too much pressure to be a stepdad (gut feeling)
Hi everyone, I don't know really where to start or what to say. But to break it down shortly without Rampling on.
i meet my current partner a year ago, she has 4 children and I have two of my own. I currently live with my partner and her four children. I'm here today to say that I'm struggling to be a step dad to her four kids. I'm feeling so much pressure to be a role model for them. All 4 of her kids do not see her their dads as they have unfortunately wanted nothing to do with them. I feel so sorry for them especially when my own children have a loving mother and father. I don't want them calling me dad, is that horrible of me to be saying that. I do love my gf a lot but the pressures of being a step dad are taking a toll on my mental health. I sometimes think and wish that it was just me and my own children or I met someone else who have less children and/or have fathers in their lives. It's sounds so horrible to say but I'm thinking of calling it a day on the relationship becuase I do not want the responsibility, especially when none of the children have fathers in their lives. But saying that reason to my gf would break her heart for sure more than just saying it's not working out.
the children can be a right handful, they are so in your face all the time, constantly cuddling, sitting on laps, asking 24 questions as soon as I get in from work every single day, when I just want to relax. I also feel unease at time when they tell me they love me and my kids hear and I just don't know what to say. Her 4 kids ages Are between 1-10, so it's not like they are teenagers and are doing their own thing.
just wondering if anyone is in similar situations like me. Being a dad to 6 kids is a major toll in my eyes. And like I said previously I love my gf but being a dad to my own 2 children makes me feel my life can be much easier and stress free.
sorry in advance if I'm offending anyone, I'm just being honest with my feelings in my situation. I feel this in my gut that it's not gonna work out in the long term. Does everyone else listen to their gut ?
One question - is your GF
One question - is your GF pressuring you to be a father figure to her children or are you feeling the pressure because you think society expects that of you? If it's the former, it's a good idea to have a talk with her about how you can both agree on what is reasonable to expect from you. If it's the latter, give yourself some space. You might also consider whether moving in together was a good idea or if you need to move out and have your own space while you build your relationship. One year is not a lot of time, especially in a situation as complicated as yours.
Also, think about what you are really willing to put up with and be responsible. If you don't think you want to be responsible for another person's children, then entering into a relationship with a woman with multiple children and no other father figures might not be the best thing for you. Even if you and your gf reach and agreement on how you are not to be seen as the sole father figure, her children will likely see you acting as a father figure to your own children and you'll get stuck in that role as a default.
One of the most challenging aspects of being a stepparent is dealing with the expectations that others place on you. I can only speak from the perspective of the stepmother, but most SMs are expected to "love the children as their own" and play the "loving mother" role without actually parenting, because that would be stepping on BM's toes. I've had to really work hard to not care what other people (including some who are supposed to be "family" or "friends") think about me and focus on doing what I needed to do for my own mental health. When my DH and I were engaged, but not yet married, he pushed hard for us to be a "happy family", but he and I have since had a lot of discussions, some of which with a counselor, that have helped us reach a space where we can both feel comfortable.
To your question, I think it
To your question, I think it is both tbh but I don't think she realises she does it. I mean she's openly told me that the fathers are not involved. So I think she just assumes that I want to take on the role with open arms. I don't know at the end of the day with this pandemic that has come about, we decided to move in together. But I feel it's actually made it worse and if I was to move out now, she and I would go our separate ways. I really didn't realise how difficult it was actually going to be. I appreciate hearing your advice. I do care about her children but it's like I don't want the responsibility of the father figure. Should I be in a relationship with my gf if I don't want that responsibility?
To me, a woman with four kids
To me, a woman with four kids under the age of ten with multiple baby daddys is someone whose judgement is questionable, as was her decision to involve you with her kids so quickly. And the glib explanation that none of the fathers want to be involved is also suspect.
I think you should listen to your gut, because it's telling you that this situation isn't best for you or for your kids. Heck, it isn't good for your gf's kids, either. You minor children deserve to have a calm, stable life with a dad who puts them first. I suggest you move out, and focus on creating a high- quality life for yourself and your kids. Date if you want, but keep it separated from your responsibilities as a parent.
And add on to exjuliemccoy comment is the
Ages of these kids. If your 2 are much older, more pleasant, you’ll feel you’ve dealt with those initial tough years where a toddler heavily relies on you and is needy, attention seeking at times and needs you alot and it makes you feel like “I didn’t want to sign up for this”...
it seems op doesn’t want to really deal with the nurturing and teaching aspect of young skids but more act as a positive role model and thats is!! Thats ok and there is nothing wrong with it
also alot of divorced separated mummies are so desperate for another baby daddy or any moving man to be surrogate daddy and tell the kids “he’s your new daddy!!” And that isn’t ok!!!
i think you are at a point where you are asking yourself what am i getting out of this relationship that is meaningful and its pretty much nada... she isn’t contributed much positively to you then you need to consider that this isn’t the relationship for you
Thank you for your advice,
Thank you for your advice, all my friends are telling me to follow my gut becuase in your self if it doesn't feel right then you need to get out. I feel i have dug myself such a deep hole, being a role model to her kids and building a bond. I feel guilty if I make that decision to leave becuase it's not just my gf who is gonna be upset, the kids are as well. It's not their fault, their dads walked out on them but I feel her 4 kids have taken away my time with my kids.i used to pick up my own children when ever I want day or night. And now it's been reduced to weekends and that makes me sad.
I agree as well
You sound like a good Dad and loving boyfriend, but taking on other people's children is a LOT. And this situation is x4! I agree that 4 babies under 10 -- why in the world did that even happen? If she's not stable with sound judgement, you could end up being their only mature adult role model. If I were you, I would feel trapped if I took the commitment any further. And I'd hate to see your own kids pay the price because you spread yourself too thin. If you can, move out and see what happes. Things might fall apart naturally once you're not around to help with the day:day. I wish you all good luck!
I agree with all the
I agree with all the excellent advice given above. I'd just like to add one thing ... PLEASE make sure there isn't an "oops" pregnancy (the likeliest time is when you tell her you're moving out) or you'll be tied to all of this forever...
Please take back your life and go back to being a full-time father to your kids. You deserve so much better than what you have on your plate right now ... and so do your children. How old are they, by the way?
She has been sterilised so
She has been sterilised so she cannot have anymore kids. So I won't get that answer if I choose to leave. My children are 3 and 8, I feel my eldest son notices that I have to give attention to the other 4 children. It gets awkward when they kiss and hug me personally and my 8 yr old watches on. He misses me him and his brother just going out by ourselves
I just wanna say, she hasn't
I just wanna say, she hasn't been a controlling or bad gf at all. She has given me everything, a place to live for me and my children. She herself has given me so much love. More than my ex did tbh and I think that might be the problem where I have also had everything handed to me instead of working for it so to speak? She hasn't put pressure on me to be a father to them but I think she looks at it, well your living here and we are a family so you might as well be their dad. Tbh when she said the word family, it scared me a lot. Becuase it just reminded me of the family I once had. I am over my ex by the way but it really just threw me off
Not to be crass
Not to be crass but I am pretty sure that handing a guy "so much love without having to work for it" is how she ended up with 4 kids under 10 and no father for any of them. Especially if she is also giving out free room and board with the deal, there will be a replacement "daddy" in there in no time doing the job. Save yourself.
How many baby daddies does
How many baby daddies does your GF have for her 4 kids? I would surmise that it is your GF that is the problem and not necessarily her 4 fatherless needy young children who are naturally clamoring for a daddy.
I rarely take a "kids come first" stance. But in this case, your kids should come first. They are young and from what you said are in need of reassurance from you that they are at least at parity with your 4 skids by who knows how many baby daddies. My stance is that the SOs and their relationship comes before all else. The partners and the relationship are the irrefutable top priority. Kids are the top relationship responsibility but never trump the adult relationship as priority. Except with your case, this perspective I have long held does not hold. You, and your children are the exception to this rule.
I am a StepDad who has no BioKids. I raised my SS-27 as my own since his mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. His dad is the male equivalent of your GF. He has 4 all out of wedlock children by 3 different baby mamas. Our son is his eldest and our only. I had no reservations about marrying my wife and raising her son as my own. But... I would have had severe reservations about making a life with my wife if I had two young kids of my own and she had 4 all under 10 by who knows how many baby daddies. Nope, not a good bet.
It is not your gut that is telling you that this is an untenable situation. It is your brain kicking you in the stomach. Use your brain. Emotion and guilt are not effective decisioning tools.
Bet on you and your own children and get a home where you can engage and grow your own life. When the right one comes along she will not have the baggage that this one has and she will be additive to your life and the life of your kids rather than the Succubus matriarch of 4 fatherless children.
Take care of you. Be happy. Move on.
Wow thank you for your
Wow thank you for your opinion on my matter, I feel after talking with friends and getting the advice from lovely non judgemental people on this site, I know deep down I know I have to part way and focus on myself and my two children. Tbh I know my eldest would be really happy about this decision. He doesn't dislike the other children but they just got different characteristics to him. The problem now is do I tell her it's becuase I don't want the responsibility or to just say I feel it's not working out ?
You don't have to go into
You don't have to go into deep explanation. Just tell her that you are not at a point in your life where you can give the relationship all that it will require to succeed. That is a neutral-ish position that should not be offensive to her or judgemental regarding her children and lets you both move on with some dignity. It also lets her interpret however she chooses rather than throwing either of you under the bus as the reason for the end of the relationship.
Don't beat yourself up over this. It is just a relationship that is not meant to be. We all have had them.
Take care of you and learn what about this didn't work and also what was appealing. Eventually THE one will have all of the best characteristics of all of your Xs and several her own that make the two of you the right fit.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thank you for your advice, I
Thank you for your advice, I know what I have to do now for the sake of my health and my children.
Ooooh....
Oooh, good one Rags...."I am not at a point in my life where I can give the relationship all that it will require to succeed."
But to question, there are 3
But to question, there are 3 daddies to the 4 children. Maybe if they were involved it would be different but I really can't take that pressure of been a role model for all of them. I understand totally about using your brain for this one, I do love her though and it will be hard for me as well, cause I will miss the kids and her but in the long run I do feel it's for the best. Correct me if I'm wrong
Anyone can choose one bad
Anyone can choose one bad partner and make the mistake of having a kid or two with them. It takes a special kind of dysfunction to breed with three of them. Cut your losses, man.
You're not wrong.
IMHO, if anything, it would be much harder if any of the three spermdonors where involved. For some reason an active X seems to make things that much more difficult.
My SS's half sister (Spermidiot spawn #2) has a mother that was much more involved that the BM of the Sperm idiot's youngest two. SpermGrandHag complained far more about my DW and baby mama #2 than she did about baby mama #3 because my DW and baby mama #2 were assertively involved with their Spermidiot spawned children. Baby mama #3 took the CS money and ran leaving SpermGrandHag to raise her two sons by the Spermidiot. As long as the Hag kept paying the Spermidiot's CS, baby mama #3 stayed out of their lives. Baby mama #2 lived up the street from SpermGrandHag and made it clear that if SpermGrandHag pissed her off that the daughter would be back in the BM's house post haste.
Involved or not, 4 Skids and a SO who has such compromised judgement as to end up with 4 kids by 3 baby daddies is a difficult situation to justify for you and your young kids.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
The words
"Its not working out for me". Make it a clean break and dont go back. It will be tempting because she is a loving person.
She is a very loving person
She is a very loving person which makes it quite hard. She does try so much because I feel she knows she has messed up in her past but there will be someone who would want to do this job
What ever way you want to cut it
You are going to be " the father to het kids" if you stay. She wants her happy family. You will be going on vacation with her kids, ect. Paying for things for them. She wants a happy family. That you and her and her kids.
I know how you feel. Do not
I know how you feel. Do not feel guilty for making a decision to leave. For whatever reason, you and your kids are not thriving in this relationship. It takes more from you and your kids than it gives. One or more of the dads may show up and decide to be involved. I think that would likely make things even harder. It did in my situation. My SO has 2 BMs, and they don't actually help anything. They just fk things up more and contribute nothing. I think it's possible to make these situations work if both partners make good choices going forward, run a tight ship, and work together for the betterment of the family. A lot of these single parents continue to make bad choices, though, or are so used to drama that they invite it into their daily lives, making it impossible for the family to thrive. I say this as a single parent myself. Your kids need you. They need the best of you, and if this situation does not allow you to give them your best, it's ok to leave.
Hi guys (here's my current
Hi guys (here's my current update)
todays the day I am going to part ways with my gf and her children. I remember RAG said don't let guilt and emotions control a decision. I am find this incredibly hard to do. As I'm writing this I'm tearing up and I'm saying this straight I do love her and that's what's making this so much harder for me to do. I do wish I never got so deeply involved so quick. I know I need to man up have the Dutch courage to put an end to it all. As I said before my decision for wanting to leave her is solely for the pressures of being a step dad to her children. Surely I can't tell her that is the reason? It will break her heart. Plus I know I will get upset during this convo I have with her. Just feel very emotional at this time and thank you for your lovely comments
Look at this from another
Look at this from another angle. Yes, you love her but you should love (and respect) yourself more. Yes, it will break her heart but it will hurt a sight less than if you break up with her 5 years down the road. Another thing, don't you think your kids deserve better? Remind yourself that she chose to have 4 kids and that they are her responsibility. Do any of the fathers pay child support? Why are they estranged?
I suggest you move out with your kids and continue to date her if you choose to do so but don't stay in a situation that makes you AND your kids miserable. Do not stay out of a misplaced sense of guilt. By staying, you are only making things worse for all involved. Take the emotion out of the equation and take a long hard look at what's left.
No fathers in the picture,
No fathers in the picture, they all walked out the kids lives and that's where the pressure is for me. I miss my days with my kids just by myself and I can have that back in a flash. I'm just such a wimp when it comes to confrontation as upsetting as it is. It builds my anxiety up massively but I know it has to be done. Thing is I will miss her kids as well but the long run I don't want the burden of that father role in me
Coming from a person just out
Coming from a person just out of the relationship with someone with kids, I don't find it worth it. It's upsetting to think you might upset her and the kids but your children are your priority and if you are not ready to be that step father figure, there is nothing wrong with that. Please please listen to your gut. I took to long to realize and it just made it harder in the end.
Thank you for your advice, if
Thank you for your advice, if you don't mind me asking how did your ex react and did you say goodbye to the kids before you left? My kids are my top priority, they really are and it's one of the reasons I have to leave. Should I tell her that I'm not ready to be a step father or shall I use the typical it's not working out ?
I would suggest that you take
I would suggest that you take a look at the common denominator in all of this. Your GF is the common denominator. She has three former breeding partners who have left the picture. She raises her children, their behavior is behavior that she has instilled in them as their only parent.
From an intellectual perspective... what is so appealing about her and what is it about her that you love so much? If she were worth a crap as a parent she would not be running off her breeding partners nor letting her children run off her chosen man of the moment either.
There really cannot be anything that appealing about this person. Nothing that makes sense when emotion is filtered out.
As for what to say... "I am not a point in my life where I can give this relationship what it will take to make it successful. I am moving out. Good bye." No deep conversation, do not subject either you or her to a painful tearfest, and leave any discussion with her children up to her. You focus on your kids.
You have a choice between intense short term pain with the prospect of future happiness for yourself and your kids of long term misery with bouts of intermittent enjoyment.
Whatever you do, you have to make a choice and commit to that choice. Waffling is not good for anyone and puts 6 kids in a blender of uncertainty.
You may try getting hold of all of her Xs to get their take on your partner and the cause of her serial breeding within failed relationships and her seemingly never ending quest for a daddy for her children. Do what you have to do in order to put yourself in the place you need to be to get on with life. Whatever your choice is.
Hi guys, I finally told her
Hi guys, I finally told her how I feel about the whole situation and that I felt that I was losing all my alone time with my kids due to me living with her and her children.
To say that it went well, I would be lying but I had to do what my gut was telling me. I do feel awful and I miss her a lot becuase she did provide me the love that no one ever has. As a person and a gf she was very loving. I did tell her that I wanted to spend alone time with just my kids and that I felt I couldn't do that with herself and my kids in the picture. She actually said go and spend time with your kids then, take a break from us and focus on them. So it kinda threw me back, because I wasn't expecting that answer. But I just kept on repeating I just want it to be me and my boys and that's it.
she was inconsolable and I didn't know what to do to try and comfort her. She was so upset she even got her kids to come into the kitchen and come and say goodbye because I'm leaving. I was annoyed she done this because it's not fair on them to witness that because at the end of the day they are just innocent children in all this.
I told my son that we won't be staying there over the weekend and he was really really happy. So it kind made things slightly easier for me. He didn't like 3 out of 4 kids because he found them so in your face and he felt like he wasn't able to breathe (his words not mine). My son is different, he's very quiet and content where as the others are loud and run about the house. There's nothing wrong with this Ofcourse, kids are kids and every child is different.
but yes overall I do love her as a gf and I miss her a lot and I know she loves me, but in the long run thar pressure of being a step dad was too much for me. Maybe if they went to see their dads on weekends it might of been different but like a lot of you said it's not my responsibility to look after her children.
we do still text and I know that needs to stop to fully move on but I will admit it is a struggle but my brain is in the lead at the mo rather than my heart
jord
Dude, she had zero issues
Dude, she had zero issues using her own children to try to manipulate you. She didn't care that it would hurt HER OWN KIDS. She is as toxic as the day is long. Please stop communicating with her before she gets her hooks into you again. This woman is bad, bad news.
I've been thinking about you
Thanks for letting us know how things turned out. Wishing you the best. You seem like a good guy with a sensible head on your shoulders. Good luck.
It will get easier as time
It will get easier as time goes by. I know its extremely hard when you love the parent but their kids are demons. A friend of mine has 3 kids (12,10,7) with 2 different dads , both dads are out of the picture completely. She met a lovely man a couple of years ago and they married , he has no children of his own though. As much as i love my friend,, i dont think her DH realised quite what he was getting into with all her brats,, and yes they are hyper rude clingy brats! Whenever i go to their house, the kids are screaming or fighting , there is mess everywhere and the DH is hiding away in his shed the whole time. He always looks so stressed now and literally has no money as these kids are just eating machines. Im safe to say , if he knew back then when they first met what he knows now ,, i dont think he would have entered a relationship with her. I think youve done the right thing by calling it off with your GF for the sake of your own kids and your sanity