Disengagement tip needed for specific situation

Hi all. Long time, no post! Quick reminder of my situation: I have 2 bios and 3 steps. I adore two of my steps and the other one is the devil. She is insanely mean and her dad is always making excuses for her. Same story you've read on here a hundred times.

Anyway, I've totally disengaged from her (she's fifteen) - she doesn't acknowledge I exist, so I do the same. I never do her laundry, cook for her, buy her anything, etc. However, I need help figuring out how to tackle disengagement with a very gross issue.

With 5 kids in the house - she is the ONLY ONE who still doesn't flush the damn toilet. It is SO GROSS. In the past, I have asked her to please come back and flush it but she just keeps walking and pretends she doesn't hear me. I have tried asking my husband to have a talk with her, but he always just says "how do you know it was her?" Ummmmm.... because she was the last one to use it?! Deaf ears, no use.

I have even tried saying to my husband, "can you please go flush the toilet?" and he just sighs heavily, stomps in there and flushes it like "what's the big deal?" - his anger is turned towards ME for pointing it out, rather than at her for not flushing.

Any suggestions?

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My first thought was

My first thought was HUMILIATE her to the utmost. And I am not joking.

FAcebook-here is a little

FAcebook-here is a little gift and tag the devil that devil left behind for me

have even tried saying to my

have even tried saying to my husband, "can you please go flush the toilet?" and he just sighs heavily, stomps in there and flushes it like "what's the big deal?" - his anger is turned towards ME for pointing it out, rather than at her for not flushing.

Any suggestions?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Keep doing this over and over and over. He will get it eventually.

^ this Or if you have another

^ this

Or if you have another bathroom that the kids don't use just do not go into the kids bathroom ever and let dad and the kids deal with it. Right now Sd knows that she is getting to you. If you remove her enjoyment of that control she will have no reason to continue. Either that or the others in the house will soon work out it is her and embarrass her enough that she starts to flush.

I'm sure that also comes with

I'm sure that also comes with a healthy dose of "well, if you were in there and noticed it why didn't YOU flush it instead of making me get up" whine, whine whine.

As other's have already said, this "habit" will make her patently unpopular. Explain to your DH that there are one of 2 things going on here.

1. She is just completely clueless that this needs to be done.
That's fine, even MORE of a reason why her daddy needs to enforce that she goes back in there and flushes it herself. He needs to teach his snowflake.

2. This is her passive aggressive way to act out.
This is not fine. This is cause for daddy to have a come to Jesus meeting with snowflake on what her punishment will be for this action.

Either way, she is either clueless or she is being an ahole. Either way DH needs to parent his kid.

If you are stuck where he isn't there to follow up, this is your one permission for the sake of cleanliness to enforce that SHE goes back and flushes. No ignore is allowed on her end. and she needs to understand that backtalk, ignorance etc will be harshly dealt with by DH when he comes home.

In my head you could have so

In my head you could have so much fun with this using hazard tape and megaphones, or setting off alarms when you find a turd. Pity it probably wouldn't be a productive solution, but it definitely be amusing.

haha like the minions.

Disgusting. Make it their

Disgusting. Make it their problem. SD doesn't flush, her favorite shirt accidently gets dropped in with her waste that she couldn't be bothered to remove with one downward pull of the handle.

Have DH'S family, friends and work colleagues over and be sure to announce SD'S problem and that DH is working with her on it.

I love this one. Actually I

I love this one. Actually I was thinking more on the line of depositing the turd on her pillow. (I'm used to picking up dog poop and disposing of it).

I like that better. Her

I like that better. Her waste needs to be her problem. Placing it on her pillow would be priceless.

FINALLY!! Something on

FINALLY!! Something on which we can agree. I am completely disengaged from day to day kids stuff.

When it comes to my house, however, that is quite a different story. There is a huge difference between disengagement and disrespect.

call her out loudly each

call her out loudly each time, so the other kids hear. Two things will happen, they will tell her she is gross and they will all clearly let DH know it is not them.

Or... when she has friends

Or... when she has friends over, you pop your head into her room and say... I saw your poop in the toilet this morning when you forgot to flush it again, looks like you need more fiber in your diet.

Embarrassment and humiliation

Embarrassment and humiliation work especially well with teens.

Do you have access to her social media? Post a reminder to flush on her wall. Post a complaint about her disgusting bathroom habits on your own wall. Or, take photos and threaten to share them with her friends if she doesn't straighten up.

You need to be a ruthless alpha bitch with her.

You know what's uncool? a

You know what's uncool? a FIFTEEN year old that doesn't flush the toilet and intentionally leaves her waste products for other people to deal with.

If my BOSS had to chase me around and ask me to flush the toilet I think I would be out of a job.

If all her reminding and nagging haven't gotten through the kid's head, a little dose of "embarrassment" may be the only thing that gets through to her.

Do you think it might be nauseating and embarrassing when the OP has guests over and they go into a bathroom with a floater?

If the girl doesn't have the capacity to remember I give her a pass, but from the OP's post, it must be practically INTENTIONAL and that is NOT acceptable behavior.

If I were an ass enough to

If I were an ass enough to leave poop in my boss's toilet he would be ABSOLUTELY correct to embarrass and humiliate me.

Literally shitting in people's lives deserves humiliation.

Yeah, it is going to be

Yeah, it is going to be OK.

And, if I was animal enough to be the anonymous pooper, I would absolutely deserve the shame and humiliation.

Sometimes you got to do what works.

I have no idea who you are,

I have no idea who you are, so I find it interesting that you think my response was "predictable."

Move along, please

WTF is WRONG with shaming,

WTF is WRONG with shaming, embarrassing and humiliating complete and utter assholes?

Are you one of those people that think we should never hurt anybody's little fee fees?

Do you think it's wrong that we send people to prison (OMG it's so shameful) when they rape and murder young children? (or adults) Do you think we should go back to the days when people hid those offenses under the rug and let the victims just suffer?

Should we HIDE the FACTS when people actually do horrible shameful things? OMG it might embarrass them if we find out they embezzled all that money?

I do not believe in humiliating people who make honest mistakes. If someone forgets to do something (truly forgets) or just makes a wrong choice that is not inherently illegal or immoral and something bad happens as a result they do not deserve shame. A private note to do better next time - but not public shame.

Or people who have atoned for past misdeeds. I know a man who went to prison in his early 20s for bad checks. It's 35 years later and he has led an exemplary life. I would NEVER approve of anyone trying to humiliate him or shame him for past actions that he has never repeated.

I would not humiliate a 5 year old who is still learning. But a 15 year old who basically is saying a big EFF YOU - gloves off.

Someone who is actively engaging in horrible shit - sure shame, humiliate, embarrass and inflict any punishments appropriate.

That's it-I'm leaving my

That's it-I'm leaving my husband and moving in with you.

I could not agree more-of course we would not shame a three-year-old for not flushing the toilet, but a 15-year-old? Especially when that 15-year-old flushes the toilet at school, at friends houses, every other freaking place except your own home?

No-that is a big F you. As I always say, don't want to be humiliated? Don't do stupid shit that's going to be humiliating.

I have no skids living with

I have no skids living with me. Doesn't that entice you further?

I know you are in Michigan - have I ever said that I lived there for about 9 years as a child. My dad grew up on Wanda Avenue in inner Detroit where we lived until I was 6. We moved to the "suburbs" of Hazel Park where I went to school just a few blocks from the now infamous 8 Mile Road.

Let's all go meet up in New Orleans (where I lived pre Katrina) - my favorite place in the world.

Yeah, it may entice me I,

Yeah, it may entice me

I, too, lived in Detroit until I was 5. Our suburb was a little farther out there in Oakland County.

You would be surprised if you saw parts of 8 Mile now - redeveloped and more of a "Ferndale" place than a Detroit place....

I LOVE N'Awlins!!!

Notasm, I am girl crushing on

Notasm, I am girl crushing on you the last few days.

Right???

I love girl crushes. One of

I love girl crushes. One of my BFFs who was a roommate for awhile after a nasty divorce told me that she would be a lesbian in a minute if it weren't for that "physical stuff". I still laugh about that.

I'm pretty sure that we said

I'm pretty sure that we said if they have already tried education, reminders, nagging and STILL are not flushing at FIFTEEN. if this is being done intentionally, a bruised ego may be one of the only live rounds in the arsenal of step parent motivation.

OMG-live rounds in the

OMG-live rounds in the arsenal of step parenting!

I love it!

That is gross and being

That is gross and being disengaged from her does not mean you can't address this with her, and with your DH.

Every single time she does not flush - and as long as you know 100% it is her of course - make a stink (no pun intended LOL) about it

Ask her to flush the toilet, repeat it, in front of the other kids and your DH if you have to. Comment that's it's disgusting, she needs to flush the toliet. Insist DH flush it

You are not out of line, she is acting like a pig and you don't have to tolerate that in your house

Otherwise, ignore her!

For some light amusement when

For some light amusement when it all gets too much (or with the whole family to see if sd gets the message) watch the mad pooper episode of bobs burgers.

If you live in the country,

If you live in the country, give her & bag or a shovel & send her outside until she can flush. If you're in a city, she can use a store or restaurant bathroom. I wouldn't put up with that. Stand outside the door, if it isn't flushed ask her to go back in & flush. So gross. Your DH needs to deal with that. No man of quality will want to marry someone with such atrocious bathroom habits. I'm guessing we're talking #2 here.

In my house, it's not poop in

In my house, it's not poop in the toilet, but rather baby voice's hair in the shower.

Every once in a while, I have to go into the skids bathroom because that's where we store all the extra bathroom items. Every time I go in there, there is a giant glob of baby voice's very long curly hair stuck to the side of the shower or laying on the floor or piled up in the sink.

After I squelch the urge to vomit, I simply send baby voice a text-"get your hair out of the bathroom. It's gross!"

She complained, or rather "told on" me to DH once. He looked at her and said "if you don't want her sending you texts about your hair in the bathroom, maybe you should make sure your hair is not anywhere in the bathroom. It IS gross!"

He was never so sexy in my eyes!

Why is this? SD12 does the

Why is this?
SD12 does the same thing - she's got very long hair and doesn't wash it much. So when she does a lot of loose hair comes off her head. She FLINGS it, literally has to, against the far shower wall. Where it dries. She also uses so much conditioner it builds up in the drain screen so that has to be cleaned off every time she uses the shower (about 1 time a week).

I have begun to take that hair and leave it on her bed.
I don't clean the SDs bathroom, but dang it, if SD10 wants to shower she shouldn't have to clean the tub first. And I don't permit my house to be a pit.

I'm not sure why it's an

I'm not sure why it's an issue. I have curly hair, but I also have manners and so I've always cleared the drain after I shower.

Like I said, I rarely going to the skids bathroom, so I don't really care all that much about what goes on in there.

However, at least once a month I have to bark at my DH to have the kids clean the bathroom. Not that they do a very good job.

I just don't understand The not picking up after yourself thing. I wasn't raised that way, I did not raise my children that way, but I have no control over how my husband decides to parents, or not the parent, his children. I just close the door and for bid any of them to use my bathroom. Well, my husband can use my bathroom because he knows how to pee in the toilet!

I am the one at our house who

I am the one at our house who looses hair like crazy. It is everywhere I swear. I should be bald..lol. But I make sure I clean up the floor and the tub. Heck it grosses me out so I can't imagine how someone else would feel...except fiance does snake my drain for me. He gets it as he used to have hair as long as mine in his bad boys days.

I don't allow skids to use my

I don't allow skids to use my bathroom because they can't seem to get ALL the pee into the toilet.
Their bathroom is vile. Toilet is almost always unflushed. I used to worry about it. I used to flush it for them. Now I just shut the door to keep the smell in. When it gets bad enough, DH will do something about it.

It is your household and she

It is your household and she needs to respect household rules (like flushing the toilet) even if you are disengaged. I would be livid at my DH if he responded the way yours did. I also think it's his job to get her to start flushing. If he's not doing this, then every time she steps into a bathroom, you should tell him he has to wait until she's done and go in there and flush for her. I've told my SS that he's only allowed to use one bathroom in the house because he can't respectfully share toilets with other people. I have to continually remind him, but I make it very clear that he is not welcome to use any other bathrooms in the house because he can't grasp bathroom etiquette.

Had this situation with both

Had this situation with both SDs when I first moved in with DP. Neither of them would use TP or flush. Drove me INSANE. We had one bathroom.

I dang well followed up with ALL of them; SDs would deny it was them, DP would say "how do you know?", they'd blame each other - all after I would SEE them depart the bathroom.

I would firmly and consistently make them flush and tell them the must use TP otherwise they will smell and get infections (and they did!). I told DP the same thing; he finally realized the issue when I asked him if they don't flush at home do they flush at friends homes? Restaurants? What does it make your HOME if they don't do it there? Plus he got sick of me saying it.
He also started making them use TP - followed up with them after some gross underwear incidents and itchy issues "down there" started happening.

SD10 has not flushed a couple times at our current house, and SD12 had a FIT. SD10 denied it but I knew she hadn't flushed. SD12 refused to flush it, so did SD10. DP was PO'd! Unfortunately SD12 got the brunt of his frustration (not realizing it was the same thing he used to do to me) and I spoke with her, told her that is why I was bugging them about learning to flush because it's gross, get it now? Yep. Then let me know if she doesn't flush again, ok? Yep. So far so good.

Don't get angry. Either insist that she flush if you know it's her. If she won't, then insist your DH does it - firmly insist, no anger. Maybe have a private vs. public discussion as others have mentioned...it's not only a social issue but cleanliness as well.

Back when DH first got

Back when DH first got custody of the skids, ASS was forever not flushing or clogging up the toilet. At the time we had five kids in the house and they all shared one bathroom.

After one particularly nasty incident, I went into ASS's bedroom, dragged him out by the arm, stuck the plunger in his hands and told him he could not come out of that bathroom until the toilet was unclogged and the floor was mopped.

He was in there for three hours.

We never had that problem with him again.

Like you, I often find myself saying "well they don't do this at school, so why do they do it here?"

It drives me crazy when my husband tries to make excuses for them. However, I have found that when I use the "well they don't do it" question, he tends to have an easier time seeing the truth.

First time: Talk privately

First time: Talk privately about appropriate behavior (sounds like you are long past this stage)

Next: Talk with entire family

Next: Public humiliation - keep escalating until it works if not:

Next: Dispose of poop on her bed

Next: Dispose of poop on her pillow

Next: Dispose of poop on her pillow while she is sleeping

Next: Kick her sorry ass out of your home permanently. Nobody should have to live with shit. Because if it were me the next step would be to cram that shit down her throat and one must stop before that.

Do take pictures as evidence. Save them to humiliate and embarrass her the rest of her life as she will likely remain a total ahole forever.

I just do not get wtf is

I just do not get wtf is wrong with people. Why would you not want your kid to have basic skills like flushing the freaking toilet. My son turned 9 yesterday and he knows to flush and wash his hands...why because we taught him good basic bathroom skills. Now these days he is totally anti shower. I have to argue with the head strong monster that I am the boss and he needs to shower at least every other day if he isn't sweaty and filthy than every day. We tell him no one wants to be the stinky kid. It sucks, it would be easier to just let him do what he wants...but that is wrong. As a parent our job is to teach them...some days it is a sucky job and some days it is the best one in the world.

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Disengagement tip needed for specific situation

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