Absolutley.  It does not take major brain power to know that "good" kids go to school, make reasonable grades, grumble about doing chores but eventually do them, have moments of teenage freakout but do not destroy property or hit animals/people, and will deal with simply being told to go to bed at a reasonable hour or put their dishes in the sink without threatening to go live with the other parent.  But admitting that means admitting failure and actually having to do something to correct that failure.

If you are holding your breath until your husband admits to you that his "spawn are brats"... you will likely turn blue in the face then die.  And... the more you try to "show them" that their children are heathens.. the more they will defend them against your "attacks".  In most cases, even if a parent knows their child isn't perfect, they will be offended when someone tells them they are not perfect.

Instead of the general "trying to make them see their kids are awful" tactic.. the more likely to succeed route is to work with your spouse on trying to work on specific behaviors.  You can't learn Russian in one day.. and his kids aren't going to magically become perfectlybehaved angels.  because there IS some weight to the fact that different homes/different rules is more confusing and may take more time for the kids to be consistent.  And.. yes.. if the father is the NCP and has relatively less time with the kids.. he may not want to spend his two weekends a month fighting with the kid for fear that the child will have a negative view of him and his home.... and yes.. with a High Conflict EX.. he may be afraid that he will get blowback from HER if he is too hard on the kids.. and finally... many men have a natural inclination to feel that child raising is women's work.  When they were with their ex.. the ex likely was the front line with the kids.. so he may not know how to step in like he should.  

What would I do?  I would decide what my non-negotiables were when it came to the kids.. and I mean reasonable.. what are a few things that could change that would make things more tolerable.  Is it sticking to a bedtime?  Is it them picking up their toys from the living room?  not eating in their bedrooms?  Pick a top 2 or three adjustments and see if your husband will consistently work with his kids on those.. after those are mastered.. then perhaps you can add on some more.. but over time, you may see improvement.

I think some of these fathers simply don't want to parent their kids.  It isn't because of divorce; they are just lazy when it comes to parenting.  If they had stayed married, I think the BM would likely be doing the lion's share of the parenting and the dad would still have excuses for not stepping up.  

My husband knows. The thing is the longer he goes without seeing or hearing from SD the mor idealized his view of her. All his good memories are of when she was little but when he actually talks to her he is reminded she is a tween brat! 

Yes and my DH has said it out loud (numerous times).

Now I wish he would address her bratty behavior when it happened instead of as a daddy/daughter heart-to-heart when he's taking her to meet BM.

And he deals with it appropriately, it surprises me though how mutual friends are willing to pass it off. Ss10 has a great habit of enticing bd4 to be naughty, go against rules or dangerous stuff. I address them both to not do that n he looks me deadpan in eye totally ignores me and tells her again. Dh heard this recently and tore around the corner saying do as she says if you ever treat (me) like that again you'll be sent to your room and holiday cancelled.

Now I was telling a friend about these instances n he says oh that's just kids for you. Er no, I have my friends 3 kids here often, all under 7, if ever I say jump to any of them they say how high. Don't make me out to be biased against him 

DH is 50% on/off about this, esp. with OSD.  It's unpredicatble.  Nothing I say can help.

YSD is not a mean bratty kid.  She's smart and knows how to get away with things with DH - who feeds right into it. I again, ignore. He does say she's wierd at times (yes, she is).

Yes they know.  Any parent with a toxic spawn knows.  You can see it in their faces and body language when they are out in public with their toxic spawn. It is a cross between fatalism that the  spawn will be who they are and defiance for someone to say something about it.

Interestingly many of the parents of these types of kids are extremely sensitive to "the look" or "the scowl" that their kids get when they pull their crap in public.  Which is clear recognition that they have regarding their kids crappy behavior.  Strangely, they would rather get all offended about the reaction of others to their toxic spawn than addressing the crappy behavior in the first place.

My DH knew, but if he addressed it then he would be the "bad guy", and my DH can't stand being the "bad guy". That's why he would push it all on me to make decisions, to set the rules, to discipline. Then he could swoop in after all was said and done and undo everything I had done so he was the "good guy"

It was amazing to me after I fully disengaged from Spawn she lasted 4 more months at our house and then DH never fought hard to have her come back. His excuse at that point was she was 17 and a senior in high school and he was tired of fighting...um no you just didn't have your handy dandy scapegoat Advice anymore.

Of course they know, they don't want to deal with it. Whether it's fear or guilt, they are parenting out of selfishness. 

Hell yes they know. None of this would fly if DH was still married to BM. He just parents out of guilt and anything goes. Want to fail your classes? No problem. Want to get a huge scratch on his new truck? It's beautiful. Want to demand money? Here you go. 
 

there are no rules and even less consequences for anything. 

DH has actually said outloud "it scares me that there are 2 of her in this world" (referring to SD10 and her clone of a BM)

DH knows how incredibly manipulative, emotional, and confrontational BM is... SD10 is exactly like her. I feel like DH wants to believe DEEP down SD is somehow none of the things her mother is. 

He sometimes turns a blind eye and blames _______ (you name it). "It's been hard on her lately, she's going through a lot, give her some time, she's only 10", etc. I feel like DH has to say it outloud to even justify it in his own head. 

We have a neighbor and their daughter is 4, just turned 5. DH said outloud "wow, _____ was never like that!" She was all smiles, told it was bedtime JUST ONCE and listened, etc. SD now gets a lot of "she will be going through puberty soon." Sadly, she has always had a chip on her shoulder though. It's not an age thing. 

Yes and it embaresses him.

yes they know!  they are just lazy and dont want to do anything about it.  They assume that if a women is in the household , that it is there 'natural instinct' to be maternal for children ,,, any children . Pffttt!

Let me add this for thought as a BM.

My 3 teen daughters look and act exactly like me. We are all almost identical...same build..same height....

My exH hates me and his wife (my former best friend) hates me even more......so because of all that I think if my kids even so much as sneeze the way I do....it sends exH'a wife into a rage inside.....they have obviously labeled me as crazy and what not....as we all do here to our BMs. Haha only difference for me is that we don't speak nor interfere in anyway ever in each other's lives.....so it's really unwarranted on me. It's 100 percent parrarelel parenting....but the kids look and act like me...which for them is strike 1,2 and 3.

I guess my point is that YES, these dads think over the top that their kids are totally perfect to a fault....and we step moms think over the top that skids are horrible...to a fault.

there seems to be no happy medium.

I think it depends on how they are raised. I am a lot like my father in a lot of ways but I was raised by my grandfather (on my father's side) because my parents weren't equipped to take care of me. What I am trying to say is that can have a lot of the same traits are their parents but if they have lazy parents then they aren't going to know what structure and boundaries are.

Of course they know, unless they are idiots. I think they prefer to keep their heads in the sand for various reasons (laziness, guilty parenting, ...). What these parents fail to understand, or so I believe, is that they are doing a disservice to their children. They call themselves parents but in fact, they are often simply providers and "friends" of their childrens. They are not active parents. 

Yes they know, but if they admit it, they need to act upon it, therefore they tend not to admit it.  They generally want to be seen as fun dad.  Also they know BM is badmouthing them to kids and want to portray a better image of themselves than the one she portrays of them.

It's only when we reach our limit and disengage and refuse to deal with the ferals that they start admitting it.

If they do know they will never admit it because it is a reflection of their parenting and genes. Bratty kids don't get along with other kids, don't do well in school, act entitled, are annoying, mouthly, bossy, rude and lazy. If they don't see it they have blinders on.

I don't think my husband approves of bratty behaviors. In my case, I think my husband just literally thinks she's an angel who can do no wrong. He thinks of her as a little baby, incapable of the typical things tweens do. He actually said to me that he's shocked she has a boyfriend. She's almost 13. I reminded him that when I took her to a water park when she was 8 years old, she was commenting on the boys and their "sexy bodies". He thinks she has no sexuality. 

My husband will occasionally, begrudgingly admit his daughter's a brat. But he's a Disney dad and doesn't want to spend his time with her enforcing rules and dolling out punishments. 
I truly believe she'd be the same way if her parents were still together. Her mother  has a spoiled, entitled attitude and she's just following in her footsteps. BM has made the comment numerous times that SD should "want for nothing." I'm sure this was true even before the split.

DP can't see it let alone admit it that his kid is a rude spoiled brat who is a mini version of her NPD BM. Even if he notices an unacceptable behaviour he'll look for a way that it's not her fault. She will always be little miss perfection in his eyes

On our anniversary we left my two SSs at home with my parents, my partners family lives in a different state, so my family plays a huge role in their lives. We were gone for maybe a total of 4 hours...we got dinner and walked around....nothing wild, and the boys knew we would be home soon. Well....my oldest SS who is 11, but acts like a 5 year old and has a seriously unhealthy attachment to his dad started asking my mom when his dad would be home every 5 minutes (not when hos dad and I would be home....because well...I am invisible lol). When we got home, my oldest SS was wedged so far up my partners butt I thought I'd have to file a missong persons report. The best part is that that night when we are all getting ready for bed, my oldest SS starts pulling the "i can't sleep," "daddy can you come be with me" and starts crying outside of our bedroom door. Now, I am no monster...if i felt this was all real then I would not have any problem, but this kid is a manipulative mastermind and has my partner wrapped around his finger. So on our anniversary I slept alone...in my bed and my oldest SS had the company of his father. Later than week at the dinner table, my oldest SS was talking about how he can make himself cry...and i was like "no shit man" (in my head) but outloud i said, "i know..." and looked and my partner, who is still oblivious.