not their place.

My college BFF and one of my closest friends to this day was one who did not get it.  He took exception to my standards based parenting of SS and it amazed him that my DW was on board and fully involved in that model.

Oddly for argueably the most brilliant person I know he was clueless regarding the relationship between standards based parenting and my son who he has always held as the best behaved kid he has ever met.  

He follows what he calls limit based parenting with his daughter which he describes as she can do whatever she wants within the limits/boundaries he sets.  The problem is, he never sets boundaries.  As an example, it starts with:

1. Here is your activity bag, sit at your place at the table, play with your activities, eat your dinner and behave.

2. After about 10mins she would be standing on her chair, flopping on the floor, under the table though always able to touch her chair.  He would make a couple of attempts to put her in her seat with miserable failure so the limit would be, okay, you have to stay where you can touch your seat.

3. Then the limit would shift to being where she could touch the table.

4. Then the limit would be that she could not go farther than 2 tables in any direction.

5. After any number of steps she was running and screaming through the restaurant with him trying to catch her.

At the end of meeting them at a restaurant for dinner we were all exhaused and he was applogizing left right and center as he tried to cram her in her car seat and buckle her in before she could run off through the parking lot.

I would point out to him how he had always appreciated how my SS was the best behaved kid he had ever seen and would complain at the same time that we were too strict.  And I would hammer home the point that because we practiced zero tolerance standards barenting with escalating consequences for non compliance was why my Skid was the best behaved kid my friend had ever known.

To this day, his daughter is now in Middle School, she is running amok at escalating levels and he is mortified and embarrassed by his daughter.  Yet.... his stubborn commitment to his abject failure limit/boundary parenting model is mid boggling to me.  He points out that his daughter is adopted and nature is overcomming nurture. I just call bullshit, point out that my kid is adopted and that his lack of spine and ineffective application of or complete failure of consequences is his problem.

DW and I stuck to our commitment to standards based parenting and called him on his protests against that model and I never let hi slide on pointing out how my Skid is a well behaved polite and pleasant man who performs well in society and his kid is a trainwreck.  He gives me the sheepish "I know, I know" then keeps on doing what he has always done regarding his parenting failures.

Yeah the only people who really get it are those who've lived through it.  I have friends (a couple) who had a hellish experience with their adult kids.  The adult SD - then around 30 - even accused the husband of molesting her daughter - a complete lie as he was never even alone with the child.  She wanted the wife to leave the husband, come live with her, and take care of her 3 kids, clean the house, and cook so fabricated this lie.  Fortunately my friend didn't fall for it and eventually the SD divorced her bum husband and re-married (and recanted the whole molestation story, claiming it was her ex-husbands' idea).  They still have a strained relationship to this day as a result.  They definitely get it and are helpful to talk to, others not so much.

So I have always been a bit distant from people.  I'm just not a naturally maternal person, and so I've never felt like a "mom" to my skids.  A few times over the years they have told me happy Mother's Day, but honestly, I don't care if they do or don't.  I've come to the peaceful conclusion that there's nothing wrong with that - they were mostly grown when their dad and I got married (honestly I'm closer to SD bc she was younger, she's more driven like I was, and has a good head on her shoulders), so I wasn't really a mom figure to them.  I don't talk about that with people because so many people just think you should fit right in there and be a big happy loving family and that the burden is on the step parent to do everything to make it a blended union.  

Nope.