Has OSS done PAS to himself or is he just a jerk?
In my opinion BM has been a bit too enmeshed with OSS19 and YSS17 but not to the same insane levels I read about here.
OSS did no bday, Xmas or Father's Day presents and didn't even acknowledge DH on Fathers Day. He isn't responding to DHs texts or calls even when DH is offering him a chance to make some $$. We've seen him once since the pandemic hit and I think it was only to come over to see DS.
Today DH mentioned that the only other time he's talked to OSS was when OSS got really snide about an insurance issue. (We changed insurances and it all looked fine for everyone but apparently a med that OSS takes was covered differently and DH and BM has to do a little legwork. For the record BM had no problem with the situation. This is not a life saving or life sustaining med)
OSS apparently stated that we didn't consider him at all when we changed insurance. What kid-adult holds a grudge about a med? DH said he doesn't have the kind of relationship he thought he had with his kid and corrected himself to say he doesn't have a relationship with his kid.
DH and BM have a decent relationship now. He's thinking of asking her to talk to OSS (not to find out what's wrong but to throw down a little parenting and revisit manners). Would you do that?
(XH and I have always been a team but DH and BM weren't so I am thinking this could backfire on DH because it would look like he specifically asked BM to be his enforcer.)
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I have a few different
I have a few different thoughts, and the truth is that it's probably a mix of everything.
Your DH wasn't a great dad, or a good role model for how people should treat others in a relationship. OSS didn't get the guidance and support he needed because your DH had the mentality of "not MY son!" So, in addition to the stress that comes from being a COD (which is there, especially if your parents don't get along), OSS has had a father who didn't guide him and who demonstrated that it's okay to treat others poorly so long as you get what you want/need.
Reaching out to BM isn't going to help. It's your DH's attempt to shift blame off himself. If he wants OSS back, then he has to be better himself and not come across as a hypocrite.
Agreed
And that adds the dimension I didn't discuss when I figured DH asking BM to do it would not work.
He's 19. It's time for SS to
He's 19. It's time for SS to learn about the real world. In the real world insurance companies change what they cover all the time. The same issue with the prescription could have happened even the insurance stayed the same. I had a long standing prescription. In December my copay was $30. In January it wasn't covered at all and cost almost $300. Fortunately, I was able to switch to a bioidentical that was covered.
I'd be tempted to tell SS that he is a legal adult. If he's not happy with the insurance, he is free to get a full time job and provide his own.
That was exactly what I said
When DH told me.
And then he said he's obligated to insure OSS. I asked if it was in the divorce decree. He said until 26. I told him that the law is you can keep your children on your insurance through 26--but you don't have to. OSS could get his own.
I am amazed at the number of people who misunderstand this!
I am amazed at the number of people who misunderstand this! My own DH thought it was mandatory as well - until I straightened him out. We provide insurance for his twenty something daughter, who recently "disowned" him as a father. I told him that come the first of the year we will no longer be covering her insurance, even though it does not cost us anything extra. I'd do it now, but it seems wrong to do it in the middle of a pandemic.
My SS20 hasn't been
My SS20 hasn't been responding to DH lately, either. We have no snit to tie it to, he just stopped responding for whatever reason. I'm sure he would say that DH was a terrible father, but that's all just BM's doing. And DH certainly didn't teach him it was okay to treat people poorly.
Frankly, I'd suggest he just let OSS know that when he's ready to talk, he's there, and let it go. He's being an entitled twit, he's lucky you guys even carry his insurance. My SS is an entitled twit, too, he just knows from experience that bad behavior doesn't get him any rewards from DH.
No, he shouldn't reach out to BM. His son is an adult, and their relationship is between them.
What I want to do: “Look you entitled
Little shit, your father and mother are under no obligation generally as parents to cover your butt for anything once you become a legal adult. And for the record their divorce decree says he could stop carrying you when you graduated HS or turn 19, whichever comes first." In an in-person conversation because that's the kind of thing I would say to my kid.
I let DH know about his legal obligation being over and of course he jumped on me that I said to cut off OSS. I jumped right back on him that he didn't listen but assumed the worst. It's a piece of information to have should he end up taking to OSS and it comes up. I never said to cut off the kid nor did I imply it. It's a handy piece of info to state when the kid gets uppity and entitled.
DS and a friend are here right now helping DH. There's not a issue with their attitudes or respect. And maybe that's also rubbing DH the wrong way.
Agreed. If my SS ever did
Agreed. If my SS ever did this (he wouldn't dare), DH would say, "you are lucky we cover your insurance."
He is 19 and any parent should not at that stage need to
Take out insurance considering him 100% over and above a spouse/de facto partner