SS leaving & we choose GF & SGD

I believe my SS is choosing to go AWOL from us & his little family (GF & D3). Is it wrong to choose to maintain contact with GF & GD? We have only had contact with them (SS's choice) since 10/2018.

When SS chose to leave our home 4/2014, we told him that he could come home at any time he was ready. They have lived less than 5 miles from us since he left. Contact resumed when we saw them at Costco & I let BS choose whether or not to make contact with his brother. BS chose contact & we have seen SS & GF almost weekly since then.

As a teen and as an adult SS made choices that will lead to him never having any visitation beyond supervised with any children he will have. We are very aware & supportive of that fact.

We have known of GD's existence since before she was born and have mourned not knowing her. I have been internally jealous of SS's BM's, DH's parents, and GF's families, just knowing in my heart that they were getting all this time & love just knowing GD... turns out that there has been limited contact with all the other grandparents her whole life & now we are the ones she sees the most, asks for, and cries to come see. I don't want to lose her! She's already losing her dad.

Honestly, GD is HARD. She's stubborn, willful, sneaky, defiant, & sometimes just mean. I have tried to help quietly teach her young parents (they were 21 when she was born) how to parent without being pushy, just trying to lead by example mostly. I have experience & an education in childhood development also. GF had a rough life with her own BM passing away when GF was 7 yrs old & still has a rough relationship with her SM.

I guess basically, with SS leaving his family & GF having minimal contact with all family but us... is it wrong to choose to keep GF & GD in our lives? We are well aware that SS won't be willing or able to help us maintain contact and that little girl needs her people... we are her people. Her mom knows that also and wants us to keep our relationship going.

Nette5's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Have you talked to SS about

Have you talked to SS about it? What does he say? Providing you have his blessings, I do not see the problem with you continuing to be involved in SGD's life, especially since BM is supportive. A lot of grandparents still stay involved after divorce. I appreciate it is more difficult due to SS's preexisting issues where he can't facilitate, but I would think he would be mature enough to support your involvement with SGD, no?

There is nothing wrong with

There is nothing wrong with maintaining a relationship with a grandchild. While she is a minor you have to go through her mother since SS is AWOL.

I think it is wonderful that you want to keep the relationship personally.

There is a difference in

There is a difference in maintaining contact with GKs/GSKs through the other parent when your own BK/SK is still actively (or trying to actively be) in the picture and maintaining contact when that BK/SK chooses to abandon their family.

Unless GF was abusing SS and he left for his own safety (which is not how it sounds; it sounds like he has a drug or criminal activity-related problem), I see no issue in maintaining contact through GF.

Maintaining a relationship

Maintaining a relationship with the little one is the right thing to do. The tricky part is how to deal with the ex GF.

Embracing mom into the family will create problems for SS future SO/wife. It will be difficult,hurtful, uncomfortable...to set boundaries with BM once your SS gets serious about about woman. The same issue will pop up once mom has a new man in her life. Both of the new SOs may feel awkward if BM is enmeshed with you all.

I say keep mom at arms length from the start because she is not family.

You can only do what you

You can only do what you think is right. Your ss is making his choices, and this time he is making them as an adult. You can make your own choice to maintain your relationship with your GD and her mother. Be wary of falling into traps of enabling and being manipulated to do and provide more than you want to. Other than that, I would keep the relationship with the child for now. There may come a day in the future where a hard decsion may have to be made, but for now it seems that maintaining contact is what will work best for everyone.

Where did ss go and why.

Prison?

never mind I saw an explanation now

The reason that

The reason that you keep distance from the ex is to avoid problems in appearing to "side" with the ex against the member of your family. You don't want to add to the drama. But if the member of the family abandons his wife and child, that reason evaporates.

If your SS is actually going AWOL and she has no family, she is going to need help with the child. I can't imagine not helping and being a part of the child's life. You may actually become very close to the ex and the child over time. If the SS hears about it on the grapevine, tell him to step up and help them so others don't have to do his job for him!

SS just won't respond to

SS just won't respond to anyone when he doesn't like what he hears. I've heard that the people he's staying with & working for will call the cops if there's any arguing at their place so it's not worth the risk to go there.

SS hasn't even tried to see his D in a month. He will text BM and ask how D is. BM says: she misses you, come home & see her. Then he goes and tells people that BM kicked him out and won't let him see D.

SS is also a huge liar... to the point that he believes what he's saying so hard that when physically confronted with the truth he shuts down right in front of you. We've known this since before we ended up with custody of him at age 14 and watched him do it while living with us.

Apparently SS has been doing this "leaving" thing every spring for 4 of the 5 years they were together. Last year he did the same thing & we tried to contact him but he just ignored until he went home, they yelled it out, & he was fine. Then he came around like nothing happened. This year he actually took his 'dating' clothes out of the house so GF is looking into getting a custody order set up. She's finally got a decent job & knows she can do this.

I told GF that her next BF will have to like us. I don't see SS coming around any time soon, because he knows we know the truth.

I read your bio. WOW there is

I read your bio. WOW there is a lot of drama going on.

Sorry about all of this.

Honestly I dont know how or why you put up with it. Life can be easy and drama free when you expect it.

Hang in there