That's super shady. I would not be okay with any of that. 

When BM was texting with DH all the time, she used to send him some flirty texts asking him if he remembered things from their relationship...he would always ignore them. 

I would also be upset about all of this and would definately talk to my husband about it. I wouldn't let it ruin my relationship though. 

That is not good. I would be worried. I would uproot the family and move if you wanted to save the family. If you continue to stay and be friends with her and her boyfriend, you're playing with fire. I would also consider divorcing because this is a break of trust.

This is why i don't believe in the "one big happy family" model. You guys have no boundaries with his ex and her boyfriend. How did you find out about the texts? Did your husband tell you, or was it her, since you guys are so close? Some people can be friends with their exes and their spouse's exes, but i don't like it. Too many blurred lines and too much closeness. 

Isn't this emotional cheating? It's just as damaging as physically cheating. It sounds like boundaries are getting blurred because the four of you are so enmeshed.

Serious boundaries need to be established.  This is emotional cheating and isn't healthy.

Id end the casual hang outs with the adults.  No more BM and DH texts - move to a neutral our family wizard or such.  
 

Id also consider couples therapy.  This would be the minimum I'd set down for me to stay.  She is not your friend and has clearly shown that.

This is totally over the line. That is great that they get along. However, your DH and BM are NOT respecting your marriage. AT ALL. What would have happened if you didn't see or ask about the texts? Would they have continued it? Do you think he would have came clean himself?

When BMs and DHs talk, it needs to be about the kids, and the kids ONLY. It is not time to remininsce and think about the past. It's not appropraite to address personal problems with the ex. 

As far as boundaries go, I do not think they need to be in the same room without the kids. When they communicate it needs to be in writing (again about the kids only). If y'all get along, then I would say it needs to be a group text. It may seem over the top to some, but because of BOTH of their actions, I feel like this is really the only answer if you want to stay. 

Completely inappropriate. If you stay, you need appropriate boundaries between the two couples. Your husband not only went down memory lane, he then went sexual with the conversation....... with BM. That's a triple whammy, in my scorebook. Four whammies if you count deleting the texts and trying to hide it then getting caught with the flirty text. I mean, the more I write, the more whammies I could come up with. This is a tough one. I don't think I could get past it. I think I could get a past a one night stand with a stranger while away drunk at a conference. But this one - this one is really personal. Lots to think about and you should take your time thinking about it all. Let them sweat it out. You're in no rush. You do what's best for you. 

I wouldnt necessarily end my long marriage over it, but I certainly would be ending a friendship.  If you cant trust her than what type of friendship do you have?  Yes your husband was very wrong as well, but I would be willing to try to work on that issue with marriage counseling as you take vows with your husband, there are no such promises or committment to a "friend".  How long until she starts up again?  Maybe after too many glasses of wine, or to console your husband after a fight, etc?
The kids may be friends but its also a good learning opportunity for them that people that come into your life may not be there to stay always and that you need to find and cherish friendships with people that you know would have your back, not betray you.

Good luck and let us know what you decide to do.

Do you know for fact this is the only time this has happened? I bet it wasn't and he just caught this time. Either way BM isn't your "friend" what did her SO say? Time for some serious boundaries if you want to continue.  It's a really awful feeling and I'm sorry. 

BM here tried getting me to hang out with her in the beginning as friends. Ya know, grab a beer stuff. Never feed into that bait. 

He asked his ex if she remembers sex they had? She said it's inappropriate and they decided to delete it.

So you can't say your DH is loyal and BM comes on to him. I think he comes on to her and she is the one putting stop to it.

If my DH asked his ex about sexual memories I'd feel betrayed. Your DH isn't very loyal to you. He is very inappropriate. I suspect he still has hots for her or he'd  not ask about sex. Sexting with exes is not right by you, his new spouse. 

I guess my question for you, OP, is how would you react if the person your DH did this with wasn't the mother of his child? Would you react differently if it were just another friend?

I think it's time for some boundaries since your DH and BM are getting inappropriately reminiscent. No more "family". You all can co-parent without being friends. Your DH also needs to be made aware that you will be checking his phone periodically and will be looking at the cell phone account regularly to see how much he is texting. Any discrepancies and he'll need to find somewhere else to live.

Also, look into couple's therapy. While your DH may want to treat this like "nothing happened", he hurt your trust. This isn't about what makes him feel better; it's about rebuilding trust with you. If he refuses, then you need to consider dissolving your marriage.

This: “The choosing to delete it as well as then still coming over after the fact. And of course, her texts to him while she was standing right next to me.”  They were flirting with each other.  Going for forbidden fruit.

This I what happens when you have too much huggy, kissy, touchy, feely with multiple blended families.  Does it create closeness?  Maybe?  But what kind of closeness?  Does it make it more difficult to place (and enforce) boundaries?  You bet it does.

Here is my take on this.  When you marry someone, whether they have kids or not, I know of no one who signs up to have an ex-, of any kind, hanging around them and their DH, fluttering about, acting like it is her God-given right to influence your DH and marriage.  And, children in themselves are NOT a legitimate enough excuse to even remotely allow a third party to influence your relationship or marriage.  A marriage is for two and not three+.

Given that, it is truly just a bad idea, despite the fact that this is being heavily promoted these days, for multiple families, blended families to all hang out together like nothing is wrong.  Something is wrong.  A marriage is for two and not three+, and as you can see, there is going to be, without question, far too much confusion among family members, including any children, over who is the “real” couple.  Once they divorce, mom and dad are no longer a couple.  Parents for life, Yes.  But they are no longer a couple.

Time to kick the foursome to the curb and make it a twosome.  Mom and dad ruined it, and it really should have never been a foursome to begin with.  Mom and dad want to both play and flirt, like the good ol’ days, AND while they are around their current partners!?  Enough of that. 

I truly hate it when the bios think they can have their cake and eat it too; meanwhile, their new partners are expected to just suck it up and take it for THEM.  For the superior-bios who evidentially have that status just because at one time they all lived together in the same household.  It certainly has nothing to do with moral status or any other kind of status.  All I can say is, what an insult to your now partner or spouse!!  (And, just because they admitted to it, it doesn’t make it OK.)

I don't think the issue is going down the memory lane. Like at high school graduation "she is so grown up, remember when she started Kindergarden?". In front of others, publicly, not in secret 

texting with ex in private and in secret "remember how we did XYZ in bed?"  and then delete it isn't really the same as memory lane or reminiscing. It's sexual. And honestly would be a deal breaker for a lot of people. And if he does it wuth ex who knows who else he is sexting with, I'd consider it being unfaithful and I'd have hard time sleeping woth DH ever again. He clearly still thinks of sex wuth his ex. No thanks 

When DH and I first started dating, BM was crushed and honestly kept harassing him. Show up at his place unannounced, proclaimed her love for him, basically begged for him back. Would dangle the child in front of him. No respect AT ALL for our relationship and thought she was Queen Bee and could tell DH these things because she was "the mother of his children."

I was ready to walk. On his own, DH filed for a restraining order. He did not want to be around her, have those conversations with her, have her show up in person, etc. The CO was for a year. Honestly, if he hadn't shown me he was taking those steps to protect our relationship, I would have walked. 

Your DH needs to make SIGNIFICANT changes to show you he means it. It needs to be HIM taking initiative and not you telling him what to do. Just speaking from my own experience. 

The part that bothers me most is that he asked her if she remembered a sexual memory. She told him it was inappropriate and that's when they decided to delete the texts.

I'm having a hard time believing that she told him his comment was inappropriate, yet she turned around and was flirting with him, texting him how cute he looked, with you right there. If that was innocent, why not just say, "Hey, that hat looks good on you."

She is not your friend.

I also don't think it's just a "normal, one of those things", to start fondly reminiscing about ones sex life with someone, all of these years later, when everybody has moved on.

I'm not saying to end your marriage but perhaps some counseling is in order. Which, by the way, your husband should be suggesting, instead of leaving it all on your shoulders (regarding how to deal with this).

You can never be just friends again.   This kinda proves that point.  That why you can not be friends with a ex 

Also - have you thought about this.... Supposedly they were talking about something from 13 years ago. Idk about you, but that was a LONG time ago. I would have trouble remembering ANY details of the sort. Have you considered they both might be talking about something that was RECENT when you were in the picture?

I'm a survivor of emotional cheating. It wasn't with the BM, but it was with someone who I thought was a friend of mine, and it had been going on for years.

I insisted that if DH wanted even a chance to stay in our marriage that he immediately start therapy. I also did, and he knew it was just as likely that I'd leave as stay. I established boundaries (zero communication, open access to his phone/email/social media, some other things).

DH and I are still together, and happily so. While not everyone would make the decision to stay, I'm glad I did. Some things between us are better than they were, and there are still times I'm sad.

One thing that stuck with me is that anyone who is not a friend of the marriage cannot be a friend of the individual IN the marriage. So, the BM is not your friend. She and your DH betrayed you and they both dismissed the marriage. While you might want to save the marriage, I would not feel at all obligated to save the friendship. If it were me, no more socializing with BM and her BF.

So you think about what you need. Marriage counseling? Individual? Your DH has to be willing to do the hard work of rebuilding trust, and only you can determine what that looks like. Maybe you don't even know right now, and that's ok. It will come.

If it looks like shit, feels like shit and smells like shit, it must be shit.

Just don't taste it.

This needs to have your foot and BM's BF's foot applied firmly up DH's and the BF's asses.

Your DH needs to demonstrate full and complete commitment and fidelity (both emotional and physical) to you or lose you and get nailed with a shit ton of CS for as long as you can make it happen if this "shit" ever happens again.

If my SS's Spermidiot initiated this kind of interface with my DW she would laugh in his face.  Just like she did the several times he tried this crap over the first decade and half of our 25+ year marriage.  The tearful "I miss my family, do you still love me, whaaaaaaaaaa!" calls and planting bullshit in the Skid's head during visitation "Does your mom still love me?" manipulative head game crap he would play with SS when he was in his single digit days and into his early teens.

We kept SS fully tuned with the facts and as SS gained clarity on how much of a POS his Spermidiot is SS would call Bullshit immediately when the dipshitiot would pull his crap.  "My mom and dad have been married for a long time and my mom loves my dad very much.  Don't play these games (firstname). I won't tolerate it."

It is sad when the kid has to parent someone who is supposed to be the adult and the parent.  

SS-27 still has to tune his idiot biodad on his bullshit upon occasions.  The last time was when my son loaded his three younger half sibs into his rental car and left his stoned out of his mind Spermidiot  in the woods after he tried to expound to his 4 all out of wedlock children by three different baby mamas how he wanted them to be good people, "respect and love the trees", and some other baked brain bullshit.  Over the years my son has flown to SpermLand to put his idiot biodad against a wall by his throat when one of the youngest two half sibs was arrested for a gun violation when immolating the Spermidiot's gangbanger fantasies with the firm message that if biodad did not nip the gangbanger fantasies in the bud with the youngest two the next visit the Spermidiot got from my SS would include an ass whuppin of monumental proportions.  The Spermidiot withdrew even more from the half sibs lives as my SS nailed the message home to the dipshitiot's brain that he could have either pleasant and responsible interface with all 4 of the kids or he could suffer consequences for his idiot crap.

Even SpermGrandHag gained long overdue clarity on how big of a POS her son is.  

Unfortunately it took a quarter of a century of my SS's life for that to happen.

End this crap now before your own kids and their BM spawned half sibs get dragged down the crapper with the shallow and polluted emotionally adulterous end of their gene pools.

smh

But I really doubt this was the first time. The fact that they deleted other texts means the other stuff was way worse. The fact she was brazen enough to flirt text him  with both you and her husband there speaks volumes. You said you have a feeling to check the phone, to me that is very telling. You say you never picked up on a vube before but what was it that feeling that made you look at the phone. Perhaps you were picking up on something after all. Either way, your relationship will never be the same after this. Boundaries are needed and that means you stop hanging out with BM and her hubby. I feel for you because you will always have to deal with her because of the kid they share. It is a horrible position to be in because you will never forget and she will be constant reminder. So will their kid. No more being friends with her like how you are. 

And I wonder what would have happened if you had not found the text would either have told you? Unfortunately I think I know the answer. 

I don't mean to worry you but if you only saw that text about his looking cute in the hat, how do you really know what  the other deleted text messages really said.  You are only going on what they told you because they are busted.  You also don't know if this is a single incident or if it has been going on or happened before.  If it were me and you have access to your cell phone logs and you are on a family plan you should be able to see his cell phone usage log going back at least a year.  I would take a look and see if the records match up to their story.  My cousin had a cheating wife and that was how he put it all together.  While spying is not my choice of confronting situations like this being blindsided by people you love isn't either.  

Yes ex's can speak be friendly get along etc. but hanging out and being best buddies is not ideal.  What's that old saying about keeping your friends close and enemies closer???  I would not be hanging out and close friends with anyone that was that "familiar" with my husband.  Never a good idea.

Other's have mentioned you making the schedules and visits I think that is fine and not even making the radar in what the real problem here is.  Boundaries, boundaries that have been crossed and you can not and should not go back!! This is not just a what if conversation.  While I am not meaning that your husband did anything more than the text this woman, this is inappropriate behavior whether he told you or not. 

Distance from these people is key!!! They broke an unspoken trust by engaging in that behavior and while she may say she ended the inappropriate conversation, didn't she start it back up by saying he looked cute in the hat?  She had time to think about it and her response was to carry it on.  Think about this, this woman is not your friend not by a long shot!!!  You need to distance yourself, find out if this really was an isolated incident or accept their story and move on away from her and find a new friend and keep this woman to visitation schedule only!!  How old is their child? I may have missed that.  Probably old enough if it was high school when they dated to be on his or her own with connections between their parents without them needing to talk much.  I hope I am not harsh, you seem kind and trusting and undeserving of this mistrust!!

OP, would love to hear an update. Thinking about you!

I didn't have time to read the other responses, so sorry if this is a repeat.

It seems like the seeds of re-attraction have been planted.  This is the prelude to an affair.  

Other than moving away, I don't know what you can do to stop it.

yes unfortuneately this wouldnt sit well with me either.  emotional cheating i feel is worse than a sexual hookup.   It takes a lot of flirting and connection over a long period of time for this to happen, rather than a casual sexual encounter.    Only you know your husband and whether he is an honest man or not , so we can only go by what youve said.  I would certainly keep this other lady at a distance and be very cautious of her motives and actions.   I would also really open up and go into depth about every thought and feeling that is going through you to your husband , be completely honest , there is no shame in this,,, his actions / reactions will either make you feel confident in him or it will make you want to investigate things even further regarding his friendship with the other lady.  TRUST YOUR GUT and dont brush things under the carpet.  For years I went against my own gut feelings telling myself "why would this man ever need to hurt / lie to me,,, im a great partner , I dont nag , I do everything for him, im pretty " etc etc etc .......... but he still did.  My gut was always right and yours will be to.

I'm sorry but a true "friend" would not be flirting with your husband. I would feel terribly hurt and betrayed. Your husband is the one who brought up a sexual memory with her. He wasn't just thinking it to himself but he wanted her to remember it as well. To me, that is completely crossing a line. I really don't know if I could get past that. I don't know if I would trust anything either one of them said to me. After all, they both collaborated on hiding the evidence from you by deleting their texts. I'm sorry you're going through this. You're not overreacting at all. 

IMHO trust is the issue here. The foundation of all relationships.

The best of luck with your situation. I have complete empathy for you.

Warm regards Jake