Crazy ex wife
Hi! Great to be a part of this forum.
I am 32 years old and my boyfriend (on and off for 7 years) is double my age (57). He has two teenage girls who are wonderful.
However, the ex-wife is insane. A few weeks ago, she came over here and demanded to talk to him (as she always does) alone. She even tried to track him down in OUR bedroom. When she's around, she barely looks at me. Absolutely does NOT talk to me.
She has mental health issues that are very visible and I can sympathize there. However, how do I manage her insane behavior in my own home?
My boyfriend has had conversations with her regarding the fact that this is also my home and she cannot behave that way in this house. But they fall on deaf ears, of course. I take care of her children every other week - all day - while their dad is at work. It's a lot of pressure and responsiblity and goes completely unnoticed by her.
I might just be here to vent but are there any coping tools you guys have used to deal with crazy ex-wives?
So appreciate any input you may have!
Why does she have access to
Why does she have access to your home and property? Time to file an RO/PO keeping her the hell off of your property and also have you attorney send a C&D demand to get her to stay away. After that you can have law enforcement frog march her off of your property in hand cuffs.
That your DH has not dealt with this effectively is mind boggling to me. He and you need to give her complete, absolute and very painful clarity that she will never again violate your property/home.
Why on and off ? Is it your
Why on and off ? Is it your place , his or together?
on and off because I was very
on and off because I was very young (24) and not ready to get serious yet. and there were physical moves in between for both of us. timing was never right. but have been 'together together' for 3 years.
she was in our home because of at-home graduation for one of the girls because of covid.
our relationship is incredibly solid. it's really HER. loose cannon, cannot predict her behavior etc.
I relate
I completely understand. The BM in my scenario is bipolar and flat out crazy. I went to therapy because I needed someone to help me, she was getting so bad. I have had her show up unexpected, whenever she wanted, crying, just in my driveway, walked into my house, crashed my kids birthday.. and we set rules she can pull in and pick up the kids but absolutely is not welcome inside. She follows the rules for a few months and goes right back to making excuses that she has to drop off something to the kids, or whatever. I finally had enough and blew up at her a few months ago and now the only way I can deal with her is to not have any interaction. Her life is a total mess and I cant have her sabotaging my own health.
This site helps. It's nice to know others can give advice. I dont feel there is enough help or resources for families that have to deal with the severity of nonsense some mentally ill people inflict on them. She always wants us to bend for her but she is unwilling to do the same. She makes super bad choices and has caused a lot of trauma and drama and just doesnt ever see her part in it. It's odd. I have to practice not engaging and not get sucked back in. Sometimes that is really hard.
If your BF won't take care
If your BF won't take care you keep his drama away from you, then it's up to you to do it. You explain to him that your home is your sanctuary and the only ones allowed inside are friends of the relationship. This has to be a hill to die on. You can't spend the rest of your life feeling intruded upon, upset, disregarded, disrespected and any other feelings she makes you feel. Keep the doors locked. She can't just walk in then. The teens need to be made aware of that BM is no longer allowed in the house. Those days are over. If she gets in , warn her she is trespassing and to leave 9or you will call the cops on her. Most importantly follow thru on it. Don't let BF talk you out of it. He will have to make a choice. You or her.
I did make that call once. It only took once in my case.
We’ve had family gatherings at my home and never have
My inlaws barged or entered my bedroom!! How the heck the exwife thinks this is acceptable is mind boggling
Why are you babysitting a
Why are you babysitting a pair of teenagers?
Your boyfriend needs to stop
Your boyfriend needs to stop "talking to her" and set some firm boundaries. Tell her to leave when she shows up unannounced. I hope he told her that given her behavior she would not be welcome in your home in the future, but I'm betting he didn't. He just "talked to her" about it? He probably doesn't want to "rock the boat", right?
Your BF is not protecting you from his ex-wife, which is the real problem here, not HER.
Oy... so much to say here.
Oy... so much to say here.
1) Are you working? If not, you need to be. Do NOT be financially reliant on this or any man for that matter.
2) Why are you "taking care" of teenagers? They can fend for themselves during the day until their father gets home.
3) Why is BM allowed in your home? Your BF needs to end that NOW.
4) If she is so unstable, why does she have these teens 1/2 the time? Is she currently off her meds?
Welcome to the site!
No need to babysit teenagers - knock that on the head straight away. Do not allow BM into your home under any circumstances. If necessary, get a phone or video doorbell so you can see who it is without opening the door.
Lock the doors to your house?
Lock the doors to your house? I mean I don't understand why someone who doesn't live at your house has a way in....if he's letting her in the tell him that in the future he needs to go outside instead of her coming in. If the girls are letting them in the tell them please not to let anyone in the house except people who live there. I mean even my 5 year old knows not to let my mom or cops or anyone in the house.
thank you so much everyone.
thank you so much everyone.
she doesn't just show up unannounced. we had a graduation get together for the older SD (14) so she had to be here.
she's just extremely self centered and borderline. unsure re meds. kind of baffles me that she has kids 1/2 time also. BF is really a great guy -- he did 'talk to her' but i am sure there was a bit of caution and hesistation so as to not 'rock the boat'.
jealousy is definitely a real thing. i. just feel my resentments building not only toward her but toward BF. I am absolutely NOT trying to play nanny here. the girls are 14 and 12.
i do work. i just work from home (my own company). so i am grateful for that but the scenario is ideal for BF as I am home all day and he does not need to find someone to keep an eye on the kids.
I would suggest revisiting
I would suggest revisiting your thinking on "she has to be here" for the grad party. No she does not....she can have her own grad party.
Do not ever let her enter your home again for any reason and if your BF doesn't agree....pack your bags.
I am on team "pack his bags".
I am on team "pack his bags".
It is fine to joint parties
It is fine to joint parties and celebrations- IF SHE CAN BE DECENT. Since she can't she loses that opportunity.
BM
She is not your problem to take care of, BF MUSt take that on to your satusfaction. She is not to be allowed in your household in the future for ANY reason. She can pee her pants.
Please, take this in the best way possible. If you are starting to feel resentment, then it will continue to build. What are your resentments? If its BM-related: you will not recieve and ounce of recognition or appreciation, nor gold stars for everything you do. Just have to accept that.
Good luck!
hmmm i think your BF needs to
hmmm i think your BF needs to be firmer with boundires and the ex-wife. these things dont usually get better , they get worse. you wouldnt be on this site if things were kind of ok. and its never just one person contirbuting to the issues, its several.....i.e. your BF is not firm enough with the ex and you are not firm enough with your BF. A man who worries about 'rocking the boat' with the ex , is essentially putting her feelings first
YES! My DH did this for a
YES! My DH did this for a couple of years and then quickly realized that he was ruining our marriage by putting another woman first....and it finally stopped.
My MIL was doing the same for years, putting BM before her own son and I....he basically had to tell her off finally.....and then she stopped. The last straw was our shared infant being in MILs care and BM stopping by and coming in to visit....I went totally bat shit crazy.....